Go with what your wife says......

[~Joanne~]

I was reading another thread and one of the girls replied with "Go with what your wife says......having her on board with your dressing, we should all be so lucky".

Now, I am not disagreeing with this statement because having an SO that accepts, supports, and encourages our dressing is a rare find indeed. I also wish we all could be this lucky in our day to day lives BUT at the same time I also found the statement perplexing.

I have a very supportive SO, She has given me the freedom to explore this at will without any compromises or restrictions, She has never said I couldn't go out if I wanted to go out, and she loves shopping with me as much as I love shopping with (and for) her.

I never once thought that any of us this "lucky" though had (supportive, encouraging, accepting or somewhat accepting) SO's say "you can't buy these because....

1. They are out of style
2. She personally didn't like the look
3. She thought it wasn't age appropriate

I understand that a lot of us are compromising to try to be who it is that we are. If that works in your relationship, that's great but at the same time, is it a bit too much to be told what to buy and what not to buy?

So here are a few questions.......

1. Do you feel you are being true to yourself by letting your SO pick your style of dress? your wig? or your makeup?

2. Are you truly dressing for yourself or playing dress up at some point?

3. Has anyone ever agreed to this as part of their compromise?

4. Are you willing to NOT try something that you have always wanted to try just because your SO says that you shouldn't? ( this question is for inside your own home, not outside)

5. How important to your dressing is your SO's input in general?

A few for the GG's ONLY

1. Do you limit articles because you want your SO to be the best she can be or does it run deeper as "I couldn't wear it so she shouldn't wear it)?

2. How important to you is the current style or trend for your SO?

3. How important is it to you to have the input into your SO's clothing choices to find her CDing acceptable?

4. Have you ever said "No, You can buy or wear that" and what was it.

[linda allen]

When my wife and I are shopping she will sometime pick out things for me. I may say "yes", I may say "no". If I see something I like, I will often hold it up and say "Is this me?" She will answer "It could be." or "I don't think so." I take her advice. I am slowly learning (after wasting a bunch of money) that things that look great on the hanger may not look so great on me.

My wife has had a lifetime of experience in picking out female clothing. I have not.

[~Joanne~]

I think that is slightly different from what I was looking for Linda ;) Asking if something looks good or not, My SO and I do that. She will even pick things out and say "This is Joanne" which I may agree or not agree with. I am thinking along the lines of SO's that dictate what their SO's can and can not wear as a term of their dressing and such.

[Allison Quinn]

1. Do you feel you are being true to yourself by letting your SO pick your style of dress? your wig? or your makeup?
My girlfriend doesn't control what I wear, but at the same time she helps me pick things out that would work better. Realistically she has more experience then I do with it so I rather love her help

2. Are you truly dressing for yourself or playing dress up at some point?
Dressing for myself!

3. Has anyone ever agreed to this as part of their compromise?
Before my girlfriend knew how important things like this were to me, yes i had compromises but they never lasted and I always ended up breaking them. I felt horrible for breaking them, but we don't need them anymore.

4. Are you willing to NOT try something that you have always wanted to try just because your SO says that you shouldn't? ( this question is for inside your own home, not outside)
It used to be this way for me too. I was trying to force myself to not do things, but quite honestly again it doesn't work. The need to crossdress never left even though I tried to make it go away so suppressing it was harmful.
5. How important to your dressing is your SO's input in general?
Very! I would never have become as happy as I am today without her input

[Sandra]

A few for the GG's ONLY

1. Do you limit articles because you want your SO to be the best she can be or does it run deeper as "I couldn't wear it so she shouldn't wear it)?

2. How important to you is the current style or trend for your SO?

3. How important is it to you to have the input into your SO's clothing choices to find her CDing acceptable?

4. Have you ever said "No, You can buy or wear that" and what was it.

1 There is no limit here and it definitely isn't "I couldn't wear it so she shouldn't wear it" she wears what she wants.

2 Style or trend doesn't matter so long as she feels comfy then that all that matters.

3 Not important to me, I will offer advice if asked for though.

4 Yes she once held a dress up that to be honest my mum would have worn, it was just to old for her.

[Di]

1. Do you limit articles because you want your SO to be the best she can be or does it run deeper as "I couldn't wear it so she shouldn't wear it)?

2. How important to you is the current style or trend for your SO?

3. How important is it to you to have the input into your SO's clothing choices to find her CDing acceptable?

4. Have you ever said "No, You can buy or wear that" and what was it.

1. NEVER limit ....and want her to be her best so might make suggests.....:D
2. We also talk about whats the new style trend BUT only take what we might like ( lol I still wear gypsy skirts cause I love them...do not care if in style or not)
3. We both are honest and want each other too look our best......so input on both sides BUT if either want loves a certain style...like me and my gypsy skirts:heehee:
It always has been acceptable:D
4. Never would say NO but then she would never say NO to me either.

[sandra-leigh]

My wife still gets bursts of feeling embarrassed to be seen with me, especially if I am wearing something she doesn't think looks good, or if my hair is out of place.

Sometimes it is that my wife is worried about me being put down or attacked if I look "messy" or out-of-place (including clothes that she feels do not go well together.)

[MatildaJ.]

Joanne, have you seen instances when a woman said CDing was okay but only if the woman got to control the clothing choices? I haven't seen that happen, just a lot of advice to consider the SO's opinion, not to take it as the absolute law.

[Stephanie47]

I don't see anything different with a woman making suggestions or stronger than a man telling his wife what looks good or not on her. I've run into many more men who dictate what their wives and girlfriends may wear. Basically, the same standards apply in a marriage whether addressing the attire of a man or a woman. In the stores I frequent I see many more women who have a good sense of fashion than guys.

[ReineD]

A few for the GG's ONLY

1. Do you limit articles because you want your SO to be the best she can be or does it run deeper as "I couldn't wear it so she shouldn't wear it)?

2. How important to you is the current style or trend for your SO?

3. How important is it to you to have the input into your SO's clothing choices to find her CDing acceptable?

4. Have you ever said "No, You can buy or wear that" and what was it.

My only concern is for my SO to look realistic and not like an overblown CDer. Not that my SO is like that by any means, but when I look at some of the pics in the Gallery or Avatars, if I were the wife I would not want to go out with my husband looking like a tart, or some overgrown schoolgirl, or a middle aged person who is trying way too hard to look like a woman in her 20s.

That said, personal styles vary. My SO tends to dress up one or two notches above what most women wear in their day-to-day lives (I'm not talking about going out to a gala evening or anything), and this is my SO's choice. Although I do like and I wear stylish clothes, I prefer to not overdress for the venue (I feel awkward when I do), and this is my choice.

Only once did my SO ask my advice on a dress that I thought was a bit too flouncy for her age. And I told her the truth although not in a way to be insulting. I told her that I much preferred another dress on her and I told her why.

And only once did I suggest that my SO not wear something. She had on tight and form fitting pants that were close to being leggings, paired with a top that went to the hip, and with her hip & butt pads it made her look as if she had an unrealistically large bootie (compared to usual female waist to hip ratios). I suggested that she should buy hip pads that weren't protruding quite as much, to wear with those pants.

And no. Not once, ever, did I feel that my SO could wear things that I could not wear. I can get inserts for bras and butt pads too if I want to. :)

[Beverley Sims]

I am happy to obtain experienced advice, I do dress for myself and my wife.
I will try something out if I think it will look good.
You do have to experiment.
I respect my SO's input and encourage her to do so.

[Marcelle]

Hi Joanne. Here is my take on your questions:

1. Do you feel you are being true to yourself by letting your SO pick your style of dress? your wig? or your makeup?

My wife and I always discuss what I am going to wear/buy and her input is valued but at the end of the day, Isha has the final say. Now, I will caveat this by saying that my wife is normally right and has toned down a desire of Isha's to dress a little age inappropriate. So even if I heed her advice on this front, I don't feel I am being untrue to myself just pragmatic . . . a second opinion is always a good thing.

2. Are you truly dressing for yourself or playing dress up at some point?

I would like to think I am dressing for myself and as I begin to find a look that works for me I think it will be more and more "me dressing for me". Right now it is a little "dress-up" as I am trying different looks to see what works. Isn't the fun part though? :battingeyelashes:

3. Has anyone ever agreed to this as part of their compromise?

My wife and I have a contract in that I am free to dress as I please, when I please but I can't go crazy and spend the farm on clothes. So in a way a compromise was struck in that we needed to find a wardrobe that worked on all levels.

4. Are you willing to NOT try something that you have always wanted to try just because your SO says that you shouldn't? ( this question is for inside your own home, not outside)

Not really sure on this one. I don't have anything in mind unless you are alluding to some fantasy play (i.e., naught French maid, sexy librarian). :heehee: It would depend on how vehement my SO is on the subject. I will pick the hill I die on and dressing up as a sexy schoolgirl just because when I know it will make her mad is not the hill.

5. How important to your dressing is your SO's input in general?

Very important . . . Heck it is important even when I am in guy mode. Never hurts to have a second sober thought before launching out the door in the latest and greatest "femme" or "boy".

Hugs

Isha

[kimdl93]

1. My wife makes suggestions...and she's had a lot more experience being a woman than I have, so I take her advice very seriously!

2. What has this got to do with the price of tea in China? How is "just dressing up" different from "truly dressing for yourself" the question implies that the two are mutually exclusive, and far as I can tell, that is not the case.

3. By "this" you mean, letting your SO make suggestions? I doubt most relationships are quite so "black and white".

4. Again, do you think the SO is the enemy of self expression? And from what you know of CDrs, have you been impressed by their self restraint? Frankly, I think CDrs are more likely to err on the side of going farther than their SO would like, rather than the contrary.

5. SO means significant other...one would hope that the input of a significant other would be quite important.

[linda allen]

My wife and I are adults and treat each other as such. We don't "dictate" what the other can or cannot do or wear. It's called "respect".

[CD_blue]

1. Do you feel you are being true to yourself by letting your SO pick your style of dress? your wig? or your makeup?

My SO picks out some stuff for me to wear as she buys me stuff for gifts (and makes me jewelery which is great). If something looks bad she tells me because I want her to tell me. I do the same for her. She doesn’t want me to dress out in public like I am a hooker to which I completely agree.

2. Are you truly dressing for yourself or playing dress up at some point?
I dress for myself.

3. Has anyone ever agreed to this as part of their compromise?
Agreeing to let her decided everything I wear? No, that would take away from big portion of what I like/fun with it all. I like to go shopping for clothes. We actually pick suggest different things for each other.

4. Are you willing to NOT try something that you have always wanted to try just because your SO says that you shouldn't? ( this question is for inside your own home, not outside)

I never been in this situation. It would be pretty over the top to not get her acceptance at this point as I have done pretty much everything I wanted. It would be so out there that truthfully I would likely understand haha.

5. How important to your dressing is your SO's input in general?
It is very important. I honestly never encountered problems and all input has been pretty much positive. As soon as I told her about it her first response was “want to go to the bedroom and try on my skirt?”

If there ever came time she became unhappy about something I would want her to tell me. There were couple things that came up she was uncertain about but we talked about it and she gave me her reasons why. She still wanted me to try it as it is big part of who I am and she wanted to see so she would know how she actually “did” feel about it. I got lucky on all fronts as nothing came up as a problem.

Its all about communication and compromise for both parties imho.

[MatildaJ.]

Look back at the original thread that sparked this discussion,
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?201863-Nooooo!-Are-Platform-Pumps-Really-Dead-Tell-Me-it-Isn-t-so!!!

>> If you follow my posts, our thing (OK, mainly my thing, but she indulges me because her shoe wardrobe grows apace) is to buy the same shoes in her size and mine. After the last round of purchases, she has put a dagger in my heart...According to her, platforms are dead, in favor of the flat sole stilettos of the 80's and early 90's. She said that if I am to purchase more shoes for us, I had better get with the times. >>

Shibumi is buying matching shoes (two of each kind, one for Shibumi and one for her wife). And apparently since last December, she has bought 30 pairs of shoes, or perhaps including the ones for her wife, that makes 60 pairs (it's not clear). Now the wife doesn't want any more money spent on platform heels, particularly for herself. Shibumi could stop buying them matching shoes, but if that game continues, would anyone say the wife is overstepping her boundaries, in discussing what shoes she wants for herself?

[CD_blue]

I didn't know the thread before posting but...

No I don't think it's overstepping (in the least) since we are talking about matching shoes from my understanding... I got shoes my SO wouldn't want personally and she has some I wouldn't want. Matter of fact I don't think she would want pair of shoes in my avatar picture with her.

BTW I am the one with the big feet :D

[~Joanne~]

Thank you all for the replys so far :) This wasn't a test, Just some random thoughts turned questions and I enjoyed reading the responses.


Joanne, have you seen instances when a woman said CDing was okay but only if the woman got to control the clothing choices?

No, not usually with the clothing though I am sure some SO's loathe the choices we make lol it usually comes down to a wig or makeup. I have seen where they don't mind the clothes but either of those two push it past the point of what she was willing to accept.

So, you can say that she is controlling the sister's level of dress in a way and that if she does wear a wig or makeup she may lose the support she once had with her SO.

This thread though isn't about seeing who is controling or has a controling SO, they were just some random thoughts I had reading that one response that had me question a few things about all of this and I thought it would make for an interesting thread rather than what color panties are you wearing ;)


Look back at the original thread that sparked this discussion,
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?201863-Nooooo!-Are-Platform-Pumps-Really-Dead-Tell-Me-it-Isn-t-so!!!

That is the original thread :) you get a A+ for actually going to look for it.

Seriously though, This post wasn't, and isn't, about her wife's desire for less pairs of platform shoes. I agree with her that 30 pairs are probably plenty and that different styles would be a nice change for BOTH of them ;)

It was about a reply, where the quote directly above came from, that implied, but it wasn't in stone, that to keep your SO's continued support (and whatever else it protains to) you should always do or wear what it is that she wants of you or that you might lose that said support as a CD.

these were just spin off questions that were bouncing in my head after reading the thread and to be polite and not hijack the thread, I just started this one to get opinions from my sisters and their SO's in general. there are no right or wrong answers ;)

[ReineD]

Joanne, in the post above mine you said:

"No, not usually with the clothing though I am sure some SO's loathe the choices we make lol it usually comes down to a wig or makeup. I have seen where they don't mind the clothes but either of those two push it past the point of what she was willing to accept.

So, you can say that she is controlling the sister's level of dress in a way and that if she does wear a wig or makeup she may lose the support she once had with her SO."





I don't see that as control at all. The CDer is either free to respect his wife's boundaries, or not. Couples have all sorts of boundaries that they need to negotiate. One likes to fall asleep with the television or radio on, while the other does not. One prefers to eat dinner at 8 PM while the other prefers 5 PM. One likes to have things put away while the other prefers to have things strewn about, at easy reach. Successful couples reach compromises on all these things, including how much a wife is willing to see her husband dressed as a woman. If she does not feel comfortable seeing the wig and makeup, then he can wear these things when the wife is not present.

[suchacutie]

I enjoy the support of my wife in all matters but that does not mean tacet agreement. Support could mean disagreement or at least pointing outwhere a ddifficulty or fault may lie. We also respect each other's judgment so if one of thinks a pair of shoes or a dress or a style of makeup is not stylish or flattering we'll say something and that will initiate a reassessment. It's called trust and love and extends beyond our gender issues. Tina trusts my wife's judgment and has never regretted it. We rely upon each other to watch our backs.

For example, if one of tells the other that theimakeup needs work, it's said not maliciously but with loving concern. That's why they are significant. :)

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Hi everyone. I'm intrigued my post sparked a spinoff! I thought I should clarify a few things:

1. The original post was tongue in cheek. My wife, bless her, has come to enjoy part of my CD activities, and has been very indulgent. She follows fashion closely (she is a Latina, and watches Spanish language channels where such topics are often discussed) and there was a segment on changing styles of heels. Incidentally, I love watching those programs with her, because now she asks my opinion of what the gals are wearing--something she never would have done before last December. To me it warms my heart as another sign of acceptance.

2. When she said it, she was being playful. She liked all the shoes from this past round except for one, which I will post next week. When she made the comment about getting with the times if I wanted to buy her shoes, I asked her if she wanted some pointy toe pumps. She replied that she had too many already, some of which she has not had the opportunity to wear out, so I had better take her out more often, to wear the ones she has, before buying more. Fair comment! I will do so; I love to see her dressed up. Then she said she (we) had enough shoes for now.

3. She's right. I have about 30 pair, but in common we have about 10. That's enough for now. In the same timeframe, I have purchased her about 10 other pair that are uniquely hers...she has chosen probably 7 of those, and 3 I bought for her because I thought she would like them when saw a killer deal online. Examples are strappy Steve Madden espadrille wedges, Donald J Pliner boots, and some pretty flats. Those weren't purchased thinking of me (not my style) but of her. So far, of the 20 or so I have purchased for her, she has sent back only one.

4. Money's not an issue. We've talked about how much it costs, and in her amazing way, she said that this "hobby", as she refers to it, is far preferable and less expensive than if I had a mistress, substance abuse, or gambling problem. It may have delayed the Harley purchase for a year, but with little kids we wouldn't have many opportunities to ride now anyway. My wife is a girly girl, and loves shoes. She is starting to realize there are some benefits to a CD husband with decent taste (I've never been into stripper heels), someone with whom she can shop and ask opinions--and get valid answers.

I'd love to get to the point that Reine and her SO are, but that is way off in the future. I'd be thrilled if she participated in the shopping process for me (with me), something she has yet to do. She has purchased some matching silk robes and some hose for us, but that's it. One day...

For us, it's not really an issue of her controlling how I dress. If you follow my posts, an important part of my fantasy is us (at least from the waist down) looking alike. I think what she is saying is that if I do buy her more things to achieve this, that I make sure they are in fashion so she can wear them openly. I'm hoping to have her make the selection next time around, knowing that I will buy both sizes. She had three pair of heels I bought for her last Winter for formal events, which I matched months later when they were on closeout, but we have never purchased a pair "together" and that would be special for me, not sure why.

Thanks for all the thought provoking comments, and to you Joanne for the spinoff post.

Shibumi

[heatherdress]

Happy wife, happy life.

[ReineD]

I'd love to get to the point that Reine and her SO are, but that is way off in the future.

It's not just me, it's all the other GG mods and admins here, plus quite a few GG members. :)

But in my case, here's the secret for all of you who are single:

As soon as sparks fly big time between you and a GG, TELL HER!!!! She will be so in love with you that you will do no wrong! LOL.

All was not roses, however. We did have some major downs along the way and our relationship was very fragile for awhile. But, it's all OK now. It takes a lot of communication, a lot of willingness to make it work, and a lot of stretching BOTH ways. :)

[kimdl93]

Reine's advice has a sound biological basis. Hormones are released by male and female like to help cement a new relationship. We experience it as intense, giddy romantic time when bonds are formed. The period seems to last about 1 to 2 years. Then the hormonal influence fades. So, from a biological standpoint it's better to come out early on.

[Nikki A.]

When my wife was alive, she was accepting but not approving. But I asked for her advise on what looked good on me or what didn't. I now have a store owner friend that is at least honest with me with what looks and fits right although the final decision is mine. I also have a much better idea of what I like or don't like.