Book recommendations for wife

[alesha_cd]

I've been contemplating purchasing a book for myself and my wife. I would say she tolerates my CDing but I wouldn't say she is completely accepting. She lets me dress when I want and we've gone out shopping together with me dressed but that's about the extent of things. I think she's capable of accepting it more but I think she needs something to help her along the way. I don't see her joining the FAB forum or even coming on here to join discussions - that's just not her thing although I think it would be beneficial. She's just not much into social media or online forums. So with that said, I have heard about a couple of books but wanted to get opinions from others as to what book(s) they would recommend for my wife's "comfort level". I'm aware of "My Wife Betty" and "My Husband Wears My Clothes" but that's about it.

Thanks!
Alesha

[StephanieCD21]

"My Husband Wears My Clothes" is an excellent book. It is an excellent book for both of you to read. In fact, I found it more helpful than her other book "Crossdressing With Dignity". I highly recommend that one too. But, that one is geared more towards the crossdresser.
Good luck.

[StacyPump]

I did not find 'My Husband Wears My Clothes' to be particularly helpful in my cause. In fact, it freaked my wife out. It may have helped her in realizing that I am not the only man on the world who crossdresses. However, the concept of the crossdressed husband being an entirely separate person, a third person within the marriage, was just a bit much for her to handle. She found that a bit overwhelming, and a bit psycho-pathic. Also, she thought the author was overly accommodating, and subjugated her own needs and feelings too much. Not to mention the fact that the book is nearly 20 years old, and any science mentioned in there is a bit dated. I'm not saying she's right, or that this is the only interpretation. Just sharing my wife's reaction, with the OP. This book scared my wife.

I would encourage you to hear more opinions before you ask your wife to read it.

[StaceyJane]

I would say read the book first and make sure it matches how you feel. If you give her a book such as Alice in Genderland it would definitely freak her out.

[Amy R Lynn]

I would say read the book first and make sure it matches how you feel. If you give her a book such as Alice in Genderland it would definitely freak her out.
Couldn't agree more. Alice is a good book, but she is a wild woman. LOL My Husband Betty is a good one. It gives the insight from the wife's perspective. I went through Amazon and found a ton of books. I used my kindle app on my phone to read them. I agree that you probably ought to read it first before you give it to your wife. At least then you would know what to expect if she asks any questions.

[MatildaJ.]

I would say she tolerates my CDing but I wouldn't say she is completely accepting. She lets me dress when I want and we've gone out shopping together with me dressed but that's about the extent of things.

What would you want from her, ideally? It sounds like you already have more than what most crossdressers get from their wives. You want her to be enthusiastic about the CDing? There are no books that will persuade a tolerant wife to be enthusiastic.

That said, I really enjoyed Helen Boyd's other book, "She's Not the Man I Married: My Life with a Transgender Husband" -- but it did make me realize that no matter how much a guy says early on that of course this is only CDing... that's no guarantee that he/she won't tell you five years later that he was wrong or in denial and he/she does want to transition.

I also liked Julia Serano's "Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity." But it also debunked the idea that you can know for sure that your CDing husband won't want to transition. This is scary stuff for most wives. If yours is fine with the current situation, what exactly are you hoping to achieve?

[Sophie Yang]

Head Over Heels: Wives Who Stay with Cross-Dressers and Transsexuals (Human Sexuality) by Virginia Erhardt PHD. It's been awhile since I read this. It is a quick read. The title pretty much sums up what the book is about. There are 30 chapters, each one is a small case study of how different couples responded. At the end of each chapter, Virginia gives her analysis of the case study.

[Catie2013]

In my journey to discover what it was all about, I read the following books:

My Husband Betty: Love, Sex and Life with a Cross Dresser - Helen Boyd.
An Addicted Cross-Dresser, Married and a Happy Ending - A True Story - Barbara Deloto & Thomas Newgen.
My Husband Wears My Clothes - Peggy J. Rudd.
Transgendered Explained for those who are not - Joanne Herman
She's Not The Man I Married - my life with a transgendered husband - Helen Boyd

I found them all enlightening in one way or another. Hope this helps.

[alesha_cd]

Thank you everyone for the suggestions! I would definitely read any book first to make sure it mirrors my feelings before handing it over to my wife to read. Ideally, I would just like for my wife to have a little better understanding of what crossdressing is so she would feel more comfortable about having conversations about it with me. It's just difficult to bring it up in conversation and when it does happen, it's done by me. If I ask to dress, or go out, or even ask her to go out with me, she's more than willing to try to help make it happen (we have to plan things because we have kids and a busy schedule). I guess ideally I would like for her to suggest that we go out or to simply just seem like she has some interest in learning more about how I feel about it. I know some good talks would help and we've had some, but I thought maybe a book or two might help encourage her to open up a little more about it. We have a very good relationship and we discuss pretty much everything else -- it's just that the topic of CDing is somewhat awkward for us to talk about. I'm really kind of grasping at straws trying to think of ways to help us discuss it in more detail and help her understand what it's all about and how I feel. I'm not sure if maybe she simply doesn't want to discuss it. I guess that's a possibility too. Just feeling a little confused. Thanks again for your input!

[Cindy M]

My Wife read "My Husband Wears My Clothes" and found it helpful. It gave Her a better understanding of me. :) We've been married 32 years and I've been this way since my early teens... I started introducing Her to things almost from the beginning of "us".

Cindy

[MatildaJ.]

Try to be happy with her acceptance without pushing her to have lots of conversations about CDing. Have you considered that your life might suddenly get much worse if she starts to think more about CDing and where it might lead? Let things move slowly, at a pace that feels comfortable to her. Let her know that there are many resources (books, websites, support groups) if she's interested, but let her figure out what she wants to know and when. Answer any questions as she raises them, but don't expect her to take the initiative in exploring your CDing interests.

And don't forget to continue other activities that you have always both enjoyed doing together! Don't let CDing become the main focus of your time together!

[Beverley Sims]

As Catie has read a few I would say hers is the best advice on reading material.

[alesha_cd]

JessM, thanks for your input! I guess I should have prefaced my post with the fact that we've been married over 17 years and she has known that long. She had seen me dressed a few times before we were married but I didn't tell her that it was more than a "Halloween thing" until about a month after we were married. I know, really bad timing on my part. :( We've had our ups and downs with it over the years (mainly in the early years of our marriage) but it has gotten much better. I would just like to talk more about it with her but not to the point of overwhelming her. She's made the comment several times that she just needs to learn more about it and realize I'm still the same person dressed or not but...she just doesn't seem to make any effort to learn more about it. We attended a couple of meetings about 10 years ago to the St. Louis LBGT group and I think that helped her somewhat. We both enjoyed ourselves but we're fairly private individuals and not much into the group thing. She also mentioned that finding another couple similar to us in age and my degree of CDing would probably help her. We met one such couple who was local about 10 years ago but sadly they ended up getting divorced and moving.

I never let CDing become the main focus of our time together. In fact, we barely spend any time together when I'm dressed and I've expressed to her that I would like to make it something she enjoys as well so we can do more things together while I'm dressed. She has gone out shopping with me dressed and we have been to a movie once. I love spending that kind of time with her and I wish we could do it more often. More often meaning when I dress. She also occasionally helps style my wig and makes clothing suggestions. I know this sounds like she already does a lot of things (and she does) and that I'm just whining because it's not enough, but what I'm trying to say is that it's very seldom that we talk about it or go out together with me dressed. It's difficult to explain without me sounding like I'm complaining or wanting much more from her. My wife and I know each other very well and I know our relationship very well. I guess I'm having a difficult time expressing it in words. I would just like to have more conversations with her about it and her become more comfortable with it to the point where she might initiate a conversation about it and/or want to go out. Again, not to overwhelm her with it. A decent book for her and another couple similar in age so she could bounce things off of another wife might help. I'm not sure she would join the FAB forum because she's not much for online chatting. Now I feel like I'm just rambling. ;)

[MatildaJ.]

I would like to make it something she enjoys as well so we can do more things together while I'm dressed...what I'm trying to say is that it's very seldom that we talk about it or go out together with me dressed.

If you want to go out with her more while dressed, that seems like a reasonable thing to discuss. What happens when you ask for it to be a more regular thing -- once a month out shopping or once a week out to a movie, or whatever would be an improvement on the current situation?

But it seems like you want her to initiate, and that part seems unreasonable to me. If it's not her thing, then it's not her thing and you can't "make" it something she enjoys, anymore than she could make you like something you don't like, such as quilting, hiking, kinky sex, scary movies, or some friend of hers with an annoying laugh...

[alesha_cd]

Jess, I've mentioned how I would like to go out more often with her and once a month would be a huge improvement. Shoot, I would be happy with once every 2-3 months. ;) I just want her to feel more at ease and have the experience be something she gets to enjoy as well. I think a big part of it is just planning it. Having two young kids and busy lifestyles makes it difficult to plan something like that.

Yeah, you're right about wanting her to initiate. I guess a part of me would just like to see her show some interest in it because it's difficult for me to initiate the conversations concerning it. I have other "guy" interests and she never initiates conversations about that stuff so why should this be any different for her?

Thanks.

[NZ_Dawn]

Hi Alesha,
I was in the same position as you and looked for books that may help my So at the start. I too was given MY husband Betty and My Husband Wears my Clothes, but I reiterate exactly what StaceyPump said.....it caused more confusion and issues than help! It was not the silver bullet answer, and it took a lot of discussion between us, that I/we were not in the same situation! Maybe read them BOTH yourself before considering them as a possible solution. The best solution in our case was finding another couple that was prepared to talk to my wife and myself about their situation and how that compared to us. My wife found great relief in knowing that we were not the only ones in this situation and that there was light at the end of it all.......it was not a closed closet! All the best. Dawn

[ReineD]

I just want her to feel more at ease and have the experience be something she gets to enjoy as well.

I think I know what you mean. You do not want to be an imposition to her and you just want to know that she's really OK with this. In other words, you would feel better if your wife wasn't putting on a grin and bear it face because you do love her and you want her to be at ease with the CDing (for her own peace of mind)?

I'm not sure that books will help. Your wife knows you intimately and there is no book that will mirror who you are. Chances are there would be a lot in the book that just does not apply to you. She wants to learn more about it, but really the best source of knowledge is YOU. :)



We attended a couple of meetings about 10 years ago to the St. Louis LBGT group and I think that helped her somewhat. We both enjoyed ourselves but we're fairly private individuals and not much into the group thing. She also mentioned that finding another couple similar to us in age and my degree of CDing would probably help her.

Well, this would be my SO and I. :)

My SO belongs to the St. Louis Gender Foundation group if this is the group that you refer to. We don't go all too often since it means an overnight for us, but we make it there a few times per year. Just let me know if you'd like to meet us there and we'll be sure to go. It's a good group. I've gotten to know the people over the years and you couldn't have a nicer bunch of folks. :)

I think the four of us are all about the same age.

[MatildaJ.]

Yeah, you're right about wanting her to initiate. I guess a part of me would just like to see her show some interest in it because it's difficult for me to initiate the conversations concerning it. I have other "guy" interests and she never initiates conversations about that stuff so why should this be any different for her?

I've been thinking about this all night, and I have a new perspective. There are things I like (kinky sex stuff) that I know my husband does mostly to make me happy; he doesn't mind it, but his main enjoyment comes from seeing me over-the-moon happy. So if he has done that for me one evening, then my brain starts thinking about how I can do something nice for him. And if he makes me so happy twice before I've had a chance to reciprocate, then my mind goes into overdrive, and I make sure to plan something really special for him.

I thought of this because the one time I suggested we go shopping together for his girl clothes was when my brain was working to find some way to reciprocate for his making me really happy. It worked :-)

So if you can think of something that she loves, and that she would like you to share with her or do for her, even though she knows you don't get as much out of it... and then you give that to her with love & generosity (that is, you don't keep track of how much you've given her and insist that she reciprocate)... then maybe she'll be like me and figure out that the best way to reciprocate is to support your dressing more enthusiastically, at least from time to time.

Good luck!

[ReineD]

JessM, in the post above mine you write: "I thought of this because the one time I suggested we go shopping together for his girl clothes was when my brain was working to find some way to reciprocate for his making me really happy. It worked :-)"

This is absolutely the best way to be, IMO and it is also what my SO and I did without really trying. My SO wanted me to be happy, and I wanted her to be happy, so we would each suggest doing things that we knew made the other happy. :)

But, we were brand new in our relationship, we had not been married for several decades ... although maybe this would not make a difference for some couples.

[kimdl93]

I agree - avoid Alice in Genderland. When I read that one, I thought, OMG, this would be every wife's worst nightmare!

[alesha_cd]

I apologize for not replying sooner. Things have been pretty hectic lately and I just haven't had the chance to reply. NZ_Dawn, your advice reflects exactly how I feel. I think meeting another couple in the same situation as we are would be the best thing for us, especially my wife. I think being about the same ages and meeting someone who's degree of CDing closely matches mine would be best. In other words, if we (guys) had a lot in common and our wives/SOs had a lot in common too.

Jess and Reine,
Thank you both so much for your input.


I think I know what you mean. You do not want to be an imposition to her and you just want to know that she's really OK with this. In other words, you would feel better if your wife wasn't putting on a grin and bear it face because you do love her and you want her to be at ease with the CDing (for her own peace of mind)?

I'm not sure that books will help. Your wife knows you intimately and there is no book that will mirror who you are. Chances are there would be a lot in the book that just does not apply to you. She wants to learn more about it, but really the best source of knowledge is YOU.
Reine - that's pretty much how I feel. I don't want to be an imposition to her in any way and yes, I just want to know (and feel in my heart) she's really OK with it. I want her to be at ease with it and I want to feel that she is at ease with it. I'm beginning to think a book may not be a good option at this time because I agree that a book would probably only cover some of my feelings.


My SO belongs to the St. Louis Gender Foundation group if this is the group that you refer to. We don't go all too often since it means an overnight for us, but we make it there a few times per year. Just let me know if you'd like to meet us there and we'll be sure to go. It's a good group. I've gotten to know the people over the years and you couldn't have a nicer bunch of folks.

I think the four of us are all about the same age.
Yes, that's the group I'm referring to. We went to a couple of back-to-back meetings probably 10 years ago. Were you guys attending then?

Jess, that's great advice and we already do those kinds of things to one another but I guess maybe I should look at things a little closer and find something she really likes and just surprise her. ;) We never do stuff to/for one another expecting something in return. I'm just not visualizing her taking that leap suggesting that we go shopping together for my girl stuff. I always thank her after I've been dressed and she always replies with, "you don't have to thank me", but I just feel the need to let her know how grateful I am. I guess my main concern is just wanting to know she is truly OK with it and having it be something we can talk about more freely. It truly is the ONLY thing we don't discuss openly or as often as we do other things. We communicate very well and pretty much talk about everything else. It's just that this topic is one we don't discuss much, it seems awkward at times, and I'm always the one to initiate any discussion about it.

Thanks again for your input ladies!

[ReineD]

Alesha, in the post above mine, you write: "Yes, that's the group I'm referring to. We went to a couple of back-to-back meetings probably 10 years ago. Were you guys attending then?"

My SO was attending then, but not me. We've only been together for about 6 years. Do PM me and let me know if you ever want to meet. They have monthly meetings, and my SO is usually freer during December. It's an overnight for us so it does require planning.

[MatildaJ.]

I'm just not visualizing her taking that leap suggesting that we go shopping together for my girl stuff.

Does she ever ask you if there's anything you'd like, for a birthday or Christmas present? If so, you might say lightly that "it would be great sometime if you could suggest going out with me dressed; I often worry that it's an imposition and so I don't like to push it on you."

When you are out together, with you dressed, does she seem to have fun? Laughing, smiling, etc? Or does it end with her teary and sullen? If the former, then she probably has fun, or at least doesn't mind it much, like doing any kind of household errand with you. If the latter, then she isn't really okay with it, and maybe the two of you could benefit from talking over your issues with a therapist who specializes in gender issues?

[alesha_cd]

Does she ever ask you if there's anything you'd like, for a birthday or Christmas present? If so, you might say lightly that "it would be great sometime if you could suggest going out with me dressed; I often worry that it's an imposition and so I don't like to push it on you."
That's a good idea. I might try that approach. Thank you.


When you are out together, with you dressed, does she seem to have fun? Laughing, smiling, etc? Or does it end with her teary and sullen?
I would say she's pretty indifferent simply because we don't do much of anything "fun" while we're out. We usually go our separate ways when shopping then meet up once we're ready to leave and go to another store. I think just finding more interesting and fun things to do together would help. We went to a movie once and that was fun but the movie was terrible. ;) She by no means is teary and sullen.

[MatildaJ.]

she's pretty indifferent simply because we don't do much of anything "fun" while we're out.... I think just finding more interesting and fun things to do together would help.

Yes, that sounds like you're on the right track. Think about what she enjoys, whether it's movies, or seeing a favorite band, or sitting at a cafe and talking about the people you see, or having a nice dinner out, and try to see if you can combine that with you dressing.

[alesha_cd]

That's exactly what I'm trying to do Jess. I want to do things I know she will enjoy while trying to merge my dressing with them. I need to overcome a few of my own fears first before some of those things can happen. ;) Thank you.