My wife got me thinking last night

[Marcelle]

Hi all,

As some of you may know, I only recently came out to my wife and have found this forum such a great resource and comfort. Thanks to all who have responded to any of my posts/comments . . . Hugs. :)

I know, some of your are probably saying . . . here she goes again with a small essay. Sorry, I am verbose, but it is something I picked up during my education and just can't let it go. So I apologize :battingeyelashes:

In an effort to integrate Isha into our relationship my wife and I always take an hour when I am dressed to discuss everything. I am not just talking CD but everything. Over the past three weeks I have shared more with my wife than I have in 24 years of marriage. So last night I was taken a bit back when she said "I have to tell you something I have been struggling on how to put it". Needless to say, I was petrified . . . I figured okay, the honeymoon is over and now I am out on my &*%. So I took a deep breath and asked her what it was.

She explained that for the past three weeks I have been walking around on egg shells, almost going out of my way to be overly nice, sensitive and thoughtful and to some degree it is freaking her out. I then explained I needed to because I spent so much time lying to her and I needed to make amends.

She looked at me for a brief moment, smiled and said "Sweetie, I guess if you apply semantics, yes you lied to me but really the only person you lied to was yourself". She went on to say "When we met many years ago, did you know you were like this or at least suspect". I answered I had a feeling and that at some deep level I always did. She then asked "When you started going out with me, did you say to yourself, I am going to purposely lie to this women and hide everything about me, wait 24 years then lower the boom" I said no.

Her final comment on this was "Then I guess you had your reasons for not telling me and to be honest if you had told me early in the relationship, I doubt we would be together today. I fell in love with you and all your baggage just like you love me with all mine so stop acting like you are a deviant who needs to be forgiven, you are who you are and if I didn't love you I wouldn't be here."

Now that is what got me thinking. I find a lot of support on this forum and for the most part all the advice and comments are about acceptance and understanding. But every so often I do read into the comments and slight quips enter which to disturb me a bit. It is general comments about how you need to go the extra mile because you lied and this is bad.

Don't get me wrong, I am fully cognizant of the fact I need to be open with my wife now that Isha is out of the closet, but my wife is right, I don't need to feel bad about my choice not to disclose to her earlier on. We all have our reasons for keeping parts of us hidden from the world around this, call it lying, call it cognitive dissonance, call it whatever. The fact is nobody truly sees us for who we really are. I only pray that my wife never sees the part of me which allows me to do the things I need to do in my day job. I am sure she like some of you would find that part disturbing and abhorrent. I chose not to share that side because I need to protect myself and I need to protect her from some ugly truth and nothing can be gained by sharing that. Don't get me wrong, she knows what I do for a living but not how I manage to do it.

Regarding CD, this is part of me and most likely always has been. I can't change that any more than I can stop the world from turning. However, sharing such a secret especially owing to societal opinions is very, very, very hard. My wife is correct, I did not set out to ruin her life or hurt her, I hid a part of me for whatever reason (good or bad) because I was not sure how she would react. Is that selfish, perhaps but in the end that was my choice (good or bad). Once again, I know fully that communication between us is very important and I hide nothing when it comes to Isha (good or bad) as she affects both of us from this point forward. And yes, I won't lie, my wife admitted her self-esteem took a big hit . . . nobody wants to hear their husband prefers to dress girly . . . she thought it was about her. We talked that out and are working on that.

So what am I trying to say (I am sure some of you are wondering what is wrong with the girl :)). All I want to say, is yes, we who have chosen to not come clean with our SOs for whatever reason or have taken a long time to do so, can be accused of lying (I get it). However, you have to weigh the balances of good and bad before making that call. It is not like I was telling my wife, FYI, I still sneak smoke from time to time. I was telling her I like to wear lingerie and act girly.

So all I ask is a bit of sensitivity when posting whether you are CD/SO/GG. Implying that we are lying to our SOs and this is bad/shame, shame - does not help and can hurt. Think of all those who have not come clean for whatever reason. I get it, it is not just about us (the CD) but also our SO. However, try to not judge too harshly if you have come clean or if you are GG/SO making a comment. Ask yourself, have you shared everything with your SO and if you say yes, I would be tempted to say perhaps you are not being 100 percent truthful . . . but that doesn't make you a liar, just cautious and guarded :).

Okay, I will relinquish the soapbox . . . again. I love you all to death and don't know what I would do without this forum. I am hoping that you will understand, I shared this because I felt like it was safe to do so. If I have offended anyone, please PM me as I don't want this to transpire into a name calling post. I would just like to solicit some feedback on my observation and get some thoughts from others (CD and GG)

Hugs

Isha

[Ericaxd]

Isha

thanks for that very thoughtful post. You capture the dilemma so many of us face quite well.

[Christina Kay]

Great touching post Isha. You touched so close to my story. You have given answers ,to questions that have been running through my head. I don't want to post my story here, but will be posting and asking for advice, very shortly.Thank you for being so forth coming,I know it has not been easy for your wife and you. I have learned so much from this site, and look forward to the replies. Good luck and hugs :) Aretha

[Gloriamontrose]

Isha,

I can relate to just about everything you write about. I dress all the time I'm at home these days and just completed three ADG's (all day Glorias) in a row. A while back my wife and I had a very similar conversation about me walking on eggshells and being super thoughtful and she too was freaking out over it. Could not take it much more and didn't care what I looked like just so long as I BEHAVED normally. I too made the comment that I didn't understand why she was being so supportive and accepted Gloria into the household. Her explation was this "You are what you are and I know that nothing on this earth is going to change you and leave you a happy person. I've got no problem with the crossdressing so just be normal".
The next day she chose me a top and dress from Tar-jai and talks openly about whether 'Gloria would like this or that'.
I still don't fully get it but will never complain again, never!
Gloria

[DebbieL]

I think the hardest thing we ever do is tell our wives or significant others. For many of us, this isn't the first time someone has found out, but when we were younger it didn't turn out very well. If you have ever been bullied for being a "sissy", or seen others bullied for being a "sissy", if you've ever been bullied, or seen others bullied because their effeminate nature was misinterpreted as homosexuality - labels like "queer", "fairy", or "queen". Or if you've ever heard "Dude looks like a lady" sung loud, but a bunch of drunk guys who have "clocked" a cross-dresser, then you know, the reveal can be terrifying.

At the same time, when we are telling our wife or lover, this is the most important person in our lives. And for many of us, our wives are the first people other than perhaps a mother or grandmother, that we have EVER told. But grandma and mom didn't have a choice about loving us, they loved us because that's what mothers do. When we tell our wife or lover, they CAN walk away. They CAN end the relationship. They CAN stop loving us. Worse, they could tell our secret to others, even spreading the reveal as gossip as she explains why she left you. She could blackmail you. She could tell a father or grandfather who wouldn't be so understanding. She could even tell the people at church, at work, or your drinking buddies.

Some women realize this power and exploit it. They gain control in the relationship, and can often become quite cruel. At the same time, they can withhold approval, making it even more uncomfortable. They might shut down sexually, romantically, and even stop being intimate. She might even take a lover, and let her husband know about him. She can do this because she, and she alone, knows a secret he wants kept from EVERYBODY else.

Of course, for such a woman, the possibility of going public could be devastating - to her. She would very quickly LOSE all that power and control.

However, if what is really there is true and unconditional love, it will be more like your wife. She loves you as you are and as your aren't - baggage and all. And you love her the same way.

So much of what happens after the reveal is determined by what you have been like BEFORE the reveal. If you have been a sexist, macho, "alpha male", a control freak, and insisted that she dress to please you, have sex the way you want, and that you don't do "women's work", because it's beneath you, then the reveal will go very badly for you.

If on the other hand, you have loved her unconditionally, through weight gains, pregnancies, funky days, illnesses, held her head when she was sick, and encouraged her to wear what she liked and to be comfortable. If you loved her just the way she is and just the way she isn't, no matter what changes, then the reveal will probably go very well for you. Even if you really do want to TRANSITION, she will probably support you.

This is not a hard fast rule, but it seems to follow that pattern more often than not in the long term.

If the live IS there, and the reveal goes well, you will find yourself being more loving, because you don't have to hide this most intimate and special part of you from her anymore. You can love her with ALL of yourself. There is no longer that nagging voice saying "If she knew the truth, would she still love you?"

Thank you Isha for sharing your story. It warms my heart to see a reveal turn out so well.

[Marcelle]

Hi Gloria,

I like the acronym (ADG). Glad to hear your wife is as supportive as mine. I think sometimes we forget, that we are what we are and that is not bad. It doesn't change me but helps to define me. It is fortunate that our wives have chosen to share this experience and integrate it into our relationship. My wife would like to help me shop for Isha but she is the first to admit her concept of girly girl fashion is not good. She did say this new journey has increased her gift giving ideas for me ten fold and now no longer has to default to yet another set of socket wrenches. Who knows perhaps next Valentines I might be the one getting lingerie :heehee:

Hugs

Isha

Hi Debbie,

Thanks for your response. I agree, much about the reveal will be determined by the state of the relationship prior. I believe with all my heart that if I had been an Alpha jerk at home . . . I would be sitting alone right now.

While I am a definite Alpha Male at work, at home we have always and still do share every aspect of domestic life. In fact, she will be the first to admit I am better at vacuuming than her. We both do housework we both do yard work . . . although she won't touch the chainsaw (which is were I am heading right now). I have never judged her looks, way of dressing or choices only supported. She has done likewise for me and continues to do so.

I am glad you enjoyed the post.

Hugs

Isha


Isha

thanks for that very thoughtful post. You capture the dilemma so many of us face quite well.

You are welcome.

Hugs

Isha

[Tracii G]

Isha you put that very well.
I came out to second wife after we had separated and she was fine with the fact I am TG and CD on a regular basis.She knew deep inside I was different in some way just couldn't put her finger on it.She left over guilt of her cheating I know that now and I forgive her because I wasn't the easiest to live with either.
Your wife seems very wise and quite reasonable in her line of thinking.
She understands its not anything she did its just the way you are and always have been.Most women have a hard time when their husbands finally tell them the big secret.
They don't accept the premise that a man can be girly and still be a man.

[EllenJo]

Isha, very interesting thread. My wife and I had a similar discussion last spring. She asked me to not keep asking if what I was wearing bothered her. She told me that if it did she would have said something long ago. I have been very careful to avoid the pink fog and believe me that is not easy. Most of the time I wear skirts and blouses around the house without wig and makeup. She likes what she calls the feminine version of me with some of the male version still showing. LOL. Full presentation can be a lot of work and I love being able to just slip into something comfortable and feel feminine. Those of us with accepting wives are truely blessed. We just have to accept ourselves as we are and accept that they love us enough to let us be who we are.

Hugs
Ellen Jo

[LasVegasXD]

Isha, thank you. Soothing salve for a savaged soul. I went incremental and it did OK versus the big reveal. I just think she hit a limit with Jenny (then Misty) and couldn't stand it any more. But honestly I have zero clue what happened. I think I tried to keep her from going back to her childhood home and that just built up over time. Still she (and it was at her insistence) that I became more and more the beautiful woman (yeah I am at least for me) that I am now.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Isha , what an incredible report!!! Simply a great idea to sit and talk about everything while en femme. Your wife not only sees Isha, but hears the truth behind the clothes to better understand who you are ! I love the idea and plan to incorporate it once I get over the big reveal. Your wife 's responses and comments were so rationale and beautiful. Thank you for sharing ..not only your post but helping me to digest that a man ,even the burliest of men, can come to find peace with the woman inside. Thanks again..

[Ceri Anne]

I havn't been watching the board much lately, but I found your long verbose essay very enjoyable and informative. I have yet to come out to my wife, primarily because I know much about her thought processes. How your wife worded things and how you did was very inspiring, I will have to look up more of your story. BTW verbose is only bad when you don't actually say anything of import :D

[Lorileah]

Now that is what got me thinking. I find a lot of support on this forum and for the most part all the advice and comments are about acceptance and understanding. But every so often I do read into the comments and slight quips enter which to disturb me a bit. It is general comments about how you need to go the extra mile because you lied and this is bad. who ever said you needed to "go the extra mile"? Going from one extreme to the other is just as bad. And really why would you have to act nicer? Shouldn't you have been nice to start with?


my wife is right, I don't need to feel bad about my choice not to disclose to her earlier on. The emphasis is on YOUR WIFE. I can promise you that 90% of the wives here would disagree with her. Good for you but if I am reading this correctly you are saying "Go ahead, your wife will forgive you". You are lucky, your wife is understanding and knows (IMO) what love is...warts and all. But I fear someone will read your post and say "aw heck, I don't have to worry...my wife will understand after 28 years".

I did not set out to ruin her life or hurt her, I hid a part of me for whatever reason (good or bad) because I was not sure how she would react. This is very true, we don't know how anyone will react. And it is a legitimate reason. However, what if the SO doesn't have the understanding yours has? You would have in effect wasted years of her life because you didn't trust her enough to make her own decision. You state that you may not have gotten together. So either she has aged well and has fallen even more in love with you than she was when you were married (Yay...that is how it should be...deeper in love everyday) or she would have said "let's try this and see where it goes".
my wife admitted her self-esteem took a big hit . . . nobody wants to hear their husband prefers to dress girly . . . she thought it was about her. You may have hit on a major thought there. Something I don't think has been brought up before...her self esteem. :thinking: I think that is a very valid point

However, you have to weigh the balances of good and bad before making that call. It is not like I was telling my wife, FYI, I still sneak smoke from time to time. I was telling her I like to wear lingerie and act girly. So smoking (whatever you are smoking) is worse...or sneaking a smoke is worse? OK health risk and all that but I don't see how they relate. Other than you doing something (anything) behind her back that can effect her life in the future..which again, I don't see that one is better or worse than the other. :idontknow:

Ask yourself, have you shared everything with your SO and if you say yes, I would be tempted to say perhaps you are not being 100 percent truthful . . . but that doesn't make you a liar, just cautious and guarded :). If it effects the relationship, the future of the relationship and the life of the SO...yes, it was brought forward. If it was "hey I used to drive 130 mph on the interstate..." no that wasn't important to her life going forward. Yes we all have little secrets, but dressing is something that will effect HER life. So no, I disagree that keeping it hidden won't hurt anyone. Maybe you have to be on the other side of the coin to get this. I was. (no My GF didn't cross dress...but there were other things that she kept from me and I went along blissfully ignorant...until I found out)

I am happy this has worked out for you. You know from many other posts that you are the exception. Your wife is an exceptional wonderful person. We do find those on occasion. :^5:

[Gloriamontrose]

[QUOTE=Isha;3287438]Hi Gloria,

Who knows perhaps next Valentines I might be the one getting lingerie :heehee:

Isha,

That's a BRILLIANT idea. I'll have to start dropping hints. Lets see now...:battingeyelashes:

Gloria

[darla_g]

an interesting thread, i will definitely have to discuss this with my wife

[Jodie_Lynn]

Isha, you are one extremely lucky, lucky girl. And your wife sounds like an exceptionally compassionate woman who truly, deeply loves *you*, regardless of the exterior facade.

I truly, seriously envy you, and wish you and your dear wife all the best the world has to offer.

Imma gonna go and have a good cry now.

[Marcelle]

Hi Lorileah,

Thanks very much for your reply and observations. I would like to respond to them in kind.

And really why would you have to act nicer? Shouldn't you have been nice to start with?

My point exactly, from reading some posts both CD and GG I get the impression that some believe we need to prove to our SOs everyday how very, very sorry we are for hiding something from them. Yes, by all means we owe them an explanation but we don't need to spend every waking moment making amends. If we fall into that frame of reference, then the relationship can never grow. In the end it is about "both" parties, the SO and the CG. BTW, I have always been very nice to my wife and have never played the Alpha Jerk at home.

The emphasis is on YOUR WIFE. I can promise you that 90% of the wives here would disagree with her. But I fear someone will read your post and say "aw heck, I don't have to worry...my wife will understand after 28 years.

Got it, but in the end, we are all cognizant adults. If I was thinking about coming out and I read a post and thought . . . "it worked out for that guy . . . I'll give it a try", then there is some fundamental issues with cognitive reasoning. I came out due to a necessity, it may have gone bad but luckily it didn't. Who knows a week from now it may change . . . If someone reads my post and thinks that I have all the answers, then I apologize for being misleading. In the end we all have to make the wisest decision available after weighing all pros and cons . . . don't do something because one person said it is okay.

This is very true, we don't know how anyone will react. And it is a legitimate reason. However, what if the SO doesn't have the understanding yours has? You would have in effect wasted years of her life because you didn't trust her enough to make her own decision.

You missed the point of this. I was not saying I did not trust her to make a decision. I just find that people tend to think we (CD) wake up one day and say, heck . . . I think I'll ruin a woman's life and lie to her. I fell deeply in love with my wife the day I met her and have remained so since that day. As our relationship grew and I wrestled with this, I did not see what would be gained by telling her. I felt like a deviant (thank society for that) and I could not bear to lose her or hurt her. Was that wrong . . . Yes. Was I being selfish . . . You bet. Am I human and do I make mistakes in life . . . oh yeah. All I can do now is work through this. Having people deride you for life choices and say, you could have destroyed this person, does not help resolve and heal.

So smoking (whatever you are smoking) is worse...or sneaking a smoke is worse? OK health risk and all that but I don't see how they relate.

You missed the point. I was saying that the secret I was hiding was not a simple matter that could be resolved with a quick confession and lets move on. This was big/monumental. I wasn't comparing the two in any manner.

So no, I disagree that keeping it hidden won't hurt anyone.

This is my point. By you saying that keeping things hidden from your SO they will get hurt, if I use your logic above . . . those who have chosen not to and read your comments may be inclined to fess up less they hurt someone?

Maybe you have to be on the other side of the coin to get this.

Believe, me I have been there so no I am not naïve on this front.

I am happy this has worked out for you. You know from many other posts that you are the exception. Your wife is an exceptional wonderful person. We do find those on occasion.

I am sorry if this post offended you. I was under the impression that we were free to discuss all matters related to our experience. If this is a problem and it appears that I am "blowing my own horn" I will as we say in my day job "disengage and pick the hill I choose to die on".

Isha

[Leona]

Thank you, Lori. :)

This is a wonderful story. I shall now attempt to compare and contrast it to some of the others.

* You hadn't come out to yourself until recently, right? That's what happened with me. Although I still dressed occasionally, I didn't admit it to myself until I was engaged to my now-wife. And apparently I did as Lori would have wanted me to do, right after coming out to myself, I turned around and immediately came out to my wife. While I had the feelings for our entire relationship, it's hard to say I lied to her or kept it from her since I still hadn't admitted it was even true. If I was keeping it from myself, then I was completely honest when I kept it from her.

* Your wife makes the point that you are who you are, and at some level there's supposed to BE unconditional love. "I love you, and will always love you, even though you're now in jail for embezzling a bunch of money and I have to declare bankruptcy. We'll probably never live together again. I still love you and accept you as you are." Then there's "I love you even when you're wearing a dress, but I'd rather you be naked for sex because I love your hot body, too".

* The deceptive behavior described here is usually identical to what you'd expect with an alcoholic, drug addict, or other similar individual. The alcoholic sneaks a flask to work and hits from it, getting drunk at work, then goes home and hits the hard stuff, but you never see it. Likewise, there are CDers who hide money in bank accounts that the family needs so they can later purchase stuff for their stash, then disappear for periods of time to dress. Some are even worse, they put on their SO's clothes and then get a man to come over and do certain things. These are clearly deceptive behaviors. If you're careful about the money thing and nobody is ever hurt by it, and you really had the best intentions keeping it a secret, it may be a bit easier to forgive. But this is clearly not the same thing as having spent your life lying to yourself about it. Since you didn't engage in the addict behavior, you didn't have to 'fess up to it.

* For her, it looks like she's being very accepting right now. It will still be a rollercoaster for her, in all likelihood. You may be committing the "OMG My wife still loves me!" offense here, where she may drop a bomb on you next week and you'll be blindsided. But the likelihood of that bomb dropping depends on you being yourself when dressed in the meantime, and still respecting her desires for you to be a man. My experience with my wife tells me it's a lot easier to accept as long as she still gets time with Her Man. There's probably still a bomb dropping in the future, but you can definitely prepare for the blast and do a lot to keep the blast relatively small.

Lori: I'm curious, but not asking, about what your GF was doing. I want to respect your privacy, but if you're willing to talk, I *am* curious.

[Marcelle]

an interesting thread . . .


Isha, you are one extremely lucky, lucky girl . . .


Isha, very interesting thread. My wife and I had a similar discussion last spring . . .


Isha, thank you. Soothing salve for a savaged soul . . .


Isha , what an incredible report!!! Simply a great idea to sit and talk about everything while en femme . . .


I havn't been watching the board much lately, but I found your long verbose essay very enjoyable and informative . . .

Hi all,

Thanks much for your replies and comments. Just got back from bonding with my male side . . . clearing brush with a chainsaw . . . work boots play havoc on a new pedi.

Hugs

Isha

Hi Leona,

You are correct, I understood what was going on with me, probably on some level my entire life albeit very repressed. When it did hit me, I had to take time to think and accept that I like to dress girly. It weighed heavy on my mind and in the end I had to tell my wife or sink into a bottomless pit. Over the years, I experimented with some closet dressing but quickly stopped as I felt guilt and shame. Never used my wife's clothes by the way and never spent the family fortune on items (perhaps a pair of panties at most).

I agree, she is accepting right now and this could change over night. This is why we go to great lengths to keep the communication lines open. I won't do anything she is uncomfortable with. As well, she has said she needs to see my boy side from time to time (hence the brush clearing today . . . nothing says manly more that wielding a chain saw in a t-shirt, jeans and work boots :)

Thanks again

Isha

[TeresaCD]

Hiya Isha. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I agree - we hide stuff often for good reasons.
And, when we stop hiding, we may not need to grovel, as you said (in as many words).
I do think that it's good to make very sure our SOs know how central they are to us, though.
Because we've taken a lifetime to come to terms with who we are, they have some coming to terms to do to, and need our understanding, compassion and support.
Glad it's been a positive thing for you.

[Beverley Sims]

I have told my wife the truth about myself.
I have not told her everything.
There are some things that happen in life that are better left unsaid.
It is not lying but being "dishonestly tactful".
I like that phrase. :)

[Christina Kay]

Hi Isha What a great thought provoking post. This post opened old wounds, irritated a festering wound, and the pain we can cause to our loved ones. It has brought home the reality of both sides of the story. Isha's story has struck quite close to home. We all can relate to this story. For years having kept you inner girl hidden in the shadowy depths. And then she starts coming through, alas It does feel right. You treat your wife with the love and respect that you always have. But now it feels different the way you do and treat your wife. Yes still the same but the love and respect has taken on a slightly more softer more a genuine feel. And yes they do notice, it's the same but they sense the difference. I am glad some brought up the So side and view. This is nagging ,lingering shadow, that follows. A cold dose of reality. We can only hope to have a similiar result. But that is why we are here, to ask ,to learn, a shoulder to lean or a hug. We all walk that path of twilight (keeping her in the shadows) but it does peek through. My wife see's it . She even named her Aretha. The hurt we cause on our wives. The pain we have hidden, for whatever reason. I can only hope. For as we let our inner girl, Come out of the twilight. She see's the dawning Of a new day. Hopefully the storm clouds on the horizon, are blowing away from us. So thank you everyone for all the various viewpoints on this post. Good luck to Isha and her wife. May dawn be so good to us all. So I am now going to put the dogs out. Get a cup of tea, put on my robe and slippers. Quietly go outside. So my loving wife can get some extra zzzz's, lord knows she deserves it. Watch the twilight lessen, the shadows disappear. The world come alive.And a new day starts. Then pull out the new Lane Bryant catalog and browse through it .lol. Good luck to all hugs :)

[Lorileah]

First Isha, you didn't offend me. I think in the grand scheme of things what you and your wife are doing is wonderful. I just worry that some will read it and say "Aw what the heck...if I wait she won't leave because she 'loves' me" You won the lottery, you have a wife who "gets" it


My point exactly, from reading some posts both CD and GG I get the impression that some believe we need to prove to our SOs everyday how very, very sorry we are for hiding something from them. Yes, by all means we owe them an explanation but we don't need to spend every waking moment making amends. I agree, say you are sorry for keeping the secret, you still love her, you will attempt to not do it again. I like that you spend hours in discussion. That is the strongest thing you both could do.




I was not saying I did not trust her to make a decision. I just find that people tend to think we (CD) wake up one day and say, heck . . . I think I'll ruin a woman's life and lie to her. I don't think anyone does this intentionally. No one says "I am going to mess this person up" but I want people here to understand that they are, unconsciously, doing just that. So often here I see someone post "I can't tell my wife because she would not understand". You make the assumption. And with time your relationship is built on what the wife sees. This is a fragile foundation that could crumble at any time. And the longer you rely on that foundation and the more that is built upon it, the greater the crash. Coming out earlier (and this is for the newbies who are just getting here) the less damage or in another worst case perspective the more time you have to either rebuild or move on. I call it equity. Personally I think my wife was very much like yours. She always said I was my own person and she stayed with me through a lot of stupid stuff.


This is my point. By you saying that keeping things hidden from your SO they will get hurt, if I use your logic above . . . those who have chosen not to and read your comments may be inclined to fess up less they hurt someone? someone will be hurt no matter what, but mitigating the hurt is important. You want the hurt to always be less. We beat this to death here but we need to allow the SO to make their own decision. However, it is always easier for us to make the decision for them. Maybe not the right move but easier.



Lori: I'm curious, but not asking, about what your GF was doing. I want to respect your privacy, but if you're willing to talk, I *am* curious.

I have posted it before, but here is the Reader's Digest version. I was with my GF for years. Her last name wasn't her "maiden" name so I asked if she had been married. Her answer was "no" and I let that go. When she died and I was talking with the police, they asked about next of kin. I said she had a brother but he was homeless and I didn't know how to get ahold of him They asked her age, I gave them the date and year she had given me. When they ran her license, the cop said on the radio "1947?" and I looked up and he nodded his head...she was 5 years older than she said...no big deal. People hedge age all the time. Then the next day I get a call from the coroner saying "we found her daughter." Ok...I didn't know she had a daughter (and I felt I looked really stupid then from what I told them the day before). So...she was 5 years older, had been married not once but twice before and had two children. All of which she had kept from me. Relate this to Cdng (which BTW she knew about from me BEFORE we ever met in person), I had an idea of our life. The age...if had known would I have been better prepared for her death? The husbands...no big deal but why not tell me? The children...yes a big deal because now I felt that I kept her from contacting them as often as she could have (because she could not call them when I was around). All this destroyed the life I thought we had. I had to deal with this alone and could not even ask her why she kept this from me. So I can see how an SO would feel if after X years their husband comes "out". My GF didn't allow me to make any decision as to if this information would effect me. Yes the dynamic of the relationship would have changed, but like Isha's SO I would have kept on loving her. And I would have had the chance to meet the daughter. OK not so Reader's digest. But you have to realize that the relationship you are in is built on what information you have. If you don't have the whole puzzle, the foundation has a weakness. When this weakness is compromised, the rest of the relationship may fall. Best to patch it early right?

[Marcelle]

Hi Lorileah,

Thanks much. I believe we are on the same wave length, just looking at it from different directions. :)

I believe in honesty and to be honest, if I had not reached such a disastrous point of no return in my own life I don't know if I would have told my wife perhaps I might have.

I guess it goes with the job I chose to do . . . secrecy is something I have to live with every day and there is still lots of me which I cannot disclose to my wife. Someday after I retire . . . who knows.

Thanks again for the open dialogue.

Isha