getting older brings new concerns

[Michelle123]

I have reached that age now where I must at least consider that my health may be an issue somewhere in the near future.
I am only "out" to a very few people, and I have concerns that if I should ever become incapacitated for one reason or another.....My "stash" of clothes may be discovered by relatives. (son, stepchildren, etc.). This is a part of my life that they know nothing about, nor do I want them to ever know.
Because of these concerns, I feel that sometimes in the near future, I may have to do a "final purge", just to assure that my secret life is never discovered by them.
As long as my wife is still in relatively good health, she would take care of it. But what if she weren't in good enough health to handle it?
I just wonder if others here have thought about this, and if so...How would you address this problem?

[Being Paige]

Haven't really thought that far ahead, but yes that would and could be a concern for many of us.

[Juliea661]

I have the same FEAR Michelle. And when I realize it is a fear that drives those thoughts I also realize that I need to run towards that fear, not away from it.
So, I'm getting up the nerve to introduce Jules to the kids (three of mine, and six of my wifes. counting SOs).
We don't know how long we get to live during this life. Why should I, or you do an "ultimate purge" and miss potentially many years of enjoyment and and pleasure, just because of a FEAR that some may disapprove...?
So i plan on telling the "kids", ages 34 to 26, about Jules. I want them to know that Jules is a real and beautiful part of who I am. I want them to know that expressing this part of me is wonderful and brings me much joy. I don't want them to think that "now" I will emerse them with an abundance of Jules... LOL Rather I want them to know that nothing has changed. They will always have their "dad". But I do want them to know that dad is just a tiny bit more complex then they thought - and a whole lot more FUN than they thought also....
There is some quote: we have nothing to fear except fear itself.....
Hugs, Jules

[AllieSF]

At my young age I could "go" at any moment, from age related issues or just stepping off the curb at the wrong moment. I am out to the world away from my family, friends and neighbors. I do not plan to worry about this because I just get too much enjoyment from it. Therefore, my kids and family will be surprised when I pass on to a hopefully better place. Is that unfair? I think not, since I will be gone, they are adults and should be able to handle the unexpected discovery, and should be mature enough to realize that each person has the right to be themselves. Maybe my daughter and grand daughter will find some women's clothes and accessories that they can use.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

I often think about this too. I'm 60 and my wife is 53. I've been slowly (probably too slow) thinning out my wardrobe and old wigs that just don't work anymore, and clothes that don't fit like they used to. A lot I bought 30 years ago. So I'm trying to simplify. Given many factors, I may go before my wife, and I want to make it easy for her to fill a couple bags to toss. But let's say she goes before me. After I'm dead, I won't care what anyone finds. Sounds like a downer but that's how I look at it.

Cheryl

[NicoleScott]

My wife knows but nobody else in the family. We have discussed it, and she said she would do as I wish, which is to quitely get rid of all my things, which are all kept together in one place. She knows where. No need to get buried en femme and all that. I'm a guy and just like to dress up occasionally. If I go, my stuff goes, that's it.

To address your concerns, Michelle, I would hate to get rid of my stuff prematurely. But if your health declines to the point you KNOW you won't ever dress again, I would think that's the time to do the final purge. Otherwise, if your wife get to the point where she won't be able to do your purge, would there be anybody else you could trust? If not, here's an idea somebody posted years ago (and maybe again more recently):
Put your things in a box, trunk, etc. and label it with a fictitious name and instructions from that "person" saying "Thanks for storing this for me - I'll let you know when I get situated and I'll give you a shipping address then." Or something like that.

[Beverley Sims]

I have seen a number of these threads and Nicole's suggestion of putting them in a box as if they were someone elses is a good idea that should not be overlooked.
Others have suggested a coming out letter, but this can only add to the grief and skeletons in the cupboard syndrome.

[Barbra P]

I’m 70 and as far as I know in relatively good health; heck at seventy we all have some problems. For me it is prostate (BPH), arthritis (so far a full knee replacement and a full shoulder replacement (not fun), Type II Diabetes although my A1C numbers are in the normal range, and lately back pain, learned the hard way while cleaning out the garage earlier this month – I can’t do all the bending and lifting that I used to do.

I have an older brother, who may suspect since he has commented on my polished toenails, and my ears are now pierced and I wear earrings. I don’t have any other blood relatives to worry about. I have no idea who my Wife may have told; I doubt that she has confided in anyone.

Right now I dress once a week and I look forward to those days. I dressed yesterday, talked with a neighbor woman, waved at another as she drove by, was seen by the man living next-door for what I think is the first time although his wife has chatted with Barbra and I can’t believe she hasn’t told him about me. I suspect most of the people on my street have seen me and I’ve walked my dog around the block and been seen by others. While I’m not telling everyone I know about Barbra I’m not going out of my way to hide her either.

If I were terminally ill and too far gone to enjoy dressing I would probably get rid of Barbra’s stuff, otherwise it stays until I’m gone. If I go before my Wife does then she can do what she wants with Barbra’s stuff, burn it, trash it, give to Good Will, I won’t care anymore.

Added: My two daughters know as do my two granddaughters that live with us.

[Jaylyn]

Put your things in a box, trunk, etc. and label it with a fictitious name and instructions from that "person" saying "Thanks for storing this for me - I'll let you know when I get situated and I'll give you a shipping address then." Or something like that.

I like what Nicole said now where did I leave that key to the trunk dang I'm getting forgetful.... Lol
I'm hoping I go before my wife but who knows definitely something to think about. Would definitely not want my family members to know of my or my wives sometimes questionable past. I would imagine lots of us have things in our past that some members of the family would find objectionable but mine actually might forgive my CD ing more than some of the crazier things I have done in my wild and crazy early in the 1960's. Any one have a trunk for sale it would have to be a big one.....

[Veronica27]

At 74, I am beginning to think about this a lot. My wife is the only person who knows, but I come from a very large family, and there is no one I feel confident that I could tell about this. The problem for me arises if I outlive my wife, or if we go together in an accident. The final purge would be the best solution, but only if I knew there was not much time left. A premature purge could be rather unpleasant if the desire and ability remains alive.

The box addressed to a fictitious person could cause questions when that person never surfaces. A tell all letter would have to be carefully composed, giving thought to the attitudes of the person who will end up reading it. I have been the executor for quite a few relatives, and realize that there are some unusual things that can be discovered about people after they pass on. In some ways, being discovered to be a crossdresser is not such a big deal compared to what else there might be.

In my mind, a carefully written note, stating that these are your things, and that they contributed to the fun and good times that you and your wife enjoyed over the years, might be the best approach. No need to go into explanations of being TG or what it all meant or imply that you are any different than anyone else, or "special" or "gifted" in any way. Even if that is how you feel, they might not understand. It was all just good healthy fun, and contributed to your longevity.

Veronica

[robindee36]

Suppose this is something we older girls should all be thinking about. Personally, I will now commit some brain power to consider this new issue. However, I am sure purge would not be very high up on the list of options. I just hate that behavior in myself so it is difficult to consider that I may, one day, need to do the final one.

Good luck Michelle. Will be thinking about your situation.

Hugs, Robin

[Miriam-J]

My wife and I have discussed this, but haven't acted yet. Our basic plan is to leave a sealed envelope with supplemental guidance with our executor (my sister) to open in the event of our demise. This envelope would contain revelations and instructions. We'll tell our kids to just stay out of the bedroom area until she can get here to deal with things.

We're sure she'd be cool with our secret anyway, but have intentionally kept the circle of knowing people small. Perhaps by the time it actually happens we could be even more open about it. Or maybe our kids will finally be mature enough to deal with it someday.

Miriam

[Tracii G]

Never really worry about it if my kids find my girl items when I'm gone it will be just be something else about me they don't know.

[Michelle55]

I don't worry about it as outside of an accident taking both my wife and me at the same time, my family and personal health history suggests at 58 I have 40 to 50 years ahead of me.

My dad is 104 (today!!) and although I've never seen him really dressed, I've seen enough items after my mother passed away to know he dresses too (she never wore breast forms that I saw in a drawer, etc.).

I don't know if my dad had made arrangements with my sister who lives across the street or if she even knows about his hobby. When he's gone I'll hurry down to "clean up". If she tries to run interference, then I will know she is aware and will take care of everything.

[Chickhe]

You know what?... does it really matter? So what if someone finds your stuff, are they really going to care much or even figure out what it is for? I mean, for example, I have dressed up for Halloween for the last 10 years and I have boxes of stuff...it this going to be a issue if it should be discovered? If you are on death's door or you even passed away, then why not let everyone discover your cache? In fact, is it not an advantage to the world's future to let people know about your life? ...my guess, the real issue you might be concerned about is that you don't have the opportunity to explain anything at that point!

[Lynn Marie]

I used to worry about this stuff too. I don't care any more. I'll be dead and they can think any darn thing they please. I hope they admire my killer wardrobe and feel that I was a pretty "classy old broad". If they choose to think anything else, then I'm glad I spiced up the rumor mill a little on my unplanned exit!

[NicoleScott]

You know what?... does it really matter?

Yes, if a person thinks it matters to them, it matters. And to the OP, it matters. It's the reason for the thread. There may be reasons, important to that person, for keeping the CDing private, which should be respected.

[Jackie7]

I agree with Tracii, it will give the kids another glimpse of the old man, and what do you care after you're gone?

[RADER]

My Wife was the only person that knew, now with her passing, My guess the kids will
have a different opinion of me when I pass.
I now resolve to stop counting birthdays.
Rader

[EllenJo]

Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn! LOL

My wife knows and if I should go before her then she will take care of it. Truth be known, she is in poor health now and I will probably out live her. In that case I really don't care. I will be dead and my daughter and stepson can find my stash and have a good laugh about their crazy old man. They can each keep what ever fits either one of them.

Hugs
Ellen Jo

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Michelle , Worrying about that is going to drive you to an early grave

[Alice Torn]

After passing out on my bicycle this week, and falling onto the street, I had better consider this, too. I could have been hrt badly, and stuck in a hospital or nursing home, without my cats, and certainly my brother , who is extremely unaccepting, would find it all. Good topic, friend!

[MissTee]

I think about this, too. Also, in my life I've learned there are greater threats than advancing age. Auto accidents, un-diagnosed health issues, plane crashes, freak accidents, and crime claim their fair share of victims just as suddenly. So, I think it wise that everyone have a game plan for the clothing. Oh, and don't tell me to "come out." That's not in the cards and I choose not to reveal. Respect that, please.

[Julie Gaum]

The OP caught my eye as I'm in a slightly different situation: After 57 years now alone and not yet 90. Coincidently, today I arranged for the local manager of the Salvation Army to visit me next week to list everything that they should pick up upon my passing. A copy will go to my attorney and executor whose name is listed at both the VA and a funeral home where my coffin is already paid for. When the time comes the few artifacts I have left are in my Will to go to relatives and the rest ---- furniture, mens and ladies clothes etc. will go to the S.A. No explanations needed. Then a 3000 mile flight back to Washington for a military burial in a plot also paid for. Not morbid as there are no nearby relatives to handle it. By the way, reconsider Good Will as they don't pass the 80% to needy recipients test. Have no life-threatening illnesses but have to plan ahead you know.
Julie

[Ineke Vashon]

Thanks Michelle, for a thought provoking post.

Thanks Julie, for some good suggestions. I'm coming up on 80, I have no family so no worries there. Whoever handles my modest estate can have a chuckle over what they find.

I am exploring body donation, either full body or tissue - I understand the selected organisation would pick up my body, handle paperwork, notify banks and/or whatever (still working on this) and eventual cremation at no cost to me. I'll leave an envelope with directions.

Ineke

[Rileyaz]

Funny. I told my mom (78 years old) that when she dies, I am going to place a big black dildo in her underwear drawer for my sister to find. She immediately said " Oh My God, I need to call her now and say 'if you find a big black dildo in my underwear drawer after I die, it's not mine!"

[bobbimo]

I also used to worry about my stash, But now I have more girl clothes than boy!
All my boy clothes are in a spare bedroom, and it kinda makes sense, since I only wear shorts, jeans, and tee shorts when in boy mode unless I am going out to an event.
I have one drawer with the everyday boy attire, and everything else is girls.
So with the exception of my wigs and forms, all of it would fit my wife, or could be hers if we both went together in a ball of fire.

And the older I get the less I worry about the stuff I would be embarrassed about in my youth. By the time I die cross dressing will be the norm and there we wont have anything to talk about here in the forum. :-)
Bobbi

[linda allen]

First, any of us could die before the day is out. Accident, heart attack, "terrorist" attack, etc. We don't have to be "old" to think of possibly passing.

If I am dead, I won't really care (or know) what people are thinking. If I am alive but incapacitated and in a hospital or nursing home, that's a bigger concern.

We all have our unique situations so there's no "one size fits all" solution. I haven't made any plans about what to do with my stuff. If my wife is around, she will take care of it, I don't have to ask. If we both go at the same time, I won't know or care what people think.

[Michelle123]

Thanks so much for all the great responses. I would like to clarify a couple of things though.
First....Right now, I am in relatively good health. I only have a few issues that come along with getting older.
Second...My real concern is not that I may suddenly die, but rather, that if I were to have a stroke, an accident, or something else that might put me in a hospital for a long period, or perhaps a nursing home one day. (hopefully that is a very long time from now, but you just never know).
And as we all know, when such a thing happens, the relatives start to "swoop in" and go through your things.
My biggest fear is having to face my loved ones after they have found out about my "other" life.
Mind you...I don't sit and dwell on this, but the thought comes to mind now and then, and I must tell you all, it does send a shiver down my spine. Perhaps I am overthinking this a bit, but knowing some members of my family as I do, I would hate to have to face them should they ever discover my secret.
I understand that many here have come out and are very happy and comfortable with their decision. I wish I could do that, but I just can't. The only two people who know about Michelle is my mother, and my wife, and they both accept it. My mother accepts me fully, and my wife accepts me rather reluctantly, but she does understand that this is a "need" that I must fulfill or I would be very unhappy.
And because of my wife's acceptance, I can keep some of my things that I wear most frequently in her drawers, but I have so much more in luggage that I keep in our closet. And it would be very easy to determine that these are not my wife's things. (shoe sizes, dress sizes, styles of the underclothes, etc.)
Anyway, to sum it up. My biggest fear is not that I should die suddenly, but rather that I would live and have to face the other members of my family after they discovered my secret.

[kimdl93]

Oh why worry....you could get hit by a truck tomorrow. Leave the relatives something interesting to talk about when you're gone!