I survived the first week at work!

[steph1964]

First I have to say to everyone who has transitioned at work, you have my highest admiration. You did before but I never truly imagined what it really took until this week.

Last Friday I got my hair done, no more wig! I decided that as soon as I had my last day as a male I was going to stop wearing a wig, no matter how it looked. I got it colored and had extensions put in the front. Because I am a police officer I had to have short hair as a male so growing it out before going full time wasn’t an option. But I have been pushing my hair back behind my ears for the last month and everyone pretended not to notice. My hair was too short for extensions to look realistic on the sides or back so for now I have to go with what I have.

I planned on getting together with friends Friday night to celebrate my first day full time and they overwhelmed me with their support. I was expecting about 5 people and about 25 showed up. The majority I didn’t know before I started my transition and many have only ever seen me as a female. I have gone from having very few friends as a male to having some amazing friends as a female. Their support really kept me going the first week.

I didn’t sleep at all Sunday night and felt very nervous Monday morning. My wife, Angie (we are separated), stayed at my apartment Sunday night and helped me with my hair for my first day. Monday morning I went to the badging office on my way to work and got my new IDs with new name and a new picture. The lady who helped me was very nice and didn’t act like anything was different. Then an officer I have known for many years, who is now a supervisor there, walked out of his office and chatted with me about retirement like everything was normal.

I then drove to the Headquarters building where I am now working and parked in the parking garage. I sat in my car in the parking lot for a few minutes to get some confidence. I never have an issue in public but I was a nervous wreck going to work. In order to get to my new office I had to walk through the parking garage, past the district patrol building, and into the headquarters building. Then walk down a long hall to the elevators and go to the third floor. My office is near the elevators. I started the journey cringing at the thought of passing someone but knew it would be a matter of time before I did. But by some miracle I reached my office without passing anyone. In the area I am now assigned, there is another sergeant and two detectives so I knew that I would have to introduce myself to them when I arrived. I went through the door into the section but no one was there.

I went to my office and sat down, first being happy that I had somehow reached my office unscathed but then being disappointed that I still hadn’t got past my first encounter with an employee. My boss came in shortly after I arrived and told me that the other sergeant and detectives in my office didn’t work on Mondays so I now had to prepare all over again to meet them on Tuesday. I was then informed that I had been selected for a “random” drug test and had to go to a lab in another part of the city to pee in a cup. We often get random drug tests but the timing seemed a little unusual. I spent the morning hiding in my office and waited until lunch to get the test.

I walked to the parking garage, didn’t bump into anyone, and went to the lab. I showed my new ID and filled out the paperwork with my new name (they are forms just for the city) and then the nurse took me into the bathroom and gave me instructions. The toilet seat was up when we walked into the bathroom and she put it down! After the drug test, I met my friend for lunch. I returned to my office, still didn’t pass anyone (I was starting to think people were hiding from me) and spent the rest of the day hiding in my office. I did venture out one time to use the women’s restroom once I got to the point that I couldn’t hold it any longer. I had some friends drop by my office to welcome me and did see a couple of people but no one acted any differently than if I had been there as a male. I was able to make it back to my car at the end of the day with very few contacts.

Day 2 – Bad Hair Day!
Because I could not wash my hair after it was styled until Sunday night, and Angie had helped me on Monday, Tuesday morning was my first attempt at doing my hair. I never fully understood what a bad hair day does to someone’s confidence until I tried unsuccessfully to do what appeared so easy for Angie and my hairstylist. It took me 2 ½ hours to get ready and I was almost in tears before I was done. Then to make matters worse, the shoes that fit the day before in the shoe store came off my feet three times walking from my apartment to my car, and four more times on the way back to change shoes.

Once I got to work I introduced myself to the others in my section and went to my office. They took it in stride and didn’t act any different than if I presented as a male. Later that morning I was walking past the other sergeant’s office and he called out “Stephanie” because he wanted to discuss something with me. Just hearing him use my name felt good. The rest of the day was uneventful with me venturing out of my office as little as possible.

Wednesday started very good. I decided that I would just do my hair once and however it looked I would go with it, but it turned out OK. In the morning I had a meeting with the other sergeant and detectives to go over the units responsibilities. The sergeant did most of the talking, using my name throughout the conversation and always calling me she. The afternoon didn’t go as well. I can’t go into details but support for my transition that was supposed to be released by management didn’t happen. Apparently lawyers got involved and decided that it was best not to say anything. That gutted me more than anything and I went from feeling like I had support to feeling like I was all alone. I went home Wednesday night thinking that I may have to take a sick day on Thursday because I didn’t think I would have the mental strength for another day this week. I did have my first female encounter in the restroom but she just smiled and we said hi as I passed her.

I did go to work Thursday morning and everything went smoothly. Each day I am getting more confident. I started to venture out of my office more, sent some emails to set up meetings and received positive responses. I got into an elevator that a SWAT lieutenant was in and he just asked me how I liked my new assignment. I still need to address the issue from Wednesday afternoon but I can’t do that until Monday so I decided not to let it bother me.

As much as I mentally prepared myself for this week, and as hard as I knew it would be, I still did not imagine that it would be as difficult as it was. But if I am honest with myself, most of my fear was self-inflicted. No one I encountered treated me badly, in fact most were very nice. I would see a group of people down a hallway I was approaching or in the parking garage and thoughts would race through my mind of what they were thinking, and that they were probably talking about me. But in reality no one gave me any reason to feel that way. Why am I so comfortable in any other public place but found this so difficult? Whatever the reason, I made it through the first week and it got easier each day. I know that there will be setbacks but I am confident that it will continue to get easier as time passes. I am now an open transsexual police sergeant working in Arizona!

[Rogina B]

Very nice realistic post of you facing your fears and moving past them...Keep going and don't look back!

[Nicole Erin]

People worry about police encounters when they are out dressed (for the part timers and CD'ers) and here you are working with them as a TS.
Pretty soon, all worry will blow over. Then after that, you will start to wonder why you do this to yourself when you realize that extra push of the snooze button is taken because you need to make up, do hair, and find something to wear.

Yeah, soon everything will be normal and you won't even think about the fact that you are now working as a woman.

[Angela Campbell]

It is good to see an honest and reality based description of transition. Those of us who are right behind you need that reality. Thank you.

[Jenny Doolittle]

Surge On Steph, I am sure confidence grows with everyday, and what was once a bit of an oddity to your fellow officers will seem second nature in the near future. You are one of the bravest officers in the Department.

[kimdl93]

Congratulations on getting through that first week! You have quite a story, and each chapter is more interesting!

And I like the real hair....you look great!

[Nigella]

Congratulations on the changes that you have worked through, it's onwards and upwards :)

[LeaP]

What a wonderful, vivid description! I read it several times.

Congratulations on overcoming your fear. And congratulations for settling in so quickly – although I know it didn't feel that way.

And your avatar! Wow, just wow! You look great!

[arbon]

congratulations on getting through the first week! and thanks for sharing you experience with us here. Transitioning at work has got to be one of the hardest things to ever do, and where you work has to be lot more so..

You do look wonderful in your avatar. :)

[Ariamythe]

What a first week! And in a police station, and in Arizona no less. So happy things went as well as they did for you.

[AllieSF]

Thanks for your wonderful account of your first week. I think that coming out to strangers away from our home base is much easier than coming out to those that know us, or of us. I can easily talk to complete strangers, but I know I will dread that moment when I "need" to do that en femme to someone I only know in my natural male mode. It is just easier to shrug off a stranger's reaction than it is someone we know or work with. Please keep your experiences coming. They are helpful to everyone here.

[Badtranny]

but I know I will dread that moment when I "need" to do that en femme to someone I only know in my natural male mode. It is just easier to shrug off a stranger's reaction than it is someone we know or work with. Please keep your experiences coming. They are helpful to everyone here.

Um, is there something you're not talking about? You might as well spill it because I'll be seeing Angie tonight and she will tell me everything!

By the way, we're throwing a huge Halloween party at Chateu de Tranny that you will be expected to attend.

[MssHyde]

many many times I have thought about what you are going through, I mean what it would be like if I had the guts to do it.

its just so hard to walk away from the old me, to be me a new me. even though I feel like a woman in so many ways.

I wish you the best

hugs Cheyenne

[emma5410]

Thanks for posting that. It was very interesting to read. It reminded me of my first week at work although mine was at a software company. Easier to face then a police station! Having done it myself I can appreciate how much courage it took to get up each day and go into work. Something that used to be everyday and normal has suddenly become very stressful and difficult. The story of my transition.
I got to work very early on my first day. I sit in the middle of an open plan office. I had no intention of walking in the first day into a full office. The first person to arrive was a good friend of mine who started at the company the same day I did. He had never seen me as Emma. When he arrived he started telling me about his weekend as if nothing had changed. In the end I had to stop him and ask him if he did not find it weird to see me dressed as a woman. He looked slightly confused for a moment as if he did not understand the question, said no and then carried on talking. That set the pattern for the day. It was as if nothing had changed. I found it really bizarre. People acted as they always did to me. I guess the worst moment was when I finally had to go to the toilet. I had to walk across the office past everyone. The longest walk of my life.
It does get easier. It is a great pity that they did not support you the way they said they would. I had smaller example of that when they changed the wording on an agreed email to make it seem they were not as strong in their support of me. It made me feel a little bit more alone. They talk the talk but when it comes to the crunch the do not always walk the walk.

[Suzanne F]

I am so encouraged by your story. I thought I had displayed some courage this year but you floor me. Please know that there are ladies here that are pulling for you. Good luck!
Suzanne


Thanks for your wonderful account of your first week. I think that coming out to strangers away from our home base is much easier than coming out to those that know us, or of us. I can easily talk to complete strangers, but I know I will dread that moment when I "need" to do that en femme to someone I only know in my natural male mode. It is just easier to shrug off a stranger's reaction than it is someone we know or work with. Please keep your experiences coming. They are helpful to everyone here.

Allie
You will sail through anything that you decide to do. As you know I am having a hard time not letting everyone know. You have helped me so much to experience the real world! If you ever decide you need to disclose Allie to anyone they would be lucky to have her in their life!
Suzanne

[Leah Lynn]

Stephanie, you are an inspiration! Congratulations, Girl. Truly hope the legal issue is ironed out quickly. Lawyers can screw up anything.

Hugs,

Leah

[Jamie Christopher]

Wow Steph what a read, and my best to you moving forward, I'm sure you'll do great!

Jamie

[Jorja]

Congratulations on getting through the first week! It will get easier and by the 4th week you will wonder what all the fuss was about.

[Kimberly Kael]

Thanks for letting us know how your week went. It sounds like you're doing fine in dealing with inevitable nerves, reaching out to people to avoid isolation, and standing up for yourself when needed. It certainly sounds like you were ready.


Congratulations on getting through the first week! It will get easier and by the 4th week you will wonder what all the fuss was about.

Mostly this. Of course there will be the occasional new experience that triggers some anxiety again, but it does get much easier with a little time.

[DeidraDee63]

Congratulations, well done; thank you for sharing and being a great inspiration to others. The first steps are always the toughest, success in moving forward.

[Paulette]

Sweetie you are in a very T laden ultra conservative industry and as such you are doing fantastic. One of the good things is that your co- workers are rule followers and you should have minimum problems with harassment. You are I am sure in everyone's prayers as you move forward on your journey. I would not be concerned about your brass backing off their original statement driven by the attorneys. Some attorneys are so risk adverse that they just freeze in place rather than doing anything that might in a 1,000 years end up in court.

[Janice Ashton]

Stephanie,
You are very brave, thanks for the outline of what we who haven't taken that step yet, may expect, when and if we ever do?
Best wishes and good luck for the future

[StephanieC]

Hi Stephanie,
Congratulations on your first week. I have enjoyed your stories and I'm happy to hear things are going so well. And it can only get better.

It's good to hear examples of what can be. Thank you.

-stephani

[vallerie lacy]

it boggles my mind to think of what you are going through. hope things get better by the hour. keep your head up and your chest out. not too far out

[Barbara Ella]

Thanks ever so much for sharing this wonderful week of your life. I have followed your progress with great interest and awe. You are truly inspirational.

Was having a bad few days, beating myself up about not doing some things because of my insecurities. After reading and going back over your progress, i know I can get past my petty behavior and do things I want/need to do.

Thank you so very much for your inspiration

Barbara

[steph1964]

[-][/-]
What a wonderful, vivid description! I read it several times.

Congratulations on overcoming your fear. And congratulations for settling in so quickly – although I know it didn't feel that way.

And your avatar! Wow, just wow! You look great!

Thank you Lea, I wouldn't say that I settled in quickly. I kind of went from sheer panic to very uncomfortable as the week went on. But it did get easier and I hope that will continue.




I got to work very early on my first day. I sit in the middle of an open plan office. I had no intention of walking in the first day into a full office. The first person to arrive was a good friend of mine who started at the company the same day I did. He had never seen me as Emma. When he arrived he started telling me about his weekend as if nothing had changed. In the end I had to stop him and ask him if he did not find it weird to see me dressed as a woman. He looked slightly confused for a moment as if he did not understand the question, said no and then carried on talking. That set the pattern for the day. It was as if nothing had changed. I found it really bizarre. People acted as they always did to me.

I have found the same. People will talk to me as though I was sitting there dressed as a male. They don't act any differently or comment on how I now look. It is very strange and I feel like asking them what they think but I wouldn't. I know that they are just trying to treat me how they normally would and this is perfect, but it is surreal.

Thank you everyone for all the supportive comments. I wanted to respond earlier but I had a hectic weekend. I was more nervous today than on Thursday, probably because I had a three day weekend to allow the stress to build again. But it was a lot easier than last Monday and I expect that I will keep having ups and downs until some normalcy sets in. I still haven't ventured out of my office too much, other than to use the restroom and go to and from my car. I have two meetings at other locations in the police department this week so that will force me to expose myself. One of the meetings is with a group of employees from various city departments so it is likely that they wont know about me. The other meeting happens to be at the SWAT station so that should be interesting. I still have to pump myself up just to leave my office to use the restroom but it is getting easier.

Now that I am not wearing my wig I have been read in public several times. That rarely happened when I wore my wig so it hurt my confidence. It happened several times on Saturday so by that night I was quite emotional. Not sleeping all week due to stress didn't help. But I was better again by Sunday and I am still happy that I stopped wearing the wig.

I know that some of this may seem like I am complaining but I am not. I am very happy that I made this decision and I don't have any regrets. I am just trying to paint a realistic picture of what this has been like.

[Angela Campbell]

a realistic picture is just what some of us need. Sooner or later it gets real. Thank you.

[Rachel Smith]

Thanks for sharing this Steph as I am about to talk to my supervisor tomorrow about this very thing. I think your post will help me when everyone at work gets to meet Rachel what I will rememer most is like usual it's not as bad as we fear it will be.

Rachel

[Badtranny]

Now that I am not wearing my wig I have been read in public several times. That rarely happened when I wore my wig so it hurt my confidence. It happened several times on Saturday so by that night I was quite emotional. Not sleeping all week due to stress didn't help. But I was better again by Sunday and I am still happy that I stopped wearing the wig.

I think that if I could do it over again, I would have continued wearing my clip-on bangs for another year. My hair is only recently looking right in front and it was a HUGE reason why I was getting read left and right.

We overlook the significance of a "little thinning" in front and it is a critical oversight in regard to passing. My advice to those with hair trouble is don't give up the wig too soon. Wear a hairpiece or something, give yourself a fighting chance at least.

[Angela Campbell]

I wish I knew more about things like clip on bangs or weaves. My hair is very thin but getting better, and I can see it is the biggest giveaway, but wearing a wig feels so fake and I am just tired of being fake whether dressed as a woman or a man and I am having trouble being fake at all anymore. I can understand wanting to go with your own hair.

[FurPus63]

Stephanie,
Congrats! Go Girl! I know exactly how you feel as I went through it in May 2012. I had it a little easier though, as I am a mental health therapist and was working at a mental health agency. I'll never forget my first day. I ditched the wig too. Had short hair too. I had my roommate help me. It's so cool your wife (seperated) helped you. That's awesome! Mine hated me at the time, but now that we are divorced, we're actually very good friends and she helps me sometimes with hair, make-up tips, clothes, etc....it's a cool feeling. Anyway; getting back to work. Like you, I stayed in my office a lot too. I transitioned at a time when my name wasn't legally changed yet, so that caused some problems and embarrassment; but I got through it. Again, congrats. Stay calm. It all will be like nothing ever happened before you know it!

Paulette

[Badtranny]

but wearing a wig feels so fake and I am just tired of being fake whether dressed as a woman or a man and I am having trouble being fake at all anymore..

I spoke these very words.

I would still do it differently. My hair was fine as a dude, but my dude hairline was the number one thing that made passing impossible. Those days are behind me now, but it was a hell of a first year.

[Chickhe]

I don't get the no wig/confidence thing.... I think I understand that you feel like yourself and you are who you are passing or not... and as a full time TS person you accept that. But, then you say you need confidence and yet you choose to wear no wig. Maybe you are saying you need confidence living as an obvious TS? ...anyway, as a CDer, my goal is to pass as best as possible so for me, I would keep the wig. For yourself, if it helps your image to look more professional and gives you confidence in front of people you don't know, maybe keep it? ...but, if you looking for confidence at just being you as your natural self even though you your are not perfect, then I get it.

[steph1964]

I don't get the no wig/confidence thing.... I think I understand that you feel like yourself and you are who you are passing or not... and as a full time TS person you accept that. But, then you say you need confidence and yet you choose to wear no wig. Maybe you are saying you need confidence living as an obvious TS? ...anyway, as a CDer, my goal is to pass as best as possible so for me, I would keep the wig. For yourself, if it helps your image to look more professional and gives you confidence in front of people you don't know, maybe keep it? ...but, if you looking for confidence at just being you as your natural self even though you your are not perfect, then I get it.

I stopped wearing the wig because it didn't seem practical. It is uncomfortable wearing it for that long every day, I work a 10 hour shift plus commute, and then there is the after work activities like going to the grocery store etc. The wig is hot (especially in Arizona), I can't run in it or do anything physical without having to wash it constantly because I sweat so much in it. It is an expensive wig and for a crossdresser it is perfect, but it is no substitute for real hair. I did get hair extensions for the front of my hair to help a little with my giant forehead.

As far as confidence goes, yes I am ts and know that I will be noticeable to some but my goal is also to pass as best as possible. More so than a crossdresser because I no longer get to become male when it is convenient so I am out on display everywhere I go. It is a trade off and one I am happy to make, but being ts doesn't automatically desensitize us to what is happening around us. I will take the stares in order to get to live as I need to live but it doesn't mean that it is easy.

[Jorja]

While it is a little disturbing to you now for people to stare, there will come a day where everything will flip over. They will then stare because they love what they are seeing. Then, as you notice their stares, you will take pride in being you and as you are giving them that departing view you will shake it just a little harder than you need too.;)

[Jonianne]

Congratulation Steph! Thank you for sharing your first few days journey. You must have been well prepared, especially in your work situation, even though I can't imagine how scary it must have been for you. I am 3 and a half months into fulltime now, but I have been able to openly prepare for the past year, ie let my hair grow long and styled female.

I work in a civilian workplace, but we do maintenance for police, fire and 911 communication centers, so I do work around officers all the time and I don't know how I would do it as an officer myself. Although a coworker of mine used to work for the state police and he says he knows a couple state police officers who have transitioned. That is amazing!

So, congratulations again, Steph, and a year from now, I believe we will say that this was such a wonderful time in our lives as we look back.

[Lynnmorgan451]

Awesome story !!!! :-)))

[MysticLady]

I would have continued wearing my clip-on bangs for another year.

Thanks for the idea Melissa. I didn't even know they existed.:). I'm learning though:D


I did get hair extensions for the front of my hair to help a little with my giant forehead.


Hi Steph. I'm very happy for you and also for sharing your story. I appreciate your Humor and I wish the best in your venture, Sweetie. :)

[Kathryn Martin]

I started getting my hair cut towards a proper hairstyle about 6 months before going full time. By the time I transitioned my hair was very feminine. Bangs is what helps although I have bias cut on the front with my right side much longer than my left. Even though I do not have a much receding hairline my forehead was always very high. Steph, I think you look just beautiful. As Jorja says there will come a day when people look at you because you are attractive and not because they suspect something. When that day comes embrace your own fabulousness.

[Nicole Erin]

Sooner or later you quit worrying about if people stare or whatever. Who knows if the frequency decreases but you definitely stop noticing it as much unless they are super obvious about being asses.

With hair piece/wig/whatever seeming fake. So what? You know how many beauty enhancers women use that are fake? Makeup is fake, padded bras, hip pads, nail polish etc...
I know a lot of black women who use extentions/wigs/whatever. And they have no shame about it. Only reason I even know is cause they sometimes mention it in casual conversation. I mean a polite person is not gonna be like, "Is that a wig?"
Just think of hair pieces as a way to add more options to your style. Ain't no one gonna care if it isn't "real".
Just go with something that fits you well. Don;t be like some CD's who are aging and wear a wig befitting of a 19 year old.

[Amandartv]

go get it girl congrats were all proud of u

[Georgie]

Your thoughts and emotions are exactly what I'm fearing about coming out in work. Really enjoyed reading and it answered a lot of fears I have. Hope it continues going as good for you as it did the first week :)

*Hugs and congrats*

x

[traci_k]

Stephanie,

Thank you for sharing your week. Your are an inspiration to many of us.

Glad to hear most things went well and I hope they only get better and better for you.

Hugs,

[Leigh Wyndham]

Oh My,, Stephanie,,

This brings back so many memories. A lot of the stress is self inflicted. My transition was fraught with worry and misgivings. One day I just decided "Oh Screw It" I just may as well as get it over. I stopped the wigs. I stopped feeling like it was my responsibility to "come out to everyone" or write coming out letters. I was never too fond of those things anyway. They seemed too much like exhibition.

In reality,, people who know and love you will eventually come around. If you do a good job at work, People will generally accept you. There are always gonna be the "soap box type" who wanna let you know how you are gonna burn in hell, but,, Hey,, you will never be able to change the minds of those people, anyway.

Good on you!

[MysticLady]

Hi Steph, just checking in on how are things going. I hope everything has settled down, including your nerves. I'm sure you got it all squared away.

[CindyKate]

Congratulations! you have our highest admiration as well!

[DaniellaNYC]

Great story full of courage. Im so happy and proud of you!

[steph1964]

I just wanted to do a quick reply since it has been a while. Sorry, I have been busy but I did read the great replies from everyone. I am now in my sixth week and it is getting easier. I am not fully comfortable but I am lightyears ahead of how I was the first week. Thank you everyone for the support!

[Megan72]

Steph, I know I am late to this celebration but congratulations! I spent 8 years as a cop in Southern NM. I can sympathize with you about the fear you felt. Good job for taking the bull by the horns ans making it happen! Up until I was one, I always thought cops were bigoted jerks, but I realized after the academy that really they aren't. N reality they are some of the most open minded people. Probably because we have seen and dealt with so much. Anyways good job!
Megan

[S. Lisa Smith]

You are amazing!!!! I wish you the best and I ope things continue to get better!!!

[dreamer_2.0]

Very inspirational! :D