Dadt

[sabrinaedwards]

So many of you here seem to have spouses that support crossdressing. My wife and I have a very good relationship except for CDing; we have a DADT agreement. She is travelling this weekend so I have an opportunity to really express my feminine side this weekend. I think that there are more that have this type of relationship than the totally accepting type. Comments?

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Hi Sabrina

My wife and I are between DADT and totally accepting. It's still early but I think I reassured her by stopping for almost 6 months during summer, letting my leg hair grow to do normal family activities with shorts without questions. I've told her I will shave my legs in fall, and in fact have done so this week while out of town. I also will surprise her with some new heels, several skirts and a pair of boots (I have the same in my size) like I did earlier this year. I told her honestly then that I felt guilty buying pretty things for myself without getting things for her. It worked six months ago, and we had a blast with our "fashion shows", so I am going to test the waters that way again.

I think (hope) that the six months of throttling back--basically stopping entirely, because I didn't want to see my hairy legs in hose--will be key to reach the next level of her acceptance. I think she will have confidence that I am not on some inevitable, progressive trajectory to becoming a woman.

If you are patient, over-communicate, and try to get her to see some positive elements (in my case, explosive libido given the erotic element which meant lots of sex for her, plus a great increase in her wardrobe...not to mention me being in a good mood all the time) you can move beyond DADT.

If you don't try, it will be lonely. This is a big part of you. It's more fun to share.

Shibumi

[Dani0948]

Some us would be happy with dadt. I hope to reveal in the near future. If I thought I could get acceptence, it would already be done.

[Dannigurlfriend]

Dadt is better than losing someone.

Hope she comes around to accepting hun.

[Rachael Leigh]

Mine has been an up an down roller coaster, she knew just before we got married but even at that time I didn't know how deep it would go I figured when we got married I wouldn't want to dress as much, Wrong. So for a while she was ok with it but mostly DADT, then she surprised me and wanted to get away and it was going to involve me dressing. I was in heaven, to make a long story short I took advantag of that moment and pushed to hard, we almost divorced more than once and the big purge came. Now I don't really dress much and don't have near the wardrobe but its petty much back to DADT. So that's how it goes sometimes and Im ok with it. God has blessed us so much and I love my wife no matter. Yes would love for her to accept but just don't see it happening and that's ok. You girls who have those that do cherish them for sure because this is so hard for them in so many ways

[Beverley Sims]

Quite a few do practice DADT here.
A lot graduate to accepting after a time.

[Lynn Marie]

Although there are no facts or figures, my guess is that the majority here are totally in the closet and hiding from their SO's. The DADT bunch covers a fairly wide spectrum of livable but pretty unsatisfactory set of conditions, and the "accepting" group is smaller yet. I'd like to think that there is a small segment of us living with SO's that actually embrace our malady, but I'd bet a paycheck that the numbers in that group are exceedingly small. I'm in the small but growing number of CDs with no job, no wife, no local children, and no worries who are free to do as we please with killer wardrobes!

[Shari]

Much like Leer, when I first came out and once the initial shock wore off, my wife did accept me and we did many things together concerning my dressing.
However, I too pushed it over the line and it reverted to a DADT situation which still exists today. My dressing time is pretty much confined to the early morning hours before she gets out of bed. being an early riser works out for me.
Advice to anybody who reached a similar crossroad. Baby steps! Let it progress at her pace, not yours.

[kimdl93]

I would guess the percentages, if they were known, would support the notion that more couples live in DADT than in fully accepting situations.

[linda allen]

my guess is that the majority here are totally in the closet and hiding from their SO's. ...
I think you are probably correct in that guess.

I also think that there are widely varying degrees of "dressing". For most of my life all I did was stuff a bra and perhaps wear my wife's blouse from the laundry basket. That's crossdressing in most people's eyes, but it's a far cry from where I am now with my wife's acceptance. I still have a ways to go with her, but I'm taking my time.

Back on track, it's not too hard to hide the bra stuffing, but having a full wardrobe, good forms, padded panties, wig, jewelry, etc. would be very difficult to hide from anyone living with you, wife or otherwise.

I suspect DADT doesn't last for long in most relationships. If the partner knows about it, it's in the back of her mind most of the time and something she's not happy with. Once other situations arise, it's bound to also.

[Dianne S]

Although there are no facts or figures, my guess is that the majority here are totally in the closet and hiding from their SO's.

Really? Wow. That's so hard and so much work, not to mention totally deceptive. I wouldn't be able to do that.

[Sara Jessica]

Although there are no facts or figures, my guess is that the majority here are totally in the closet and hiding from their SO's.


I think you are probably correct in that guess.

I suspect there's some truth in this, particularly if one were to somehow count the lurkers who I think are more likely to be closeted. I couldn't fathom having to live under such circumstances.


The DADT bunch covers a fairly wide spectrum of livable but pretty unsatisfactory set of conditions...

Depends. The version of DADT that I live with has proven to be very decent, at least from my POV.


I suspect DADT doesn't last for long in most relationships. If the partner knows about it, it's in the back of her mind most of the time and something she's not happy with. Once other situations arise, it's bound to also.

But I can't speak for her POV. How much is this whole thing really in the back of her mind? Does simply seeing how I present in guy mode bring it to mind? Sometimes I think it does but on the other hand, I often think that's giving this situation way too much credit (the song "You're So Vain" comes to mind).

It is what it is. I don't put this in her face. We have open enough communication that she knows of my outings and runs interference with family/friends as needed. I've gotten ready at home at times, and returned home with her around. She'll see me but we typically don't "hang out" together when I'm presenting as female.

Once there was a time when I would dream of her "acceptance", her participation. Now, not so much. I actually have zero interest in her going out & about with me. If she came to me tomorrow and said "let's do it", I'd have some serious reservations, largely because I find myself getting very self-conscious in being read (which I expect to happen) in the presence of a natal female (my friend Diana comes to mind) and would not want my wife to witness the "a-ha" moments when that happens.

Bottom line, everyone who might define their situation as DADT will have their own unique perspective & parameters. It's not a path to doom, nor is it inherently unsatisfactory for either party. Every situation is different.

And bringing it full circle, I'm sure those in totally open & accepting relationships (or those who fly solo) couldn't fathom being in a DADT situation.

And BTW Lynne, I thought you were retired...you can't bet your paycheck!!! ;)

[Michelle55]

My ex-wife and I had a DADT and never talked about it. I know she found some bags of clothes early in our marriage, but never mentioned it. I didn't bring it up either and that was my mistake, but it was early 1980's and I didn't have the support of people like those on this site.

We divorced in 2005 and it really seemed to be 99% about HER mid-life crisis. It turned out to be the best thing she'd done for me in the previous 10 years.

A short time later I met a lady I knew in High School and hadn't seen in 32 years. We hit it off right away. I told her about Michelle about 2 weeks after we started dating. I was not going to hide Michelle and have another DADT life.

She not only accepted it, but enjoys it. Most of the time I'm in drab, but I can be pretty about any time I want.

See... dreams can come true.

[Jenniferathome]

I understand how one gets to this place, but here's the conundrum: how do you know that you are in a DADT and not in a relationship where your SO thinks you have "quit"? If you can't talk about it, how do you know what she is thinking?

[Maryesther M.]

With my goodly spouse of nigh-on 45 years DADT is how it is and shall be for the foreseeable.

Like Sabrina E my missus has planned a sortie this coming weekend into outer Englandshire, Londonistan and lower Scotlandshire so ME will have an opportunity at some stage to throw a few femme rags on & get the camera out.....

M

[vallerie lacy]

Sabrina
I often wonder why I have been so very fortunate to have a wife who not only accepts my dressing, but who encourages me and buys me clothing.

[ReineD]

Really? Wow. That's so hard and so much work, not to mention totally deceptive.

There are two different types of DADT. The good type is when the wife knows, there is a dedicated space in the house for the stuff, they've both negotiated times when he can dress, or go out to a gender support group or elsewhere, but the wife chooses to not go into the closet where all the stuff is kept and she chooses to not participate. She may even occupy herself elsewhere during the times when her husband is getting ready.

The bad type is nearly impossible to keep up. This is when the wife doesn't want to even KNOW when her husband is dressing, which forces him to hide his clothes and wait for any opportunity to dress, not knowing when she'll come home. This type of DADT would be unbearable for me both as a SO but also if I were a CDer.

[Stevie]

She can't stand it. We have an agreement in place as long as she doesn't see it.

[Dianne S]

There are two different types of DADT.

Indeed. My reply about deception was to the bad kind: "...hiding from their SO's."

[Tina_gm]

my situation is just the last part. Don't show. We do talk about it sometimes. We talk about how we feel about it. What it means to me. How she is feeling about it at any given time (it goes up and down) She has come quite a ways with this. We are basically to the point where showing and shopping are really the only things she is not ready for. She has not promised me there will ever be a time where she is ready for it. I have promised never to push that on her. She does know that I would like for her to be able to at least be around me when I do dress. It may happen someday. She has said that she never thought she would be as accepting as she has come to be. I suspect that it will still be quite a while IF it ever does come to be. I am ok with this, as she does give me time to dress when there isn't a lot else going on.

[MissJoanne]

Although there are no facts or figures, my guess is that the majority here are totally in the closet and hiding from their SO's.

Put me on that list.

[EllenJo]

When I first met my current wife, she was fine with me underdressing and even encouraged it. We would wear matching panties on most days. When I brought up the subject of going further she said that she did not want to know or see me dressed beyond underdressing. So we became a DADT couple. I was traveling a lot for my job so it worked out fairly ok. I kept my things in the garage and packed it into the car when I left on business. I was gone 3 to 5 days a week so I had plenty of opportunity to dress in the evenings and plenty of time to shop all over the country.

Two years ago her health took a turn for the worse and I changed jobs to be at home with her and care for her. This past February she sat me down and told me that if I wanted to dress around her it was ok. It really caught me off guard at the time but she explained that she knew I wanted to dress but could no longer do it while traveling. Since I gave up my job to care for her it was only fair that I could dress at home. She even told me that she thought my taste was pretty good since she had found my stash and was aware of my membership here.

Now days I dress when ever I want to which is usually in skirts when ever I am home. She has noted that it does calm me down and she feels that I am a happier person. She is right, I am. I guess what I am getting at is that you never know what the future will hold. Each SO is an individual and will react differently. I never dreamed she would become accepting but here we are. After 18 years of DADT I now can be Ellen Jo anytime I want to. It could have just as easily gone a different direction. I guess it all depends on your personal situation. For me it worked out.
Ellen Jo

[NicoleScott]

On many DADT threads, people say DADT doesn't work for them, and then describe their unworkable, unbearable relationships. What they describe shouldn't be called DADT. DADT works for those who make it work.

[Brenda456]

If dadt is a 5, and fully accepting is a 10, my wife and I are at about 6.5

[Stephanie47]

EllenJo, what you have is a marriage in which you respected your wife's limitations or wishes. She respected your inclinations. Nothing more really needed to be said. You both understood. That is totally contrary to many marriages I read about on the site where the woman throws barbs at the husband or the husband forces his agenda on the wife AND he still calls it DADT-NOT!!!

In the end your wife realizes she has a gem. You made sacrifices others would not have made. She knows that. She also probably realizes your cross dressing in the scheme of things in no big deal. She is lucky to have you. And, you are lucky to have her.

DADT works fine for those you define it well and live by it.

My wife is not a cross dressing enthusiast, but, then she does not ever say anything negative either.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Agree with Nicole on this one, it can work just fine. It isn't as easy as open acceptance, but if you can respect the fact that your wife is putting up with this part of you even though she doesn't like it, you should be able to respect her thoughts and dress only when it is at least tacitly acceptable. You really don't need a book of ground rules on what works and what doesn't- just know where the big bright lines are, don't cross them even if it seems like the most enticing thing you've ever done, and it will work. But- if CD is such a part of your life that you need to dress frequently, need to go out, need to practice all the time, its just too much for a wife who won't accept.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sabrina, I'm in a DA-DT and it works for me my wife knows all about Orchid , She just doesn't want to see it
every thing is in three closets and dresser drawers nothing is hidden.
I know my boundaries and stay within them and that works for me.

[NicoleScott]

... if CD is such a part of your life that you need to dress frequently, need to go out, need to practice all the time, its just too much for a wife who won't accept.

Yes, there are women who cannot be married to a crossdressing husband. Not DADT candidates. Nobody is suggesting DADT will work in all situations. But several have replied that it's working for them.
Perhaps the most important part of DADT is to not agree to terms you can't live with, and that applies to both parties.
Another important part of DADT is that if conditions change so that one party cannot live up to the boundaries and permissions of the agreement, it's time to renegotiate rather than break the deal. For example, if the couple agrees that he can dress to his hearts desire in the privacy of the home, but it's not enough and he needs to express more publicly, he should not sneak out, breaking the agreement, but approach the wife with his "new needs" for renegotiation. Or, if the wife realizes that she needs to know what's going on in his private dressup sessions, she shouldn't snoop but rather approach the husband for discussion. DADT may not last forever. It may change into acceptance or erode into total non-acceptance. It's up to them.
So, DADT works for those that make it work and for the period of time that they make it work.

[Alice B]

I think that when I first came out to my wife it was DADT, but only for a short while. She quickly accepted and Sara's description of her relationship with her wife is very similar to mine. I know my wife would never want to participate, nor would I want her to do so. We are that different. Yet I can be dressed in front of her. She just sort of looks at me in side glances. For me it works and works well. I count myself as very lucky. I can dress, go out, openly purchase what I need or want, shave, have painted toe nails and am able to back off when requested by my wife. I could never be in a situation where I had to totally keep Alice hidden.