Bit of a Setback

[Marcelle]

Hi all,

I guess I should have seen this coming as my wife has always been a bit skittish when it comes to what she hears from others. She was at work the other day and the conversation turned to intolerance of those different. As she has a husband who shall we say is "different" :battingeyelashes:, she listened carefully (her coworkers don't know in case anyone is wondering).

One of the ladies in the conversation whom in my opinion tends to "shall we say embellish things" with personal antidotes to add to the seriousness, always has a friend of a friend who has a personal experience. In this case, the friend of a friend happened to be a transgender gal who was beat upon by five beer guzzling dudes one night and ended up in a coma with serious brain damage. Now I am assuming something like that would have made the news but "who knows".

Long story short, my wife is now petrified of me going out. She is still supportive of me (no changes there thankfully) but she won't go out with me should I choose to go out. She says she will support my decision to go out but she doesn't want to be there and see me get beat upon or wind up in jail because I lost my temper and hurt someone.

Needless to say this is a bit of a setback for me as I would love to go out but without a wing-girl (my wife) it is a bit more scary not to mention quite lonely. I think (hope) this might blow over so I am going to give her time, continue to work on my presentation and cross my fingers. C'est la vie . . . I guess. :sad:

Hugs

Isha

[Persephone]

You might discuss venues with her. I think that a lot of the terrible incidents happen in bad parts of town, in bars and the like, and many occur when the T-girl is alone.

Talk about "safe" places to go, mainstream venues like malls, popular restaurants, theaters, and museums and how they are better than bad neighborhoods and bars.

Maybe ask her about incidents she's had in her life, if any, pointing out how she follows "common sense" safety rules.

Lastly, you might point out that most women go places in groups of two or more precisely because it is safer and more fun that way.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Beverley Sims]

Isha,
It has already been explained quite well and I only add that you could let your wife's anxiety wear off a little to let her get used to her fears.
Talk about it by all means but for a couple of weeks let your wife lead with the conversation, that way you can temper the anxiety already there.

[TheMissus]

Isha, does you wife actually want to go public with you while you're dressed?

I only ask because maybe she doesn't want to and this is an excuse? The story itself sounds a little iffy.

I know personally I couldn't stomach going public with my H while he's dressed as a woman. That's a head spin I will never come to terms with. Ever. Time and patience won't change this. Perhaps your wife feels the same gut-wrenching feeling I do at the thought of her HUSBAND (this usually means a man, for the record) being viewed as a woman by others? What does this say about her? She's a lesbian? Her friends are transexual?

Anyway, this is just a wee idea for you to think over. I might be wrong and she's actually wild about the idea of a public rendezvous with Isha, and she really is concerned for your safety. But given you were once her über masculine army guy (I think I have this right?) and can probably take care of him/herself, I would bet my left shoe (and yes, it's a nice shoe, lol) that she's just not as excited about this as you are.

My two cents :) x

[Lynn Marie]

Methinks the Missus is giving us all a pretty accurate idea of what's going on in the heads of our loved ones. We all hate having a mate who is an embarrassment to us.

[Tawne]

I'd say she is just turning on her cautious side after hearing about what happened to the other chick. This stuff does happen, there is always a risk, it wasn't too many years ago if someone was found out gay they were bashed to a pulp, it's only when you are at the wrong place at the wrong time that she's afraid of and would rather not risk it if it's avoidable. But like all "horror stories" that we hear, they affect us when first experienced, like right after watching a scary movie, are you afraid to go to bed alone, there's a man with an axe under your bed? Well, it's kinda like that, and over time, the memory fades and the fear lessens IE: give it some time and take a chill pill for now,

[daviolin]

Hi Isha. My wife has the same fear of me getting beat up while out dressed. She has given me full dress up time at home. When ever I want too. Which is just fine and dandy to me. Of course I do over due sometime. But oh well, she said I could dress anytime I please, as long as I don't go out. Actually I prefer to stay in, because I like changing clothes alot. I have all my bells and whistles at my finger tips. This probably doesn't help you much, because you want to go out. I just had to comment on the subject. Daviolin

[Frédérique]

Long story short, my wife is now petrified of me going out. She is still supportive of me (no changes there thankfully) but she won't go out with me should I choose to go out. She says she will support my decision to go out but she doesn't want to be there and see me get beat upon or wind up in jail because I lost my temper and hurt someone.

I wouldn’t see this expression of love and support as a setback, but you obviously WANT to go out dressed, and it’s a dangerous world for girls like us. As such, your wife’s concern is real and, for your own safety (and hers), you’ll have to think of a way to surmount this obstacle. I avoid it entirely by not placing myself in harm’s way, and doing what I can when I can, in a place and time of my choosing. I just want some peace, without unwarranted intrusions, and I don’t wish to worry anyone or worry myself…
:straightface:

[sandra-leigh]

"Friend of a friend" stories tend to loose important context, even in the cases that have true origins. For example, being outside dressed in rural Brazil can get you killed (highest rate of trans murders in the world!) but there is a thriving trans culture in Rio.

[ReineD]

Isha, I'm with Persephone and Missus. Either your wife is seriously afraid and she needs to understand that beatings do not occur in safe parts of town where there are lots of people, or she cannot bear being judged (your last experience maybe?) and she feels torn internally because she wants to be supportive at the same time as honoring her own feelings.

Just so you know, SOs do take on the stigma when they go out with their husbands/bfs.

I'd have a gentle, non-judgmental talk with her to ascertain the truth. No matter the outcome, whether you wife gets over it or not or if she just needs lots more time, it's important for her to be able to admit to herself and to you that she is embarrassed, if this is the case. This is the only way that people do get over being embarrassed. By bringing it out in the open.

I went through this too. It took awhile before I got a thick skin. Even if only one person stared, or one person snickered, it was enough to cloud the hour for me.

One last very general comment ... we always caution CDers to be honest with their wives, but the reverse is true as well. A SO who wants to be supportive, needs to admit to reactions that her husband might feel are non-supportive, no matter how difficult this is. And she needs to know that her husband will not judge her.

[Lorileah]

Hi all,
Now I am assuming something like that would have made the news but "who knows".


Unfortunately, no. It happens but often the media does not report it unless someone dies. It happens less than bar fights between men (and you don't here about hem either). However, it isn't as common as some believe either. It has to do with a lot of variables. They have been covered here before. Basically, don't go alone, park in lighted areas, don't go to places you (or a GG) would not go anyway.

The top one is don't go alone. Safety in numbers. Your wife with you is actually safer than you out alone or her out alone. You know the top place for a woman to be attacked? The grocery store parking lot. Can't quit going to the store can we? You and your SO going to dinner or the mall should be as safe as you as a male and her going to dinner or the mall. Stay way from dive bars :)

It will be hard to convince her otherwise but in perspective, people get hit by cars everyday and you don't hear that, people get sick eating at certain places, you don't hear that, people get robbed daily, you don't hear that. Bad things happen,you just have to make sure you do what you can to not let that happen.

[PaulaQ]

I only ask because maybe she doesn't want to and this is an excuse? The story itself sounds a little iffy.


I don't think this story is iffy at all, unfortunately. I have a friend who was walking home from the bus stop after work one evening. She was cornered by three guys who intended to rape her. When they discovered she was a pre-op TS, well, they raped her anyway, particularly savagely, and broke her jaw, costing her several teeth in the process. She still suffers PTSD from this incident.

I have another friend who got offered some drugs by a neighbor, who unbeknownst to her was a gang member. She spent the next several days in a drugged out stupor, essentially being raped by many, many men.

Violence against CD / TG / TS people is, unfortunately real, and all of us need to be really careful. I'm not saying "don't go out" - but you need to be careful. Have your car keys in your hand BEFORE you get to your car. Don't walk alone at night, particularly in bad parts of town, or isolated places. If you go to bars, go to ones that are more TG friendly. This stuff isn't natural for most of us who were born male - you grow up, you're a dude, and you know nobody is going to F___ with you. However, when you present as female, that goes away, and you are much more likely to be victimized.

Sorry to be such a Debbie downer - but violence against CD / TG / TS girls is a grim reality.

edit: what Lorileah said - there is safety in numbers. You and your wife or another girl are much safer than you alone.

edit: one more thought - be careful doing stuff alone in parks, particularly ones that have lots of wooded areas. Even in "the good part of town", these places can actually be very isolated, and some rapists will use them to stalk solo women joggers and such. I've explored lots of urban parks as part of another hobby over the years, and some of them are surprisingly good places to hide a body. Don't let it be yours. (There have been a couple of times over the years, as a guy, that I found myself in situations in these places where I felt "man, I am really, really stupid to not carry a firearm.") BE CAREFUL!

All that said - you aren't in an invulnerable fortress in your home either, violence can happen there too. It's just the world we live in. So go on out - but be safe.

[Suzanne F]

Isha
Give your wife some time. Also have you found a support group within an hour or two from you? I meet a few ladies from this forum in San Francisco once or twice a month. I think also your last trip out is weighing on your wife's mind. My wife does worry about me but so far we have worked through it. Of course I live in one of the most liberal areas of the country and that helps. I understand your need to go out. I think I would die without it now. However we have to work with our spouses. My wife knows how much I desire to go out but she is always looking out for my safety!
Hugs
Suzanne

[kimdl93]

Like Persephone suggests, the venue is the important consideration. Recall your last experience with your wife and the low life that harassed you. My guess that weighs more heavily on her mind that the story overheard at the office. So, talk with her about places where you're less likely to encounter knuckle draggers. And remember, many of us have been going out for years without any such bad experiences.

[Bree Wagner]

Yep, I'll just add my concurrence that there is a lot you can do to minimize your own risk since it's been elegantly said already. Bad things sure can happen, and they can happen no matter who you are or where you are, but there are always places and situations that are far riskier than others.

Good luck on that next conversation with your wife and I hope the situation improves.

-Bree

[Marcelle]

Hi all,

Thanks very much for your comments. I have been reading them through the day and weighing my options. When my wife came home we had a good discussion.

Reine and Missus . . . You hit the nail on the head. I asked her to be honest and she did admit that while she is supportive and finds that while I have been happier and more attentive this past month than I have been in a long time, she is a bit apprehensive about having the light shone on her when we go out. I will predicate this by saying she is not embarrassed by me but hates to see me potentially ridiculed (Did I tell you how much I love this woman) . I told her I understand that and I would not expect her to do something she is not comfortable with. She thought she could transcend but she is not quite ready for that. So we agreed that if I go out, she will not accompany me . . . yet. She believes she will get there but she thinks it is moving a bit fast and she needs to come to terms with it before we move forward.



With regards to support groups, not likely in this area, as I would most likely have to travel a distance to find that support. Currently searching. I guess for those of you who are currently out, you can understand the need to go out and I have been bitten by that bug. However, your sage advice is not unheeded. While I have no doubt I can hold my own against a single attacker, I am not naïve enough to think I can take two or more (especially dressed en femme). So, until I get a support group in the mix, I will let my wife dictate the next step. We have discussed several safe venues and she is fine, in theory but she really wants to ensure my presentation is a bit better than last time (at least an ability to blend.)

So, I will calm things a bit (don't want to get lost in the pink fog :) ) practice my make-up and presentation and take one day at a time. I think we will get there but it will take time.

In the interim, I am taking some steps to divest myself of a big stumbling block in my personal growth . . . but that will the subject of another thread. :)

Hugs all

Isha

[ReineD]

My SO started to go out to places at about the time that s/he met me. And I was like your wife, being out in public made me feel uncomfortable even though I went (brand new relationship and all :p). Anyway, it was a relief to go to non-mainstream places where we knew that no one would look at us askance and where we could even hold hands if we wanted to, like my SO's private support group meetings and eventually, drag shows in LGTBQ friendly nightclubs. It was a start.

[Kandy Barr]

I like your attitude about all this Isha, there's no big hurry really. You know an idea would be for you to keep polishing your look and presentation and let your wife be the judge of when she thinks you can go out and be presentable. If she thinks you look and present well enough then perhaps she would be more willing to accompany you. Just give thought to where you go and be safe............. K