Gathering Together to Be Secretly Honest (or is it Honestly Secret?)

[Ashley_K]

Hi Everyone! Ok, I think it's time to get down to business. As many of you, I'm trying to figure out where I fit in the CD world, yet I've never hung out with another "out" CD. Yall are it, though I still don't really "know" you--it sort of feels like I'm speaking into a black hole, yet I get answers back (which I have to admit, it pretty cool)! Since I'm a people person, I'm tempted to be with other CD folks in person (like I'd want to spend time with anyone who shares my interests), but it seems like risk > reward right now. So this forum is where I'm Gathering Together with other CDs at this point.

Here's the crux of this post: Why is it that CD folks even want to gather together in person? It seems even easier to get caught when you're in a group. In some ways, I really want to participate. In other ways, I'm a bit reserved. I really like being myself (including my CD side), but I also like my privacy. My understanding (which may be completely wrong, which is why I'm asking) is that in CD circles, we refer to each other solely by our femme names (which I still haven't really decided on what mine should be), and out of respect for privacy, group members don't really engage in normal conversation, like, "What do you do for a living? How's your contribution to society going?". Is that true? If so, what do/should we talk about? I have a fear that I, and maybe others, might not be honest with each other, while ironically, at the same time, we're being honest about something the rest of our friends, family, and colleagues might not even be aware. How do we reconcile this? How do I also get comfortable being Secretly Honest in an online forum?

As you can tell, I'm a sucker for deep conversation :)

Ashley

[Lorileah]

Here's the crux of this post: Why is it that CD folks even want to gather together in person? It seems even easier to get caught when you're in a group. Well to quote National Geographic " THe herds gathers together at the local watering hole. They know they are safe as long as one of the members of the group is less adept at running in heels. The others keep a wary eye out and when an SO is sighted the scatter, leaving the newbie in 6" platforms behind. The end is quick, another CD will be posting tonight." At least that is what I saw the other night on Channel 305.

But welcome, Ashley. You are new to the game. The confusion you have is not unusual. All I can say is don't rush it. One of the things about this forum is that you will talk to people from your area and eventually you can go in person to somewhere they are going, and you will have built in protection from getting caught ;)

[AmyGaleRT]

My understanding (which may be completely wrong, which is why I'm asking) is that in CD circles, we refer to each other solely by our femme names (which I still haven't really decided on what mine should be), and out of respect for privacy, group members don't really engage in normal conversation, like, "What do you do for a living? How's your contribution to society going?". Is that true? If so, what do/should we talk about?

Ashley, what you're talking about sounds a lot like the monthly meetups I go to at the Gender Identity Center of Colorado. (My next one is on Friday!) Yes, we all use our femme names at the meetup; for the most part, we're all fully presenting as female. We talk about many different things; fashion, current news events, our personal experiences of dressing, coming out, and transitioning (where applicable), media portrayals of CDs, all kinds of things. Afterwards, a lot of us go out to a friendly venue like the Black Crown to continue the socialization.

When I go there, it helps me feel more "grounded" as my Amy-self. I really feel like just "one of the girls" while I'm there. I look forward to it every month!

I do think we're all being honest with each other about what we talk about at the meeting, otherwise there'd be no point to a "support" meeting, right? I know I speak honestly while I'm there, much as I do when I'm on this site. And when I give someone a hug there, I do it out of genuine caring and mutual affection...much, I imagine, like two GGs mean it when they hug one another.

If you can find a similar group in your area, Ashley, I recommend you give it a try!

- Amy

[PaulaQ]

I've been to a number of transgender gatherings at this point. I think you'd enjoy attending a group of other CDs, Ashley. For one thing - it's really easy to feel isolated, as if you are the only person in the world who CDs. If you go to a meet up, you'll be surrounded by people who you immediately understand in a way that I think you'll find that you aren't accustomed to.

As for being outed - I guess that's a possibility if you go into a public place, but many such meet ups happen someplace relatively private. In the groups, it's generally understood that not everyone's out. (The first rule of trans club is you don't talk about trans club.)

Some of them offer opportunities to dress away from home - for people who can't dress at home, or who prefer not to travel while cross dressed.

[Kate Simmons]

Historically, I've always been pretty much of a "lone wolf", as frankly, I work better alone because my mind goes a mile a minute and I have to sacrifice time for others to catch up with me. I have more or less had to learn patience. Not that I feel I'm better than anyone else, that's just how I operate more efficiently by myself. By getting in touch with my feelings, I've become more empathic, therefore more of a "people person",so I can relate to others who have similar experiences and problems. What I'm saying is that I don't necessarily need anyone else but associate with others because I want to. As CD "sisters" (or whatever) most of my friends and I can discuss anything and everything. From jobs and projects around the house to pantyhose and makeup and switch subjects with nary a blink. It's nice to be in a position like this as it makes me feel like more of a full spectrum person who is never limited in scope or purpose. That's how it is for myself Hon. Your results and mileage may vary.:battingeyelashes::)

[Traci-nc]

Well to quote National Geographic " THe herds gathers together at the local watering hole. They know they are safe as long as one of the members of the group is less adept at running in heels. The others keep a wary eye out and when an SO is sighted the scatter, leaving the newbie in 6" platforms behind. The end is quick, another CD will be posting tonight." At least that is what I saw the other night on Channel 305.

Did anyone else read that in the voice of David Attenborough. I did and I almost died laughing.

[audreyinalbany]

I"ve only been to a couple meetings over the years. Although I know that we all share similar struggles, I really am not that interested in a sequestered meeting of transgendered folks. I think I get enough conversation about the trials of being 'gender fluid" at this site. I've never been much for socialization in big groups. I get uncomfortable with more that three or four other people.
In a perfect world, I would like a small group of GG's to socialize with, to go to lunch or shopping or going to a museum or out for dinner and drinks and conversation.

[Frédérique]

Why is it that CD folks even want to gather together in person? It seems even easier to get caught when you're in a group. In some ways, I really want to participate. In other ways, I'm a bit reserved. I really like being myself (including my CD side), but I also like my privacy. My understanding (which may be completely wrong, which is why I'm asking) is that in CD circles, we refer to each other solely by our femme names (which I still haven't really decided on what mine should be), and out of respect for privacy, group members don't really engage in normal conversation, like, "What do you do for a living? How's your contribution to society going?". Is that true? If so, what do/should we talk about? I have a fear that I, and maybe others, might not be honest with each other, while ironically, at the same time, we're being honest about something the rest of our friends, family, and colleagues might not even be aware. How do we reconcile this? How do I also get comfortable being Secretly Honest in an online forum?

I once saw some photos of a gaggle of CD’s at a restaurant in the UK – that looked like a lot of fun to me, like something I would want to do, but it would be difficult where I happen to live. There just isn’t any established presence of crossdressers in these here parts, and I’m not inspired to create and/or maintain that presence. “Getting caught” is a good, but unfortunate, way to put it, since I really don’t wish to reveal myself to anyone. Like a .jpeg image, you’re in danger of losing a little something each time you make yourself known, i.e. open yourself up to the world. Like you, I enjoy (and maintain) my privacy at all costs...

If I did meet and converse with other crossdressers, I would avoid normal conversation and take advantage of the situation. Under those fictitious circumstances, I KNOW that any give-and-take would be cloaked in femme-speak, with plenty of smiles for emphasis. I’m a crossdresser, and you’re a crossdresser, so let’s compare notes and trip the light fantastic! Love your wig,darling...
:battingeyelashes:

I guarantee that if we met here in Lindsborg, I wouldn’t talk about how the crops are doing, nor would I mention the ubiquitous presence of the grain elevator, grinding away incessantly in the background. I also guarantee that you, the visitor, will look around your immediate vicinity, no doubt as the locals are staring at us, and say to me, in your best approximation of a female voice, “Freddy, I see what you mean...” Just then the conformist police will show up, fingers will be pointed in our direction, and we will be “bounced,” leaving our ostkaka in the lurch...

I think you’ll do OK being “secretly honest” here. I can tell...:)

[kimdl93]

I haven't socialized with CDrs in public or private. Just haven't traveled in the same circles, although I've been out to a number of local GLBT friendly clubs over the past couple of years. But I normally go out with my wife - and we're far from party animals. I do value the opportunity to exchange ideas, ruminate over common problems and occassionally offer incredibly profound, and life changing advice to others ;)

[reb.femme]

Here's the crux of this post: Why is it that CD folks even want to gather together in person? It seems even easier to get caught when you're in a group. In some ways, I really want to participate. In other ways, I'm a bit reserved. I really like being myself (including my CD side), but I also like my privacy. My understanding (which may be completely wrong, which is why I'm asking) is that in CD circles, we refer to each other solely by our femme names (which I still haven't really decided on what mine should be), and out of respect for privacy, group members don't really engage in normal conversation, like, "What do you do for a living? How's your contribution to society going?". Is that true? If so, what do/should we talk about? I have a fear that I, and maybe others, might not be honest with each other, while ironically, at the same time, we're being honest about something the rest of our friends, family, and colleagues might not even be aware. How do we reconcile this? How do I also get comfortable being Secretly Honest in an online forum?

Ashley

Hi Ashley,

I keep very little from my social group. I started my laptop to show a website I was setting up and lo and behold, I forgot it had my real name and company details on the start up screen. Not bad for someone that works in IT :doh:. The upside is that many have since divulged their own personal details to me. I like being up front with people I socialise with, otherwise what is the point?

I'm not out to my family though (other than my wife and her sister - plus whoever the SIL has told etc.). No understanding in the family group I'm afraid, as indicated in previous conversations about CDs.

A group setting is a good outlet but you don't have to let it rule your life either once you are a part of it. I don't attend all meetings, plus I too like a private life. Just as happy dressing alone at times :daydreaming:.

Finally, Ashley is a nice name - Why change your horse once the race has started? I could change my name to so many others, but I'm resolved to staying with my first choice :).

Rebecca

[Jorja]

Did anyone else read that in the voice of David Attenborough. I did and I almost died laughing.

Yes I did and I could see them all at the watering hole scattering as the SO approached. ;)

[kimdl93]

The voice of David Attenborough... I love it! Or, my one of my favorite, departed PBS voices, George Page, the former narrator for "Nature".

[Beverley Sims]

Socializing in a group helps give moral support to each other.
You are less likely to be harassed and there is safety in numbers.
Social interaction abounds and it helps with confidence.
An out going personality does help.
A lot here and I include myself somewhat, are reserved, not out and have wives who are not necessarily accepting.
I had more fun before I got married and I do look back on my experiences with great fondness.
When away my wife and I do share more freedom and a false sense of security helps.
I do not hang out with any groups these days because I am not a party animal.
Give me some encouragement and I will give you the whole routine.
It is the showgirl in me.

[oliviall]

I go to all of the Girls Night Out events I can get to locally and Las Vegas. I go because they are lots of fun.

[Ashley_K]

Again, thanks for all of your insight. Audrey, I tend to feel like you, that I'd like to be with one or two GGs, because in my perfect little world, they'll COMPLETELY understand. Well, I know for a fact that my GG wife doesn't COMPLETELY understand just by the virtue of being a GG. I also would love to come out to my gay friends because in my perfect little world, they'll COMPLETELY understand, too! But, one of my gay friends has mentioned that he doesn't understand how CDs aren't necessarily gay, and how straight ones baffle him. I've just smiled and defended CDs without saying I am one. So LGBTQ folks don't completely understand just by the very nature they're LGBTQ. So I guess CD folks are the ones who will more fully understand! Though THAT'S not even perfect! I did join the local meetup group (online at least), but I think I'd have to start off one-on-one. I don't understand how no one ever mentions that though you're meeting privately in a hospitality suite in a hotel, everyone who works there from the manager (who has a vested interest in keeping your secret with you) to the cleaning crew (who could care less about keeping your secret) knows. One day maybe I'll give it a shot :)

Freddy, I really liked how you painted that picture of your town in Kansas. I can see that scenario unfolding :) I hope you're able to keep your wits out there!

[docrobbysherry]

Think of it this way, Ashley. U get all dressed up in some fancy costume for Halloween.

Now, u can stay home, drink toddies, and look at yourself in the mirror. OR, u can go out with similarly costumed girls. Dance, drink, eat, and party!

U decide which works best for u?

[Ashley_K]

Well, when you put it THAT way, Sherry! :)

[Brooklyn]

Isn't it nice to speak with people who can actually understand and help you - even if you don't know their real name? Meeting in person with a supportive group is better than therapy for me.

[Ashley_K]

Ashley S: Yeah, it's nice to speak to people who understand and can help. I guess I don't know the names of people I bump into on the street who help me out, and I appreciate them! For some reason, since being a CD is so personal, it's nice sometimes to feel like you have an honest relationship with that person, and knowing their real name can be part of that.