Want to talk to wife about starting hrt

[Traci-nc]

Sorry for the long winded and rambling post.


I have thought about this for a long time, and I have regretted not doing it sooner. I felt like I have robbed myself of happiness for such a long time. I have weighed out the pros and cons of doing hrt. My wife is very supportive, but she has mentioned before certain lines she would not want me to cross. I know she does not want me to have full srs. I am fine with that as I don't have a problem with what I have down there. She has said she would be worried about loosing family and people thinking she was a lesbian. Both are valid concerns, I do worry about losing two of my children whom live with their mother out of state. I know it will take time for effects or hrt to be visible and I don't know if it would be feasible to think I can pull off being both sexes. I know in the past when we have talked about things that she is not comfortable with she kind of shuts down and tells me to do what ever I want. Now I have always hated that answer going way back to when my mom would tell me that. I just need to find a common ground that everyone can be happy with. Shes fine and very accepting of my crossdressing, I just fear that this may be too much for her to handle. I have also mentioned maybe going to support groups but she did not seem to interested plus she works 55+ hours a week. This is such a great and supportive community I am sure that there will be tons of helpful information from you girls on how to handle this situation.

[Marcelle]

Hi Traci. My first question would be are you seeing a gender identity counsellor to discuss transitioning. He/she might be able to help you bring clarity to what you are experiencing and perhaps help in working through this with your wife. I agree, this is a big step.

Hugs

Isha

[stefan37]

Ask her if she would be ok with: your skin softening. Developing breasts. Non functioning genitals. Your brain chemistry will change. Starting hrt is a serious decision and a spouses tolerance initially can go south quickly. Make sure you are completely honest and truthful no matter how painful the topic. See a gender therapist to help sort out your issues. Best of luck

[Traci-nc]

I would like to see a counselor as I am sure it will help me better express my feelings and explore who I am and who I want to be. But it is something that I would like to talk to her about first. Since I don't want her to feel like I am keeping things from her. Also our insurance would not cover the visits and that would be an extra expense that I would have to talk to her about anyway.

[cdmorganashley]

i know you stated that you have given this a lot of thought, and i have to admit i have thought a lot about hrt myself but i wanted to contribute a couple of thoughts about hrt: 1. there are serious health concerns with taking hormones 2. i personally would only start them if i felt life was unlivable without them... the fact that hormones changes your body, and mind to some extent as was mentioned, really concerns me when thinking about your wife's reaction to this, as even if she supports your doing what will bring you happiness i can see how it could effect her perception of you in a different way than crossdressing does... ultimately i think the hrt decision is one we have to make for ourselves, and i would recommend being as open and honest about your reasons for wanting to start them as you can; i would make sure to let your wife know how much she means to you, and how much you value your marriage and her support... i would also try to picture yourself in her situation (if she wanted to start taking male hormones) and think about what your reaction would be... it may not be the same as hers, but it might be helpful in understanding the impact this news can have on a spouse... i wish you the best of luck with this and with the hrt; i hope it brings you happiness as we all deserve to be happy

[TxKimberly]

"Danger Will Robinson . . . "
That's a HUGE step, and the breaking point for the wives of several people I know. I suggest that you think HARD and long about this, and as cynical as it may sound, I suggest that you don't have this discussion with your wife unless you are prepared for the possibility of divorce.
Admittedly, I don't know you and I don't know your wife, and perhaps your wife doesn't mind the thought at all. I offer this advice based on what I have seen happen to two very good and close friends of mine. With both, they told their wives that they wanted to have HRT, and BOTH were separated in less than six months. . .

[Brenda456]

Kimberly is wise and well spoken. And right.

[jenni_xx]

I'm going to be blunt. I think you are trying to live a fantasy. Starting "hrt" isn't about thinking you "can pull off being both sexes", so you're right in doubting the feasibility of this.

It's one thing having a wife who is accepting of your crossdressing. But I wonder that because your wife is fine with that, that you are wanting to push the envelope just that little bit further. You say you would like to see a counselor - I think that is a very good idea. Before starting anything, you need to be sure about what you want, and seeing a professional who is objective is the best place to start.

[MatildaJ.]

I don't have a problem with what I have down there.


Ask her if she would be ok with ... Non functioning genitals

Traci, if the two of you still have fun having intercourse together, you have to confront the fact that that part of the marriage probably won't last. That's a huge deal to most people who enjoy intercourse. Have you had that part of the conversation yet? She may not know what HRT will change.

[Jill Devine]

Big big big difference between crossdressing and doing HRT. Chalk to cheese.
I wish you well but HRT and being married to a GG does not go well together.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Traci;
..... she has mentioned before certain lines she would not want me to cross. (It sounds as if you are determined to cross all boundaries )
I know she does not want me to have full srs. ( What is the purpose of HRT, if not to prepare to eventually have SRS ? )
I am fine with that as I don't have a problem with what I have down there. ( You really need to read up on the effects of HRT 'down there', especially since there won't be much functionality 'down there' . There are lots of threads about it)
She has said she would be worried about loosing family and people thinking she was a lesbian. ( Are you listening to what she's saying ? )
I do worry about losing two of my children whom live with their mother out of state. (if your ex does not know , prepare yourself for the worst)
I know in the past when we have talked about things that she is not comfortable with she kind of shuts down and tells me to do what ever I want. (There is a lot of unspoken information she is telling you here, number one that you do not value what she is saying, so whey should she talk ? )
Now I have always hated that answer going way back to when my mom would tell me that. (You have two people in your life who are telling you that you talk until you get your way)
I just need to find a common ground that everyone can be happy with. ( You cannot please everyone, the hard part is that you WILL have to make choices and not everyone will be happy. )

You have mentioned that the cost of counseling is too expensive, I would think the cost of no counseling may be more expensive.

you may want to consider giving you SO some breathing room and spend some time with a counselor

Shes fine and very accepting of my crossdressing, I just fear that this may be too much for her to handle. ( First impression's are usually correct)

[Traci-nc]

Many valid points have been made and I am very thankful for everyone's input and thoughts on this. I know I have much more to think about and a long hard path ahead no matter what path I take.

[windycissy]

Not knowing you personally it's hard to give advice, but I must say you are living what would be a dream for many of us: you have a wife you love who accepts you as a crossdresser. That's an awful lot to be thankful for.

[Allesandra Rhodes]

Traci I will assume you are an educated beautiful person who really means the best. That said I won't sugar coat this. Like others here I have watched many, many of us girls go down this road and most of them ended up doing it alone. Losing most of their loved ones, and losing the support of those around them too. Now we can support you. I'm only saying, er rather asking, are you sure you want to do this? Are you ready for what may happen?

It's refreshing to see most of you being so truthful in citing excellent points. First one that stands out for me by Stefan: "Your brain chemistry will change" and that my dear may change everything believe me. HRT begins the road to SRS, why else would you start? Crossdressers don't do this only to improve their skin, looks, cleavage etc.. In the end 'most' take the yellow brick road (sorry Tamara) to transitioning. She's going to guess this, even if you don't say it.

Like Kimberly said this is a BIG step!

"she would be worried about loosing family and people thinking she was a lesbian"= She doesn't want to be a lesbian, or at least have her peers think she is nor risk losing her family(including you). "she kind of shuts down" Are you listening to her silence?

"I know she does not want me to have full srs."= Bingo..

You may want to take more time on this, there may be no turning back.

We just want you to be happy. I doubt anyone is saying things to intentionally hurt you. I'm sorry if my words are misread that way.

[DianeDeBris]

Hi Traci - another thought, if you don't mind - the entire point of seeing the gender counselor is to work out your own issues and determine whether transition is truly appropriate for you - this step is mandatory, as you surely know, before anyone can proceed with SRS, and no American or Canadian surgeon will perform SRS unless your gender therapist has formally determined that you and SRS are an appropriate match - I assume you would go into the counseling with an open mind, willing to follow wherever it leads you, including possibly finding out that no level of transition is really for you.
Now imagine that, before you work out those issues, you have already uttered those final words "I want HRT" to your wife. They can *never* be taken back - and never forgotten. By saying those words before you have done the serious work, you forever change the way your wife sees you, before you even know if the words are true.
It amounts to crossing the bridge before you come to it.

[I Am Paula]

Everybody else has discussed the do"s and don'ts. I'll just offer my own experience.

My wife said 'Just do what you want' without much discussion. I was so desperate, I took that to mean 'You have all my support, go for it'.

Well, it didn't take long for things to start to go south. She had seen me presenting female for 17 years, but the realities of transition started coming fast. We hadn't had sex in years, so that wasn't the issue. The difference was as a man who wore women's clothes, even full time, she new it was me inside there. As a TS, suddenly she realized the man she married was gone, and she was faced with being in a same sex relationship, the subject of rumor and scorn, and dealing with a spouse who is going to spend a good chunk of her retirement money on parts she has no need for.

One of her biggest peeves is that our friends and family have so totally accepted me. She went looking for allies, and found none.

My marriage IS holding together...by a shoestring. We have good days, and bad days...probably more good days....but the bad days really suck. It's never knowing which it will be that's making my life difficult.

I fully understand the need for HRT. It saved my life, but comes with a cost.

[TheMissus]

I'm not sure how much of this you've told your wife, but I wouldn't mind betting when she tells you to do whatever you want and then refuses to discuss it further, that she's really not okay with most of it and may even be contemplating her options. I did this many years ago, right before I went back to live with family for a few weeks. He never saw it coming, but really I know he just saw whatever he wanted to see.

Haven't you ever heard the wise words that when a woman tells you nothing is bothering her, whatever, I'm fine with it etc, that you'd better BELIEVE she's bothered. Very bothered!

This, my friends, is all true, lol

[ReineD]

I am fine with that as I don't have a problem with what I have down there.

... I know it will take time for effects or hrt to be visible and I don't know if it would be feasible to think I can pull off being both sexes.

You cannot control how HRT will affect you. You may end up with breasts or you may not. You may lose sexual functioning, or it may only diminish. You will be playing havoc with your head space. HRT will change who you are and how you handle things.

I think you should talk to a gender therapist before taking any steps, and if it is determined that you are transsexual, then please only take hormones under the care of a doctor. You risk harming yourself if you do not.

Last ... do you go out much in the mainstream? You should go out a lot (at least twice a week for at least one year, just doing regular stuff) before deciding on whether you want to change your body or not. You may change your mind. You need to keep going out until it becomes old hat.

You're not wanting hormones just to help you pass better, in case you haven't been out yet, are you?

[Badtranny]

Why do you want to get on the juice?

I did it to help me transition more convincingly.

... it didn't help.

On the other hand, my roomie has B/C cup boobs after less than a year. How would your wife handle that?

[Beverley Sims]

Other respondents have answered the questions here and my advice is make your decision slowly.
The other party has to get used to new ideas, then putting those ideas into practice.
Any sudden advancement that does not let others adjust can turn the whole situation cold.
Trying to force the issue does not help, others have to get used to it "in their own time", not yours.
Start by suggesting what your aspirations are and proceed slowly without mentioning too much about progress.
Others will see it and get used to it "in their own time".
That is the key phrase along with all the hormone advice and experiences already discussed.

[Vickie_CDTV]

To give some perspective... from what I have seen over the years, it is usually the time between starting HRT and growing boobs that wives leave TSs most often... and all of those people I have known in that situation claimed their wives were supportive of their decision to go on HRT.

[Marleena]

Traci you're going to get all warnings by the looks of things and rightly so. Why blow your life up before you have concrete answers from seeing a gender therapist?

A better approach would be to tell your wife you need to see a gender therapist because of your gender issues.

[kimdl93]

I have to agree with those who strongly advise clarifying your understanding of your gender identity before resorting to chemical changes. Aside from the uncertain results, it seems to me that you are saying want to have it both ways. If you want that, keep doing what you are doing.

[Traci-nc]

Thank you everyone, I deeply mean it. Since this is all new to her its only fair to give her time to take all of it in. No need to rush into any rash decisions that will bite me in the end. I will just work on other things on presenting myself as female (voice, laser/electrolysis) I will discuss seeing a therapist with her. I know a few come highly recommended in Raleigh. Sometimes we cant have it your way this isn't burger king. In time if its meant for me and meant to be it will be. happen.

[Anne2345]

Thank you everyone, I deeply mean it. Since this is all new to her its only fair to give her time to take all of it in. No need to rush into any rash decisions that will bite me in the end. I will just work on other things on presenting myself as female (voice, laser/electrolysis) I will discuss seeing a therapist with her. I know a few come highly recommended in Raleigh. Sometimes we cant have it your way this isn't burger king. In time if its meant for me and meant to be it will be. happen.

Not sure I am following you here. HRT, voice training, permanent hair removal, trying to pull off "both sexes." And all of this (from what I can tell) without having had the benefit of discussing this with a qualified gender therapist yet? HRT is no small thing. But first, how do you identify yourself? Are you transsexual? If not, HRT is not for you. And any therapist that would recommend you for it should have his or her practice investigated. As for therapy, I note that you mentioned you will discuss seeing a therapist WITH her. I strongly recommend against this at this time. If your marriage is in trouble or jeopardy, seek the counsel of a qualified marriage counselor. But if this is only about you right now, you appear to lack answers to some pretty important questions. By independently seeking therapy, you will be free to delve into these important issues completely uninhibited. Believe me, this stuff can become overwhelming and scary quickly. No need to scare your wife off for no good reason until you know exactly what you are dealing with . . . .

[Angela Campbell]

I have thought about this for a long time, and I have regretted not doing it sooner. I felt like I have robbed myself of happiness for such a long time. I have weighed out the pros and cons of doing hrt. My wife is very supportive, but she has mentioned before certain lines she would not want me to cross. I know she does not want me to have full srs. I am fine with that as I don't have a problem with what I have down there.

I guess the main question is why are you considering HRT?

1. it is going to cause an effect down there that will be similar to srs......non functional.....little desire...

2. No problem with what is down there.....seems to be at odds with transition and HRT

[samanthasolo]

Tracy, the one think that I noticed you stated and no one has responded on or made mention of is you feel you have robbed yourself of happiness for far to long. You have weighed the pros and cons. WELL you are not considering the other persons happiness that you have been or may be robbing in the future. Your Wife!

I can say I am very lucky to also have a SUPPORTIVE wife, but the real reality of this is there is a big difference between supportive and understanding. I know that I don't totally understand what drives me so I don't expect my wife to understand. What I do know for myself and my relationship is that SUPPORTIVE will only go as far as the way things are today, and yesterday. I dress, she partakes if she chooses, I respect her decicions if she chooses not to. We communicate and respect mutual boundries which we agree apon. That is WE choose that no one in our families or friends knows and we both do whatever we can to maintain and protect that. I am sure that these similar things go for most CD's in a marriage. I would be willing to venture and say that just the mention of HRT to your wife will not only cost you your marriage, it will also cost you additional expenses for your own mental health and also legal expenses for a lawyer. Oh and that is just the tip of the iceberg, once the cat is out of the bag it will tickle down to all the rest of your family and friends.

Understand that your wife does love you by compromising herself to accept you. She loves you and wants you to be you. She also married a man and that will be something that will totally undo all of her selfless giving of herself.

I wish you luck in whatever you choose to do but so much more time, consideration, and soul searching will be needed by you before making a decision that will TOTALLY change every aspect of your life on every level of life.

[Traci-nc]

You are 100% correct Samantha we talked a little bit last night about a few things. She said that she loves seeing me happy and it makes her happy helping me be who I want. So I will take things day by day and let her become more accustomed to the whole idea. Since I have had 25+ years to deal with it and she has had only a few months.

[NicoleScott]

Shes fine and very accepting of my crossdressing.......

If she thinks you are "just a crossdresser", this is a game-changer.

[jackielou]

hello Traci-nc have you been wearing a padded bra or a bra with realistic forms and panties around your wife so she can see how you would look with a female breast shape you can go the HRT route route but if is only breast you want then consider implants it is a better way to keep your sex life and health so why not discuss this option with the wife before you start hormones if i had to do it over again i would get the implants

[linda allen]

You need advice from a qualified gender therapist, also a medical doctor, not advice from strangers on the Internet. You and your wife should both see these specialists. Nobody here knows you or your wife that well and people here have no stake in the outcome of whatever decision you make.

There are some bad side effects and risks from taking female hormones while still producing make hormones in your body. It's not all fun and games.

[Allison Quinn]

I agree with what others on here have said that a visit to a therapist would be very beneficial. For both of you I think it could help work things out quite a bit. But I agree with Anne as well in that you should figure out things about yourself as well. The therapist could easily shock your wife, as it would be talking about big changes. If you don't know what you want either yet a lot will need to be discussed. I've heard that going to sessions with your SO can be very beneficial down the road though. A few of the SO's i've spoken to on forums have said it's helped them a bit with coping with the situation.

And please please please don't self medicate. Hormones can be dangerous if not monitored. Doctor visits will be a thing that you need to look into as well :) I wish you all the luck ever!! and I hope things go well for you

From my own experience I at one point thought I would almost need HRT, but now i'm thinking I should not, and I'd be much much happier without. So I'd say the therapist can even help make sure it's 100% what you want, weighing out all the benefits and consequences and whatnot. Sometimes our minds change, but that's a more complicated thing to fix :c make sure it's absolutely necessary imo.

[Traci-nc]

I do think seeing a therapist would be very beneficial to both of us. I will have to talk to her about going to see one and making the time to do so. I am hoping it will help me and her better understand exactly what's going on inside. I have never been one to really know how to express that and even to me how I feel most of the time can be a mystery to even myself. I have always had self image problems and feeling of low self worth. So I guess its best to seek the help of a professional before doing any such drastic changes such as hrt.

[stefan37]

I think it is great you would like to go to therapy with your wife. But i think the wiser course would be to go by yourself initially.
You can discuss freely with your therapist. if you go with your wife you may be tempted to say things she may want to hear instead of honest communication with the therapist. Hrt is a very serious event in our spouses lives and can result in psychological changes about how our spouses think about us that can be irreversable.

I would not have been able to truthfully discuss how I felt had my wife been present. Transition is a serious life changing event and even just exploring it with other than an extremely open supportive spouse can end in disaster. A better course would be to havea discussion with your wife you have some gender issues you would like to explore. And you would like to talk to a gender therapist to help sort them out.

I wish you well and if you truly feel the need to start hrt and/or transition prepare yourself to lose your marriage. Hopefully that won't be the case but the statistics prove otherwise

[suchacutie]

Hi Traci. There are a number of us here who feel we are bigendered and try to maintain both gender presentations successfully. From what I've read in this thread it seems that you might have a lot more to explore before you will completely appreciate committing to being a women most of the time. You gender therapist will be a big help here. At the very least, test it out first. Live as a women for a month, including your relationship with your wife. You can still be male when your job requires it, but how can any decision be made without experience.

After a month dedicated to being a woman, the idea of hrt will have taken on new perspectives for both of you.

[Traci-nc]

That's such a good idea. I will definatly give that a go. I will also go see the therapist a few times first in order to sort out who I am. And when I get a better idea of that have my wife come with me.

[linda allen]

Don't count on transitioning or hormone therapy to fix your feeling of low self worth. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

[TxCassie]

I would advise to see a therapist who specializes in gender issues, particularly transitioning. A bigger plus would be if your wife could be part of conversation, not all, but when it's time. I see a therapist now, not to transition, but to better understand, accept, become comfortable with my gender issues, concerns, questions. A therapist will not provide the answers and magically have a definitive conclusion for you. The therapist will allow you to open up the discussion, the thought, be there for you to face your reality and let you come to the realization what is best for you. I believe you don't change but rather realize the person you always been but unrecognizable due our own construct.

I definitely would discuss this with a therapist for as long as it takes to confidently know HRT is want you need to become the person you feel is on the inside. HRT will terminate the "man" you are today, physically, mentally, and emotionally. While one may stop the HRT process, it's safe to say, you will never return to the "man" you are today once you begin and sustain treatment for a period of time. One pill will not change you, six months to a year worth of treatment, definitely.

As many already suggested, I would see a therapist, include your wife if possible, and become assured the what you see as your future.

Be well, dear.

Cassie :love: