Yesterday post cont.

[I Am Paula]

A few weeks ago I mentioned that every time you announce that you are doing drab for the last time, sh*t happens.
My Mom passed away Sun. and my Dad asked that I attend the service in drab.
I cannot even begin to tell you how much this distresses me. Lose my Mom, and have to step back into that lie that was my past life.

In the end my Dad's wishes will trump mine, and I shall have a dreadful bout of GD that ends with me crying, and anxious, and nauseous.

The funeral will be difficult, being dressed like the funeral director will be MUCH worse. The things we do for family.

Sorry girls, I had to vent.

Edit- I WILL NOT wear a suit. I've picked out some black dress pants, and a black blouse.

[linda allen]

Sorry for your loss. Both my parents are gone. My mother in-law died a year or so ago and my father in-law doesn't have much time left.

The funeral is about your mother, not you. Respect your dad's wishes and think about the good times you had with your mom (and dad). Go back to "girl" later. It's only a few hours.

[arbon]

Really sorry for your lose and that you are going to attend that way. Its hard to step back like that.

[LeaP]

Edit- I WILL NOT wear a suit. I've picked out some black dress pants, and a black blouse.

I'm with you there. That's one thing that triggers a really sense of crossdressing.

It's hard to lose a parent. I'm sorry and hope the funeral goes well.

[Persephone]

Sorry to hear of your loss, Celeste, and the further pain that you are feeling.

Difficult as it is, please remember, it is your father's loss too. He lost his wife and likely his best friend in life.

Hugs, particularly at this very stressful time,
Persephone.

[mary something]

sorry for you loss, hope all goes well

[Nicole Erin]

You just lost your mom and your greatest distress is having to dress like a man for the funeral? What is the matter with you?
I lost my mom over the summer and the whole GID thing was not even close to my thoughts or concerns.

No, my concerns were, "Could I have done something to stop it? Why is my family constantly getting smaller? How is it fair that she watched me be born and I had to watch her die?"

Never was anything going through my head like, "Do I look like a woman? what should I wear?"
I will tell you what I wore - a ton of grief.

[Rachelakld]

Sorry about your loss.
How many dads do you have and could you afford to lose one at your mums service.
Your mum will understand where you are at and appreciate the respect you are showing your father, no matter how hard it will be for you.
Life is a stage and sometimes we have to play a part (or many parts in our cases).

Please come back to vent again afterwards,
best of luck

[Angela Campbell]

Maybe I'm a softy but if asked for something by those I love I usually do it no matter the pain I endure. Yeah I do not always like it and the end result can end up being someone avoiding the other one. If someone makes me uncomfortable then I will not be around them much. I have noticed two of my kids are avoiding me, but I hope they come around eventually. Some are just uncomfortable with us transitioning or embarrassed by it.

[Jeanna]

Sorry about your loss.

[bas1985]

I would say only that I may understand Celeste. Losing a mother is terrible, I lost my father when I was 19,
my mother is still alive, and the loss is gret.

BUT... I pretty understand the way Celeste is venting. She feels that she cannot express HER grief as a woman but she
must express HIS grief (as a son). I may make a mistake but I would feel in this way, not free of expressing my
grief with MY proper way (for example with a black dress).

[Ann Louise]

I'm very sad to hear of the loss of your mother Celeste. I lost my mother early last summer, and did not attend her modest funeral. The toxic combination of her rigid 1950's style of parenting, coupled with our '60's revolution, '70's drugs and rock 'n roll, and '80's career building on my part left a wide gap of estrangement between us that was never really resolved, but only forgotten through mutual agreement.

I would say, and this is in my opinion, only, that the purpose of funerals are to assuage the grief and guilt of those that attend it. That, and perhaps to intensify and renew the bonds of family and friendship of the survivors. You would be dressing that way for your father, not your mother. That is right, and appropriate, only if it is indeed so for you, too. I would suggest that you be true to yourself, and use this opportunity to shape the form and content of the relationships that you wish would endure with the survivors that attend that service. Your mother has already taken with her your love and concern that you've expressed for her over her lifetime, and your manner of dress now has nothing to do with you and her.

IMHO Only, Ann

[LeaP]

I have to say I can see this from both angles. I'm sure it's frustrating, Celeste, struggling to be 100% full time and hitting circumstances like this again and again. It's about being authentic and everyone here understands that.

Still, one has to choose one's battles. I'm not entirely sure that I would pick this one. Do you know how widespread the reaction to your presence would be? That would be one factor to consider. I would not want to be responsible for turning my mother's funeral into the scene of a family fight. That happens all too frequently, and the outcome is not that people expect or need from a funeral. Plus, the effects would linger for years.

There are often alternatives. As far as wakes go, you might arrange either a private viewing or a family time when your father (assuming he is the only one who is the issue) is not there. The funeral itself may be easier. You could be in your own car and you don't necessarily have to stand or sit with your family graveside.

I'm not suggesting all of these are palatable. But services are not all about you, either, despite them being in part for you.

This is only my view of the world, but I regard the marital bond in some regards as primary over even the bond with children. Despite the biological ties to children, the marital bond lasts beyond childhood. Children retain their ties to their parents, of course, but their lives move on, the contact becomes less frequent, and the nature of the relationship changes. Not so with the marital relationship. It deepens and changes in a way that draws people closer – best case, anyway. Only you know what your parents' relationship was like and whether it deserves any special consideration or not.

[vallerie lacy]

Now for my unwanted two cents. Remember moms watching from above. Be a big girl and wear a suit. Dad doesn't need more grief. After the funeral go and continue that Irish Wake +1 that you left off at the other day. Again my deepest condolences.

[Nicole Erin]

As for hitting snags going full time -
I can see how that would be frustrating but there will come a day when you can go full time and no one cares.

Unless someone is stealth or around strangers that could become acquaintances or even friends then having to go out once in a while in drab is not going to hurt anything. At the funeral, people will have many thoughts. Everything from grief to just wanting to pay last respects to "is it over yet? Can we eat?" Just how crowds are. No one is going to be thinking, "What is Celeste wearing?" You probably won't look back and think, "I wish I had dressed like a woman".

[arbon]

I understand where she is coming from. I think she needs to do what is in her heart to do and if that is following her dads wishes then that is fine, but it wont be easy for her. The living relatives need to get used to you sooner or later and let you get on with living your life and not hold you responsible to make them comfortable.

My grandma has been expected to die for some time now (she is being stubborn though) I have been respectful to stay away while she is still alive but I will attend the funeral as myself when the time comes despite knowing my relatives (even mom) don't want me to go. If they all judge me as being selfish for it and be all gossipy in family about it, so be it. Its not about me, or them, and they need to get over themselves is the way I feel about it.

[Barbara Ella]

Yes dear, you have a dilemma, but is it really terrible to sort out? The focus of the funeral is for the friends of your Mom to grieve a bet, and concentrate on her life and what they will remember. Do they know of your situation? If not, then do you really want to be the thing they take away from the service, and have your Mom left as a footnote in their minds. Your family is not part of this conversation, as they know you and have their opinions which will be well served in their afterlife.

Please do what you think is best, but IMHO, this is a small time to grieve and suffer your losses during the service. Your male dress suffering will be short lived, and need not be placed on you backsliding or being untrue to yourself. The suffering is for your Mom, and while you are there thinking of her, you can let her know just how much more you are suffering than the others over her passing.

So sorry for your loss.

Barbara

[I Am Paula]

What an outpouring of emotion, and great, but mixed, advice. Thank you all so much.
It's all over. It's nine o'clock, and I'm in bed in the guest room, typing on my iphone.
I went as my true self. Sometimes a line has to be drawn, where I say I yams what I yams.
My father was not upset at all. I think he expected it. All my family knows, but some had never met me. Every single person I spoke to said they were so proud of my courage, and conviction.
They said goodbye to my mother, and wished me well on my journey.

[Rianna Humble]

I'm really glad it went well and I'm proud of you for doing what was right for you

[LeaP]

Hooray for happy endings!

And a wonderful illustration of how worthless most of our advice is!!!