Reasons for 'Coming Out'

[Debi]

I have been dressing since I was REALLY young and as I get older, it becomes a bigger and bigger part of my life. I really feel quite strongly that the only way that the 'T-community' will become more and more accepted is if we are seen and/or if it is KNOWN that we are T-girls (to what ever degree that is for all of us). I am sick and tired of being worried about having residual traces of make up (especially eye liner - you can always tell!) and also, why not just be blooming' honest about who we are?

To that end, I am seriously considering coming out to all of my close friends. My true friends are intelligent, lovely people and a handful of them already know. Without exception, I have so far had a completely positive response which has surprised me. I have even been told a couple of times that this just makes me even more interesting as a friend, which is a lovely thing to say. Plucking up the courage to do this is a big thing for all of us and I wondered what motivating reasons other girls had had for coming out to friends.

[Kate Simmons]

As far as coming out, if you think your life is going to improve by doing it, I say definitely go for it. :battingeyelashes::)

[Jaylyn]

Some like me have more reasons to not come out, but you do make some strong points for bing out.

[kimdl93]

Coming out is an intensely personal decision. I didn't come out to show solidarity with the trans community, although I am supportive and I agree that each step out into the open helps move us closer towards general acceptance. I came out for more selfish reasons. I wanted to be myself at home and out in the community. I didn't want to change clothes each time I needed to run an errand and I didn't want to hide myself from my loved ones any longer.

That being said, I understand the security and control afforded by a closeted existence.

[PretzelGirl]

I agree with Kim. This is something that each person has to decide at a personal level and not do for the community. The more of us that do it, the better for the community. But that doesn't mean everyone should fall on their sacrificial sword either. I did it as I just wanted to live life without the hiding and worrying. I am not out to everyone, but to most. It actually makes me feel more free and unencumbered. To each their own!

[Debi]

Just to be clear ... I would never suggest coming out, just so that we can be militant 'Transists'! That is NOT my motivating reason.

[Lynn Marie]

Trust me, not everyone will embrace the new you.

[divamissz]

Come out because you want to share an important part of your life with your friends.
Come out because you want to be honest about who you are.
Come out because you aren't ashamed of this part of your life.
Come out because you want to stop worrying about "what if?"
Come out because you want to stop worrying about if you missed something.
Come out because you want to express yourself, when you want to, anywhere you want to, without fear.

Come out for yourself, not for others.

[Debi]

Can I steer this thread back on track... with deep respect, this is not about me asking if I SHOULD come out and what the potential impact would be.
For those that HAVE come out ... what were your motivating reasons? Obviously if you were transitioning, you didn't have a choice, but for others who are on the CD/TV end of the spectrum, what was your drive?

divamissz .. You may have covered all the bases there :)

[Tracii G]

Do it for yourself if that is what you want.

[Frédérique]

I really feel quite strongly that the only way that the 'T-community' will become more and more accepted is if we are seen and/or if it is KNOWN that we are T-girls (to what ever degree that is for all of us).

The problem is, I don’t FEEL like a T-girl, nor do I wish to be one, so why go out and try to gain acceptance for something everybody insists I am, yet I am most assuredly NOT? Besides, I am not now, nor have I ever been, pushy. I feel quite strongly about that...
:straightface:

[kimdl93]

Can I steer this thread back on track... with deep respect, this is not about me asking if I SHOULD come out and what the potential impact would be.
For those that HAVE come out ... what were your motivating reasons? Obviously if you were transitioning, you didn't have a choice, but for others who are on the CD/TV end of the spectrum, what was your drive?

keeping a discussion on point can be a bit like herding cats. For the record, I gave my reasons why I came out. And I noted my respect those who have no such need.

[Brooklyn]

Once I had finally accepted the way I am and was going out more frequently, I couldn't keep living in secrecy, lies, and fear of being discovered. It was a matter of integrity and being myself. But I started with close friends and family, then began to open up to other people when I felt comfortable or needed to clear things up. It's never a complete process, and I still don't come out to people who obviously can't handle it. There ARE consequences: some good, some bad. I also agree that you can't be in the closet and then complain about social acceptance.

[Beverley Sims]

If you present well that is half the battle.
I did present well and I had friends who would out me because they were impressed with my appearance.
If you ar fortunate do it carefully but if you are just going with your heart think long before you do go out.

[Michelle789]

I'm on the fence on a lot of things too, including whether or not to come out to any friends. I think whether we should come out or not depends on how often we feel the need to express ourselves. If we feel a need to dress and express ourselves frequently, coming out may be inevitable, especially since life happens and we can't control everything so we can CD in private, sometimes we're forced to get out there and face the world. Life isn't always smooth and not everything can be dealt with on the telephone or online, sometimes we have to actually go out and deal with life in the presence of other people, sometimes for extended periods of time.
I'm literally at that crossroads where my desire to dress is becoming much stronger, and I'm realizing I can't hide inside my house and that life inevitably will ask us to interact with people. (This is being single with no kids) I'm also realizing that one never knows what circumstances may unfold, and sometimes we may be faced with a life circumstance that presents us a choice: don't CD (because we'll have to interact with people that we're not out to), or come out to those people and tackle life while en femme....such a circumstance could be a last minute short emergency, or something that may last for weeks or months or years. Which path we takes depends on how strong the desire to express the female side is.

[Lorileah]

so why go out and try to gain acceptance for something everybody insists I am, yet I am most assuredly NOT?

Every minority in the world thanks you for your support. I will reference Martin Niemoller (again)



First they came for the communists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a communist.

Then they came for the socialists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a socialist.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for me,
and there was no one left to speak for me.


But then who cares if someone is being discriminated against?

Why did I come out? Because I was tired of having to hide who I am. Because I didn't like how people treated those who are different. Because when you get to a point, you find out it isn't all that important to please others but more important to please yourself, to live your life happily. As someone above pointed out, I did it for ME (the selfish witch that I am)

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

I've dressed most of my life since I was around 12. In a nasty divorce the ex decided to out me even to my children who are okay with it. I'm sure many know about me but it never comes up in discussion. I feel that there is no need for anyone else to know. And I don't give a rat's *** today if anyone knows. I just hold my head high in confidence. I did tell some past GG friends because it felt liberating, and I feel I can trust them. All have been very kind and I can express myself talking with them. If anything they have been kinder and accepting me as one of them. If I were to completely transition, which I have no plans to do, it would be a different reason to fully come out.

Cheryl

[Marcelle]

Can I steer this thread back on track... with deep respect, this is not about me asking if I SHOULD come out and what the potential impact would be.
For those that HAVE come out ... what were your motivating reasons? Obviously if you were transitioning, you didn't have a choice, but for others who are on the CD/TV end of the spectrum, what was your drive?

divamissz .. You may have covered all the bases there :)

Hi Debi,

I have only recently come out to a few select people in my family (wife, sister) and a few work colleagues and friends. I am not transitioning and will remain male though I do have a desire to allow Isha to see the daylight as well . . . so clearly rooted in the CD world.

In answer to your question . . . Why did I come out? I had no option as emotionally, I was for lack of a better word "broken". I had taken great lengths to be as manly as I could be and I was turning into a very, very, very bad person. I knew about my CD tendencies and hid them. But something just broke and my wife was there when it happened . . . so I told her.

So the initial outing was motivated by a need to remove a huge weight from my soul. However, as I explore Isha (and she can be force of nature sometimes), I am more motivated to integrate and accept the two halves of my soul (the femme and male side).

Hugs

Isha

[Veronica27]

Every minority in the world thanks you for your support. I will reference Martin Niemoller (again)


But then who cares if someone is being discriminated against?

Why did I come out? Because I was tired of having to hide who I am. Because I didn't like how people treated those who are different. Because when you get to a point, you find out it isn't all that important to please others but more important to please yourself, to live your life happily. As someone above pointed out, I did it for ME (the selfish witch that I am)

The problem with comparing the Niemoller quote with the trans community is that the quote states "they came for". In most western societies, nobody is coming for the minorities, but rather, it is the minorities that have been on the offensive in gaining recognition. That message has far more relevance in places like the middle east and parts of Africa where human rights are routinely trampled upon in the name of religion.

[Lorileah]

The problem with comparing the Niemoller quote with the trans community is that the quote states "they came for".

OK let me restate that "They made me sit in the back of the bus, they kept me from using a restroom or made me use one I was afraid to be in or uncomfortable in, they didn't pay me like they paid a "man", they kept me from marrying my life partner, they fired me because I wore a skirt, they denied me healthcare, should I go on. Don't take it so damn literal. The point is that if you don't stand for something you will fall for anything. How about I quote Robert Kennedy (although there is some debate that he quoted someone else) "If not me; who? If not now;when?" It is all fine when you aren't the one being subjugated. Or you can hide out in your closet.

So why should more come out? Well someday someone you know will be somehow put down because you didn't stand up. Take it from someone who really bought the dogma of the 60's and who didn't sell out in the 80's.

(Sorry for that side track)

[Sonya]

. I also agree that you can't be in the closet and then complain about social acceptance.

I strongly agree with this as well.

[I Am Paula]

Trust me, not everyone will embrace the new you.

Funny, everyone embraced the new me!

[kimdl93]

That's just because you're so embraceable. Not all of us are ;)

[I Am Paula]

I just wrote that because, often, somebody comes up with an upbeat thread, full of enthusiasm, or crosses a milestone, or wins a Nobel prize, and one person will say- ya, but you'll get run over on your way home.

[Debi]

keeping a discussion on point can be a bit like herding cats. For the record, I gave my reasons why I came out. And I noted my respect those who have no such need.

Kim ... TOTAL respect to you ... You are one of the people who I have a lot of time for on this forum... that comment was NOT angled at you x


I just wrote that because, often, somebody comes up with an upbeat thread, full of enthusiasm, or crosses a milestone, or wins a Nobel prize, and one person will say- ya, but you'll get run over on your way home.

Ain't that the truth?

x

[Veronica27]

OK let me restate that "They made me sit in the back of the bus, they kept me from using a restroom or made me use one I was afraid to be in or uncomfortable in, they didn't pay me like they paid a "man", they kept me from marrying my life partner, they fired me because I wore a skirt, they denied me healthcare, should I go on. Don't take it so damn literal. The point is that if you don't stand for something you will fall for anything. How about I quote Robert Kennedy (although there is some debate that he quoted someone else) "If not me; who? If not now;when?" It is all fine when you aren't the one being subjugated. Or you can hide out in your closet.

So why should more come out? Well someday someone you know will be somehow put down because you didn't stand up. Take it from someone who really bought the dogma of the 60's and who didn't sell out in the 80's.

(Sorry for that side track)

Niemoller, a pastor, was referring to a situation than was totally different than the quest of the TG community to gain acceptance. He was originally a supporter of the Nazis, and did not rebel against them until they began to attack the churches. The Nazis were involved in the literal elimination of their political and ideological opponents, and Niemoller was imprisoned until the end of the war. The TG community in the western world is not facing anything remotely similar to that which the Nazis were subjecting millions of people. In the big picture, freedom is what is at stake, and unless the electorates in the western democracies remain vigilant, another Hitler could one day emerge. In that event, transgender rights would be meaningless.

You list a number of apparent injustices, but to some extent these were a uniquely American situation. In Canada, as elsewhere, I am not aware of anyone being required to ride in the back of the bus, or not allowed to use a washroom. If you are referring to the use of the women's washroom by TG individuals, you have to bear in mind that segregated washrooms by "sex" has become a societal custom and the issue is more complex than simply using the room of your choice. To me, it is extremely insensitive to not consider the personal feelings of anyone on this issue. The women's movement was an evolutionary change in much the same way as the industrial revolution. Cultural needs were changing as technology brought about improvements in our way of life. Women were not subjugated any more than were men. Each sex had their responsibilities and in many respects, the men had less freedom than the women.

But all of this has little to do with the topic. What would my coming out do for anybody else. To me, crossdressing is primarily a private matter. Coming out would be a contradiction of my beliefs and approach to crossdressing. Why should I allow myself to be bullied by comments such as "hiding out in my closet"

Veronica

[UNDERDRESSER]

Divamissz has covered most of the bases I think. Victoria, you don't have to come out if you don't want to. It's not for everyone.

Me? I have only come out, to the extent of saying, "I'm a crossdresser" to one person, my GF. For me, it was necessary, I thought that this was going to be an important relationship, and it was only had a chance of working with total honesty.

I felt that if it couldn't work like that, then it was best not to start. I was also pretty damn certain that even if it turned her off, that she wouldn't out me.

As it happens, coming out to her, and being able to be myself around someone, has helped me define some of what drives me. These days I feel very little urge to mimic a woman, but feel a need to dress as a man, but in different ways. Skirts mostly. With the total acceptance of my SO, I am slowly letting others see me like this, I want to be able to just go out dressed as I want. I know I can, do this, but getting the nerve to deal with the reactions is giving me trouble. You could call this "coming out," I suppose, and the reason for it is that I just want to go out like that.

Very glad I told her.

[vikki2020]

Somehow, I feel a little stronger,with every person that knows. If it works for you, it will make life that much easier.

[5150 Girl]

Closet girls live in fear of getting caught. Put it out there and that stress is released. Put it out there early in a relationship and you avoid a potential bad scene after an emotional attachment has been formed. Which brings me to the one con. (and it's a big one) There are a lot of closed minded people out there.

[Jacqueline Winona]

To me, crossdressing is primarily a private matter. Coming out would be a contradiction of my beliefs and approach to crossdressing. Why should I allow myself to be bullied by comments such as "hiding out in my closet"

Veronica

Strong post, Veronica- I clipped your quote not because I disagree with anything you say but because this part resonates the most for me (and many others). We all do this for our own reasons, and mine are as personal as yours. I'll still support everyone who wants to dress for different reasons regardless of why I choose to do this.