The Hardest Part

[Julie1123]

I think the hardest part of all of this is that my girlfriend doesn't like it. We've been together for almost ten years now and I can't see myself being with anyone other than her. We've been living apart for the last year due to the availability of work but will be moving back in together here in a few months. Which we're both really looking forward to. It's been hard on both of us living apart.

The hitch in all of this is that living apart has given me ample opportunity to explore what I enjoy about crossdressing and I think I have a pretty clear picture of what I want out of it. She's said that because she loves me she doesn't want to prevent me from being who I am which is fantastic. Her only requirement is that it stays out of sight. Which I can work with for the most part. When I dress I don't typically spend a lot of time dressed. A few hours usually. Some things though that I like doing stay even if I'm not dressed. The big three are shaving my legs, armpits and having toe nail polish on. The first two mainly because I can't grow hair back on demand. ;)

I've been considering once we move back in together or a bit before, just sitting down with her to have a touching base on the crossdressing conversation.

Any thoughts and advice is always welcome. Would also really like to hear from those of you who have to keep your crossdressing hidden from your significant others and how you go about doing this. If your significant other knows about your crossdressing, what kind of boundaries have you set with them?

[Jaylyn]

Being truthful with feelings is always the prime ingredient for a successful couple. ( now with that said if she says how do I look always reply just beautiful.... Lol) really being honest has always been the key to my keeping my lovely wife happy and having her as my friend for such a long time now.

[NicoleScott]

Her only requirement is that it stays out of sight.

If this is true, that's good. You know the rules. Make sure you keep it out of her sight, and that probably means more than just not seeing you dressed, it means keeping your girly things out of her sight.
I'm not sure I would initiate the conversation, but I sure would pursue it if she brings it up. Either way, it gives you a chance to confirm that this is "her only requirement....".
If she recognizes and accepts your need to CD, but doesn't want to see it, and you honor her requirement to keep it out of her sight, this is DADT and it CAN work if you both want it to.
So you know my perspective, first wife divorced me because I'm a CDer, current wife accepts but wants us to keep it private between us. I don't need to keep it out of her sight, but she doesn't participate. Like you, I dress for a few hours, only occasionally. As my CDing is a very personal thing, going it alone is OK with me.

Hey Jaylyn, you are truthful AND diplomatic. It seems to work well for you.

[Robbin_Sinclair]

.... Some things though that I like doing stay even if I'm not dressed. The big three are shaving my legs, armpits and having toe nail polish on. The first two mainly because I can't grow hair back on demand...

For me, that's a big deal. That sounds like a "line in the sand" that she should be able to live with. I gave in even on that and I regret it. I feel like a monster ("Grendle" to be more specific) and this will eventually have to change. Not now, though, for other reasons.

Good luck. You are in a unique situation. Ten years together but not together. There's a mixed message there.

[Julie1123]

Being truthful with feelings is always the prime ingredient for a successful couple. ( now with that said if she says how do I look always reply just beautiful.... Lol) really being honest has always been the key to my keeping my lovely wife happy and having her as my friend for such a long time now.

I agree 100%.


If this is true, that's good. You know the rules. Make sure you keep it out of her sight, and that probably means more than just not seeing you dressed, it means keeping your girly things out of her sight.
I'm not sure I would initiate the conversation, but I sure would pursue it if she brings it up. Either way, it gives you a chance to confirm that this is "her only requirement....".
If she recognizes and accepts your need to CD, but doesn't want to see it, and you honor her requirement to keep it out of her sight, this is DADT and it CAN work if you both want it to.

Yeah, that's why I'm hesitant to bring it up. What does DADT mean?


For me, that's a big deal. That sounds like a "line in the sand" that she should be able to live with. I gave in even on that and I regret it. I feel like a monster ("Grendle" to be more specific) and this will eventually have to change. Not now, though, for other reasons.

Good luck. You are in a unique situation. Ten years together but not together. There's a mixed message there.

Sorry to hear that. That must feel awful. *hugs* Not sure what you mean by mixed message though.

Edit: On a side note I was just watching videos on putting down cement backer board and Lola was playing in the background of the video. Gave me a chuckle.

[ReineD]

The big three are shaving my legs, armpits and having toe nail polish on. The first two mainly because I can't grow hair back on demand. ;)

Absolutely you should discuss this with her. It could well be that by "out of sight" she means she doesn't want to see you dressed as a woman or wearing forms, etc. Sheer logic alone dictates that you cannot grow hair in between getting dressed and the truth (if you're honest with yourself and her), is that you prefer to have shaved legs all the time because it appeals to your own personal aesthetics. My SO is the same way.

Will you see her before you move back in together? I wouldn't wait at the last minute. If you do, she might feel pressured. Tell her what you have to tell her and ask her to take time to reflect on it. Tell her in person though.

Also it may be interesting to ask others what their boundaries are, but it won't help you come to a compromise with your SO. Everyone here has different life circumstances, with different CDing needs, and with SOs who are at different levels of acceptance along their particular continuums.

In our case though, I'm OK with my SO's complete female expression. But, my life circumstances are different than yours.

[NicoleScott]

What does DADT mean?

Don't Ask Don't Tell. She doesn't ask about your CDing (but she acknowledges your need to do it) and you don't tell her about it (because she doesn't want to see it and maybe not want to know when you do it).

After reading Reine's post, I agree, you should talk to her, and clarify the details like shaving.

[Beverley Sims]

Yes you may have to set limits until you can gain common ground with it.

[Julie1123]

Absolutely you should discuss this with her.

Will you see her before you move back in together? I wouldn't wait at the last minute. If you do, she might feel pressured. Tell her what you have to tell her and ask her to take time to reflect on it. Tell her in person though.

Also it may be interesting to ask others what their boundaries are, but it won't help you come to a compromise with your SO. Everyone here has different life circumstances, with different CDing needs, and with SOs who are at different levels of acceptance along their particular continuums.


Yeah, we will be seeing each other prior to moving. If we did have the conversation I would definitely want it to be in person.

Asking others about their boundaries and how their relationships work was more along the lines of curiosity. What works for them won't necessarily work for us but its sometimes helpful to hear how others deal with things.


Don't Ask Don't Tell.

Doh! Should have known that... :)