A quandary

[BeckyAnderson]

We've always heard how difficult it is for a wife or girlfriend to accept our inate need to dress. Most of us have heard that we should be thankful that our wives or girlfriends haven't left us. We've all heard how relationships change after the revelation.

My wife found out about my crossdressing after 34 years of marriage (just over two years ago) and has gotten to a point to where she tolerates it only and desires to go no further. She has never seen me dressed and wants absolutely nothing to do with it. And we rarely discuss it unless she feels I am "escalating" in some fashion. She draws the shades, turns down the lights and basically hides when I dress. After two years of me trying to consider her feeings and desires in this I have found that she simply does not consider my feelings and desires with near as much gusto as I consider hers. After all, crossdressing is not something we have picked up along the way like a drinking or smoking, it is something we seem to have come into this world with and have very little control over.

I find that I am now having thoughts of leaving the relationship even though I love her dearly and need her by my side. If I stay I feel trapped and closeted without room to grow and mature as a crossdresser and without the ability to find fullfillment, peace and contentment. If I leave I would be devastated by losing her and would feel empty and lonely. This is very troubling because I seem to be doomed either way.

The thoughts of her rejection of me or part of me is really beginning to take its toll. I find that depression is becoming a bigger part of my life and the depression, in and of itself, is hurting our relationship. I've suggested counseling and she rejects that also.

While we all know that, in many cases, our SO's didn't bargain for this...why can't they realize that we didn't bargain for this either. Everyone says that we must give them time....I agree....but what happens when there is far less time left on the clock than the amount of time that has already passed in one's life time?

Sorry for the babble but I felt like I had to express my feelings to someone or I was going to burst.

Thank you........

Hugs,
Becky

[Jesse69]

Wouldn't it be funny if our girlfriends or wives got into dressing like a man, loving wearing men's suits, and etc? I think most men would feel funny with that. And what if they wanted to make love to us man to man?

I can tolerate playing gender switch with a wife or girlfriend, but I don't like butch females either. Now mayber that's how women feel about us cdr's.

I don't believe in counselors that much.

[TGMarla]

I understand where you're coming from. We all do, to some extent. I hear it a lot on this forum: "I can't grow as a crossdresser because my beloved wife won't let me. Maybe I'll leave my wife." That's it in a nutshell, isn't it? I've also heard the "deception" angle, that women who weren't aware of this part of the package got sold a bill of goods. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard it. I know it hurts. It sucks that this has to have such a taboo to it.

But it does.

And whereas I'll always crossdress, my being able to "grow" as a crossdresser is less important to me right now than is my relationship with my wife. I love her very much. She does things that I don't like, and she doesn't accept my dressing much at all. But I still love her and made a commitment to her. Right now, I'm keeping that commitment. I'll dress when I have the opportunities to do so, and I'll live with it.

That's where I'm at right now.

Good luck to you, Becky.

[Sharon]

Well, it's difficult to advise someone in your situation, Becky. My first impulse is to tell you that you need to follow your heart, but it seems that your heart is pretty much torn in half here.


I find that I am now having thoughts of leaving the relationship even though I love her dearly and need her by my side. If I stay I feel trapped and closeted without room to grow and mature as a crossdresser and without the ability to find fullfillment, peace and contentment. If I leave I would be devastated by losing her and would feel empty and lonely. This is very troubling because I seem to be doomed either way.

You've been married thirty-four years! Wow -- that's really amazing! Congratulations!
You probably will be devastated if your marriage ends. Do you want to dress full-time? Or do you just want someone who more readily embraces your occasional dressing? By what I have seen on the forum here, just having a wife who tolerates your crossdressing, albeit in the dark, is well above the Bell Curve on acceptance.

Regardless of this, however -- are there any other positives to you leaving your wife, other than your freedom to dress how you want, when you want? Your wife, I would assume, is not just your spouse, but also your best friend. Are your prepared to lose this also?

Now then -- your wife:

Is your wife aware of how depressed you are about this? Does she know you are contemplating leaving her? Has she explained why she dislikes it so. Is it a morally based decision? Or is her dislike of it caused by fear of discovery, the "weirdness" factor, or some other reason?

Weigh things in your mind, or even create a list containing all the positives and negatives of you staying or leaving her. You say that your wife has had two years to accept you. How many years did it take to accept yourself?

Whatever you do though -- and I'm sure you have already done so, but it bears repeating -- think about this decision you are struggling with. I mean really think about it.

Good luck, Becky, I wish only the best for you.

[Phoebe Reece]

I find that I am now having thoughts of leaving the relationship even though I love her dearly and need her by my side.
Becky, if you do genuinely love your wife and she still loves you, abandoning her for any reason is really not an option. You've done well to stay a couple for this many years. Far too many marriages end much sooner, even without crossdressing as a source of conflict. The two of you must have something good going between you. Do you really want to destroy her life just at a time when the two of you may be reaching retirement and live out your remaining "time on the clock" together?

Depression is a serious problem that needs to be dealt with. You say your wife has rejected counseling. Maybe your depression has simply kept you from forcing the issue strong enough. Instead of just suggesting it, make arrangements and tell her when and where to be. Sometimes a wife will respect you more and go along with things when you take charge of a situation instead of just considering her feelings.

You've been dealing with the issue of crossdressing all your life. Your wife has only had to face it for two years. She probably has many unspoken thoughts about it all, particularly about why you chose to hide it from her for so long. Your hiding it had to have transmitted some feeling that you yourself felt for a long time that crossdressing was wrong. It looks like it took you a lot longer than two years to accept this part of yourself. The clock ticking away is not a good excuse for only giving your wife two years to come to the same conclusions you have?

You and your wife need to communicate on this issue more. You may need to push her a bit to get her to discuss it and learn more about it. She may never embrace it the way you want her to, but that doesn't mean that the two of you need to live your lives in misery. Unless it is your intent to live the remainder of your life full time as a woman, there are always compromises that can be negotiated that can give each of you something you can tolerate.

Think long and hard about what you really want out of the remaining years of your life, including things that have nothing to do with crossdressing. Then start working on a plan to achieve those things. It's better to face your problems head on than to run away from them.

[christine55]

I have never gotten married because of my dressing and many times I deeply regret that. I find that when I dress alot it becomes very empty and unsatisfying. I feel that if I had made different choices earlier in my life my present would be much happier. It would seem to me that leaving a girl who you really care for and cares for you would be a mistake. I would bet that given time you and her will be able to find a good balance for you both.
Best Wishes
Hugs, Christine

[Dana]

A couple of points for you to consider~

First, I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater! To have been married thrity-four says that the two of you are doing something right! That there's a strong connection on at least one or two ~ if not many levels.

Second ~ just because SHE won't participate in counseling ~ doesn't mean that YOU shouldn't! That is to say that you can go alone. Just to as you said so you would have someone to bounce this off of ~ but I caution you ~ you've got to shop around and find the right one. They come in all shapes and sizes. And, I would strongly resist being put on any kind of medication for your depression. If such is the case ~ then you need to seek second and even third opinions.

[sarahjan]

Try talking to your wife see if there is room for both of you.

She has asked me to giveit up but I can't and have told her so. She now realised that she has got to share her live with Sarahjane and as we don't want to lose each other she has got to give Sarahjane some room.

My wife now encourages me every so often to go away for a few days to allow me time to be Sarahjane. She is not quite ready for it to be in her face but is willing to let me be me.

[BeckyAnderson]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you all so much for responding. I know you all understand what I'm going through because you have all probably been through much the same thing.

You have all brought up some great points and I think I'm going to try to work things out. However, I think it may be time to perhaps change some things. As much as I would love for my wife to understand and accept I think I can live with her choice not to take part in any way but I would like (from her) some leeway to grow.

Currently I cannot persue developing friendships because of my inability to go out and do things (or even visit) with other crossdressers on any kind of regular basis. The exceptions to this are my Triess meetings once a month and every once in a while I get the opportunity to visit with a gurlfriend for the day. However, I cannot dress here and go I must go to wherever it is I'm going and dress there.

I'm going to try to list a few things that I think may be obtainable. Keep in mind this is not a list of demands but simply some things that would most likely help to move things forward for me.

I'd like the ability to dress at home and then go out and return home dressed. I would take every precaution not to let our neighbors see me coming or going. It is just so much easier than trying to pack everything in a bag and go. I invitably forget things and clothes get wrinkled. And in most cases the lighting (where I end up dressing) is terrible and with my eyesight it is much easier to do my makeup at home where the light is excellent.

I think it is time to let her know that I have been out in public many, many times and feel very comfortable doing so and that I will continue to venture out. I wouldn't go out in my home town or surrounding towns because I am very well known. But she needs to understand that when I am dressed and with my makeup on it is very difficult for someone we know to recognize me by appearance only.....voice is a different story, as mine is very recognizable.

I would also want my own closet to hang my things. Right now they are in my regular closet but are quite literally stuffed into two cloth garment bags that are busting at the seams and are terribly wrinkled. I take a great deal of pride in how I look and somehow wrinkled clothes just doesn't help.

My jewelry is thrown into a box and my necklaces get tangled. I'd like to have a small jewelry box to keep things organized, even if I keep that box in my closet.

I would like to groom my nails so that they would look okay for both guy mode and with nail polish.

These are a few things that I will try to get her to allow.....These can all occur without her being involved. I also plan to talk to her about just how depressed I have been lately and why. I have no idea whether or not I will be creating the great Third World War but I have to try to communicate these desires to her and see what happens.

Again, thank you all so much for responding. It is so wonderful to be able to openly discuss this issue with understanding minds.

Hugs,
Becky

[Olivia]

You'll get so much good advice here Becky. That's truly one of the great things about our community here. Support, advice loves is just a fingertip away. But, at the end of the day, the decision will have to be yours. You already know that. I have contemplated doing just what you're thinking AND I have a very accepting wife. I could hardly ask for more, but still, sometimes I do. Her acceptance and support has certainly grown through our marriage (I told her two years before we married in 1977) and she hasn't always been this open.

My need to dress and "be" Olivia has grown a lot too. If I couldn't express myself now like I do, I might consider leaving again. We are what we are. We didn't choose it. I know it's difficult for wives to handle, but they are supposed to love us. And acceptance is their way of demonstrating how much that is true. Good luck dear! Best wishes, Olivia

[Rikki Elisabeth]

I truly understand your dilemma. I have been married 43 years. My wife has known for 41 years. It has only been the last 12 years that I can honestly say we have reached an understanding. I met her, I fell immediately in love, I proposed on our third date.

She at first associated my crossdressing with being gay. Her "knight in shining armor" had suddenly turned into a maid in waiting. She told me once that she would know what to do if I were having an affair with another woman but she didn't know what to do since the other woman was me.

I have never cheated on her. We were both virgins when we were married. She used sex as a weapon against Rikki. 15 years ago, she told me that she let me have sex but I still dressed the next week. I have to say that the "let me have sex" was too much. We have been celibate since. She knows that I dress when I am on the road. I occasionally let her wash my nightgowns but I have my wardrobe either at my sisters or in a storage facility.

I look back and see the anguish I caused her because she didn't understand and I was too ignorant to explain. I didn't understand either. What I did realize was that I loved her too much to leave her. We have finally reached an accomodation...she knows that Rikki is there but she doesn't have to fear her.

I grew up never knowing what it was like not having divorced parents. I am not unhappy with my life. Would I give up my family to allow Rikki to really be there all of the time? No. I would rather take Rikki on business trips where no one is hurt.

This is pretty close to rambling but it is near and dear to my heart. It isn't an easy path to choose. I am taking hormones. I know that my wife must know but we don't discuss it. I will follow my course as long as I can because I will not, I can not, overtly hurt her. I would rather die.

God bless as you wrestle with your decisions.

[FionaAlexis]

It can be tough.

I've lived both lifestyles and there is pros and cons of both. Alone you have the freedom to dress pretty much as and when you wish. Also you can develop and grow, get out more. But you'd be surprised how many other restrictions there are. You might also be surprised that the novelty can wear off.

The cons are that you lose touch with your family, you may become isolated and lonely. All those trannies out there who you may think are waiting to welcome you into there social circle - are usually in the same boat.

Consider your options carefully - and then consider them again - Do you have any time alone to dress? Can you get away regularly? Can't you work out some compromise. I can understand a TS making that decision with some clarity - I find the reasons less compelling for a CD.

Fiona xx

ps you look great for 58.

[Sharon]

I truly understand your dilemma. I have been married 43 years. My wife has known for 41 years. It has only been the last 12 years that I can honestly say we have reached an understanding. I met her, I fell immediately in love, I proposed on our third date.


Rikki,

I'm confused -- if you are 53 years old (birthdate: 4/16/1953) as stated in your Profile page, then how is it that you have been married for 43 years? I assume some of these ages/dates are typos, but which one(s)?

[Rikki Elisabeth]

Rikki,

I'm confused -- if you are 53 years old (birthdate: 4/16/1953) as stated in your Profile page, then how is it that you have been married for 43 years? I assume some of these ages/dates are typos, but which one(s)?

Unfortunately, I took typing. My finger fly slower, and sometimes, less accurately, than I think what I am saying. 33 year of marriage. A third of a century.

[Sharon]

I am taking hormones. I know that my wife must know but we don't discuss it. I will follow my course as long as I can because I will not, I can not, overtly hurt her. I would rather die.


Okay, I'm still confused, so if you don't mind helping me here. Just bear with me, but I'm also curious.

You have stated in assorted posts that you work en femme, deal with employees and customers en femme, that you have been taking hormones, but that your wife doesn't know, or, at least, has been unwilling to discuss it with you?

[Sophia Rearen]

Becky,
I'm happy your listening to all the good advice that has been given so far. I, for one, don't think you're asking for too much. Yet, I am a cd. So, that kind of scews things. I know you feel the need to push things along. We all do. Once we accept ourselves we think everyone should. I have been out to my wife for three years now. And, as I've said many times here before, I want to run with it but, I know I have to crawl. Baby steps.
As you know, and maybe others from my post. I received hangers from my wife for Christmas. Not just any hangers. Dress, blouse, and skirt hangers. Physically, it was a baby step. Psychologically, it was a leap. There was more acceptance in that gift than you could count.
My point, even though you list your desires and they seem on the outside small and trivial, they could, together amount to a mountain of troubles. Will she feel as though another woman has moved into her house? Will she welcome that? I started out three years ago with a couple of skirts and a blouse and a pair of heels. And that wasn't easy. Three years later I got hangers for Christmas.
The acceptance roller coaster roars on!

[Raychel]

Becky,

If you love your wife as I do. I have found that when our relationship is intimate and good, then the need for dressing is no where as strong as when there is no intimace or when we are just co-existing. So if it were me I would definitly work on making things better between you and your wife. Take her out to dinner and a movie. Don't even think about dressing or bring up the subject. Take some time and just devote it to pampering her. If Momma gets unhappy, then nobody is happy. Then when your both happy with each other you should notice that your desire to dress is no so important. At least that's the way it is for me.

Then who knows, mjust maybe when all is well again. You wife could just surprise you with a shopping trip. :D

[jayne-T]

It is important that you and wife go to a marriage counselor --one who has dealt with these issues

this is different than a shrink who would try to find the reasons you dress

a marriage counsellor would prob see this as just another part of your marriage that has other problems -- open up and see if comprimises can be made----neither of you want to see the marriage end -unless she does and the dressing is the last straw

[Christina Nicole]

I am a crossdressers; I have nothing against it. But, a good marriage isn't something that one walks away from, especially over dressing. Perhaps you can find an accomodation with her. Maybe you can get an occasional weekend away? In time, she'll might be interested to learn more, but for now, don't press the issue with her.

Warm regards,
Christina Nicole

[Maid Barbara]

Hi Becky
I can't really give you anymore advice than everone else, except to possibly show her this post that you've written.
Maybe don't show all of it, but maybe put on paper what you feel.
Talking & arguing is one thing, but reading how you feel can make things a lot better.
I can only wish you good luck in whatever choice you make.
Barbara.xx

[Shannah]

Maybe you could suggest giving each other pedicures and then painting each others toe nails. If you think the toe painting is too much, try giving each other pedicures and painting her toes. If it goes over well, you could bring up having your toes painted at a later time. It's a romantic, bonding and fun experiance, that most women(or men) never get to share with their partner. It would also show her one of the advantages to having a cd hubby.

I'm so lucky, this time around. Not only is my girlfriend an awesome person, but also loves that I cd. It was actually her idea! (she didn't know that I had been a cross dresser since an early age). One night she told me, she thought it would be kinky to paint each others toe nails and it was. Not long after, she told me she thought it would be hot if I tried on some panties and stockings.

After a couple months of us shopping for lingerie for me, I confessed to her that I'm a long term cd'er and have breastforms, thigh high boots ect... I have since started shaving my body, which I've always wanted to do, but never dared.

Sorry, if it seems like I'm gloating, I've had to live in the closet for 20 some years and finally feel so free. None of my other g/fs' even knew about my hobby.
Bye girls,
Shannah

[Rikki Elisabeth]

Yes. I am taking hormones. I have them shipped to a private address. Yes. I deal with customers and employees en femme. I have a private storage area that is much like a dressing room. Yes. My wife is unwilling to discuss it with me. My wife knows that I dress...she has noticed by breasts and I attribute it to alcohol and continue on my way.

You didn't happen to be Sherlock Holmes in a different life, did you? Ask away.

Kisses

:)
Okay, I'm still confused, so if you don't mind helping me here. Just bear with me, but I'm also curious.

You have stated in assorted posts that you work en femme, deal with employees and customers en femme, that you have been taking hormones, but that your wife doesn't know, or, at least, has been unwilling to discuss it with you?

[uknowhoo]

Hello Becky, I've been away for a few days and just now read your thread. I'm so sorry you're struggling and feeling depressed. Cding surely can be a mixed blessing, and for our spouses as well. Fortunately, we are all blessed to have this place and each other here for support. I can't offer much more than has already been written, other than that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife. Peace. Tammi

[Mitzi]

Most of the posts assume the partner can be rational about CDing, given time and mutual exploration. In my case, and I'm sure many others', we're faced with a partner who has no interest in discussions, just stop dressing, or move out.

My wife stumbled accross my dressing almost 20 years ago. She was surprised, but not hostile initially, more concerned with others finding out. She probably thought I'd been cheating on her, and relieved to find out otherwise. She's never wanted to talk about it, spewing out mean and hurtful words when angered, but pretty much tolerating my dressing as long as she was not made aware of it.

Then a couple of years ago, I bought a wedding gown on ebay, there was a mixup and the seller obtained my home phone number and called. I was out on errands, my wife got the call. You can pretty much picture "the rest of the story". She ordered me out of the house by weekend, and only relented after I promised to try to quit dressing.

I had good intentions, purged everything, but was back dressing secretly before long...

We've been married for very many, often rocky, years, and we both would be desperately unhappy should we separate. But she's drawn the line, so if she finds out, I'll have to make promises I won't be able to keep and hope she'll give me another "one last chance".

Mitzi

[Tamara Croft]

One typo I can buy that, but two?? you explained how you made the typo for how many years you have been married... but what about how long she has known?? So enlighten me please......
I truly understand your dilemma. I have been married 43 years. My wife has known for 41 years. It has only been the last 12 years that I can honestly say we have reached an understanding. I met her, I fell immediately in love, I proposed on our third date.
Unfortunately, I took typing. My finger fly slower, and sometimes, less accurately, than I think what I am saying. 33 year of marriage. A third of a century.

[BeckyAnderson]

I want to thank everyone who has offered their experiences and advice. You have all been so sweet and so caring....this is what makes this a great forum. I still have the dilema but I know that I'm not unique and that we all go through periods of ups and downs. I'm sure I will end up doing the right thing for both my wife and me and I think it is key that I don't let the downs overcome the ups.

Hugs,
Becky

[Tamara Croft]

Becky I'm sorry I hijacked your thread, but I just can't stand to see contradictors posting in it. Seems you have a lot of hard decisions to make and at present I think I know how you feel :( Since Tam moved back in with me, I feel like I'm holding her back from her crossdressing as we have children and now she can't dress as much as when she lived alone. I feel like I'm on borrowed time before she may just up and leave again because of the strong fem feelings inside she has. I hope just hope you make the right decision for yourself, you only get one chance in life to be happy right? :hugs:

[DonnaT]

Hi Becky, just wanted to add my story.

My wife has known almost the entire 30 years of our marriage. Only in the past year has she been much more accepting. Your wife has known, what, 2 years? Yes, your not getting any younger, but it can still take a lot of time for a wife to start to come to grips with it.

Note, however, that my wife has mentioned divorce a couple of times in the past year. She's mentioned it many times over the years. With patience, I seemed to have persevered, but that can change at any time. I'm not ready to just give up on making it work, but have been very very close.

Point is, have patience, especially if she doesn't flat out deny you any chance to dress.

My wife won't let me get dressed at home and go out either, but I find it a small price to pay for being allowed to dress at all. You just need to set your priorities. My patience has paid off this year, and now I sleep every night in a nightie, and dress when I usually want at home.

------------------------sorry had to add----------------
As for anyone challanging some else's posts as being contradictory, it would be much nicer if done in a PM. You'll find much more respect from others. I'm guilty of it myself.

[randi_789]

Hi Becky,
I can only imagine what you are feeling. I wonder what my life would be like if my wife was aware of my secret life. Sure, I have thought about telling her, or even hinting to her, but have never gotten the nerve except for about twenty five years ago when it did come up. This was before the internet, before I knew there were many others like me, before I thought I might not be abnormal, and when I told her I liked to dress in her clothes, she freaked and asked me not to do it anymore. I said yes. Stupid! I should have had a dialogue, but took the easy way out. Now, many years later I think about what might have been, and what would happen if I told her now. I cannot think of the risk, of what I would be jeapordizing. Is it worth it? Thirty five years of marriage. ......... So, I know the inner turmoil, and I can only imagine what it must be like for you. My heart goes out to you.

[Darlena]

Dear Becky, we all feel what you may be going through at this time. 34 years spells out real commitment to me. Might I suggest taking her out some night and introducing her(as well as yourself) to a flaming bar where `boys will be `Girls' and the girls end up congregating amongst themselve's and.., `voila!' Instant support group! Or else referr her to Tamara. Happy Leftovers,