How do you and your SO interact after the talk?

[Christina Kay]

From being on this forum. I am discovering a part of me, I thought was buried. It's not like my wife , never knew about my cd.Early in our marriage I let her know, it was more a sexual thing for the bedroom. But was hit with the " if I knew this before I never would have married you" , its was very early in the marriage(we have never had children). But I slowly buried it not knowing or fully understanding what really i am. Hid my cd then , very sporadic , but would go in spurts. Fast forward 23yrs.Then she found my little hidden stash, was confronted about it. The usual fight ensued, talks of divorce, and the such ensued. But with me telling her how I felt, why I felt I cd, we stayed together .I still don't think I knew what I needed. Nor wanting to hurt her again I didn't pursue it. So it went back in the deep recess's. But then in the ensuring years, my wife would see feminine undertones, and actually started calling me Aretha at times(being a diva) So the name stuck. But when I would be showing a much more caring self. And I of course would feel more at ease and relaxed. No anger/temper issues, which she thought i needed to talk with someone about.But after awhile she'd jokingly say "Aretha can I have my husband back" :eek: So now being older and realizing I like to cd ,it's relaxing. I like that I can express my softer side, I enjoy my feminine side. Having been the type who could tear up easy, ultra amount of empathy. But always hid it with the tough guy bad ass image, a real self protection thing. So I know we will have to talk, let her know(I think she knows some but not all). Thanks for reading this. There are so many of you that have given me advice and your experiences. I know I am a little way off from our talk. It will happen, but there are things in our life that are taking up too much energy and time right now.i am hoping by years end. I know It will be a shock, but iam hoping that our years together and the times we have endured, will see us through. Hugs :battingeyelashes::battingeyelashes:

[Melissa in SE Tn]

I will say a breath prayer for peace for you and your wife.

[sometimes_miss]

I got the same response, that she never would have married me. We started therapy, and she appeared to be making progress with it, but in reality she was simply building up her position so she could leave on her own terms; was nice to me, bought me some girl clothes, helped me with makeup, took pictures of me dressed looking as female as possible, yet also unfortunately I was easily identifyable in the pictures. A couple years later, she dropped the bomb and presented me with divorce papers, during the time in between, she was positioning herself financially as well as setting me up for blackmail; told me if I didn't give her everything she wanted, she'd send copies of the pictures she had of me dressed up as a girl as well as a letter of information describing my crossdressing to my friends, co-workers and family. Be prepared for the worst. It may not happen, but at least you'll be prepared if it does.
Good luck.

[Marcelle]

Hi Aretha,

Unfortunately, there are no guarantees where people and emotions are involved. All you can do is talk openly and honestly once you come out. My wife and I talk as much as we can both when I en femme as Isha and when I am in male mode. She told me it helps her to reconcile both sides of me if she can interact with each side.

Is this the end of the story . . . happily ever after. I doubt it. We have been married for 24 years and throughout have disagreed on things, decisions and the likes. We fought, we yelled but we always got back together. Albeit this is a bit bigger than whose family we should visit this year. So, I believe we are in for some rough patches regarding the CD (I would be naïve if didn't admit that). However, if your relationship is strong (and I get the feeling you and your wife have such a relationship), you keep the communication lines open and continue to talk honestly and openly about all things (not just CD), you should be able to weather the storm. At least that is what I am hoping for in my relationship now.

Hugs

Isha

[kimdl93]

I shared this before we got engaged, but along the way we've shared some surprising changes. Fortunately, I think it's fair to say that our relationship is stronger than ever.

[Jodie_Lynn]

In regards to my CD-ing, we do not interact at all. On the few occasions I tried to discuss things with her, her first comment is, and I quote:

"If you want to live as a woman, then it's over for us. I can't live with a woman"

Now, since that is usually her opening statement of the discussion, it is also the last statement of the discussion. To me, when she makes this comment, it closes the door on any further conversation regarding anything related to my situation, feelings or thoughts. And, it leaves me feeling like I am engaged in something perverse and dirty. I really do envy all of those who have an open dialogue with their mates regarding the subject.

[Eryn]

I came to realize that I was TG after 20 years of marriage. Shortly after that we talked. We both discussed our fears. Since then we have tried to keep our communication as open as possible, as problems shared do not fester as readily as problems kept to oneself.

Honestly, our relationship now is stronger than our relationship was before. We have sought out an equilibrium that meets both of our needs. CDing has introduced us to new friends and experiences, not all of which directly relate to CDing. Having a "no fly zone" near home meant that we had to find things to do outside that zone and that has broadened our horizons more than CDing itself.

[ReineD]

But when I would be showing a much more caring self.

I have a question, Aretha. Is it your feminine presentation that your wife objects to, or the fact that you are a caring, sensitive, and empathetic person? Or does she confuse the two?

I personally have never felt that genetic men should not express the full range of human emotion. I have seen my dad cry, and my brother, my ex, and my sons occasionally and my heart went out to them just as it does when I see a woman cry. In fact, probably more.

[Carroll]

Told my wife the very first time I met her...almost 15 years ago.

[Eryn]

I have seen my dad cry, and my brother, my ex, and my sons occasionally and my heart went out to them just as it does when I see a woman cry. In fact, probably more.

(emphasis mine)

Your "probably more" comment emphasizes our society's disapproval of men crying. In our society, a man crying means that Something Really Bad has occurred and that the man is close to the edge, in great need of support.

[ReineD]

To Eryn,

Re your statement: "Your "probably more" comment emphasizes our society's disapproval of men crying. In our society, a man crying means that Something Really Bad has occurred and that the man is close to the edge, in great need of support."

My "probably more" does mean that I recognize that an issue has to be pretty big for a man to cry, unfortunately. But there definitely is no disapproval from me.

Much Later Edit - Eryn, I've just read my post again and it reads harsh, which was not my intent. I know that men are conditioned to not cry in front of other men. But, if their spouses, sisters, mothers and daughters are like me, maybe they can learn that it's OK to shed tears in their homes, with their loved ones.

[Christina Kay]

@ReineD It would be the feminine presentation. I know that would be the hardest for her. Thanks and hugs

[Beverley Sims]

Each time we jump a hurdle, everything improves.

[Celina]

I don't think she would be that surprised when you tell her how you feel, seing as she has seen your stash and you had some tendencies early in your relationship. But it'll proberly still be hard for her eventho she knows something is up.

Just slightly less than two weeks agoe I told my GF, and we've honestly had a bumpy periode since. Some days are just like it's allways been and some days are just ones that needs to get over with. But we will come out of it stronger, because both of us wants to :)

[Marcelle]

Hi Aretha,

I forgot to ask in my response to your post . . . Has your wife ever seen you dressed? I am guessing not?

Hugs

Isha

[Christina Kay]

The bedroom was dark , so more of a shadowy image at best. Still, her views on alternate lifestyles and such have been very open. It's probably the visual shock. That would occur in the bright light of day. But now for me it's not about a sexual romp in bed. More of a cross gender expression . This is the hurdle that we would have to cross. The integrating of the two parts.(borrowed that from your posts) . The man she knows and married ,to the person I feel more at ease with. There's not a real big difference, just more feminine mannerisms. And that would be the start of the talk. And then we would go from there. :) hugs

[Marcelle]

Hi Aretha,

The one thing that helped us to get over a shock factor of my wife seeing me dressed for the first time was that she helped me dress (make-up included). She said this allowed her to see the transformation start to finish so it was less of a OMG :eek: what did you do with my husband (and I am not talking a drop dead gorgeous OMG more like "Dude does not look like a Lady" OMG)

Not sure if your wife is willing to travel down that road, but if she is, it might help lessen the first full light shock factor.

Hugs

Isha

[Christina Kay]

Hi Isha I think once the talk happens, and if that road is open, then it is a very helpful suggestion.. It is something I haven't thought about. I guess I am still in the , just revealing my feelings as to what is going on with me. The hope we can talk about it. If we have gotten to the acceptance of Aretha, i am sure the level of my expression, and my wifes level of comfort. If any. Will be the determining factor. As much as i would luv to pull out the Lane Bryant catalogue, and start choosing outfits.. I try to realize that reality is always a sobering factor. So as we all Do.I run the various scenarios in my head, plan for the inevitable, hope for the best. Thank you to all who posted on this thread. :) hugs

[suchacutie]

The first time I ever presented as Tina was for my wife and it was only afew articles of clothing and heels. We were both shocked at my comfort as I can't even tolerate dressing in a costume for Halloween. Within 10 min. we we online looking for Tina's first dress while the conversation went on trying to understand what we had uncovered. Most of her questions were answered with, "I don't know" but that we both wanted/needed to continue to find the answers to who Tina is/was. The first time fully dressed was clearly an OMG moment (a few months later as the needed items had to be obtained). Being fully dressed started a new set of topics for conversation and we started sharing life experiences related to gender.

After 8 years the closeness is intense and we pretty well know who Tina is/was. Tina and I understand incredibly better what it means to grow up as a girl and to live as a w oman. We feel this process made us much stronger and mutually insightful.

I think the key to our success was tolerance, curiosity, love, respect, honesty, and commitment on both our parts. Without my wife I'm sure Tina would never have been successful.

[PaulaQ]

Be prepared for the possibility that it will go very badly when you talk to your wife. My talk with my wife effectively ended my marriage. I have a long thread about it all. But the short version is that 4 months after I told her, we were separated.

If it does go badly, expect some unsupportive words from some folks here:
- You should a told her sooner, so you're a liar
- Your marriage was bad anyway
In other words - it's all on you.

I think this is bullshit, BTW, some women will simply never accept this in their spouse, regardless of your marriage, and it's incredibly hard to understand this stuff about your gender.

All I can really offer is to wish you good luck, on all fronts, but especially with your wife.

[ReineD]

Paula, re your statement above mine: "My talk with my wife effectively ended my marriage."

Do you think there is a difference in a wife's acceptance levels, between being married to a partner who crossdresses and a partner who is TS and who is transitioning?

[PaulaQ]

I think that's virtually always the case, although it depends on who we are talking about. When I came out to my wife, I didn't put transition on the table, I hoped to follow a middle path as some on here do, and do a DADT situation with my wife. We never really recovered from that, and things got a lot worse for both of us very quickly. I think for some women, even telling them that this is part of your identity will be too much.

I think it depends on the person, although the odds of a marriage surviving transition are really low.

Anyway, my point was that going past "this is just a sex thing" will frighten some women - a lot.

[Christina Kay]

Hi PaulaQ Yes I agree . I can understand this could be very frightening to a women. My wife see's some of my feminine undertones. ( It feels relaxing to express this way at times with her)When they get too visible, she asks (Aretha can I have my husband back. )We were talking yesterday about some of the problems I dealt with gynecomastia when I was younger, (things that happened that i never told her before)and into adulthood. So was I laying ground work out. I don't know. The conversation just developed that way. We started out by talking about things that effected us from childhood. For me when the "talk" happens . it's wanting to explore the cd ing, alittle more. I just know by expressing the feminine side I communicate slightly different than in male mode. Thank you for posting :) hugs

[AveryS]

I've never presented feminine in front of my wife (well, once in the bedroom a LONG time ago, but to her that was just play, entirely different.) I came out to her last November as TG. It was a very VERY trying time for us - my dysphoria was causing major problems with work, family, etc and she kept pushing to know what was going on -- I told her that she didn't want to know and that I would deal with it on my own. Finally she forced it out of me and her reaction was bad.. "I was prepared for the worst. You were cheating, You were gay, you were dying, but this is far worse than anything I could have ever imagined."

I've gone to therapists, and she gets upset every time I go because it reminds her that we aren't 'normal'. But at the same time, she is more in tune with gender around her. She's identifying things that are very fluid about one of our kids, and doesn't force gender stereotypes on him (although she'd prefer he not wear princess dresses, and is happy when he's playing with his cars and trucks).

I started HRT in February and she does not know. Every once in a while she'll bring it up, "are you still thinking about your 'thing'?" And I have to reply with "It will never go away, I just have to deal with it on my own."...

It's terrible hiding this from her, but her reaction was VERY strong, and she's made it clear that the only reason we're still together is that I present as male, have a penis still, and allow her to live in a world of denial.

I'm still married, and we still have a loving relationship with our kids... but that would likely change if I fully came out and admitted everything that is really going on. How bad is that?

[PaulaQ]

@Aretha - Despite my negative story, I actually think you have a fighting chance at a relatively good outcome with her. I definitely wish you the best, and posted my story for balance. I think knowing 'no, I am not crazy to worry about a bad outcome', is helpful. At the same time, your story is rather different than mine, so it's also not crazy to think a better outcome is possible.

@Avery - Hon, at some point, living a lie is liable to be too much to bear for you. And at some point, HRT will insure you can't hide this well. My opinion is you should be honest with her, although perhaps you should do that in couple's therapy with her with someone who understands gender. In my view, what you are doing is no more fair to her than it would be if you hid the fact that you had cancer, and were undergoing treatment for it. Sadly, your chances for a good outcome with her seem really low. Is it fair to suggest you should be honest when it'll likely wreck your marriage? No, it is not fair. But you could die, and she should know. And I am VERY sorry to say that to you, and I say it with grief and sympathy, and maybe some hope the two of you will find a way for the sake of your kids. Odds are, though, you won't. What a bitter pill, huh? :(

[Vanessa5]

When I came out my wife had already figured something was up. Before we got married she found my stash of lingerie and told me to get rid of it. I did. Just a few months later I had another stash and had it found and was told again to chuck it. Fast forward to about 3 years ago when I came out she basically said I need thearapy (she wanted a cure) and if I dress she doesn't want to hear about it or participate. DADT. She still thinks that I can be cured of cding. Now when she feels the need in an argument she can pull the cd card and shame me. Not a very productive way to talk about it or my feelings.

[AveryS]

Paula - you are 100% correct. I'm just too chicken to have that conversation, and actually hope that over time, perhaps the hormones will help me life life as-is. So far, it has. I dress in private, and would like to go out from time to time, and ultimately that is something she has hinted at being able to tolerate. Living fully as a woman is a no-no for her - at least until the kids grow up. That, and I have to keep my penis.

There have been occasional glimmers of hope - she has commented positively about my mood since I have been on HRT. Most of he challenge is the uncertainty of the future. She lives in a world of Jerry Springer 'she-male' perceptions and not in the real world. Yes I am hiding this from her, however I did come out to her as trans, so it's not entirely a secret. I am also dealing with the situation the best that I can, on my own, as she had also requested.

The one other time it came up she said clearly 'I doubt you will ever share anything about it with me again.' And she's right for now.

[PaulaQ]

@AveryS - the irony is that all the spouses who say "but what about the children - OMG, what will this do to them!?!?!?!!!!" are really talking about themselves. Turns out, kids mostly just deal with this stuff. Even my grown sons did. Almost everyone I know who's TS, who has kids, still has a strong relationship with their kids. With their ex-wife? Not so much. The one who'll take this hardest will be your wife.

I hope everything works out for you. I understand what you're trying to do, and why. I'd hoped something like that would work out for me.