Wife Found Out

[Marsha Marsh]

Well it happened.She found out. I was really stupid and I left a picture of me "dressed" on my laptop. She was down loading some pictures and she found it. She is really upset and feels betrayed. I do not blame her as I guess I would feel the same way. Anyways, we talked and I tried my best to explain how I felt and why I do what I do. I did the best I could and listened to her and let her vent. She means the world to me and I would be lost without her and I made it clear that I would do anything she wants to stay together. I also told her that this is just part of who I am and I do not know how to explain it, but this is me. She has agreed to go to Therapy with me and to try to work things out. I really hope we can work everything out and ask that you all keep us in your prayers.
Hugs,
Marsha Marsh

[Requal Jo]

My thoughts and prayers are with you Marsha.

[lingerieLiz]

Hope you make it. Get a therapist who has experience with CDing. Many of them have no clue.

[ReineD]

I hope you make it too, Marsha.

Obviously I don't know your wife, but if she's like the rest of us she will have the hardest time of all with the fact that you didn't tell her. I know you were afraid to and you felt stuck between a rock and a hard place so I'm not trying to fling it in your face. I'm just wanting to let you know from your wife's point of view (again if she is like the rest of us), that the trust in your marriage has been eroded big time. And sometimes, it is the eroded trust that prevents acceptance of the CDing, or if it doesn't prevent it, it delays it for a long time.

So just a head's up ... your best strategy at this point is to be completely and utterly honest with your wife about every little thing about the CDing from now on. This means every item purchased, every time you dress, every website you belong to (or if you don't want to tell her about some of the websites, stop going there entirely). It's safe to tell her about this one, in fact after she gets over the shock, maybe you can suggest that she become a member.

All of this may seem harsh, but I cannot impress enough on you (and others) that it is imperative to regain the trust from your wife if you hope for any advance with her acceptance of the CDing. And the only way to do that is to give it all up and let her know every little thing, even if you think that she will not be pleased. At least she will know that you are being honest.

:2c:

For those of you who have not told your wives yet, think long and hard about this. If you think that she will not accept, please know that she will accept even less if and when she finds out on her own.

[Beverley Sims]

Marsha
These things do happen and until the right time is found to let others know you do have to take care in what you do.
I hope it all works out for you.

[barbara gordon]

Hey
good luck . I told my wife of 14 years and it didnt go well. we are soon to be divorced after 2 years of being separated . ugh. its difficult . Perhaps it wasa mistake not to tell earlier , but thats how it went and you cant change the past . Please be careful about a cascade of info to your wife about the depth of what it means to you . yes its important to be honest and forth coming , but self preservation is also critical. My wife ended up telling the whole world of our mutual friends and family , even now after two years . Friends of mine have turned away and took her side . There was even the suggestion by her friend that my parenting of my kids was flawed because of being cd/tg. ugh..go find a lawyer before it gets critical .... tell all to your lawyer , tell all to your therapist , and do tell all to your mom and your sisters if any. but please be cautious of what details you tell your wife ... it is terrible to think but more info during a time of shock can cause more hurt to BOTH of you. I deeply love my wife , and she says that she loves me still, but , she says that she can not be married to me. I tried hinting over the years ,but never had the nerve to tell full on , until it was too late ........ Hope fully there is a chance for you both to get over this and for both of you to have peace with it . two years out and a few weeks away from final paperwork , I have some heartbreak , and some Regret and some Peace. After all of this time , Strangely , there is a kind of relief in knowing that the deep mystery of being exposed is over. Survive and thrive. Please Respect the fact that your wife is in shock , do your best not to shock and sadden her more.

[Rachelakld]

Hi Marsha,
My prayers are with you and your wife.

To those who have held this a secret from the SO, see Reine advice below.
For those moving it to relationships, let them know all of you fully before they commit.

[Dalva]

I can't speak from experience and probably never will, but Marsha, the tempest now will subside eventually. I can't offer advice but Reine's is probably the most astute post thus far.

All the best...I hope you can manage to work things out.

[Maria 60]

Just take it slow don't push her, I don't know you and how your marriage was before the picture was seen but if the marriage is strong there shouldn't be a problem. It's not like she seen a picture of you with another women or you gambled your life savings away. This is a small hurdle compared to other things. I know it has everything to do with trust and hiding things from her. I hope it all works out and keep us informed on how it is going.

[jenni_xx]

Hi Marsha

My thoughts are with you and your wife. Finding out that way really must have been a shock for her, but what you said about doing the best you could to listen to her and let her vent is, really important. I also think that total honesty is needed from you towards your wife from now on. No matter how difficult you find the questions that she asks, you have to be completely truthful, not evasive, and as clear as possible. For example, if she asks why you didn't tell her, don't be afraid to tell the absolute truth, no matter what the reason was. As Reine says, rightfully in my opinion, trust and the loss of trust will be the biggest obstacle now. So the only way to get passed that is by being completely honest.

It's good that she has agreed to go to therapy with you and that she wants to try and work things out. It is an encouraging sign that she is wanting to tackle this head on.

I wish you and your wife all the best.

[Joanne f]

I hope it works out OK for you both but at the moment your attention should be on helping your wife get over this shock that has no doubt upset her and more and lightly upset you that she has found out in this way , your wife is going to be very worried about what other things you might be hiding from her so when she asks anything now is a good time to be completely honest with her and hopefully your wife will understand why you have kept it from her and if she is willing to re trust you then you have to trust in her , hoping it works out for you both .

[Michelle V]

PLEASE be honest in therapy, do not say things because they sound like the right thing to say and not get the benefit from it. My mom spent a lot of money sending me to Doctors and instead of working my issues I pretty much told them what they wanted to hear to save face and avoid confrontation. I wish I would have been more honest, I believe I would be a better person today if I knew years ago who I really am inside
. I wish you the best of lucks and remember if you are not truly happy inside you cannot honestly make your wife happy and may only be delaying the inevitable. Head up be honest and things will work out.

[Marsha Marsh]

Thanks for the support everyone, ESP ReineD, After not sleeping all night I feel both at a loss of what to say to her and relief that I no longer have to hide who I am. I want so much to help her understand why I felt that I had to lie to her and hide who I was all there years. We have what I think is a great marriage and I hope that by going to therapy she can see why I felt I had to hide my CD'ing from her and more importantly help me figure out how to rebuild her trust in me. All of my life I have struggled with my CD'ing and at times I just wish that it would go way, I know I Know, it is part of me, but now it has caused the one I love the most to hurt beyond anything that I can imagine.
Marsha

[Michelle (Oz)]

Very tough situation Marsha. I suspect that your wife's reaction wasn't just from the shock of finding out that you dressed but seeing a photo of you. The visual impact can leave an indelible memory.

Anyhow done deal. The longer term strategy for you now is to turn the discovery into a positive. That may be as much as her knowing that you dress and wanting nothing to do with it. At least you will feel more honest and have less to fear by rediscovery. That's where I'm at now with micro steps toward greater tolerance.

So how do you get there? There is no proven formula - in fact the forum is littered with failed marriages. And I have one of those too. Some suggestions:

don't make promises you won't keep
don't purge your clothes but make sure they are out of sight
you are not sick and there isn't a cure - my psychologist assured me of this
be understanding of your wife's shock but not defensive as if you are a bad person
apologise for bringing the elephant into the room. We really have done that and disturbed the harmony of the marriage but we keep it hidden so that we don't hurt our wives
constantly reassure her that you love her and she means the world to you

Reine made a point to those who haven't told their wives that they should. Revealing is a very complex issue and not a simple choice. Tread carefully in the full knowledge that our wives have choices too - stay or leave.

The fact that your wife will go to a therapist is a very promising sign Marsha. It says to me that she wants to work this out for the sake of your marriage but don't be surprised if she thinks you can be treated by the therapist. Make sure you go to a therapist who has TG experience.

A therapist will also give your wife someone to talk to and help her understand. My wife was not prepared to go to the psychologist with me (or any other) and wouldn't join the forum so she had no one to help her.

Stay strong Marsha.

[kimdl93]

I hope that the therapy and openness will help you and your wife get past this.

[Marcelle]

Hi Marsha. Sorry to hear about your issue and I truly hope that therapy will provide you both with some understanding and closure. I agree with an earlier post and speaking as a professional in the field, find a therapist who has an understanding of CD/TG. We are not all created equal some are counselling psychologists who generalize and have a basic understanding and other are more specialized. So before you launch with a therapist, ask what his/her background in CD/TG counselling is as well as if he/she has counselled couples.

While you move forward, I think Michelle (OZ) provided the most sage advice in that you should not make promises you can't keep as that will inevitably go wrong and don't be defensive as if you did something wrong, you are not a bad person and should not be made to feel like a criminal.

I won't lie, therapy can be hard and a lot of things are going to come up. As a therapist I appreciate honesty when dealing with clients. Bring that honesty to the table. Show your love and support to your wife and hopefully things will work out.

Many hugs for you sweetie

Isha

[Di]

Sorry :sad:
First thing
But please do not make promises you can not keep....can not stress this enough.
Because usually the feeling of being betrayed is the hardest thing for most wives to get over. And if you still hid things or promise to never dress again it is like repeatly opening the wound . Answer her questions honestly and maybe ask her here so we can help her understand.
Best Wishes:hugs:

[Rachael Leigh]

I wish you well it's very difficult for our SO especially when they find out like this. May God bless you

[JamieG]

I just wanted wish you and your wife luck in working through this difficult time. If I were you, I would take a short break from CDing and focus on her. Try to do something nice for her, and if she's willing, go do something together that both of you have always enjoyed. It's important that she realizes that you are not a different person now.

[WandaRae2009]

I have been where you were. I thought things were going to be over until we did schedule a meeting with a counselor. Chose one that is versed in gender issues. Otherwise you may get one that will try to "fix" you. Check with your local support organizations. They often maintain a list of recommended counselors. That is how I found the one that we went to. It did save our marriage. Before going my wife was afraid the counselor was going to try to push transition. That was not the case. After a one session, my wife and I came to terms with my cross-dressing. She still doesn't like it, but understands it is not going away any time soon. We are on a DADT, but she gives me some time along with some other guidelines we worked out. The counselor did not even push more sessions. We left, she said that we should be OK with this one session, be if we needed her she was there. And best of all when she submitted the insurance she put it through as depression. Which was right but she left out the gender issue.

Most of all is communication and understanding from both of you. Good luck working through this

[Maslow's Mum]

After not sleeping all night I feel both at a loss of what to say to her and relief that I no longer have to hide who I am. I want so much to help her understand why I felt that I had to lie to her and hide who I was all there years. We have what I think is a great marriage and I hope that by going to therapy she can see why I felt I had to hide my CD'ing from her and more importantly help me figure out how to rebuild her trust in me. All of my life I have struggled with my CD'ing and at times I just wish that it would go way, I know I Know, it is part of me, but now it has caused the one I love the most to hurt beyond anything that I can imagine.
Marsha

Tell her what you've just told us, Marsha.
You both are in my heart and prayers.
And a big supportive hug!

[Barbara_Jean]

Hi Marsha
I'm very sorry to hear about the problems you and your wife are having. I wanted to offer you this.
When people experience a traumatic event, they go through a process called "SARA" which stands for Shock, Anger, Readjustment, Acceptance. People have to go through all four parts of this process before it's all over, which is why the last part is Acceptance.
People go through each step at their own pace as well. It sounds like your wife went right from Shock to Anger. She may stay there for a long time before getting to the Readjustment part which is the critical part. As in Barbara Gordon's case above, her wife decided she still loved him, but could not be married to him.
Remember also that YOU are going through SARA too.
I wish you and your wife all of the luck in the world and I hope things work out well for you. I think your decission to seak councling together is the right step.

[Cheryl T]

Of course she feels betrayed and lied to. We betray everyone and lie to everyone trying desperately to protect Ourselves as we struggle with our secret. WE are afraid to let others know, especially those closest to us, as we don't want to lose them.
I say this from first hand experience. I was engaged to a woman years ago and she found a nightie I had ordered. The day we got engaged she asked me about it thinking I had bought it for some other woman. Having never lied to her I decided to come clean. I told her it was for me. She handed back the ring, broke the engagement and told me she "wanted a man, not a freak". After weeks of thought she came to me asking if we could work it out. I told her no and she left, that was over 35 years ago. When I met and married my wife the last thing I would ever do is tell her fearing I would again lose the one person I dearly love. She found out anyway and we talked but she wasn't ready. Back in the closet I went, hiding and lying again until about 10 years ago when I could take it no longer.
Now she is the most supportive I could ever have wished for and things worked because the time was right for us.

It's not because we want to lie to those we love, it's because we are so afraid of losing them due to something we ourselves don't understand. In essence, we are betraying ourselves to protect ourselves.

Just be honest and open...maybe she will be able to see the truth and understand. After all, ... Love conquers all...

[TxKimberly]

Good luck Marsha. :)

[MatildaJ.]

First I want to send kind thoughts to Marsha -- I appreciate that you're going through a very painful and difficult time right now. So I hope this doesn't come across as a personal attack; I'm just trying to get people to think a little more about the difference between persona & identity.


I feel...relief that I no longer have to hide who I am.


It's important that she realizes that you are not a different person now.

As a wife, I just want to say that the open CDer does seem like a different person. To the CDer, it's a relief not to have to hide, but to the wife, it often seems like a new persona has taken over the old persona's life and marriage. And this new persona brings along a ton of baggage: not just new outfits which somehow have to fit into the existing closets & dressers, but also emotional baggage and secrecy: the wife can't tell any friends or family about these changes, even though it's all she can think about.

So, yes, Jamie's advice is good: as much as possible, do try to do things together that both of you have always enjoyed. If you can keep the CDing limited to just a few times a month, try to spend as much time as you always have going out (as a guy) and doing fun things with her. That's the only way to show her that you are basically the same person now -- by presenting the same persona she's used to, most of the time.

I just want CDers to acknowledge that they can't roll out an entirely new persona (one who wears women's clothes every possible chance) and expect their wife to treat them as if they're still the same person she married.

[Maria in heels]

Marsha...I hope that everything works out for you and the wife. Please remember to take things slowly, don't argue with her, and try to understand that she needs to work this out by herself

[MysticLady]

When people experience a traumatic event, they go through a process called "SARA" which stands for Shock, Anger, Readjustment, Acceptance.

That's going to be the hard one. She may accept it, once your gone.

Marsha, that sucks, that you got busted. Yes, I guess you may feel like you betrayed her but it was not intentional. My suggestion would be, don't baby her. Yes, talk w/ her but don't kiss her ass on every little thing. Own it, by letting her know that this is you and that you enjoy this and have embraced it. Don't promise her anything. You're going to find out if this woman really loves you or not. This is going too be the real test. It's going too be a rough ride so, brace yourself. She may want too turn your world inside out and upside down. Therapy might be good for her. JMHO

[thechic]

Hope all ends well I know it will be hard,it will be the lying and the going behind her back with the photos that will be the big issue .you must regain her trust ,just let her have some time, then open up to her and explain to her, No lying. This will make or brake your relationship.

[Jill Devine]

This is a tough one. Nobody likes being lied to.
Rule #1 if your wife is ever going to find out it needs to come from you voluntarily. Being caught out is the worst route.

Good luck - there's some great advice in this thread. And a lesson for those still sneaking behind their wife's back.

[kimdl93]

I would like to add a little advice. If you and your wife can talk calmly about the subject, of course, do so. But I would advise putting contentious issues on a list for discussing in therapy. Your counselor can help control the tone of communications and diffuse especially difficult subjects.

[Marsha Marsh]

Thanks Everyone,
The Therapist we are going to see is one that I have just recently started seeing and she has a background of working with crossdressers. My wife seems to be doing OK over the last few days, but I am sure that she is hurting beyond anything I can imagine.
This is really hard, but it would be a lot harder if I did not have all of your support and great advise. I would have made a lot of mistakes with out your help. Thank you and God bless.
Marsha

[Amy Lynn3]

Marsha, I know I am not much help in these issues, but just a footnote to all the good advise so far.

Allow her to see you upset over this on your own. Example: Let her come into the room and catch you weeping, in sorrow over this. Allow her to know you are hurting just as much as she is. You can tell her all day long, but until she sees your pain, I think it will take even longer to get over this bump in the road. Just my 2 cents. Good luck, as I feel your pain.

[Lacyfem]

I can only imagine what you and your wife are going through as my wife who I love dearly does not know either. I've been chastized before here for not being honest and forth coming about my crossdressing like it's a piece cake to let your SO know you love being what society likes to call us as perverted. So if found out almost impossible to explain as would have to go clear back to dressing in my mom's things when I was 9 years old and eventually dressing in most of the womens' lingerie in our neighborhood in my teenage years. Is a thearpist going to get your wife to accept so you can keep dressing or is she or he going to convince you that you are sick and to stop dressing if you truely love your wife and want to save your marriage. I can so feel for you as I've dressed for years and love my fem side and don't want to give it up much like I would think you don't either or you wouldn't be here asking for opinions. I know when I dress I feel great and fem and when looking in the mirror or having a picture taken I look pretty good and I'm very good at acting fem and letting that side out without going over the top. However, if not in a dark place, still not passable and would imagine if my wife were to see me she would think I would look rediculous and probably wouldn't blame her. Our problem is we didn't deal with this early on so when we went into our relationship it should have been out front as I now wish I had done. I would have stayed single filled my closets with fem things, some minor surgery changes and having a SO who loves me fem being either a man or a CD. That's hindsite which is worthless in your and my situation. It's nice for you to get your situation out here and as the gurls have a lot of ideas for you. Best of luck to you and if you'd ever like to chat just let me know as perhaps I can be more comforting and helpful. Hugs to you honey!

[Suzanne F]

Marsha I know the pain you are going through. I came out to my wife voluntarily about 7 months ago. It was difficult and there have been ups and downs. But I wanted to tell you that there is hope. My wife has been challenged but remained supportive. She goes out with me and also let's me meet some ladies from this forum out in San Francisco on my own. That didn't happen overnight but we have worked through many issues. It is so great to be free from hiding who I am. I believe it is worth it! I am not saying this happens for everyone or even if it should be their goal. I just want to say that there is hope if 2 people love one another and are willing to work together.
Good luck!
Suzanne

[heatherdress]

Good luck, Marsha.

Make sure you find a good therapist - one who you both feel confident with. There are good therapists and there are therapists.

Good luck and do the best you can do. You can't change the past. Don't try. Focus on the future.

[dominique]

Hi Marsha, this is how my wife about me. Well we cried together shouted at each other for a few days after it happened. What really hurt me was that every time i tried to touch her like just a little loving touch she drew back. But after a few months it got better and now we're happy. But I told her I'd stopped but I just couldn't do it. Its a very large part of who I am. Just keep at it and with time it should work itself out.