Out To Just About Everyone

[Aly Cat]

Well I guess it was a long time coming but I am just about out to everyone now including my parents.
This morning my wife and I got in a serious talk about our marriage. It ended with my wife being very upset and remaining upset even after dropping me off at work. Well, she and my mom were going on a trip to Alabama today for the weekend with my kids and she must have told my mother about me.
My dad invited me over for dinner and all was fine and good. Then while we are watching tv, my mother calls and my dad goes upstairs to talk on the phone. When he comes back down, he still seemed normal....until the tv show was over. Then he started asking me how my wife and I were doing. He started talking about his own personal struggles in life that he has had to overcome and it clicked that my wife must have spilled the beans to my mom. I was very quiet while my dad went on and on with his fatherly advice. I hate conversations like this because my feelings always get jumbled up and lost in translation. When I got home, I text my sister who has known since the first of this year. She basically told me that it was time to tell my parents. Clearly they had some of the information but not my side of it. So I gathered up my words and put them on paper. I started from the beginning and covered my whole life. Its a very long letter but it covers everything. I sent it to my dads email a few minutes ago. I don't know how my parents will respond to it but it is what it is. Let the chips fall where they may. My parents are very caring people but also very deeply religious. I cant see this ruining our relationship in general but if they start saying im living in sin and try to change me, im going to have problems. At this point, what do I have to lose? My marriage is just about over and if my parents refuse me, ill just have to go elsewhere. I have a stable job and am an adult so I am free tolive my life. Hopefully they will find it in their hearts to accept their son for the girly guy he is and not try to change me. At this point, I think im so over stressing about who knows that I dont even care anymore. Come what may.

Ill keep you all posted on what my parents have to say later on.

[PaulaQ]

In all probability, this will be easier for your parents to adapt to than your wife. I wish you the best, and I'm sorry your wife outed you. I know what that's like from firsthand experience, and it is about the shittiest thing she could've done.

Definitely keep us posted - I'll pray for you. It's great that your sister is on your side - enlist her help with your folks if you need it.

[Marcelle]

Hi Eva,

Thank you for sharing your story. Hopefully you and your wife will be able to talk through this. You will find lots of support here so don't be afraid to ask.

Hugs

Isha

[Beverley Sims]

Don't overstress or even take the don't care attitude.
You will have to talk about it to someone so have you considered a therapist or your local MD.
This would give some outside opinion.
I would also try to keep talking to your wife and work through it.

[Genny B]

I don't know how to say this with no chance of offending anyone as that is not my goal. Parents deserve our respect no matter if we agree with them or not. I think you need to stop and see your parents ASAP. I don't think this kind of thing should just be passed in a note, unless you are there when they read it. You need to make yourself available to hear their words and make them say them to your face, not in a return note. There is love there and part of that love is being there when you talk about something like our issues. Again, I hope I didn't offend and I hope even more that you agree with me. Best of luck!
Genny B

[AprilCross]

Well Eva what I think you did is right, and I understand it being in an email as the words wouldnt come out the right way in person. I did the same thing as well. I hope things do get better. On the subject of your wife if you do truely love her then try to make it work but if not don't lead her on anymore. Looks like a new chapter is starting in your life just make it the best you can

[Tami Joy]

If your parents love you then they will accept you and if your wife loves you then she will need to also accept you.Best of luck.

[Aly Cat]

Okay, so here is an update. I talked to my dad this morning and he said that he was not going to try to change me, nor did he think he could anyways. He said that he still loves me and does not think that cross dressing is a sin but basically said that if it is tearing apart my marriage then that is not of God.he believes that God created me the way I was supposed to be. He does not thInk that I was born a boy by accident. But he believes that as long as my relationship with God is in the right place, what I wear on the outside is not important. That is much more accepting than I had expected. He is still majorly pushing me to maintain a relationship with my wife, and work it out. He asked if I was open to seeing a counselor that he knows, and though she is a Christian she does not pass any kind of judgement but simply works on the relationship aspect with God. She has worked with crossdressers as well as gay couples and none of them felt forced to stop being who they are. I think that is pretty promising though I have my doubts. I will at least give it a try since I have already invested 10 years of my life to this marriage. I can't make any promises that it will work out, but I'm not willing to close that door just yet. My dad said that it is harder for him to see my marriage fail then it is to know that I crossdress.I appreciate his concern and am willing to listen to his wisdom, but at the end of the day, I will always be true to myself. If I lose myself, I lose everything.

[Marcelle]

Hi Eva-Lynn,

I am so happy to hear that your dad was so accepting and is prepared to help you through this. I don't see the harm in trying to see if your marriage can be salvaged but you will have to gauge that with your wife. A marriage counsellor/therapist might be a good start to determine if there is a relationship to salvage.

I love your comment "but at the end of the day, I will always be true to myself. If I lose myself, I lose everything".

Some people may tell you to do everything to apologize, humble yourself and gain acceptance from your wife. I agree with that in theory if your wife is truly accepting of you. Once that acceptance is there, then the true communication can occur. However, this should not become a one sided power play on the part of anyone (you or your wife) "my rules only". Please see this as my opinion on the matter, not advice on what to do. Everyone needs to find his/her own way WRT to SO relationships.

People will do what they can to protect that which they hold dear. If you can live with a DADT relationship or having to go back to hiding from your wife, then it is right for you (nobody has the right to tell you differently). However, if you feel one sided rules/boundaries (you have no say) is going to cause you emotional harm, then you may decide to end the relationship so you don't loose yourself (once again nobody has the right to tell you that is wrong). In the end we all need to make informed decisions which serve us best and as you said . . . "we all need to be true to ourselves".

Good luck sweetie and think about this . . . you now have the support and love of your dad.

Hugs

Isha

[Aly Cat]

So just an update on things. I hadn't really talked to my mom since my wife told her and today she texted me out of the blue with this message:

hey Adam.out of fear of saying something wrong Ive said nothing at all...I'm sorry for that.so here's the truth of my heart.I love you, I love you, I love you, nothing can ever change that, neither heaven nor hell can diminish it at all, nothing in your past nothing in your present, nothing in your future..nothing you could ever do could make me love you less or make me love you more. I don't love you because you earned it, I just love you because I love you. And I just needed to tell you that today honey.

She followed up by saying that she didn't really want to see me in anything but male clothes because that is where she is at right now. I can respect that. I did let her know that i know things are hard for both my parents and I will respect their wishes but at some point down the road, I will need to be free to be me. She didn't respond after that so I will just give my parents time. I know it's a big adjustment for both of them and though my dad seemed to be supportive, it turns out he is struggling the most with this. I wish it wasn't so hard for them but then again... it took me a long time to come to grips with everything myself.