Sad Reality Check

[FurPus63]

Even though I've had some really good experiences since I began my transition 16 months ago; every once in awhile something happens to remind me how being transsexual really does suck! To make a long story short, I'm trying to do some things to meet and make some new GG girlfriends. My only natural born girlfriend is my X-wife. Although I'm happy we can now be friends. She's the only one I can hang out with who's not trans.

In an attempt to increase my social circle of GG girls, I attempted to join a meetup group entitled "gal pals." It's a group of women who get together for socializing with each other. It's a local group in my area, and I thought it would be fun not only to join something which gives me an opportunity to make some new friends, but also as an attempt to show others that we transsexual women are "normal" people and are not "freaks" who should be feared.

I just got an email from the group leader stating that my request to join is being rejected. She stated even though they are a group of open-minded girls she didn't want my presence in the group to cause "drama." I am a professional counselor with a Masters Degree. I'm 50 years old. I'm not someone who is going to be creating drama. I don't understand exactly what she means. It sounds aweful prejuidice and clear discrimination.

I'm so hurt and angry by this. It's bad enough that men want nothing to do with us, but it's becoming more and more clear (all the GG women I know will talk to me on the phone, but will not socialize with me at all) that even women don't want anything to do with us!

I have been lucky to join a Church and sing in the Choir. I also recently joined a women's bowling league (I have not told anyone there I'm trans and if they've figured it out they haven't said anything, so far). I am grateful for these two things I have in my life and maybe I should be satisfied with it. However; nobody from the choir or the bowling league has ever gotten together with me privately for anything. I don't understand why I'm having such a difficult time making friends with people who aren't transgender/transsexual.

All my life I was labled a "freak" or "weido;" probably because of my effiminine behaviors and mannerisms. I've struggled with these issues all my life as a man. Even on my jobs as a counselor, I had a difficult time getting other counselors to socialize with me. I thought that would come to an end and/or at least improve now that I was living my life as a woman, and presenting my "true self" to others.

But it hasn't really gotten much better. Will surgery make a difference?When I know longer feel obligated or necessary to reveal myself as transsexual; will I finally be able to fit in with people, make and keep friends? Am I stuck and doomed to an existence where my only close social relationships are with other trans people? Will I ever fit in?

Paulette

[kimdl93]

That's very disappointing but not altogether surprising...as a counselor, you probably understand the depth of prejudices better than most. Are there other groups that might include more GG participants to consider? Our could you start your own? Besides my wife, my best GG friends are friends I made as business associates. It's a small circle, but I value quality over quantity.

I do have a question...do you always feel obligated to reveal that you're transgendered? I will acknowledge this, of course, but I don't volunteer the information...of course in my case it's fairly self evident.

Hope you get past this obstacle.

[Badtranny]

I think there's something deeper here than being trans, but being trans will definitely put you outside of the margins.

My first question is; Why do you feel it necessary to disclose your trans status? At 16 months I doubt it's a big mystery anyway, but SRS will not change anything in this regard. People will not be able to tell what you're packing down there.

I will add that if you were having trouble making friends 2 years ago, you will have the same trouble now unless you identify and repair that trouble. Transition DOES change things. I am far more outgoing now than I was as a dude, BUT I never had a problem making female friends. Making friends easily is something that requires only two things; Heart and Soul. People like me because I like them, so when you can get yourself to a place where you can honestly be interested in someone and care about them on a human level, then you will find that being reflected back to you.

You cannot be concerned about what they think of you, or if they like you or not. Be open honest and authentically interested in everyone you meet and you will eventually have plenty of friends.

[docrobbysherry]

Your post proves how far we have yet to go. Before folks think of us as women, or simply as regular people!

I'm sorry you're forced to be a trans pioneer, Paulette. When all most of us really want is be treated the same as everyone else. Without any of the "drama" your GG leader worries about!

[Persephone]

Melissa offers sage advice in her post.

When those things happen they hurt like an arrow shot between your ribs. I know. Despite my usual cheery nature I got shot with one last week.

On the other hand, I had one of my most wonderful accepting days last week too.

Consider this. As of a few minutes ago the world population was around 7,123,188,467 people, of which about 3,530,733,334, 3-billion, 530-million, 733-thousand, and 334 were female. Makes the one that rejected you seem pretty small.

Like Melissa wrote, "Be open honest and authentically interested in everyone you meet and you will eventually have plenty of friends."

I believe activities like your Church, choir, and bowling league are great places to start. Relax, just be one of the girls, and keep at it. And if those groups don't work out, look for others. Remember, there are approximately 3,530,733,334 women on the planet and you haven't yet met most of them.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[KellyJameson]

In general men and women approach relationships differently because men enjoy a certain autonomy not readily available to women.

For women group cohesiveness is usually more important so they can be "cliquish" and you see this with children where the girls will be more likely to tend and befriend but the boys want to be "top dog"

I have meet many woman who do not like to associate with women because they are all about social status and being part of the "clique" and the politics that come with it.

Look for woman who do not need to identify with the group but are independent free will thinkers.

These women are far more interesting to be friends with but they are in the minority so you will have to search them out.

The best way is through developing your own interests.

I'm very interested in cooking, music and poetry as the spoken word and by exploring my own interests I meet like minded people.

You want to look for people whose lives are not ruled by fear and these people always travel alone because being free of fear is "freeing" and opens the door to curiosity and self exploration.

When you approach a group of people and ask to be invited you have now made yourself subservient to the group so expose yourself to the groups values which may result in you being devalued.

There are many painful things that go with being transsexual but at least for me it has forced me to learn how to thrive outside of group inclusion and puts you squarely on the painful path to self actualization.

In my opinion it can weaken you to want or expect acceptance from people in the grip of "group think" which is 90% of the human beings walking around.

Most adults are still children acting very much like they did when they were in high school because they do not have the courage to stand on their own two feet and go it alone.

It is very easy to fall victim to your own sense of being "less than others" or inadequate in some way when you are transsexual.

Developing into an emotionally self sufficient human being independent of group acceptance will give you gifts that few people experience in life.

You want to live a life that empowers you and when you "need" acceptance from others you give away your power.

The more you take a passionate interest in your own life and what you can do with it the more others will be attracted to you.

[vikki2020]

Just one small group---don't let them influence your thinking! The next one might welcome you with open arms. I think you're doing fine, with the church group, and the bowling. New friends will come,especially when they get to see you--and not focus on the clothes. I will tell you that when I'm out dressed---the GG's are great! The girls in the stores I frequent have made me an honorary girlfriend,lol!

[sandra-leigh]

I moved to the city I am now in 21 years ago. In that time, my only social group that I have done anything with more than once has been the people in my CD social club, and one other couple that I know that had connections with the club but were never members. Ah, and one woman who moved away over 15 years ago.

At work, I was always the person whom people made social plans in front of... social plans that I had never been invited to or asked if I might have an interest in. They didn't seem to be the kind of people who would deliberately flaunt plans to make it clear that someone was rejected; either I "flew under everyone's radar" or else I somehow gave everyone the impression that I had my own circle of friends who kept me busy.

I figure I have nowhere to go except up. Not that I have a clue about where I will meet the people (maybe the kink community), but "he" was going backwards socially.

[FurPus63]

Thanks for your support.
Just to make some points and clear some things. I don't treat trans-girls badly. I have lots of trans girlfriends and aquaintances. I love them all and they are all very cool. I'm not ashamed of being transsexual. I am in a good place mentally. I love my life living 24/7 as woman. I think it's wonderful! My self esteem and self confidence are just fine. I am human though and rejection always hurts, especially when it's obvious the reason was specifically because I am trans. That's when I get down and feel bad (for a moment) about the whole transsexual thing. It sucks that we live in a society which sees us as being something less than the women we are. They assign gender to genitals and make it difficult for us who's genitals don't match what they think we should have. I usually DON'T tell anyone I'm a trans-girl unless they ask. However; on my meetup profile I felt it was a good thing to let people know "up-front" because I didn't want it becoming an issue later on.

I guess what this is about is the fact that as I get closer to surgery and the process of transition has brought me to the point where I feel I am passable as woman (although my avatar picture might not reflect this) and want to begin a new process, a new chapter of my transition if you will, of becoming a "whole and complete" woman. More on this later.

Paulette

[Leigh Wyndham]

Hey Paulette,

I guess my question would be why do you feel that you need to self- disclose to a social group? They may think you are TS,,, but they really don't know for sure. For most GG's would probably be too polite and nurturing to risk such a social transgression as to snub a woman who may have some questionable male indices. This is another reason I dislike "coming out" letters letters. They seem, to me, to scream, " HELLO WORLD,, LOOK AT ME,, HERE I AM." I won't elaborate on my opinion of CO letters any further because it is not the reason I post this. I hav escorted many( more than ten) Trans girls to their SRS and followed them into to their post-op integrations into society. Society and social situations will, more or less, will force most post-op women AND Men to conform to normative social preconceptions, such as voice, appearance and mannerisms over time. I know of only two of the post-op women, I did electrolysis on, who could not satisfactorily conform to those norms. They eventually returned to their former lives and really became happy that they did. One even reconciled and remarried their former spouses. I am by no means, remotely suggesting this is your lot in life. sixteen months post- transition is still a fairly short period of time. I think you will do just fine dear.

There are tons of other ways to integrate with women and you have already joined groups of women that will ultimately want to help you and fuss over you. After all honey, women as a whole, are collaborative and men are competitive. Why the hell anyone would want to be a male in the first place, Is beyond me,, but I love 'em,, Huh,, tis' a puzzlement. I would love to be your friend, however I am formerly trans.

[LaurenB]

Paulette,
I saw KellyJ's reply and couldn't agree more; she's always so insightful. For me developing female friendships is and has been a top priority. I am an avid gardener and that was my route to making new friends. Nurturing plants says many things about a person and particularly that although this woman is slightly different, she knows not to harm a living thing (in theory that is, I've killed many a plants in my life but not willingly). I will say that it takes lots of time and to be patient. At first it may seem awkward on both sides but if there's a common interest (ceramics, a class in refinishing furniture, whatever your passions are there are other women that like what you like), your wonderful personality will shine through. A few mistakes, a few laughs, a few cookies, a shared thought or emotion. It's what being a woman is all about. Don't give up.

[FurPus63]

Some of you might have read my post the other day entitled, "Sad Reality." Well tonight I had a wonderful experience and feel so much better! As I have mentioned I joined a ladies bowling league and as far as I know, nobody knows I'm trans, and if they do, they haven't said anything. I haven't said a word about it either. Anyway; I have enjoyed bowling with them the last two weeks, but tonight for the first time, I reaslly felt like I fit in.

We laughed and joked. A lot of the girls had a lot of really cool things to say, and I even have a new nickname. As the name of our team is the "original bitches" (yeah, totally cool name) the girls were joking with me that I'm as innocent as an angel. So they decided to call me, "angel bitch!" LOL! Hillarious! We laughed and I felt so cool. I never felt so accepted and loved. It was really cool!

Also; one of the ladies told me they can get me a job working at a flower shop! Wouldn't that be awesome!? I'm excited. I hope I get the job for real. I need the $$ bigtime. Oh and several women said they'd purchase some AVON from me, as I do work as an AVON represenative.

I guess as I stop and think about it. I am starting to fit in with other women; and I guess I was just feeling sorry for myself because I was turned down by that meetup group. I can't expect everyone and anyone to like me. That's unrealistic. So maybe my reality isn't as SAD as I thought!

Paulette

[TokyoLily]

Things are never as bad as they seem in your head. Sounds like you had a wonderful time. Good for you!

[Cynthia Anne]

Wow Angel bitch, that is a beautiful story! I'm happy for you!!!

[Persephone]

Oh wow! Way better today!

So great!

Hugs,
Persephone.

[traci_k]

Nice to hear of good experiences. So happy for you.
Thanks for sharing!
Hugs,

[Rileyaz]

What a bitch!

[kimdl93]

That's progress! It takes time. Hope the flower shop job turns out..(although I've been watching Boardwalk Empire...and might be concerned that the shop is a front for gangsters running hooch!)

BTW! Angle bitch reminds me of Lonesome Dove...Wilbur Call's horse was named 'Hell Bitch'.

[Chickhe]

You should not have told the group about your status because you are making it out to be a significant issue. You are saying...I want to join your woman's group, but I am not a woman, I am mostly one, but I want special recognition, I want you to act like I am one. ...you should have joined as a woman then live up to the expectations they make on all members, that way you should earn respect and they have to put in the effort to show you are not a fit for their group... they might not like it, but they can't really kick you out of a public group without a backlash, half of the woman are not going to support that kind of behaviour. The problem with the approach you took is that nobody in the group knows what happened....except what the leader tells them.

[StephanieC]

Well, I'm quite a bit more outgoing now than I used to be. I still have some self-confidence issues in certain circumstances though.

I never describe myself as trans anything. I'm me, not a label.