A Paradigm Shift?

[Ann Louise]

In the course of a conversation with a friend earlier today with whom I was discussing transsexual issues, she inquired about the "courage" it must take to attempt to "pass" out here in the real world every day. Heavens, with my face before her over coffee, it must have been readily apparent to her that this TS business is a tough row to hoe, you know? But in fact, I seem to have a pretty good time of living my life as a 60-year old transwoman in public, and some men now smile and hold open doors, take my shopping cart back to the store in parking lots, I get on and off an elevator first, and one even said I was brimming with sunshine! Oh my!

But really, I had a flash of insight into my thought process that snapped into place as I responded to my friend: at some indistinct point in the past I dropped the concern with appearing "as a woman," but rather, shifted to concern over "being mistaken for a man!"

Please don't misread me, I know I'm clearly a transwoman to the discerning observer; this is all in my head, I'm sure, but none the less, a paradigm shift has taken place in my regard for myself and my place in this world. In reference to another thread up right now about "confidence," this is certainly not confidence, but rather my new-found reflexive response to the constant, low-level tension that I feel in public as I become accustomed to my 24/7 life.

I'd guess that most all of us come to this view of self sooner or later. And if anyone else recalls the shift to this insight and cares to mention it, I think others earlier on in their journeys would appreciate it. It's something that I hadn't dare hope for, but I'm so glad that it's arrived, even if unannounced.

All the best to you, and keep smiling, Ann

[Persephone]

You've said it very well, Ann. I too have experienced that paradigm shift.

Enjoy your journey!

Hugs,
Persephone.

[StephanieC]

Thanks for the great post Ann.

Yes, I cringe everytime I get a "sir".

[I Am Paula]

Ann Louise- Your post is, as usual, spot on about the concerns of the more mature TS.
I have completely given up on the notion that someday, all observers will only see a woman. They will always see a transwoman. Don't get me wrong on appearance, I will spend everyday trying to look my best, but at the end of the day, I'm disguising maleness, and only as a by-product, building femininity. I'm counting on HRT to a small degree, but at 55, there's only so much a leopard can change it's spots.
To some, mostly younger TS, the thought they may never pass 100% may be appalling. To me, it's just the hand I was dealt, and to dwell on it would just waste more of the time I already did starting transition so late.
Not being mistaken for a man. That, as a goal, is noble in itself, but IMO not the point. Being accepted as female, while most of the world knows that may be stretching the truth, is.
In general, I'm seen as a trans-something, that most people just don't want to , or need to understand. The important part, is that they see me as something that is clearly feminine, and therefore is to be treated as such. Does the cis-gendered person question whether he should open the door for the quasi-lady? No. That person is clearly feminine, and deserves the social respect of that gender. Hurray. I've failed at passing, but gained the acceptance and respect due a lady.

[MatildaJ.]

I appreciate wanting to hear ma'am and not sir, but I think the common reference to doors being held open is a little surprising. As a woman, would you never hold a door open for a guy? I hold doors open for guys all the time... and they thank me with a smile. Maybe it's because I live on the west coast though.

[I Am Paula]

The doors are just an icon. The point is about acceptance, and respect.

[Kathryn Martin]

I am not sure if it is really a paradigm shift. You use words like "appearing as a woman" and "not mistaken for a man". Why do those two express a polarity in an inner viewpoint? Why do you feel the need to appear and not be mistaken. When will you be a woman?

[Badtranny]

Yes, I cringe everytime I get a "sir".

Imagine being in the verge of a cringe every single day. Every time you meet someone new. Every time you walk into a room.

[stefan37]

Badtranny

Welcome to my world

[Ann Louise]

I am not sure if it is really a paradigm shift. You use words like "appearing as a woman" and "not mistaken for a man". Why do those two express a polarity in an inner viewpoint?...

Because, affectionately Kathryn, you seem to be a dyed-in-the-wool attorney, and to my understanding, those in your profession typically develop and hone the skill of relating to other people in this world by parsing their language, comparing it with existing standards and interpretations, then make further interpretations, and thereafter, ultimately come to attempt to persuade others to accept your intended conclusions regarding the motivation underlying their words and actions. No? If I'm incorrect please excuse me. I truly intend no disrespect, as I'm sure you intended none to me.

But please, don't parse my words here Kathryn. My halting use of language may be faulty, but my thinking is not, my long experience as a distressed transsexual person is genuine, and I'm trying to convey a remarkable, wonderful insight that I just had to our friends here on this forum.

Perhaps more clearly put than in my OP: For many years I regarded myself as a very unsuccessful male in a male-dominated world. While in the midst of my years-long period of closeted cross-dressing, and trying to convince myself that I was simply a gay male, I desperately wanted to appear as a woman. It gave me peace and comfort, if only for very short periods of time before I had to revert back to my survival role as a male.

Now that I'm living 24/7 as my true self I have had to opportunity to interact with dozens of professional (genetic) women in my place of employment. I solve engineering problems with them, chat, laugh and commiserate with them, and share the same restroom. They have fully and wholeheartedly gone out of their way to make me feel welcome all day long, in every way. To these women, and indeed to myself, I am a woman, and it reinforces my joy that indeed I am a woman.

Similarly, even women elsewhere (who I assume are probably nearly all genetic women) that I don't even know, smile at me with bright eyes, chat with me in the elevator, make light-hearted comments about life and the weather passing in hallways, and even grant me smiles of womanly recognition on the sidewalk in downtown Seattle. To these complete strangers I believe that I appear as a [60-year old] woman that I know myself to be.

When I am mis-gendered by co-workers, and members of the general public, through the careless use of male pronouns, those damaging, hurtful words "he," "him," and "sir" kick me in the virtual stomach, and it hurts. For those thankfully increasingly brief periods of time, immediately thereafter, I twist in emotional pain inside at the thought that I am being mistaken for a man, even though I know, and (here comes the originally-intended OP insight again) now implicitly realize that I am a woman.

That's what I was trying to say! And thank you for making those points Kathryn. I hope that clears up my intent for you and everyone else here.

All the best,

Ann

x0*-*0x

[Badtranny]

Your original post made perfect sense.