Trans Parenting Questions

[SarahT]

So, having kept my heart and mind shut for so long (trying to block everything out and avoiding going "there"), all of a sudden since coming to terms with the fact that I'm trans, I have a million billion things to talk about. Well, for me that's a problem - too many thoughts means no cohesion, means talking about it can be tough, because where to start!

Anyway.

Probably the biggest thing on my mind is parenting. Some background about my personal situation; I have a 3 1/2 year-old son. My ex- filed for divorce a bit over 2 1/2 years ago. We separated for other reasons - just clashing personalities - but she filed after "discovering" I was serious about dressing in women's clothes. She took photos of everything and took them to court as reasons I should be kept away from my son. The judge agreed in part, ordered supervised visitations. I met with a psychologist to clear my name, told him I had no thoughts of actually being a woman, it wasn't something I would ever do in front of my son, etc. 7 months of seeing my son 3 hours a week later, the judge removed the order.

Flash-forward two years, my ex- and I are *finally* getting to the point where she'll talk to me in person. She still hasn't given me her new address or phone number since she moved. She still has full legal custody. We're still not divorced. My son and I have a great relationship; he's my everything, and always on my mind.

Well, so this will need to go in a separate post - but it turns out my assumptions about myself were wrong. It's not about me dressing in women's clothes; that was the tip of the iceberg. It's about embracing who I am inside. Lowering all my walls. Not repressing my heart. Well, Shoot. Why didn't I figure this out earlier? :doh:

My biggest fear isn't how my son is going to respond. He's an incredible kid with an amazing spirit, and I'm confident that, as long as he knows I will always be there for him, he will be okay. My fear is how my ex- and her parents are going to respond. Their reactions to life's experiences are based on fear; if they can't relate, it's wrong, and simply doesn't fit in.

So the way I see it, I have two choices (if it's even really a choice):

I can live authentically; I can teach my son that the most important thing in this life is to find your own heart and live out God's work through being true to who He made you to be. In the process, I risk my ex- unintentionally hurting him by making him see his experiences with me and my transition as "bad things", which could really mess him up.
I can wait until my son is older and more able to handle these things himself (if that's even possible). I don't get to be the true me for another decade or so, and when I do transition, I give him something else to think about and to re-evaluate all his experiences with me up to that point. But, he will have had a better life up to that point.


My heart says option #2 is basically a non-option. Now that I've lowered all these walls ... the idea of putting them back up and not being true to myself - just thinking about it feels like drowning.

But when you have a child and responsibilities, you have to be strong for them, because they can't protect themselves. So by saying that this is a "must-do", am I not being as strong as he needs me to be?

You read articles about folks who transitioned after hiding and toughing it up for decades to "keep the family together". Is it a badge of honor to suffer for decades and then come out as yourself later on? Or is it true what they say - "I wish I had done this years ago"?

I've come out to a few of my friends as trans; they all just say how brave and strong I must be; but I just feel like I'm being selfish, taking the easy way out, and being weak for not being able to put up with with my pain longer.

[Aprilrain]

Hey there, I have young children if you'd like to talk send me a Private message or better yet hit me up on yahoo messenger, all you have to do is click the little red "Y" under my avatar.

[bas1985]

I've come out to a few of my friends as trans; they all just say how brave and strong I must be; but I just feel like I'm being selfish, taking the easy way out, and being weak for not being able to put up with with my pain longer.

Hello, I am in your (more or less) same situation. I have two children, female (9) and male (5) and they adore me. I separated from my wife since December 2010 but for other reasons and not for my Cd, even if she knew about it. But she with her mother sued me for other things, they accused me of malpractice towards the children, of domestic violence. They were all false accusations, nevertheless I ended up seeing my children at first only on Saturday afternoon alone, then, after a psychological evaluation which saw the good relationship between me and the children, two or three times a week, but with a informal guidance. My Cross dressing was not put into attention, they said only that I was not the "typical father" and that I had to learn to put "rules" and guidance on the kids, because I was too sloppy in "punishing" them (not physical punishment, but enforcing the rules).

Also now, fast forward to 2013. There has been a second psychological evaluation. In Italy there are 3 psychologists which work together, one nominated by the court which should be neutral, and the other two nominated by the parts.

The result of this second evaluation is that I am not "dangerous" and they should revoke the guarded visitations in Spring 2014, (yes, after 3 years!, the Italian court system is very slow).

But also the second psychologist says that I have to learn to be a "father", that I love very much my children (and they love me back) but that I tend to make them live in a fantasy world, I have to teach them rules and good manners as they are a bit "wild".

Well, the fact that since 2011 they live only with the mother and my in laws has not been taken into consideration...

It has been said that I have a feminine side very apparent, but I went to all the meetings always in drab exclusively, not even a female detail. That was the last straw (in June) which broke the camel, and, as you say, has lowered all the walls.

Fortunately my desire for transition is for now only something between me and my therapist and the court psychologist nominated by me. She suggested me to go "low profile" for this first year, but I suppose that she misunderstands TS with homosexuality, because she said to me that it is OK for me to act in this way unless I want to live with another man and try to bring the children home.

She said that if I am alone all is good.

In any case I am in your situation too. I am a bit luckier because my daughter is already nine. I could wait till she is in her teens, and after that I can have a good talk with her, she will understand. That could be an option, for example starting HRT now, in 2014, and continue to live half male half female, male when I see the children, female otherwise.

That could be possible until I don't pass as male any more, but I suppose that I can live this double life for a few years... the problem is my in laws. They would certainly make a war for this and I have to play my cards well, otherwise that freedom that I may have in 2014 to see my children will be revoked in an instant.

It's not really a choice.

As you perfectly says, when the walls are lower and you finally see the truth of your being, acting "selfishly" is the only option because for too many years (for me 20) I have acted not thinking of myself, of my real need of expression.

But also in this way I think that we have to be extremely careful; also here in Italy I have heard of "successful" transitions, even with children, but it is a long path and must not be taken with hurry, especially if the other part threatens to revoke visitations or custody.

Best wishes.

[SarahT]

Thanks you two. bas1985, my heart goes out to you - I don't know how things operate in Italy, but that can't be an easy situation for you to go through. I've been fortunate that my ex and her family are mostly amiable with me around my son. I sincerely don't believe she's acted in revenge, or simply for the sake of hurting me. In any case, my limited time with him initially helped found the strength of conviction I have for being in his life now. No matter what happens, no matter where he is, I will always be there.

aprilrain - not sure why, but I don't have any Yahoo messanger links, and I can't see your profile (maybe because I'm too new?), so I can't send you a pm either.

[bas1985]

Just a quick response Sarah (my Internet modem has died and I have a temporary connection): my ex wife is OK, it's my in law which acts with revenge. This is very silly: I have to divorce from my in laws... in any case, yes, trans parenting in Italy is troublesome. I will tell you something more as soon as I return online

[Aprilrain]

Yeah you probaly need at least 10 posts then we can PM and you will be able to see my info.

[Allsteamedup]

What makes trans parenting different/difficult is how you see your role.

Your children value the father role, your maleness, your difference. For many transitioning being a parent matters more to them than the child/children they are abandoning. If you want to be accepted as female and they already have a mother, who are you? If they are older the shared history you have may carry you through but you will have to decide how the relationship can progress beyond you being an observer of their growing up. There are a few resources being published but they are few.

[bas1985]

It can be the opposite. In my case my children value the mother role carried by a male (or they suppose a male). In my case my wife is cold and not too much affectionate to her children: it is not her fault, rather the consequence of her raising from a cold and unemphatic mother, my in law. So in my case transitioning should not be see as to enter in competition with the biological mother, but rather to bring into foreground the fact that in those years the mother's role has been carried by me.

But... who is the father, then? Sometimes I feel like me and my wife have been two lesbian having two kids. Who will do the father's role? This is a very difficult question and for me it is very difficult to sort this out, as my kids are young (9 and 5) and probably they will need a father during the next years.

Will I do it? Can I do it in disguise? I do not know and these are probably the answers which I will want to completely analyze with my gender therapist before HRT. Maybe I could start HRT with a low dosage until my children are a bit older and I can come out to them... I do not really know.

Regarding resources I have found this link

http://www.ftmi.org/

it is for FtMs, but has some suggestions for trans parenting also for MtFs.

[Aprilrain]

What makes trans parenting different/difficult is how you see your role.

Your children value the father role, your maleness, your difference. For many transitioning being a parent matters more to them than the child/children they are abandoning. If you want to be accepted as female and they already have a mother, who are you? If they are older the shared history you have may carry you through but you will have to decide how the relationship can progress beyond you being an observer of their growing up. There are a few resources being published but they are few.

Just curious, what is your experience with being a transsexual parent?

I have two young children and they are happy and well adjusted. I am definitely NOT just an observer but an active participant in their lives and I have not abandoned them. You sound like someone with a bone to pick.

[groove67]

ok i am post opt little over two weeks my two daughters are as close as ever. i am heading to 47 and they early twenties but we get along much like mother and daughters . even during my almost four years of hrt living as a woman they have always been there for for me. so i guess every case different but since they are girls maybe makes it easier not sure never had any boys. marianne

[Rianna Humble]

For many transitioning being a parent matters more to them than the child/children they are abandoning.

I am sorry that you have difficulties with your cross-dressing husband, but please do not project your anger with him against transsexuals in this way.
Accusing a TS person of "abandoning" their children contrary to all the evidence is not in the least helpful to this discussion even if it helps you to deal with your own anger.

There is no common ground between your experience with a cross-dresser and what a TS person has to go through.

[ReineD]

Sarah, you describe your ex wife as being capable of engaging in Parental Alienation tactics. This is awful. My ex did this with our oldest son, who did not speak to me for 3 years and our relationship is strained to this day. It's unfortunate that Courts in the US do not recognize how abusive to the child it is, when one parent tries to transfer their anger and resentment (and in your case, bias), onto the child. Oftentimes, the alienating parents are successful. Anyone who even thinks of using these tactics has a manipulative nature and young children really have no resources to combat this.

Is there any way at all that you can petition for shared custody of your child now? You've been cleared by the psychologists ... I cannot see why you shouldn't be able to? Do you have a good attorney? Also, is there a reason why you are still married to this woman?

I can't give advice about when you should transition, but if it were me, I'd try my best to get shared custody AND divorced as soon as possible. Once you obtain this, your ex will have less power to harm you in Court at least, and she will also have less chance to manipulate your son if you see him regularly without threat of having this privilege taken away.

[bas1985]

PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) shares more or less the same "fate" as Transsexualism, but in the contrary way.

PAS is not contained (still) in the DSM, so many courts do not consider it as an objective condition, but based only on "empirical" studies. In Italy PAS only rarely has been recognized. Women associations tend to see the PAS as a "weapon" used by abusive fathers to force courts to have shared custody. So their position is:

"I am not alienating the child. It is the father who has been abusive and the child does not want to see him again"

The position of the father is of course opposite:

"I had a good relationship with my son-daughter, but now they are alienated"

It is very difficult to prove that, and considering the bias towards the mothers in the courts the father ends up maybe with several years of emotional and financial struggle.

---

Sometimes women tend to make false accusation of child molestation (especially if there is a pre-pubescent daughter). In that case it is customary to revoke immediately the child from the father for fear of the sexual abuse without proof, only on the base of the mother's accusation.

This has been done several times, also on me... and this is one of the main reasons why I see my daughter with supervision. But hopefully this will change in 2014 with the new judge, after 3 years...

Luckily my ex wife has not succeeded in the PAS, my daughter (9) is still very, very fond of me and when she sees me she always is very happy and says that the 2 hours together are passing too quick.

[thechic]

I hope all the best for you, I know its hard , I made the decision several years ago to come out, after 15 years of marriage ,the wife has known for several years before I came out ,it was killing me inside, but it has worked out well. even though I lost most of my friends.
I'm still married Have 3 kids one is 3 years old one 8 and one 19 years old ,i may look different but im still there dad and will always be there dad. But sometimes it does get complicated as im involved with quite public events as my true self.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Sorry for this tough question..
why does she have custody now?? that's a precedent. I don't know your state law, but find a lawyer and understand your rights before taking one more step..

only then can there be any sensible outcome that will work...your post reads like your cd'ing (I realize its more than that) caused a judge to give custody to your wife...is that the law??

you compounded your problem because the tale you told to the psychologist is part of the record ..

A lot of times in divorce people focus on what's fair and reasonable, but unfortunately in divorce court only the law matters, and in custody what matters is what's best for the kids..
for some people (your wife??) anything goes and the other side gets hammered and outlawyered all the time..

in our case, my ex was more concerned about the money and we quickly agreed to share custody which is best for your kids..

++++

as far as general parenting for mtf parents.... the ts dad is the dad.. and the most important person in the child's life is the mom... if the mom lets the kids know by her words and actions that its going to be ok, then it will be ok...
if she doesn't do that, there is going to be a much rough go..

You can still take on the dad's role if your child will let you... they can still call you dad if they want...I think its selfish to do otherwise if they view calling you dad is important to them...

don't tie transition to their ages... that will not work any better or worse, it will just be different... your kids may accept you better or less when they are older...they may resent you more, they may resent you didn't trust them enough, or they may feel bad that you held off for them... my point is you just don't know...

if don't need to transition right now...don't...especially if you have kids.... if you must, you must....sounds easier to say than to do , but that's a reality check...if you are debating because of the kids...if there is any doubt, then the kids win..
if you are not transitioning "because of the kids" then by definition you don't need to transition and you shouldn't...

[Rogina B]

It really is about how well you are doing it now! Your role is really to guide their development toward adulthood.And there are quite a few parts to that role. If you are good in this role,they will always look up to you as their Dad,regardless.