I am what I am

[dreamer_2.0]

Past posts have shown an immense struggle with myself in not just self-acceptance but also whether this place, around you fine ladies, is right for me.

The struggle continues, but so does the researching and, thankfully, some progress has been made.

I am transgendered. If anything, this seems quite clear to me now. Others may have seen it all along, but I remained stubborn and ignored it. It's too hard to ignore now, perhaps it's because of all the research, as my head is rarely not filled with gender dysphoric thoughts, transitioning, and even a hatred towards GGs for no reason other than the fact they're GG. All of this is extremely difficult to avoid and/or control. GGs are ubiquitous, avoiding them isn't really possible.

I am transsexual. I have to be. What else would explain my feelings, how I long to be female and actually want to change my body? It also explains the dysphoria, my hatred for the-thing-between-the-legs, the lack of interest in traditional male activities and strong interest in traditional female activities. It also supports why antidepressants have so little effect on my emotions.

I've actively tried to disprove transsexual suspicions and search for a cure with no success. The more I read, the more the high heeled shoe seems to fit. Despite attempting to pull the plug on everything at therapy a couple weeks ago, attributing everything to a figment of my imagination, my therapist disagreed feeling this is all in fact very real.

My closest friend agrees with my therapist and, while she refuses to comment on whether I should or shouldn't transition, she doesn't think I'm going to get past the gender issues without help.

What is that help? Therapy will continue without a doubt as it's responsible for helping me get to this stage. HRT will almost certainly be requested. I say almost as the wait list for my city's gender clinic is 8 months long. I'm currently on it but have 8 more months to fully decide the next step. As HRT has less and less effect on your body the older you are, I'm concerned testosterone has poisoned my body beyond satisfactory repair. This concern likely shouldn't stop me though as there are many ladies much older than I who begin HRT.

Avoiding transition is a recurring theme on here (though people's insistence on following one's heart without properly researching seems to contradict this theme and frankly confuses me), so that's what I'm trying to do. Though having lost any and all zest for life, developed extreme depression, laziness and apathy, transitioning may be my best chance at an actual life again, assuming I want an actual life again. Having said that, transitioning will not fix my issues, I realize this. Those are left for myself to fix, though may be easier to do after committing to transitioning as I'd be working towards a life worth living. Although, is a transsexual life really worth living? The consensus appears to be 'yes'. Hopefully I'll be in agreence with that one day.

Hopefully one day I'll be able to write a post similar to Anne2345's recent HRT post.

Long story short, I've admitted to myself that I am not just transgendered but also transsexual. There's no pride in this though making me curious how others felt upon acknowledging their own transsexuality and how they eventually found pride in their differences? How about confidence?

[Kimberly Kael]

The struggle continues, but so does the researching and, thankfully, some progress has been made.

Progress is good, and I don't mean movement towards any particular goal. What really matters is a sense of coming to terms with yourself and the prospect of relief from the questions that have been torturing you. I'm glad it sounds like that's finally starting to happen.


Avoiding transition is a recurring theme on here (though people's insistence on following one's heart without properly researching seems to contradict this theme and frankly confuses me), so that's what I'm trying to do.

I think the overriding theme about avoiding transition is intended to avoid painting an unrealistically attractive picture of what it entails. It's awkward and complicated and expensive and frequently misunderstood. It doesn't address everything that's wrong with life. In some ways it's really a very small change, but for a tiny minority the upside is life-changing enough to be worth overcoming all the associated challenges.

You should be pretty darned sure before heading down this path, and yet research will only get you so far. There's no test or therapist that can give you a definitive answer. The research is far more about knowing what you're signing up for than knowing whether it's right for you. So it's down to knowing yourself and trying to get enough practical experience to make an informed decision.


Although, is a transsexual life really worth living? The consensus appears to be 'yes'. Hopefully I'll be in agreence with that one day.

I hope so too. There are certainly transsexual lives well worth living! I'd highly recommend mine, but it's taken. ;-)


There's no pride in this though making me curious how others felt upon acknowledging their own transsexuality and how they eventually found pride in their differences? How about confidence?

Getting comfortable and confident are crucial aspects of being proud. Finding and keeping friends and allies along the way is also incredibly helpful. For what it's worth, I'm proud of your drive and determination in handling the fact that you were dealt a very complicated hand in life.

[Angela Campbell]

I don't know if my experiences will be helpful to you since I knew I was transsexual since I was about 4. I never had any doubts that I was a girl. The problem I faced was finding the courage to actually do something about it. When the desire became overwhelming I knew I had to do something, but the one thing I needed was so frightening I could not bring myself to consider it. Eventually something broke and for a while I felt like I was out of control and this thing started happening and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it. I started down a path I once considered impossible and even unthinkable. Once I took the first step I kept telling myself That I really will not do this. It wasn't long before I knew there was no way I could not do this. From the first moment I actually realized it was possible there was no going back.

The only thing that was standing in my way was fear. And it was fear that went away slowly once I made the decision to go all the way no matter what the consequences. I found others like me and began to socialize with them. I met more and more. I guess I just got comfortable with the facts once I gave in and accepted that transition is going to happen and began taking action to begin. Now it is only time and money that is standing in my way. The money will come and the time will pass, the transition will be complete and successful. I found a therapist who specializes in transitions and I use his council to learn and to get guidance. The confidence comes when you begin to see progress and when you have a plan that is working.

What is right for you? Who knows. I don't, your therapist doesn't, no one but you can answer that. Yes it is frightening to face the unthinkable. Is a transsexual life worth living? I know several that agree with me in that I am happier now than I have ever been in my life.

[Amy A]

I'm really happy for you that you are starting to find some level of self acceptance. I know you've put a lot of time and energy into reaching this point but hopefully all that groundwork will help you feel more confident in whatever route you take from here.

As I've said to you before, the point when I realised I am transexual was terrifying, but when I came out to everyone and accepted my future it felt like a weight being lifted. Now I'm in a place I never dreamed I'd reach, and there's a small part of me daring to be hope that I can have a happy life.

It's a rocky road for all of us and there'll be lots of ups and downs but if you are being true to yourself that brings a huge reward. I really hope you can keep on making progress and your life can start to become happier.

Amy :)