My story (some of it) and current status

[simalina]

Hey everyone =)

It's a sign of stubborness that I'm doing my second attempt at writing my story, since I accidently closed my browser when I was half finished. Oh god why.

Breath in, and out.. So here we go again.

My name is Steina. I'm 24 years old. I live with my 26 year old girlfriend and our 2 year old son, who is named after me.
I have known my girlfriend for 4 years. Shortly after we started seeing each other I confessed to her my "hobby", crossdressing. I started at the age of 18 but it was clearly a sexual thing for me then. She didn't really see any problem with it, in fact she was like "woah, i'm not even that surprised". It felt quite good.
She even tought me how to apply make up. As time passed I gathered that my cding was getting less and less approved by her. From there I only did it in private, feeling better and better about the feminine side of me. Until the point where I started getting really sad when it was time to remove the make up and clothes.
In late 2012 I was looking at myself in the mirror and I made the horrible discovery that cding wasn't enough. It really came as a huge shock to me. Thinking I could never through telling anyone, let alone start a transition, I became depressed. A few months later me and my girlfriend had a huge fight which ended with me telling her about my feelings. We broke up initially, but got together again the same day when we had realised that this truth didn't neccessarily mean we could not be together. We owed it to our son to at least give it a try anyway.

I saw a psychiatrist 2 months ago (he's like the only psychiatrist in Iceland that deals with transgendered people). He questioned if I really was transgendered, which now I think is probably something he has to do. But it planted seeds of doubt in my head, which i've only recently overcome. "You don't even refer to yourself as a "woman"". Bear in mind that in Icelandic, verbs are formed by gender. Actually 3 genders. Having used the male gender for 20 something years I have to say that comment wasn't really fair. Next time i'm gonna tell that son of a .. ;) At last now, I know who I am, and i'm going to show him.

Today me and my gf maintain a pretty good and stable relationship. This week im going to tell my siblings about Steina. It's a bit nerve wrecking but we both agree that it is time to go for the real life experience. My dad and mom will get letters (they're both deaf/almost deaf and for some funny reason I don't know sign language). How they will react I have no clue, but there's only one way to tell right? =)

I'm gonna throw in a photo of me, its been due for some time now.

Sorry about my english, its some weird combination of formality and grammar errors, i'm less weird in person ;)

For those interested, Steina is pronounced "Stay-na". The "a" sounds like the last "a" in banana.

[dreamer_2.0]

Cute photo. :)

[Persephone]

Hi Steina!

Welcome to the forum! Your story is not very different from many here.

And you look lovely!

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Fortuneta]

Welcome!!! And you look great!
Fortuneta

[paulaprimo]

hi steina, your pic is sooooo beautiful!! i wish you the very best :)

[Julie Gaum]

Welcome to a great resource to, hopefully, equip you for the reactions, good or bad, that will result from your letters.
I wish I had an option to offer in regard to the one therapist in your country but I guess that all you can do is carefully weigh their opinions as to how it may fit your inclinations. Some of the members here were also, during one period of their lives, hellbent on transitioning but then decided that both worlds were a better way to go. Then, of course, others realized that they HAD to transition in order to retain or acquire peace of mind. Only you can make that decision after evaluating the
affects to yourself, family and financial well-being. Tough call.
Spent a short time in your beautiful land in early 1940s going to and coming back from England. Still remember the very clean curtains hanging in homes, very lovely blond girls and very small horses.
Keep us informed and good luck
Julie

[Robin Lee]

Welcome Steina to our world,
You are so pretty, "you have nothing to fear, but fear it self"
Best Wishes,Robin

[bas1985]

Hello Steina,

even if I understand your resentment towards the psychiatrist, I invite you to imagine him like a sort of "testing camp" for your decision. If you will transition you may find people less "good" than him and starting to confront a person in a careful controlled environment (the medical study during the session), the "setting" as they say, will slowly build your confidence. In the starting of RLE even in an open country (I suppose Iceland is one of those) you will mis gendered maybe a lot, you may receive some curious looks, not counting the coming out to family.

So... a "controlled enemy" (let me call him in this way) can be like a sparring partner that can build your confidence. See it in this way... and, in any case, seems you have not so many choices...

good luck and keep us informed.

[simalina]

Thanks to everyone for their replies =)

That sounds about right still Julie ! I feel that I've already made my choice and all I can do is hope it will deliver more good than bad in my life.

Bas you have a very valid point. I still have a lot of confidence to build even though I seem to have found the courage to tell. It's true that most Icelanders are tolerant, in fact just over the last 20 years I believe we've had a breakthrough in how we see and treat lbgt persons. The bad thing is that the occasional bad apples here get a lot of media coverage.

Unintentionally I may have undermined the "treatment" possibilities in my country, you should know that at some point this "one and only" doctor will refer me to a team at the university hospital. This team has occupational therapist, psychologist, speech therapist and an endocronist that have experience helping transgendered people =)

[kimdl93]

lovely picture, Steina, and your english is better than most of us native speakers. It seems you've found a path and someone to accompany you on that path. who knows where it may lead. Enjoy the journey.

[Barbara Ella]

Steina, thanks so much for sharing your story. As others have said, I must reiterate that your thoughts/feelings are just typical insecurities that everyone goes through as you begin making decisions that will significantly alter your life. It is good that you have these thoughts, as it indicates your mind is working and examining all possibilities. If you should ever get the feeling that you have no worries or problems with your life, stop and look around and think about it. Just don't let these negative thoughts get you down. Recognize them, yes, dwell on them, NO, NO, NO. Keep moving dear. Just view everyone's questioning as providing a building block with each question you confront and answer. you are building your new life, whichever way it goes.

Barbara

[mikiSJ]

Stay-na!

You look like a very cute 24 yo college girl - good for you.

Iceland is a Nordic country but does it have the social progressiveness of say Sweden or Denmark? You mentioned there is only one psychiatrist who had gender experience. I am surprise you found at least one, as the population of Iceland is less than 350,000. How are TG/TS folk accepted in Iceland.

I ask the first question because a very good friend of mine left Iceland in his late teens (50+ years ago), and I would not characterize him as "accepting" of anything not "normal".

[simalina]

I would say yes to your question Miki, absolutely. The progress here has been fenomenal over the last few years. It has everything to do with transgendered people appearing in the media and telling their stories. Our biggest media here in Iceland even has a series of short video episodes online featuring "How it is go get out of the closet" and another series called Trans-Iceland. These episodes appeared on the front page of their website and are still available to watch. A well known reporter has documented a live transformation of a young m2f person here and I think by now everyone here has seen it (you might say she came out in public the same time the movie was released). Our capital mayor, Jón Gnarr, did a crossdressing act in our pride walk this year (and I think last year he supported Pussy Riot). Our former prime minister is an openly gay female, so yeah i'd have to say most people here are open minded. But there are loud voices here who sadly get the medias' attention. For instance a man that called the sex correction surgery "getting a jack-off-tube". Most of the resistance comes from older.. gents. And low self esteem teens.

Now my inlaws live in Denmark. He's icelandic and she's danish. Her brother is gay and that's all good and well. However they are ovbiously ashamed of this "fate" for their daugther, and the trans discussion is completely tabooed for them. They recently told us that gay people in Copenhagen are starting to be afraid of holding hands in the late evenings. Shows that this fight is an ongoing one. But I'm a happy soldier =)

[mikiSJ]

Good luck to you Steina and hang in there. I wish you all the best for your transition and in dealing with your family. It is hard to tell sometimes what is the harder part of wanting to be yourself.

But, you do look like a cute 24 yo college student!

[simalina]

thanks miki, I apreciate that alot :)