Mental effects of HRT...

[Megan G]

Sorry for asking this if it has been covered before but I did not see a lot after a couple of searchs..

Anyways as you may or may not know I have been on HRT now for 6-7 weeks and I can attest to some of the mental changes. I feel so much better about myself, life seems better somehow and I seem like a calmer person. I am happy...

BUT

Lately I seem to be feeling " I am cured" of my GID and am starting to question my decision to transition to some extent. I know if I stop taking the meds the GD will return and I will regress to how I was before I started this journey.

So my question is..

Is this a common effect of the HRT and just something I have to work thru? Don't get me wrong I still feel a deep desire to transition fully but lately I just feel like all that GID stuff is gone..

[LeaP]

Right up front - yes, it's common, the contrast in your psychological state can be very dramatic. That, plus the relief, bring on the "I'm cured" thinking.

Some perspectives, though:

6-7 weeks isn't very long.

The relief stays, but life goes on, and your basic issues may resurface ... and probably will.

Hormones alone ultimately leave you in an odd position. Things you will find subtle for a while will likely become more prominent and compelling in a year or so, physically, mentally, and emotionally. You need make no final decision ... For a while. That frontier was breached for me at around the 10 month point. Many say it should be at around month 6.

You don't have to work through anything. Give yourself some time. Things will re-emerge ... or not.

[sandra-leigh]

There are, as best I can tell, three possible mental outcomes to starting MTF HRT.

1) The person feels horrible. This would usually be noticed within a month. If it occurs, then their body or brain is rejecting feminization of the brain structures: either they are not transsexual (or transgender) or else their gender identity is arising in conjunction with some mechanism which has received little or no study. (No-one knows all the possible ways that gender identity manifests in the brain / mind, but so far the great majority of MTF transgender and transsexual react well to estrogen. I think the figure I've seen for early rejection of estrogen is about 6%, including those who are not transgender or transsexual after-all.)

2) (This is the point I am weakest on): The person "feels good", and continues to know them-self to be transsexual, with no doubts beyond what they already had

3) Either least common or underreported (one clinic found it to be most common over the period they examined): The person's dysphoria lessens quite a bit, leading them to start to doubt that they are trans at all. This isn't talked about much, it seems. I found one doctor who wrote specifically that when this occurs, it is usually a sign that the person is most in need of continuing HRT: because in such a case the person's brain probably had a persistent internal disagreement about gender (leading to the dysphoria), and the hormones are needed to switch the brain into a consistent gender state, relieving the dysphoria. The doctor wrote that if these people stop HRT, the dysphoria is quite likely to return as their brain goes back to the unbalanced state. With the dysphoria largely relieved, these people might not feel a need to go any further or to "go all the way". Which is fine, since the key outcome has been met, that they are able to move forward with their lives without being oppressed by the dysphoria.

I fall into the third category. I waver a lot about whether to stay more-or-less as-is, or to go forward. In my case, the possibility of "going back" makes my stomach roil, so I simply can no longer pretend to be typical male. But can I somehow live with my current balance or do I need to go further ? That is the sort of question you will need to answer for yourself.

Suppose you were indeed "cured" of dysphoria (as long as you stay on hormones, anyhow): how do you now feel about the possibility of resuming life in a suit & tie and dress-shirt and all the rest? If the thought does not bother you, or feels attractive to you ("I never wanted to be trans, I'm glad I don't have to be!"), then perhaps you should live a normal life except taking unusual "medication". If, though, even with the internal pressures of dysphoria feeling comparatively muted, you still "kinda wish" you were going ahead, then you need to give more thought to going ahead even though your brain is no longer using your body as a punching bag.

If your fairy godmother were to offer you a wish at this point (with your dysphoria muted), that you could either wish to become an "ordinary" masculine gendered male, or you could wish to become an "ordinary" feminine-gendered female, which would you take at this point?

Myself, even though it would be in some ways so much easier if I could become an ordinary-gendered male, I would wish for ordinary-gendered female, turmoil to my life and all. As I am thinking as I write this, the possibility of being "cured" to be an ordinary-gendered male makes me shudder and my gorge starts rising. I'd rather be female -- but I need to gain the inner feeling of being "justified" to transition further.

[Angela Campbell]

For me the dysphoria lessened when I made the decision to begin hormones and transition. This did the most. After several months the bad feelings are gone but the determination is still there to have a woman's body and live as a woman. I have had this since I was 4 and it is not going away, in fact it is stronger now that I know I can.

I was asked the question as well. If you could have assurance that the dysphoria is gone...no more depression or anxiety would you still want to transition. The answer for me was an immediate yes. I always wanted it, I always will, and the dysphoria made me own up to it and begin the process. No I didn't ask or want to be trans...I still don't...but I did always want to be a woman.

It is similar to other medications, you begin taking them and feel better so you decide not to take them anymore....the symptoms will return and possibly worse. If you feel better it is a sign they are working.

[Marleena]

Trish, Dr. Martin has us on a full regimen as you know. I too feel as though I'm "cured". In fact I asked Dr. Martin this same question when I was there for my last appointment. He told me it was proof that "we" are on the right track. He said that if I stopped the GD would return and I'd be back to my old self. Sandra's explanation sounds about right too. I don't think the need to go full time or continue transitioning goes away though. I'm glad to hear the HRT is helping you.:)

BTW I met Trish in person after my last endo appointment and we can vouch for each other that we're not fakes.:)

[Andie Elisabeth]

Thank you Trisha for asking and Sandra for answering. :) Right now I am around 5.5 months on hormones. Since half of July I felt "cured" except when other people see me as a man, it hurts a little. But those past 5 months were more awesome than 24 previous years. But at the moment I feel that I have to address this issue (for me it's an issue).

(I apologize if I don't make sense it's 2:30 am. I got stuck doing some math for fun, never happened before :D, and now I'm watching hockey)

EDIT: The only thing I was able to found which could help is one paragraph at Anne Vitale's site http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm

[Cheryl123]

Thanks so much Andie Elisabeth for the interesting article ....-- Anne Vitale's site http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm. Interesting to note that gender diaspora in males is only relieved by taking estrogen, and that it returns when the estrogen is discontinued even in transsexuals who have completed SRS and have lived 10 years or more as women. Also that estrogen has no psychological effects on males unless they are TS and that positive effects from estrogen actually proves that one is TS. The difference between a non-TS crossdressing male and a TS is that the latter has active estrogen receptors in her brain. I never thought of that.

Regarding the OP question, the article states that the desire to stop HRT once the GD symptoms go away happens to a lot of girls. In my case, I stopped not only because I felt so much better but I also got "cold feet". I had a big WTF am I doing moment and ripped off my patches. I started again after a week when the old bad feelings returned. Then a few weeks later, after feeling good, I stopped again (I'm a mental case, I know). In a week or so the bad feelings chased me back to HRT. My doctor's response was to increase my estrogen. He seemed to know what was happening. Haven't had those WTF moments since then.