Anne2345
10-03-2013, 08:13 PM
I began HRT on December 21, 2012. That was exactly two-hundred and eighty-seven days ago today. Since then, I have taken my T-blockers and E religiously, and with steadfast dedication. I have not missed even a single day of meds.
It was a little more than a year ago that I began my pursuit of HRT in earnest. After fighting the dark thoughts, fighting the chaos, fighting the craziness, fighting the intensity, fighting the need, and doing all that I could to keep from doing so, I finally came around and recognized a truth that ultimately changed my life for the better – in so fighting against “it,” I was in reality fighting against “me.” Of course, I had been fighting against “me” practically my entire life, but this time it was different. It was dramatically different, and thankfully so.
In this, I was desperate. I needed change. I needed to embrace the truth. I was dying inside. I needed to embrace authenticity. I hated myself. I needed to embrace myself. I couldn’t lie anymore. I needed courage and strength. I was so afraid and scared and weak. I needed to learn to love, appreciate, enjoy, and respect myself. My life wasn’t working out, I was miserable, and I was a train-wreck in the making. I needed to do something. I was worthless. I needed to do something big. I felt so small and pitiful inside. I needed to do something for me. I had always given in to others at the expense of myself. I needed to begin the process, to really begin the process, of becoming the real me.
And this I did, and this I am doing. I am becoming me.
It’s funny, though, because I thought that “I” could never exist in this world. I thought that "I" could never make “me” work.
Turns out, though, that I was wrong. In fact, I have been wrong about a great deal many things in my life. I have been wrong about almost everything, to be sure. But that’s okay now. There was a day not so very long ago that I never thought I would acknowledge that, that I could ever acknowledge it, but I gladly and readily do so now.
I mean, goddamn!!! I was wrong!!! I was completely wrong. I was absolutely dead f*cking totally wrong!! But that was denial at play. That was suppression locking me up tightly within its burdensomely heavy chains of spite and loathing of self. That was my mind telling my psyche and soul to go **** itself. That was me giving into the taint and darkness of fear and chaos. I was totally lost, and I knew it not. I knew it not until I could not help but know it, or otherwise commit suicide in the wake of its shadow.
But this post is not about darkness. It is not about self-inflicted abuse. It is not about failure.
Instead, this post is about self-healing. It is about finding the right path and doing the right thing. It is about life. It is about living. It is about love.
Two-hundred and eighty-seven days into HRT, I feel great!! I feel amazing!! I feel fantastic!!! I feel right!!
HRT is changing my body. My mind is evolving under its influence. My thoughts and feelings are becoming what they should have been from the very beginning. HRT is changing my outlook on life. HRT has provided me hope that I can be real and that life can work for me. For the first real time in my life, I feel legitimate, and I feel that I deserve my chair at the table.
I recognize that I still have much, much work to complete. I recognize that this work will not be easy. And I recognize that finally becoming the real me will be much harder than I can possibly imagine at this point. I am not naïve in this. I know the deal. I am not so full of myself to say that I will handle it with grace and dignity. I am sure I will fall completely apart here and there as I have done in the past.
Now, however, the difference is that I want this!! I need this!! I know it is right. Because for the first time in my life, I feel like I am real. I feel like I am being true to myself. I feel alive. I know that with each passing day, I am becoming more and more authentic. And I love myself for these things. These feelings and emotions validate me. These feelings and emotions bring me strength that I did not think I ever possessed. These feelings and emotions make life worth it.
Having finally tasted such self-worth and love, I do not ever, ever want to let go of this. I cannot let go of this. I will not go back. I cannot ever go back. I do not want to go back. Who I was was a false person, and that false person is dead and buried. Rest in peace, mother****er!!! You had your time messing my life up, now it’s MY turn, and I aim to make the most of it and make it right!!!
It was a little more than a year ago that I began my pursuit of HRT in earnest. After fighting the dark thoughts, fighting the chaos, fighting the craziness, fighting the intensity, fighting the need, and doing all that I could to keep from doing so, I finally came around and recognized a truth that ultimately changed my life for the better – in so fighting against “it,” I was in reality fighting against “me.” Of course, I had been fighting against “me” practically my entire life, but this time it was different. It was dramatically different, and thankfully so.
In this, I was desperate. I needed change. I needed to embrace the truth. I was dying inside. I needed to embrace authenticity. I hated myself. I needed to embrace myself. I couldn’t lie anymore. I needed courage and strength. I was so afraid and scared and weak. I needed to learn to love, appreciate, enjoy, and respect myself. My life wasn’t working out, I was miserable, and I was a train-wreck in the making. I needed to do something. I was worthless. I needed to do something big. I felt so small and pitiful inside. I needed to do something for me. I had always given in to others at the expense of myself. I needed to begin the process, to really begin the process, of becoming the real me.
And this I did, and this I am doing. I am becoming me.
It’s funny, though, because I thought that “I” could never exist in this world. I thought that "I" could never make “me” work.
Turns out, though, that I was wrong. In fact, I have been wrong about a great deal many things in my life. I have been wrong about almost everything, to be sure. But that’s okay now. There was a day not so very long ago that I never thought I would acknowledge that, that I could ever acknowledge it, but I gladly and readily do so now.
I mean, goddamn!!! I was wrong!!! I was completely wrong. I was absolutely dead f*cking totally wrong!! But that was denial at play. That was suppression locking me up tightly within its burdensomely heavy chains of spite and loathing of self. That was my mind telling my psyche and soul to go **** itself. That was me giving into the taint and darkness of fear and chaos. I was totally lost, and I knew it not. I knew it not until I could not help but know it, or otherwise commit suicide in the wake of its shadow.
But this post is not about darkness. It is not about self-inflicted abuse. It is not about failure.
Instead, this post is about self-healing. It is about finding the right path and doing the right thing. It is about life. It is about living. It is about love.
Two-hundred and eighty-seven days into HRT, I feel great!! I feel amazing!! I feel fantastic!!! I feel right!!
HRT is changing my body. My mind is evolving under its influence. My thoughts and feelings are becoming what they should have been from the very beginning. HRT is changing my outlook on life. HRT has provided me hope that I can be real and that life can work for me. For the first real time in my life, I feel legitimate, and I feel that I deserve my chair at the table.
I recognize that I still have much, much work to complete. I recognize that this work will not be easy. And I recognize that finally becoming the real me will be much harder than I can possibly imagine at this point. I am not naïve in this. I know the deal. I am not so full of myself to say that I will handle it with grace and dignity. I am sure I will fall completely apart here and there as I have done in the past.
Now, however, the difference is that I want this!! I need this!! I know it is right. Because for the first time in my life, I feel like I am real. I feel like I am being true to myself. I feel alive. I know that with each passing day, I am becoming more and more authentic. And I love myself for these things. These feelings and emotions validate me. These feelings and emotions bring me strength that I did not think I ever possessed. These feelings and emotions make life worth it.
Having finally tasted such self-worth and love, I do not ever, ever want to let go of this. I cannot let go of this. I will not go back. I cannot ever go back. I do not want to go back. Who I was was a false person, and that false person is dead and buried. Rest in peace, mother****er!!! You had your time messing my life up, now it’s MY turn, and I aim to make the most of it and make it right!!!