Proud but not loud?

[TheMissus]

I promise this isn't an antagonistic post! :)

I'm curious about public CD for those who still identify as men. (No TS answers thanks as that's a very different situation). Anyway, I'm sure this question has been asked countless times and I sort of understand the need for human interaction. (Sort of - most people annoy me, lol.) But so much is made here of 'blending' and 'passing' and basically having no one look at you. Best case you go about your day completely invisible.

So what's the point?

Why go out at all? There seems little human interaction involved and when there is it seems to involve those already in the know. People are actually proud here when they're not noticed. I get avoiding the whole 'wow, there goes a man dressed as a women' but realistically that's pretty much what you are. Men just have those tell tale signs that tip people off regardless of how they present. Doesn't mean you don't look good - but we usually know. But surely, avoiding all human contact is no different than hiding at home?

So why not go out loud and proud and get noticed for what you are? And if you really can't, why not just stay home and avoid all this stress? What is everyone getting out of this? I have become quite fond of many here (yes, true:)) and when I read of these difficult outings the wife/mother in me wants to say 'please, don't torture yourselves and stay home already.'

All answers appreciated. This journey will never be complete without this puzzling question being removed from my busy annoying brain. My H doesn't go public but he gets why a person would yet can't seem to explain it to me. Seems this is part of the secret 'CD club' that us wives might never understand :(

M x

[Debi]

There are a multitude of reasons...

Being true to yourself: Once you accept that you are on the 'T-spectrum' where ever that is for the individual and you become truly ok with it, well for me anyway, I have a bit of an attitude of 'if I want to go out dressed - why shouldn't I?'
In my case, once I first went out properly in public (i.e. NOT a t-club), I can't deny that I got quite a buzz from it. A mixture of nerves and adrenaline. This in itself can be quite addictive at first.
Pushing the boundaries: I would never say that this is a good enough reason on its own for anyone to go out dressed, but I always think that the T-community are where gay people were 50 years ago. Nowadays, if you met someone who told you they were gay, you'd just say, oh - right cool and that'd be the end of it, but we t-girls are NOT in that position, not by a long shot and the situation can ONLY get better when the public at large get exposed to POSITIVE examples of crossdressers and TV's. When I go out, I am pleased that I am perhaps just lowering down some barriers on a VERY minor level.

D x

[cdmorganashley]

i think going "unnoticed" is really about being noticed as a normal woman... i think ideally we shouldn't need other's response to us to validate how we dress or present ourselves, but in reality what other people think has an effect on how we perceive and feel about ourselves (well most people i think, and certainly me)

[Ruthie Leather]

I guess I'm not really the best person to answer this because I only have a handful of experiences of public dressing and only then at night. However, I do have the urge to go out in public dressed so the only thing I can do is tell you how I see it.

Although I identify as male for most of the time, I still feel the need to express my female side and to be honest would like to have the confidence to do that in public. With regards to passing, if I were to dress in public I would feel the need to be able to pass rather than stand out, not because I would want to be invisible but more because I wouldn't want there to be a disconnect between how I was feeling inside at that time and what I was presenting to the world.

If you think about it when you go about your daily life you don't go out of your way to stand out, at least I do, but when I'm in male mode, I feel comfortable out in public that what I present to the rest of the world is what I'm feeling inside at that time. When I feel the need to dress, I would like to be able to go about my life free from the judgement from society (which is kind of what is holding me back from dressing more in public) happy that what I'm presenting to the world is what's inside at the time, rather than just being a dude in a skirt - which is also cool, just look at the way Eddie Izzard dresses.

For me, it's about presenting and being a woman while dressed, rather than being obviously a guy wearing a skirt. Sorry if that wasn't really coherent, but I have trouble understanding it myself....

[Tawne]

I don't go out personally at this current stage nor have any urge to right now, but like your husband I have an idea why and it is hard to explain. Is there a difference between hiding at home and going out un-noticed...umm yeah, you're outside?? Humans are not a caged species, in fact no person or animal should be, if people have the urge to go out en femme, and are able to do so without running into any difficulties along the way, good on them. Possibly another explanation that may attract some to go out is the dare, a bit like a secret mission, it is an achievement for some and others a thrill ride...or both :P

[kimdl93]

I'm not a loud person by nature. I don't go out to make a statement, but to experience life with real people. And those individual interactions give me that experience. We are social animals, after all.

[stephNE]

While there are a lot of similarities between all the people here, there is no "one rule" that we all fit under. For some of us, we want (need) interaction with others. Expressing myself is something that I need to do. And as Debi said, the more we are seen out, the closer we are to acceptance.

[Kate Simmons]

I tend to agree with you Hon. I never did get the point of going through all of that and it didn't take me long to discover that going out in public to intermingle with the general populace, going shopping, and trying on female stuff in stores didn't do a whole lot for me, although it seems to be the "Holy Grail" of CDing for some. I like to interact as well as the next "guy" but I did it by initially joining a TG Org Renaissance. We knew who we were up front, so didn't have unrealistic expectations.We had monthly meetings, gab fests, product demonstrators and refreshments at those meetings but after awhile I personally wanted more.

What I ended up doing was going to the local LGBT resort club and made friends who accepted me as is and learned how to dance and that is pretty much how I have fun with it. I go to a place where I can enjoy myself, socialize and not continuously have to have my guard up and I'm not really trying to be someone or something I'm not. The best part is that my GF is okay with it and even dances with me en femme but she knows in the end I'm her guy and that is what counts.

The bottom line, I figure, is why put yourself in stressful situations if you don't have to? Life is full of enough angst without creating more. That's how I look at it anyway. Works for me. :battingeyelashes::)

[deebra]

Debi, great thread, very well said, I agree with all of it.

Tawni at the youthful age of 33 and as femininely attractive as you present to reference your thread why do you want to be in-house and caged. If you went out wouldn't you be conquering the dare, enjoying the thrill and anxiety which is fun and rewarding, be like a bird that has been freed from it's cage and go public dressed like the attractive woman your pictures show you to be. You have a natural gift others on this forum don't have, maybe you should go out and see if it brings another level of pleasure for you. I'm pretty sure you would feel quite womanly walking thru the mall in a skirt, makeup and heels.

[NicoleScott]

People are actually proud here when they're not noticed.

I've never been in agreement with the idea that we're all the same here, just at a different place on the T-spectrum. I think there is a fundamental difference in what drives us to the same destination - wearing women's clothes (and makeup, etc.). Those who have an internal feminine identity say they dress to express that identity (I take their word for it - I wouldn't know - I'm not one of them). Others, like me, transform into some idealized woman, to the extent we can given our male bodies, face, hair, skin, etc., as our eyes and brain define what an ideal woman is, because it excites/arouses us. And others for other reasons they claim (comfort, etc.). Then we're all thrown together, whether here as crossdressers, or by the generally-ignorant-on-the-matter-public as transgendered or some other not-as-PC collective label.
One bit of evidence that we are fundamentally different is that some claim "it's not about the clothes" while others like me say "it IS about the clothes". TheMissus, for some the goal is to be out and about un-noticed and proud of it, as you observed. For others like me, staying home is a good way to be un-noticed, but we want to be noticed, so we go out. It isn't important for me to be seen as a GG (and there is little chance that I am), I just wanted to be seen. When I went to a TG-friendly club it was obvious that I was a CDer, but it didn't matter to me or them and I had a great time. I was seen.
It still doesn't answer why I needed to go out and be seen, and I'm still not sure why. Maybe I just needed acknowledgement that, even for a short moment, I pulled off the transformation. Why I want to be seen is a different question than why I want to dress up. And I don't know the answer to that one either. I can only guess that it is the guy in me that is attracted to the girl in the mirror, and without those other annoying humans to deal with. You understand this, huh?

[Lynn Marie]

Very astute post, M. I'm impressed with your ability to put into words how a bunch of my CD girlfriends and I think about our presentation!

Last May I took a class with my best girlfriend on blending. Everything presented was quite valid and interesting. Yet we both walked out fully aware of how to blend and also with no interest in changing our presentation to blend! Very few of us dress to blend, we dress for fun, and for interaction.

[TheMissus]

Tawne, I agree you can and should be able to go out if you want. I'm just trying to wrap my ahead around all this sleuth style blending that goes with it. Is it truly so terrible if people see you all as CD and not GGs? If it is terrible, I can't imagine taking the risk, that's all.

The other thing I wondered is whether there's concern your male identity will be discovered? Does this play somewhat into the blending issue? Or is it really just about expressing those internal feelings mentioned? I guess that makes sense to me in a way - though I'd also think getting read would ruin the whole experience.

I know my H doesn't do public given he's more a sexual CD, but plenty of them do and it's always at the back of my mind, so I really appreciate the explanations. x

Edit: Nicole, I get it, lol. I actually understand the need to be seen too, as who you are. It's the blending/passing stuff that confuses me as this will undoubtedly be rare yet it seems like such an important goal. I say go out anyway if you like. But it must be very hard for some here to feel a need to go out only to then hide from everyone :(

[NicoleScott]

I actually understand the need to be seen too, as who you are.

I see this, too, wanting to be seen as who you are. As you can see from other responses, it is who they are. But not for others like me. I don't have a feminine identity that needs to go out and be seen "for the woman I am". It's not who I am. Nicole the crossdresser is what I am. And I protect the identity of the guy underneath, and for good reasons. "Go out and hide" seems to meet my needs.

[Alice Torn]

Great thread topic! It is very stressful to go out at first, every time i go, which is rare. I love adventure, and dares, a bit! I am hoping to go to a classical music concert this Saturday evening, if my little toe, which i stubbed last night, , and badly cut open, is not too painful then. I always loved to dress up in homemade costumes for masquerades in the past. I don't celebrate Holloween as a special day, but will use it for dressing up, and going out, as many others will be doing it. I don't really know why i want to go out, and be an attractive super tall lady. I just don't know. Part of it, is I am single, never had a steady girlfriend, and now, can become her part time. I still would like a right Gg friend.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Explaining is difficult, I think, because for so many of us, this has been going on a long time, and has so many layers of repression, that the basic reason is lost under all that other stuff.

I don't have much urge to go out as a woman, it's there a little bit, but in my case may be different from others. I want the "female" experience, in that I want to display. My current desire is to go out wearing skirts. Just that, skirts that work for my male look. I'd take Utilikilts and the like, but there's no way I can afford a wardrobe of kilts. The idea of going out as a woman, comes from the thought that if I could be believable, then I could wear whatever skirts I want, and not get hassled.

I've said it before, and I think it applies to some, that this urge is actually men wanting to do some female things, looking sexy, displaying, taking the "female" role, ( being approached, being seen a sexual object, taking the follower position, rather than leader ) but that persona is not accepted in man, so they think "Screw it, I'll be woman then."

Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying they necessarily want attention from men, just attention. Though some do want it from men, ( those that only seem to be attracted to men when dressed ) I have to wonder if those people aren't really interested in at all, but the conditioning goes so deep, that they can't conceive of being on the receiving end of overt sexual attention from women?

I've just re-read this, and I'm trying to put myself in a world where I go out dressed as a woman. And get attention. It's going to be from men, mostly...............If I got that, would I accept the attention...and what follows?

This is weird, is it just repression? Do I want a relationship with another male? This is making me go back and re-assess things I had dealt with several years ago.

No, I don't want a physical relationship with a male. What I want is the sort of relationship I have, with a female. But I want that to go a bit further in the reversal of the accepted mainstream male/female roles. I would like more attention from other females. I have no intention of cheating on my GF, but I like that sense of power that comes from being wanted. I like it when we go out as a couple, and she has dressed up. She gets noticed, and she likes it, she likes it when she sees how I react to it, I'd like to have some of that for myself. We have a good relationship, my GF is very feminist in a lot of ways. She is very happy being female, and what flows from that in our relationship, but she reacts strongly to any assumption that this means the female, (any female, not just her) is somehow "lesser' because of this. I think that's behind some of my re-assessments of male/female roles.

Sorry, I'm rambling off the topic again. When we start on this area, I end up exploring my own feelings and go off at tangents.

Just to be clear, this is my assessment of my own drives, and the belief that some, others have similar roots.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

It would take a lot to get me to go out. I would need to look in reality the way I imagine things in my mind, and that will probably never happen. I could see a Halloween event or maybe Vegas one day when my presentation has improved, but it would need to be in a different city. For now I'm content to occasionally share this side of me with my wife, behind closed doors.

[vallerie lacy]

Why go out at all? Why climb a mountain? It's just in our internal makeup, not to be confused with external makeup. And as you know we do love our makeup. I myself would love to waltz down the street all girlied up. But that's not gonna happen. So I stay home to avoid any stress. After all, I don't want to scare any children. Can anyone name anything prettier than a woman. We want to be pretty too. We just don't know why.

[Dianne S]

I like to go out cross-dressed to a cross-dresser's social club. There's plenty of human interaction there (and usually food!)

Just going out cross-dressed for a walk or shopping or whatever without friends around doesn't really appeal to me that much.

[Secret Drawer]

Imagine for centuries that gay men have been treated like criminals, put to death, banished from towns and countries, abandoned by families, etc. We fundamentally understand that you cannot simply ask them "Why don't you just date women, wouldn't it be easier?" I think that crossdressers have the same fundamental inability to simply just say no. So whether it is stressful, risky, or even potentially dangerous, we still feel compelled to go out. Pride is no match for public ridicule, and sensibilties don't necessarily escape a CD's mind, so blending as best as possible, whether it works or not, is better than flaunting ourselves like drag queens, unless that is someones thing.

[MatildaJ.]

One aspect I haven't seen anyone mention is that being out in society is how "socialization" occurs. A large part of what CDers are missing, as they try to take the female role, is experience with that early and ongoing socialization as a woman. But now that they want to explore the female role, the only way to get that socialization-as-a-woman is by going out in public as a woman and dealing with everything that society throws at them, from appreciative glances to cat-calls to other women judging their outfits, etc.

[Jenniferathome]

Missus, for me, even just being in a public place IS human interaction. You are also doing something, even if it is just window shopping. Then,there is the element of testing your presentation. While I know I will not pass, should anyone take a look, I may confuse. Perhaps that's the best I can hope for. So, right next to "Loud and Proud" is "Out and Proud" followed by "Quiet and Proud." In a way, going out is like a public admission that I am a cross dresser without have to scream it out.

Now, when I have actual conversation and real interaction, it is always better.

[Suzanne F]

My first step out of the car on my first night out dressed was one of the best moments of my life. I was not hiding anymore! I do want to interact with people as Suzanne. Of course they will know something is different about me. But unless they ask they dont know if I am transitioning or a crossdresser. For me it is about interacting with the world as a woman. I don't claim to be just a guy in a dress. No offense to anyone that feels that way! I am so happy to be able to finally accept and even present me! I also love taking the next step of courage as it comes up. Like going to my 12 step meeting as Suzanne or throwing dice at a craps table en femme. I am going to the city tomorrow night dressed and I can hardly wait! I don't think I could ever go back to not going out in the world as Suzanne. Sorry for all of the rambling!
Suzanne

[StephanieDragg]

I enjoy the fashion, I enjoy going out meeting people, It is my persona and form of expression, when I was younger and admired well dressed women out shopping, running their errands, etc I'd think.... I wanna grow up to be just like her!!

[reb.femme]

Why go out at all? There seems little human interaction involved and when there is it seems to involve those already in the know........But surely, avoiding all human contact is no different than hiding at home?

So why not go out loud and proud and get noticed for what you are? And if you really can't, why not just stay home and avoid all this stress?
M x

Hi TheMissus,

For me, it isn't black and white as regards going out and the level of interaction I seek on different days.

Being loud and proud would be OK if I was looking for possible confrontation (which I'm not of course) but can understand that you would query why we go out if not interacting with people. As a first step to confidence building for some, and I include myself here, not interacting whilst out would be the order of the day. However, my first time out, I ended up having to talk to a hotel receptionist and then to a GG at a petrol station when I had a problem with the pump. All I wanted was to be left alone but she wanted to engage me in conversation. In at the deep end, but a good immersion and reality check all in one day and had a good experience nonetheless.

Sometimes not talking to people may be a good thing too, as a guy almost turned to stone when he read me from about a foot away. So can I say, we don't interact to protect the muggles :heehee:?

Rebecca

[JamieG]

One aspect I haven't seen anyone mention is that being out in society is how "socialization" occurs.

I agree with Jess, on the "socialization" aspect, but I would also add "normalization." I don't go out and expect people to mistake me for a GG, I just want them not to mistake me for a non-human. For the longest time, I felt that if anyone knew I crossdressed, I would be burnt at the stake. I still carry to internalized transphobia today. When I go out and then manage to actually have normal interactions with cisgendered people, their acceptance of me helps me to better accept myself. Not to mention, if I make a good impression, then that's a possible future trans-ally I've just won over. If instead I try to stand out by dressing like an over-the-top drag queen, then strangers will tend to write it off as "screaming for attention" and "wanting special treatment."

[Tara Power]

Whats the point?

For me its part of who I am and dressing up in the mirror is great practice for getting the look and being at one with myself. But I hate being a prisoner in the mirror. I went out for the first time a few nights ago and decided to walk through town rather than get a taxi. Yes I knew it was going to be scary and wasn't going to pass, but its practice for a new skill set which is nailing the subtleties and confidence, i spent most of the time looking down at the ground, but it may have been because i was trying to hide my face, was nervous or had to check what the ground was doing in my heels so I wouldnt fall.

I am not trying to make a massive statement, Tara is a woman, and generally don't want to stand out and its harder if your 6ft to blend in. As for human interaction, walking past someone and being glanced at is human interaction and down to how you react to it. And the voice is a major give away and that makes much socialising and normalisation hard to achieve and for me there is nothing worse than failing to pass as it just zaps you completely.

But why bother?

A: I don't want to be in the news in years to come for being accused of locking up a beautiful woman in my room for all those years, holding her prisoner. I've done that in my head for too long lol

[Cheryl T]

I go out because I have this internal need to express my feminine side. For me it's best done dressed and just interacting with others as a woman. I do my best to present a good image and carry myself in a way that expresses my femininity.
I know that not everyone will see me as a woman, but not everyone will see me as anything but that. I don't do this for them, I do it for me.

I'm not the "loud and proud" type. I leave that in-your-face stuff to others. Perhaps my just being there will aid all and someday help gain more acceptance for myself and my sisters.

[Tracii G]

The missus as you can see its not a question that is easily answered.
Many have their reasons for blending into the crowd for me its blending as best I can.
Do people read me? Oh sure I'm clocked a lot but a good majority people don't notice me as a man in womens clothes.They see the clothes,accessories and the hair they assume I am female at first glance and its all good.
I think letting go of your fears and getting out in public and interacting with people is a good thing for the cause.
Looking nice and presenting proudly and not being in ones face is a positive thing for the TG/CD portion of society.
Activism is OK and I believe I am being an ambassador for trans rights in my own way.I don't need to shout it out on every street corner and demand people accept me.
It boils down to the individual and trying to put things in a box never seems to work.
Why does some one do this or that? It doesn't really matter they just do.
Maybe you need to let go a little and quit trying to compartmentalize everything.
You seem like a really sweet lady and I commend you for being a part of this forum we need you here.

[susan54]

When I go out I am on stage - it is a performance. At home I do not bother with make up or wig. I wear a nice outfit, smell nice, and walk well, but there is nlo denying that rush of adrenalin when you open the car door, swivel the legs out in parallel, and make contact with the world. It is nicer to try on clothes fully dressed, and I interact with the shop owners/staff and with beauticians and staff in catering establishments. No, I don't want my friends, family and colleagues to know about it, but I am not hiding when I go out. And feedback on how I look from GGs is wonderful.

[Debra Russell]

For me, it's about presenting and being a woman while dressed, rather than being obviously a guy wearing a skirt. Sorry if that wasn't really coherent, but I have trouble understanding it myself....[/QUOTE]

I know this is not an answer but the feeling of being in public and counted as a woman (blending) when interaction (speaking) usually will expose your presentation as male is the closest many of us can get -- and it's very rewarding ? - makes me feel whole -- making since of it all ain't go'nna happen.......................Debra

[JenniferR771]

Thanks, Missus. Good question. i don't know why. It is sort of asking, "Why do I look at myself in the mirror? "Why does anybody look in a mirror?
I ask myself when I go out, "What do I want to happen? What do I want to avoid?"

Mainly I think, I am looking for acceptance--validation perhaps. That I look OK. Perhaps even pretty.

[Nikki A.]

I can oly speak for myself and no one else. I go out dressed and do interact with the "muggles". I dress appropiate for the occasion or maybe just a little nicer.
Do I blend or pass? I don't think so especially when I open my mouth. But I am expressing a part of myself and try to project CDing in a positive light. All I look for is to be treated with the same respect I extend to others. I just feel more comfortable going all out dressed rather than a "man in a dress". People seem more confused with a half & half presentation rather than a "complete" image.

[Beverley Sims]

I think a lot just feel self conscious.

[AllieSF]

Blending/passing to have no one look at you could be for a variety of reasons. One may be shy, wants to go out dressed as a woman and explore life, or just a part of that life, whenever they can without being noticed. I think part of that reason to remain anonymous in the crowd is to avoid negative reactions that they so much fear and which have kept them from going out much sooner in their crossdressing career. Another may just be the type that does not want to be noticed as a male nor a female.

I think you also need to look at what we do and how we do it as a spectrum which is moved along as we gain experience in dressing, makeup, female mannerisms, voice, going out to "T" friendly places to going mainstream. Maybe a lot of these shy ones that want to go out but do not, or maybe do not very often, will increase the frequency of their outings and the accompanying enjoyment over time and their need to blend into the background will change over time.

I think that the pride that someone shares with us here when they go out for that first time or after one of the rare appearances, is not so much the pride of being invisible but more one of, "Look everyone. I did it and I am here alive with no battle scars!". To go out "loud and proud" takes confidence in who and what you are and that you know that you will survive to do it again. That confidence is gained over time and helps move that person over that experience and confidence spectrum.

My first goal when I started dressing was to go out into the real world and go to the type of restaurants, bars and venues where I would go in male mode. I wanted to enjoy those same places dressed differently. I have done that quite successfully and a lot of that initial joy has now turned into a very different and very enjoyable life style, which also may have its own unique spectrum. I am a very social and extroverted person and I have made Allie an important part of that person, and I truly do love it all.

[Veronica27]

I am a man who enjoys wearing female clothing and all the accoutrements that go along with that. I do not feel like I am a woman or that I am expressing anything about my self or my identity, other than some element of my personality that makes this activity enjoyable to me. I am a private person, and am not one to broadcast to one and all about any of my personal enjoyments, unless I am in conversation with a like-minded individual about such pursuits. For that reason, my crossdressing is primarily in house as it is nobody's business or concern how I prefer to dress on any given day. As I have been retired for a long time now, I have the freedom to dress as I please most days.

However, I do not suffer from agoraphobia, and I have a somewhat restless nature that makes me want to come and go as I please. In male mode, I can do just that but when I dress in female clothing this restless nature collides with my private nature. I have no desire to make any statements about my right to dress as I please, and while it would be easier to be able to come and go in either mode, doing so in female clothing would send a message to those I know who would see me that I am possibly something that they do not understand; a crossdresser. But that is none of their business. Living the rest of my life unsure of what my friends and neighbours think about me and my wife over this otherwise private matter is not something I wish to do, so I take the time to change before leaving the house.

That does not imply that I do not have any desire to be out fully crossdressed. What is the point to being all dressed up complete with makeup and accessories if you are just going to sit around the house? That is not something that people normally do. For that reason, my in-house dressing is usually a few casual items, but that can become very dull and routine after a while, and I go for lengthy periods of time when I do not crossdress at all. Also, dressing casually when out and about the way most modern women do has little appeal to me, since that is how I usually crossdress around the house anyway.

For me, the ultimate crossdressing experience then is to be fully dressed in the same manner as a woman who is having a night out dining in a fine restaurant, or working as an executive in an upscale office, or attending a gala of some sort, and to actually be out there doing just that. I want to mingle with people who do not know me, except as a man they have just met who happens to be dressed as a woman. The opportunities for such a scenario are very limited, but they have happened and the experience has always been extremely exhilarating. Sitting around the house in my best cocktail dress cannot achieve that same feeling of satisfying this desire to dress up and experience life situations in the same manner as the female half of the population.

This is not exactly "out and proud" as these people do not know who I am. Nor is it passing or going unnoticed. The human interaction is not with people already in the know unless they remember meeting me at a previous event. The desire to go out, despite all the difficulties, is different for everybody, but for me it is simply to make the crossdressing experience as complete as possible, without sacrificing my desire for the secrecy of my private inclinations among those I know. Knowing something about myself that those closest to me are unaware of, is a bit of a rush in itself.

Veronica

[Suzanne F]

Blending/passing to have no one look at you could be for a variety of reasons. One may be shy, wants to go out dressed as a woman and explore life, or just a part of that life, whenever they can without being noticed. I think part of that reason to remain anonymous in the crowd is to avoid negative reactions that they so much fear and which have kept them from going out much sooner in their crossdressing career. Another may just be the type that does not want to be noticed as a male nor a female.

I think you also need to look at what we do and how we do it as a spectrum which is moved along as we gain experience in dressing, makeup, female mannerisms, voice, going out to "T" friendly places to going mainstream. Maybe a lot of these shy ones that want to go out but do not, or maybe do not very often, will increase the frequency of their outings and the accompanying enjoyment over time and their need to blend into the background will change over time.

I think that the pride that someone shares with us here when they go out for that first time or after one of the rare appearances, is not so much the pride of being invisible but more one of, "Look everyone. I did it and I am here alive with no battle scars!". To go out "loud and proud" takes confidence in who and what you are and that you know that you will survive to do it again. That confidence is gained over time and helps move that person over that experience and confidence spectrum.

My first goal when I started dressing was to go out into the real world and go to the type of restaurants, bars and venues where I would go in male mode. I wanted to enjoy those same places dressed differently. I have done that quite successfully and a lot of that initial joy has now turned into a very different and very enjoyable life style, which also may have its own unique spectrum. I am a very social and extroverted person and I have made Allie an important part of that person, and I truly do love it all.

I feel the same way. Allie has helped me reach that goal of being in the mainstream. She just goes out there and is herself. She has given me such a gift! If you have that desire find someone to do it with you. You will be so happy that you did!
Suzanne

[carhill2mn]

I do not go out "loud and proud". I go out presenting myself as a woman because I enjoy looking like a woman, acting and being treated as a lady.

[Dani0948]

The reason many of us want to go out but not interact is the same reason we underdress. At least for me it's all about how it makes me feel. I don't need to interact to get "the high".

[Sally24]

Perhaps I can explain what happens when I go out. I have found that people treat men and women very differently. When I go OUT as Sally, women interact with me on a different level. Even if they don't see me as female, they mostly treat me as one. That in itself is huge. We comment on each others clothes or just exchange a smile in passing. It's not much, but just a taste of what living as a women would be. Sometimes that's enough.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Presentation and the degree of 'loudness' is for me very much related to being confident being seen as a man in a dress, even though I always present fully femme. Out dressed 4 or so days a week builds confidence and a style - in my case making up on missing my femme younger days. Stylish but often age inappropriate according to the rule book.

Passing and blending are IMO overrated but there are times though such as using female restrooms that passing is important.

So Missus I'm proud to be out engaging presenting as femme but not often concerned to blend.


Perhaps I can explain what happens when I go out. I have found that people treat men and women very differently. When I go OUT as Sally, women interact with me on a different level. Even if they don't see me as female, they mostly treat me as one. That in itself is huge. We comment on each others clothes or just exchange a smile in passing. It's not much, but just a taste of what living as a women would be.

Very very true Sally.

[Stephanie47]

It's bad enough trying to explain to your wife why you like to wear women's clothing. Try to explain it to somebody who does not know who you really are when you can't explain it to yourself-very challenging. Am I proud of my cross dressing? Not any more or less than any other aspect of my inner self? Society still does not understand or appreciate people who are not carbon copies of themselves. If I were to walk down to the mailbox en femme and observed by all my neighbors, am I to bear the negativity alone. No! My wife will have to deal with it also. Before retirement I had to think about gainful employment and paying the bills. Would have my kids been bullied?

So, I do enjoy immensely my private time in my DADT marriage. I accomplish a lot at home en femme a la June Cleaver. All dolled up in a pretty dress, heels and all the proper undergarments I get to do the domestic chores. And, I do have the privacy of my backyard.

I have taken drives and evening strolls and I found them to be rather boring. Just to walk the streets without a destination or goal? No sense it that! If my wife were to pass away, maybe, I would be more adventurous because I would not subject her to any societal negativity. For now I'm more than content to be Stephanie on occasion.

And, my personal reason for becoming Stephanie-very therapeutic for resolving PTSD issues. Cross dressing is a better choice over drugs and alcohol. At least I think so!

[~Joanne~]

I agree, if we want to blend with everyone else what is the point of doing it? I have never, and will never, see the point of wearing jeans and a tshirt and trying to present female when I can wear the same things and present male. Your a lot safer in your home, you don't have to face the chuckles, fears, or being attacked and My SO doesn't mind one whether I stay in or go out......

BUT there is an incredible sensation to being outside and feeling the wind across your hosed legs and across your toes that you just don't get in the house. That is the one thing I have always envied about women, they can wear whatever they chose and I think it's taken for granted most of the time. To be outside, fully femme, is beyond any words that I can come up with to even begin to describe it.

Yes it would be a lot safer in the house but what fun would that be?

[Deedee Skyblue]

"I agree, if we want to blend with everyone else what is the point of doing it?"

Because it makes us feel good or comfortable?

Deedee

[Kate T]

Missus

Lots of very valid reasons already expressed. I disagree with your assumption that all CD's are going to be "read" once they walk out the door. Honestly to be frank in my experience very few CD's are "read" or probably more to the point noticed until they do socially interact.Personally for me, "passing" enables me to overcome certain inherent appearance judgements that people make so that I can get to the point of social interaction. At that point there is no doubt that I am read as a CD however by that point the focus of the interaction is typically not appearance but those other subtleties of social interaction like politeness, charm etc.

For a lot of CD's it is important to get validation of their gender expression from others. The way we get this validation is through others seeing us as not repulsive but maybe just unusual. This validation then gives us self confidence to be ourselves. Personally I think that every CD goes through a phase of being self conscious about passing. The best analogy is possibly a teenager as they transition from being so and so's child in a social situation to being independent socially. I think that most CD's if they go out regularly get to a point where they don't particularly obsess about passing per se. Some are then quite happy to trumpet it from the rooftops (e.g. Eddie Izzard, Jane Anders, James Franco, David Williams, Dennis Rodman) where as many are just happy going about their business. If you are in a busy shopping centre or theatre or whatever in a large city I suspect there are probably a number of CD's in the crowd that you had no idea about.

[Marcelle]

I don't have a lot of offer as I have been out and interacting publicly a grand total of three times (once went bad, twice was neutral). Firstly, I live my life "en male" Originally, I thought I would be content with an indoor existence, but as I began to explore Isha (and she can be a force of nature sometimes), I felt it wasn't fair to deny her the daylight which my male side takes for granted. So I went out. Was I going to be read "most likely" would I blend "probably".

For me it was about acceptance. I have come to accept this side of me and I could not fully embrace that acceptance until I put Isha out there. Would she be accepted by everyone? Not likely as people are what they are. Would she be able to interact with others without getting read? Not in a million years. Was I loud an proud? Not really in the fact I did not waltz up down the isles at Wal-Mart screaming "cross dresser here". However, those who read me knew so in a way was loud and proud.

I remember driving home after my last outing which was my first solo (no wife) and one in which I engaged in everyday activities. I interacted with the public, got read, go rude stares, got nice comments and got ignored. For me that one small moment in time justified my acceptance of Isha into my life. I smiled internally and am still doing it. So why to I go out even though I am just a CDer . . . to coin a corny movie phrase "Because it completes me" :)

Hugs

Isha

[Brooklyn]

So why not go out loud and proud and get noticed for what you are?

That's exactly what I do, and I have a fabulous time doing it! Stepping out is both terrifying and a thrill for first-timers though. It was against the law in many places until the late '60's, so there's some natural apprehension that quickly fades.

[NathalieX66]

Whatever women do, or are, I just want to be a part of it. I spend too much time thinking I wish I was that woman over there. She dresses cool, she wears cool shoes, she has nice curves.
I did something about it, and acted on it, and now I live it, and I am happy and glad I did.

[Chickhe]

First...try it and you will know why. The first reason is freedom and feeling board. Second reason is to prove to yourself you can do it. Third reason is enjoyment. Fourth reason is that its practical. When you are at home and pull down the shades, you feel trapped in your own house so going out you can do whatever you want and no neighbors will be watching you. Just because you think you look good, doesn't mean you can make it in the real world...its a whole other challenge to actually dress down, to look natural and to act correctly to blend in. Interacting with people is scary at first, but many times very uplifting and it is a whole lot easier shopping when you look the part and have the correct body shape. The real question should be, why not do it?

[DianeDeBris]

Perhaps I can explain what happens when I go out. I have found that people treat men and women very differently. When I go OUT as Sally, women interact with me on a different level. Even if they don't see me as female, they mostly treat me as one. That in itself is huge. We comment on each others clothes or just exchange a smile in passing. It's not much, but just a taste of what living as a women would be. Sometimes that's enough.

Sally got it spot on. I can wear clothing and do my makeup at home, and enjoy the feel of the clothes (and I do!). But only when I go out in public do I have even a scintilla of an idea of how the world looks - and feels - to a woman. In some ways it feels good (the realization that, after the cowboy steps aside to let me pass and tips his hat to me in broad daylight, he's checking me out from behind as I walk on). In some ways it is frightening - most men are bigger and stronger than I am, and could seriously hurt me if they chose to. Third, and surprisingly, the way I interact with people is expected to be different when I am out and living as a woman. As a woman I need to be friendly to guys and gentle as I carefully shunt aside their expressions of interest; and grown-up women tend to be quite accepting, as though they recognize I may not have all the same physical parts, still I treasure and want to share their life experience in a profound way that is generally unavailable to "regular guys.".
When I enter the world as a woman, I see all of life in a way I simply cannot experience any other way; and it is a warm, sharing, wise and mostly happy world that, as best I can tell, mere men simply know nothing about.

[Tracii G]

Missus Try dressing as a man sometime I mean go all out and see how you feel.
Let your SO be the woman and you be the man.
Tell me how you would dress? To blend and go unnoticed for the most part or dress like Liberace?
I think once you feel what we feel doing just the opposite you might have a better understanding of how hard it really is.
Having both genders within your personality and dealing with the urges is something that takes a strong person to deal with.

[Amanda M]

Well Missus, you have really made me think - as have all of you who have replied to the OP. If I am going out en femme, I don't dress to be noticed. I try to dress to be elegant, but not to fade into the background. As a female (even a pretend one) I like to be noticed when I'm looking and feeling good. Any compliments will be gratefully received.

Sometimes I "pass", sometimes I do not. Neither really matters to me. What I know is that when I do go out en femme, I feel comfortable, natural, I AM Amanda. I delight in being able to interact with women without the almost inevitable gender tension that happens in many male/female interactions.

Now see what you have done Missus? I'm going to have to think about this a bit more. I'd like to add that I think of you as a great asset to this forum. Stay with us!

[TheMissus]

Well I think you're all an asset to me as I never thought of this the way many here described, either. :)

In my situation my H is like NicoleScott and dresses for a thrill so if he did go out it would be to get noticed. Thing is, he doesn't feel a strong drive to do this but given its so common I know I need to be prepared should this happen.

I think the comments about validation and being 'seen', while not necessarily interacting, resonates with me as all humans like to be acknowledged and I guess those with a female gender tucked inside them, this side of you also wants to be seen? I guess she's got attitude like most of us girls, lol. Do you worry this side of you could destroy the male side while in public? Is discovery a concern or would it actually be a relief?

For those without the 'girl inside' am I right in my understanding of what's written here that if you do go out, it's usually to go ALL out and dress to the nines and have fun and be noticed? This also makes sense to me and I know this is what my H would want if he ever went out. He wouldn't want to be recognized (hell no) but he'd want to look like some sexy girl twenty years his junior, lol.

Funny thing is, for those with a female identity (or part identity), many of you talk of the feelings you get when out, the change in attitude you have, the women you chat to, how life seems different and perhaps even better? As a GG I look at the men around me, and how most don't spend their days dodging lewd stares or worrying if they're fat or thin or whatever and think they must have a great life. Men seem far less complicated. In fact, I rarely think what it's like to be a girl because I am one, but I wouldn't say it's what is described here.

I'm actually a little jealous. I think you all have more fun as women than we women do! x

[Sally24]

As an actual GG I look at the men around me, and how most don't spend their days dodging lewd stares or worrying if they're fat or thin or whatever and think they must have a great life. Men seem far less complicated. In fact, as a GG I rarely think what it's like to be a girl because I am one, but I wouldn't say it's what is described here.

I'm actually a little jealous. I think you all have more fun as women than we women do! x

While our male lives are simpler, that doesn't make them better. Think of the experience as the difference between color tv and b+w. The nuances in emotional expression and friendships and even yes in clothing choices are limited. Women's close.friends generally share things on a level that men don't. And while we don't get treated as sex objects there is the problem of other men being hostile or competative. Some guys are always looking for a fight!

We do have the.advantage of picking and chosing when to live female. So we generally pick dancing, shopping, partying, and enjoying food and good company. And believe me, I can relate to the lewd stares and feeling threatened at night!

[Debi]

Think of the experience as the difference between color tv and b+w.
What a BRILLIANT analogy ... Consider it plagiarised! ... I'm going to use that one a lot

D xx

[TheMissus]

Sally24, my H hints at the same - I have access to technicolor while he's stuck with grey. This is very subjective, in my mind. Many women see men as holding the color. Just look back sixty years and you'll find women downing Prozac as they live out their dull grey housewife lives. We always want what we can't have and plenty of girls want what you all have and I guess we're trying to get that power, money, independence etc for ourselves. Personally I would take these notoriously male benefits over being pretty any day. I've had pretty all my life and it's a bloody curse.

But I guess being pretty is part of why you go out. I feel sad actually, that men aren't encouraged to feel pretty any more than I'm encouraged to feel powerful. But I would love to feel a power that didn't involve my boobs or butt. This kind of attention holds no weight and is soul destroying over time. I'd love to be Obama for a day. I'd love to be taken seriously.

Maybe I should go out as a man as someone suggested, lol. I might like it and understand this better!

[Tracii G]

You should at least try dressing as a man just as an experiment or an adventure of sorts.
Feel what its like to be labeled as a freak and a perv if you get "read" like we do sometimes.
In all seriousness being a man isn't all its cracked up to be.If you get pulled over by police you get the full treatment..... assumed guilty.I have been pulled over enfemme and given a pass and told to be more careful.
Feel the utter contempt from a female for smiling and saying hi to them or saying you look nice today.Always being viewed as only wanting ONE thing from a woman.
Sometimes it hurts so bad you feel as though you should have stayed in bed that day.

[Tina_gm]

I do not go out in public. While it appears the majority of the time, most on here that do go out they basically get treated decently, especially by GG's. Still, there are plenty of times where people will stare, gawk, make rude comments or be rude when interacting in shops or restaurants. I personally do not want any part of any of this. That is just me. I hold no negativity to anyone who goes out and has to deal with society. More power to any of you actually.

For me to go out in public, and by public I don't mean to TG specific gatherings. The real deal, I would want to be 100% undetectable. If I tried hard enough (without any permanent modifications) I feel I would likely present well. But, not 100% undetectable. It would defeat my purpose for going out in public. That is how I view it today. In the future, I cannot say anything for certain, but that is how I feel about it today.

My CDing is about feeling relaxed and comfortable. To connect with my inner femininity. Going out in public, while perhaps connecting, would not be a relaxing comfortable experience for me. For those who do, and enjoy the experience, I say rock on.

[Stephanie47]

My CDing is about feeling relaxed and comfortable. To connect with my inner femininity. Going out in public, while perhaps connecting, would not be a relaxing comfortable experience for me. For those who do, and enjoy the experience, I say rock on.

This is exactly my feeling. I gave up a very long time ago trying to figure out why I wear women's clothing. I know I have matured over the fifty years of wearing women's clothing. I find being attired as a female to be very stress relieving. To venture out into the world emulating a female will not work well for me. I have the face and physical features of a man. Part of my routine while dressing at home is to avoid being close to a mirror. I look great gazing into the full length mirror from across a room. There is no point of reference for my height. I do not stand out in my kitchen or the backyard. Transport me to the street or a store. Life would be stressful, which would totally defeat the need to seek out stress relief.

I do not feel being a cross dresser is something to be proud of nor not proud of. Cross dressing is just a small part of who I am. There are things I do that others would pump up their chests and say "See what I did!" I do not need any validation for who I am from anyone. I consider my life to be a personal matter.

[TheMissus]

You should at least try dressing as a man just as an experiment or an adventure of sorts.
Feel what its like to be labeled as a freak and a perv if you get "read" like we do.

I'm fairly certain I'd get read. I dressed for a theatrical thing (Shakespeare, as always) many moons ago at my all girls school and looked ridiculous with a moustache and cap, lol. I'm not built masculine at all. It was fun though, but I doubt I'd take this look to shops etc. I totally understand those who don't, and I guess I now understand a little better why those who do keep a low profile yet still enjoy the experience.

I'd still be Obama for a day, but I'd need one of those magic buttons often talked of here in the 'if you could be turned into...for a day'. Then I'd get a true feel of being a powerful man and that would be interesting. x

[Jackie7]

My wife and have done what Tracii suggests - both crossdress. She can look like an Italian gangster or a wall street banker or a motorhead at Nascar. I love to hang on her arm. It has led to wonderful and highly amusing times for us both.

There's an important difference between being read, and being recognized. during a social interaction I am usually read as a man in a dress though not always - I have a distinctive deep voice that I cannot disguise. But I am not often recognized, that is identified, despite my distinctive voice. Once at a large downtown halloween party my wife and I chatted up our neighbor and landlord, we share a driveway so we see him often. He quickly read us both as crossdressed but could not recognize us as his next door neighbors. We have had many similar experiences over the years.

[TokyoLily]

I don't want to be overly noticed when in male mode. Same goes for going out en femme.

Dressing up and staying home provides just limited experiences, both in quality and quantity. I just want to be able to go out and do things as Veronica. By exploring more outside, I can explore more inside. Yes, there is the excitement and thrill which (now that I think about it) comes largely from going unnoticed. It means I've succeeded in my goal of no longer just being a man in a dress (because that is NOT how Veronica feels) but rather, I am what I want to be at that moment: a woman in the world, doing her own thing. A woman who has every right to exist, along with everyone else.

If people don't normally give you a second look in drab but give you two or three looks (or worse) en femme, it means something is either very off or very on (but usually the former). That is why at home if I don't pass but feel feminine, it's fine, but when I go out I try my hardest to pass. I just want to be another woman (albeit in my case a tall foreign woman in Japan) riding the trains, going shopping, or whatever I feel like doing.

I do agree that dressing up and going out with no place to go is a bit pointless. It's like getting a haircut and shaving in male mode, then putting on a tuxedo to look good, and then walking around the block. Neighborhood strolls at night are a good way to build up courage, but... If I want to go out dressed as Veronica, I make a plan first.

To be honest, I'm normally a very shy person. I am quite introverted, and I avoid the spotlight whenever possible. Seems dumb to go out dressed up, right? If I don't present well, I'll be made, and then where will I be? Almost hell. But, going out (for me) spells freedom. It means I've overcome my fear of being made, as well as my fear of not allowing myself to be who I know I am. Even if I'm made, I've validated to myself that this is who I am.

I certainly do not want a handful of stares or chuckles (i.e., the negative) to dictate my life when there are so many positive things out there. When babies learn to walk, they inevitably fall down in their attempts to master the new skill. If I never ever go out, sure, I will be "safe" but it is worth falling down a few times (hopefully not literally) to be able to experience (as much as a GM can) what it feels like to be a woman, even if how I think women feel and how they actually feel might be different.

Sorry for the rather incoherent post. Hope the pieces makes sense.

Veronica

[Sara Jessica]

I read a few replies early on but there have been so many more since then. I'm going to take a shot at this without reading what I'm sure are a bunch of wonderful and well-stated thoughts on this good question (but I promise to go back and read them when I'm done).


So why not go out loud and proud and get noticed for what you are?

Because life is much easier when you blend in with the crowd and still get noticed for what I am.

I don't suffer from delusions of passing. I do alright but I have 1000% expectation that I will be read by the Muggles as trans-whatever. Yet most of the time, I don't go out of my way to attract attention. I have cultivated a style I call "casual chic" and I think it often takes that second or third glance for them to get it. And when they do, I'm all good with it because there'd be too much stress otherwise. I go out to express my identity, my nature, my being. It is very important for my own sanity in navigating the path that I am on.

I recall reading somewhere in these pages about someone talking about "celebrity status" when she goes out (might have been one of the adorable Sacto girls but I'm not positive where I read it). Anyways, that's totally true. I have my SA's and MUA's who (seem to) genuinely enjoy when I come around. That in and of itself is a blast and when the Muggles want to play along and be nice, all the better.

This doesn't mean I'm not capable of over-dressing and rolling with the extra scrutiny that comes with that. About once a year, my friend Kim and I do what we call "overdressed Friday" where we purposely go out wearing looks that wouldn't be out of place on a woman who was at the office all day. It's our one time of the year to do so because otherwise, there are way too many casual, chic, cute & fun looks to play with for the other outings.

Being out & about may not be for everyone, gosh knows that's been debated way too much. But I'm here to say that I've been doing it for the better part of 20+ years (amazing because I'm only 29 :battingeyelashes:) and the "moments of being" are beyond compare.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Sally24, my H hints at the same - I have access to technicolor while he's stuck with grey. This is very subjective, in my mind. Many women see men as holding the color. Just look back sixty years and you'll find women downing Prozac as they live out their dull grey housewife lives. We always want what we can't have and plenty of girls want what you all have and I guess we're trying to get that power, money, independence etc for ourselves. Personally I would take these notoriously male benefits over being pretty any day. I've had pretty all my life and it's a bloody curse.

But I guess being pretty is part of why you go out. I feel sad actually, that men aren't encouraged to feel pretty any more than I'm encouraged to feel powerful. But I would love to feel a power that didn't involve my boobs or butt. This kind of attention holds no weight and is soul destroying over time. I'd love to be Obama for a day. I'd love to be taken seriously.

Maybe I should go out as a man as someone suggested, lol. I might like it and understand this better!This is changing. Awfully slowly, and hardly at all in some places. My GF won't put up with this, she certainly won't put up with it from me! I've always thought of myself as a feminist, but she has been educating me on my blind spots. I'm having less luck educating her on the female blind spots. And they are there. We are working out our relationship, and we are both trying to push these attitudes out into the wider world. We are fortunate that our employer believes in this, and has policies and education on it. Real ones, that are applied. There are a great collection of people we work with, including many women who are not shy about showing their abilities and strengths. More than a few are smarter than me, and some of them are strong enough to kick my butt!

As I said earlier, I have no fear being viewed sexually, but then, for me there is little to fear. I understand why you don't find it appealing, and I hate that you have to be so cautious, and can’t enjoy genuine, polite, male appreciation without those negatives intruding. The difficulty in gaining power in the workplace, and getting fair pay, is something that would drive me mad in your place.

[ReineD]

What a great topic, Missus! I've also often wondered why bother going out if the aim is to not be noticed, for someone who is a CD.

My SO doesn't participate here but if you don't mind, I can answer based on our combined experiences.


I'm just trying to wrap my ahead around all this sleuth style blending that goes with it. Is it truly so terrible if people see you all as CD and not GGs? If it is terrible, I can't imagine taking the risk, that's all.

At first and for a long time, my SO hated the thought of being read. It's as if a part of her feared being judged harshly and I suppose none of us enjoys being judged. But then over time my SO began to interact with others while she was out and obviously the minute there is human interaction, others know that my SO is not a GG. So my SO had to come to terms with the fact that even though she makes an effort to present as a woman, people who talk to her know that she isn't. I dare say that making this mental switch is hard for many CDers, who likely would not go out if they even suspected that most people read them (when there is interaction).

But as my SO made more and more friends as herself, she discovered that it didn't matter if people didn't take her as a GG. The importance is to be respected for who she is, even though most people cannot tell the difference between CD, TS, or Gender Non-Conforming.




The other thing I wondered is whether there's concern your male identity will be discovered?

In my opinion anyone who knows a CDer well, will recognize them immediately when they see them dressed unless the makeup skills are at the professional level. Very few people have the ability to make themselves completely unrecognizable to the people who know them.

We are not out to a lot of people and so there is always the danger of running into someone. The hope is that we would see them first and my SO could avert her face and leave. But, we do go out in the next town over and we haven't yet run into anyone. And it's been years. :p

[Amanda M]

Just a thought, Missus. You DO have power that is completely unrelated to your boobs and your butt. You have the power to change lives, to make people think, to change attitudes just by doing what you do here / using your voice, and doing it well.

There ARE things about being a man that are great, but to tell you the truth, the competition with other males can be a bit wearing, not to mention the despair that one can feel when being regarded by many people as a potential pedophile. If a little kiddie falls over in the street, you would not dare to comfort him or her!

Being viewed as being only after sex is not a lot of fun either. Upsides and downsides, I suppose.

[Michelle (Oz)]

But as my SO made more and more friends as herself, she discovered that it didn't matter if people didn't take her as a GG. The importance is to be respected for who she is, even though most people cannot tell the difference between CD, TS, or Gender Non-Conforming.
It is empowering to engage with people knowing but not caring that you will be identified as a male when you talk (if you weren't already). Interestingly and rewardingly, many GGs still treat me as a female in the type of conversation and mannerisms e.g. touching. I now strike up conversations with people who are often only too happy to chat.


In my opinion anyone who knows a CDer well, will recognize them immediately when they see them dressed unless the makeup skills are at the professional level. Very few people have the ability to make themselves completely unrecognizable to the people who know them.
I have had situations where I have past people I know well and not been recognised. Stupid I know but I tested it once by deliberately going past one person twice. Didn't recognise me. There are some good reasons though:

most people don't look at you closely
people are not expecting those they know to present as female
the quality of make up does help disguise
the body is reshaped by boobs, corseted waist and butt/hip padding - from apple to hourglass:)

So, so far so good out dressed a lot in a small city. I do practice mentally though not responding to my male name just in case.

[Tara D. Rose]

Just a thought, Missus. You DO have power that is completely unrelated to your boobs and your butt. You have the power to change lives, to make people think, to change attitudes just by doing what you do here / using your voice, and doing it well.

There ARE things about being a man that are great, but to tell you the truth, the competition with other males can be a bit wearing, not to mention the despair that one can feel when being regarded by many people as a potential pedophile. If a little kiddie falls over in the street, you would not dare to comfort him or her!

Being viewed as being only after sex is not a lot of fun either. Upsides and downsides, I suppose.

Amanda, I totally agree with you. I love children and I just adore little babies. But I dare not ever talk to a little child or talk baby talk to a little baby in a store or anywhere. But it is very different if I have my wife with me, there may have been only one time where I may have talked to a little child in a grocery buggy, and it's okay if the parents see that I am with my wife. I was standing outside a grocery store once while waiting on my wife to come out. A young family was tying the shoe of the about 8 year old daughter, their little 2 year old boy looked at me and said, "hey there" to me. I said hello back to him in very gentle voice. The father gently popped his behind and scolded him saying do not talk to strangers.

I was eating alone in a buffet eating 2 weeks ago. It had a good crowd. There was this little beautiful little one year old latino girl walking around and talking to other families eating. Of course she was just a bored little child that couldn't sit still while her parents and other siblings were still eating. She walked to different tables and everyone was smiling and talking to her. She was a real hit there. She then walked up to me and I just smiled at her, she smiled back at me, then suddenly the dad got up and lead her back to their table. He gave me a stern look as well. You see, it was okay to the dad as long as the little girl was talking to whole families about, but when it came to the lone man like me, it was different.
Also as men, when we are out, if we even make eye contact with another man, a lot of times, I can get a "what you lookin' at?" look.
As TraciG pointed out, if I just say hello or hi to a woman in public, she thinks I want to scr** her. As men, when getting pulled over by a cop and especially at night, the cop will be very rude with me, and will ask me a question. I will answer it as nicely as possible, and he will then ask me if I am being sarcastic? Then he cranks up his aggression. I got pulled over by a SCHP on my way back from Myrtle Beach. I was going faster than the posted limits. He got out of the car, reached in and grabbed me around my neck, yelling at the top of his lungs to get out of the car, GET OUT OF THE CAR, as I reached for the handle, he asked "WHAT ARE YOU REACHING FOR? as he put his other hand on his pistol. When he finally pulled me out of the car, he slammed me against my car, three very hard times, yelling at me and asking me do I think I was speeding or not. He wouldn't even let me speak. He had bruised me up pretty good by the time it was all over.
If I was a gg, life would be so much easier. Women have power.

[Sarah L]

The main reason I try to blend in is to avoid trouble. There are plenty of losers out there that would like to kick the you-know-what out of a guy just because he is wearing women's clothes. Hate crime laws won't stop some idiots and I am not dressed to defend myself.
I get read sometimes, usually by women. Sometimes they will compliment me on my shoes or something. I feel like it's more about telling me I am accepted than just the shoes.

I just like the clothes. If I could dress full time, I would. I don't have any other traits that society would consider female.

I was so scared of being seen for so long. I wouldn't go out dressed, so I had to decide between going out in male mode or staying home and dressing up. Getting dressed won out more times than not. I missed out on alot of social interaction. I really feel free when I get home from an outing as Sarah. It's about living my life as I want to.

If teenage boys can run around with the seat of their pants drooping to their knees, I'm not worth noticing anyway!

[Valerie1973]

I don't go out in public to shock anyone. I do it for my own need. I feel alive, charged, ecstatic, happy. Blending in is the whole reason some of us dress up. No, I don't want attention. So why go out? I just can't stand being refined to the house. I love the breeze blowing on a flowy skirt. It's liberating. I only go to places quiet, low key. I do what works for me. Yeah, whats the point in dressing up then? Just quit or go full time. I do what I do for me, because I'm alive when I become Valerie. I don't mean to be a gender offender, but a gender bender yes. Who remembers the Transformers cartoon? It's from the 80's, my era. The song was "Transformers....Robots in disguise!" Someone murmurer "Transformers! Fagots in Disguise!" behind my back. So I try to pass, better than being a "gender f***". Google gender ****.

[Sarah L]

One more thing for me. I find it easier to shop for clothes when I am dressed. I don't have to worry that they might think they are for me. They KNOW their for me. It kind of reinforces the fact that it's not the worst thing in the world to be a crossdresser. If they care at all, they sure don't show it.

[flatlander_48]

Regardless of how we feel about dressing in public, we must always consider the context in which we do this. There are places in which it is perfectly fine to be Out and recognized and there are other situations where it is much safer to blend in. We need to not forget that there is considerable evil in the world and much of it is directed at people who are outside of the norm.

[samanthasolo]

Hi Missus,
I have been trying to find the time to reply on this thread for a few days now. Well, finally I have the opportunity. I have to say the whole thing about passing and blending, or the why even bother going out if you are just looking to hide yourself. There are a lot of common reasons us CD's can give which most are topical and not exactly articulated in a way that can paint a picture that anyone would understand and say OK I GET IT. As for myself, I spent many years in hiding behind closed doors without an outlet. Until I met my current wife, who I told very early on when we started dating, I can't say the thought really crossed my mind to get out because my dressing was very secretive and more of an arousal factor. My wife encouraged me to be comfortable with me, so I have become LOUD AND PROUD but I am not looking to be flamboyant about it. When the mirror and the makeup and the breast forms became part of the process for me all it took was the first time I revealed myself totally done up to my wife, her reaction was ( jaw dropped to the floor, mouth wide open ) She said Oh My God, If I didn't see you go into that room as you before this transformation, I would never know who you were. Certainly not my husband. You look beautiful! I was in shock, not because I didn't see or feel that with my own eyes, but it came from the one and only person in my life that could not only lift me up, but also cut me down. This was the start of something. I new I had to get out of the house.

I know if I am going out in public I can be passable. It does not matter to me if I am pegged, or if someone looks at me with that I'm not fooled look. Truth is I am oblivious, it is my wife that will notice those things. In a normal situation like shopping, going out for a bite I will be dressed casual, pretty much like any other woman might be dressed for a similar occasion so I am not drawing attention but I am blending, I am also passing to some extent until I open my mouth. Surprisingly that doesn't seem to matter much to anyone from my perception because in a situation like that I do not really look out of the ordinary. It is tolally different if I am attending a CD/TG event. Total Glam, 6'4" in heels, and trying to look like a runway model. Now that is not fooling anyone but I also know I am in a safe environment that even if I am looking to draw attention it is not going to draw confrontation or negative reactions.

So now the answer to the Why Bother. It makes me feel good, I freely express ME, I have my lovely wife by my side who walks proudly and unashamed with me, it is a rush, invigorating, and most of all. I feel my efforts at presenting are validating of ME regardless of any reaction that comes my way. I am also loud and proud and no one will ever know who I really am unless I told them.