Are you afraid of losing your male identity

[Marcelle]

Hi all. I promise this is not an Isha rant but more of a question which has cropped up in my own journey and I am looking for some feedback from all of you.

I know the title seems like a bit of an oddity considering that as CDers, most of us try to emulate women on some level be it just wearing the clothes or complete en femme (make-up, wigs, tucking, breast forms, etc.). The reason I have asked this question is that it came up in my therapy.

Last week in discussion with my therapist (who is a colleague and close friend) I told her that Isha is fast becoming a force of nature in my life and sometimes it gets hard to control her. The more I dress at home, the less I prefer to wear male attire . . . point in case wearing girl clothes and a wig (no make-up) as I type. My mannerisms are becoming for femme at home to the point where I have difficulty not doing so. Now this has not caused any tension between my wife and I but it is fast becoming an internalized worry. I also told my therapist that I am afraid that the more I go out as Isha publicly, I am afraid the same thing will happen with my public life and that eventually male me will slip away.

She told me that it is most likely an artefact of spending so much time denying and repressing a side of me that when I finally let go, it was like releasing a steam valve of emotion. It will steam out fast and furious in an uncontrolled manner but will eventually equalize and regain balance. Now being somewhat familiar with the human condition, what she says makes sense but still a part of me is concerned. I know this is referred to as the "pink fog" on this site and it seems aptly named.

In some of my original posts, I alluded to the fact that I felt my male and female identity were always one in the same. To some extent I believe that still. I can feel the calming emotional control that Isha brings when I am in male mode as I can feel the confidence and strength of my male side when I am en femme. However, there are times when I also feel they are distinctly in conflict with one another wrestling for possession of me in a "winner take all" game.

So my questions are:

1. Those of you who dress at home and occasionally go out but still spend a good portion of your time en male, do you fear losing your male identity?

2. For those of you who have decided to live most of your time en femme vice male, do you feel as though you have given up your male identity? . . . If you are TS I understand this is a different situation for you as you are a female trapped in a genetic male body.

3. For anyone who has experience the pink fog, did you find balance between the two halves or do you find it a constant struggle for control?

Really just curious what the community thinks and I welcome all responses from anyone on this. It is a big part of my journey now as I explore this with my therapist.

Hugs

Isha

[Zylia]

I only have one identity and part of that identity is that I occasionally (try to) present myself as someone of the opposite sex. I try not to do that too often because it takes time and effort and there are a myriad other things I also enjoy doing. Obviously there's the issue of it not being universally socially acceptable, even in a 'liberal' country like the Netherlands, but I digress. I find the idea that I somehow might lose my 'male' identity because I wear a bunch of clothes and makeup very weird. It takes a bit more than that.

[ArleneRaquel]

Being a member of group #2, I have lived 24/7 as a female (since 2004), but I've have not had surgery and I doubt that I ever will. However I feel that I have placed my male identity aside, but not away. There my came a time that I would go back to living, mainly as a man, with a strong feminine side. I haved dressed enfemme for over 55 years and I doubt that that I would ever give up the female side of me that desires femminine attire & accesories. Dressed as a lady is so much more rewarding that dressing as a drab male.

[Kate Simmons]

Strange as it may seem Isha, becoming a "woman" was what has helped me to enjoy being a man. I went through the motions before but I never really enjoyed being a guy until I lived my female side. Perhaps I appreciate more being a man after being a woman, I don't know for sure but I do feel more complete as a person and it's always totally my choice whenever I want to express myself en femme. Stranger things have happened I guess. Getting deeply in touch with yourself and your feelings helps. :)

[TxCassie]

Isha,

I had the very same conversation with my therapist this past week. I began seriously dressing about five-six years ago, with the last two years seeing my most progression with now having complete outfits and becoming bolder with my public shopping. I asked to what end, to what purpose is this journey for my life. How will Cassie "fit" in with the rest of my male life. I don't feel I need nor wish to fully transition, but I dare not stop dressing. I love my femme presentation. Yes, I would love to be "en femme" more minutes, be more public, just more. But I also love my male side, and value that life as well. I feel, I must admit, that I was not the "man" I thought, I constructed to be, but that is quickly becoming ok. I feel that "man" was a false presentation of my true self which is a strong mixture, balance of the masculine and feminine. But I also recognize, I do have the capability to "be" , to "live" as a man void of the outward feminine attributes I've come to embrace., now

Yet, to do so now, would to live a life with a 'façade that would eventually serve only to diminish the quality of my life. The façade would quickly morph into an instrument of suppression. Which in retrospect, was the way I was living. Thus, I have not lost something I never had in the first place. For if I had a more potent "masculine identity, I would have never possess the need to exhibit my persona 'en femme".

I am trying to come to terms to the masculine identity of which is mine, unique as it is. It is mine. I am who I am!

Peace Isha

Cassie :love:

[NathalieX66]

I have a number of friends who are transsexual, and transitioned , and they are happy as a clam in the sand. They are at peace with themselves, finally. I am glad to have them as my friends.

Me, I'm a crossdresser. I go out dressed as female regularly. I travel on trains, I fly on planes as a woman. I wear dresses.

I am not exclusively female, I see myself as both genders. The reality is I am not less of a man, I am more whole as a person. That's the place I find myself most happy.

Unlike my transsexual friends, I never transitioned, or did HRT. My male parts still roar the same as any man. I'm still boringly, but madly attracted to women. However, I just happen to dress like one. Don't know why...just is. Now I'm happy.

[Anne2345]

I also told my therapist that I am afraid that the more I go out as Isha publicly, I am afraid the same thing will happen with my public life and that eventually male me will slip away.

I haven't a clue about all of the other stuff you have written, but the quote I referenced above appears to me to be the crux of your post. What exactly are you afraid of? What are you? Who are you? What do you want? Who do you believe yourself to be? In the end, you will be you. Or at least this is what you should strive for. I get fear. I lived my life in fear. But at the end of the day, you should assess what is truly important to you, and figure out how you desire to proceed. That starts with learning more about yourself, and not being "afraid" to answer the tough questions (assuming there are tough questions) and look behind the curtains.

[cdmorganashley]

well, i do not fear losing my male identity, as i don't really care for it... as for the other notions you brought up i think it comes down to repetition--the more we repeat an action or behavior the more it becomes automatic to do and similarly the things we stop practicing so much, require more conscious effort and start to feel unnatural... so, i guess i think if you want your male identity to remain a strong part of you it's going to take a commitment to spend time presenting as a male and doing the things that reinforce that identity to you... i don't see why this can't happen if you make it a goal and find balance in the time you spend as male and female...

[AllieSF]

I only occasionally dress at home to stay at home, mainly to try on outfits for my next time out. I dress to go out 1 to 2 times a week when I can. Since I get out so much, I rarely have the "necessity" to go out. I know that if I don't go out for 1 - 3 weeks, I eventually will, so no big worry or disappointment, nor frustration. That being said, I am very happy in both male and female modes. I don't worry about losing either mode. However, since I am a late starter, I sometimes wonder if I may eventually take further steps than necessary. Right now it is one step at a time.

I agree with your therapist that sometimes we do push the envelope, over indulge, take advantage of the situation to be happy when we can, etc. I have seen so many here over the years that I have been here that seem to spurt, race and charge forward to do everything and anything to "be" themselves, only to see them later take some steps back to regroup and maybe even slow down to actually try to enjoy the trip and not race toward the finish line, that they don't even know where it is. So, letting off some steam to reach a balance probably is more common than we realize and actually may be a good think. It gives us a pause after the surge to look at where we were, where we went and if that is the route we want to take.

[suchacutie]

Tina's appearance was completely unexpected 8 years ago, and so was the subsequent revelation that what we thought was a completely male person was really a mix that we could now begin to separate making both gendered selves more distinctly one gender or the other. My male self is now stronger than ever as a result. Understanding both of my genders has been a boon to both of them.

[Bree Wagner]

1. Those of you who dress at home and occasionally go out but still spend a good portion of your time en male, do you fear losing your male identity?

3. For anyone who has experience the pink fog, did you find balance between the two halves or do you find it a constant struggle for control?


1. Nope. I've got to work at doing things in a feminine manner. Being male is far more natural for me, but I love exploring the other side of the aisle.

3. The stuggle is only based on circumstances. While home with the family I'd probably like to go out more than once a month or so, but circumstances make that difficult. I understand that and can live with it even if it isn't my ideal world. I certainly feel balanced, but that doesn't mean I might go off the deep-end for a few days or weeks if given the opportunity! ;)

[MissTee]

Initially, while in the fog I thought that might be the case. Over the years it has not. I like male me and female me. Plenty of room for both, and I want to keep it that way.

[Tracii G]

I have come to grips with both sides and nope don't think Tracii will ever totally take over.She has made a huge difference overall and I would say 75% of me is hers.
The male side is the remainder that takes care of business and can be quite serious , Tracii is the bimbo nut case that lives in my body.

[MatildaJ.]

Tracii is the bimbo nut case that lives in my body.

Thanks for sharing that -- it made me nod in recognition and grin to myself.

[Cynthia Anne]

I'm not afraid of losing my male identity at all! If I was afraid I wouldn't be trying so damn hard to lose it!

[Tamara Croft]

I've seen this time after time after time on this forum. Member comes out to wife and within a few days/weeks they are lost in pink fog... imho, this is what is happening to you, it's called 'new found freedom'... and after a while, it will either consume you and you'll end up in a straight jacket, or you'll get a grip with yourself and learn to balance it out :D

Happened with my SO, seriously got on my nerves lol... more clothes, more makeup, more wigs, more going out... blah blah blah... but that isn't enough, let's steal my makeup as well... then it faded out, which I'm glad about, because honestly, you have no idea what it's like living with a teenager (yes you lol) :D

[Oddlee]

Hmmm... Like another in this thread, i don't really feel that there are two of me, one masculine and one feminine. I asked a friend who has seen both aspects if she saw a difference. She said I walked differently en femme - well what can you expect between no heels and 3.5" heels? Anyway, I don't really think of myself as having two identities. I'm just me...

[AmyGaleRT]

This sort of thing happened to me, Isha...Sabrina really noticed it, too. After I came out to her, I was being Amy fairly often, but, eventually, I "settled down" and only did the transformation about once a week. It's been on an uptick recently; I've been Amy 2-3 times a week for the past couple of weeks, if only for a few hours at a time. So the pink fog has rolled in on me...but I lived through it. :)

I'm not afraid that my male identity will be "lost." In fact, I don't want to lose my male identity; Sabrina depends on that identity, and it has a professional reputation that attaches to it. Besides which, losing my male identity would be as bad for my goals as losing my female identity; I want to be someone who can function in society as either a man or a woman, and make myself a better person through these shared perspectives.

- Amy

[Jocelyn Quivers]

1. I hope my answers are not too confusing based on me using the multiple identities example:bonk:, Currently it's like my male side is almost volunteering to go away, and it's my femme side almost desperately trying to hold on to it. Regardless of how further and further I go down the gender continuum I realize I was born male and a part of me will always be so. If that male side identity goes away completely I cease to exist as the person I am even in 100% girl mode. Essentially I need my male side, the strength,security, stability worth ethic, and determination it provides.

Or for a better example use the Star Trek TOS episode where Captain Kirk goes through a transporter accident and his good and evil sides are separated into 2 separate people neither of which can survive for long while apart.

3. Still looking for balance with the pink fog. This year was the year my male side kind of took revenge and payback for all of the excess of my pink fog expenses. Be it video games, professional dress suits, actual newer male wardrobe, and even pigging out and eating fast food. All of which had been neglected or outright abandoned for make up, electro. A real sticking sore point being that's usually $55.00, a session, yet I will bitch with my male side forever that it is unjustified to spend $20.00 on DLC for any video game, let alone any whining about buying GTA V.

[Beverley Sims]

Isha,
Slow down, you are going at 90 miles per hour.
You have advanced very well in your appearance and presentation.
You are likely to hit a brick wall, both you and your wife.
The magic of it all goes, you look at each other and say what now.
Keep what you have in the way of progress but temper it a little.

I have not lost my male identity and I don't think you need to either.
Enjoy life as it is but slow down and keep something for tomorrow.
You might really need that therapist if you continue at a breakneck speed.

[kimdl93]

I don't know if this applies to me. I feel I'm the same person regardless of how I, dressed. I have found that the more of my life I spend as a woman, the better I like it. It's not that one side is winning out...it's that I have the option to choose and I choose female over male.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Isha , I too have remarked about your fast lane cd entrance . Your journey to date has been remarkable . I love your posts and your responses. However, sometimes I read into your posts that your "fast track " has a transition undercurrent. Are you loving your freedom of expression , are you deep into the pink fog or are you giving some consideration to transitioning? I hope you find peace.

[mariehart]

My male identity is fake, a construct that I formed in order to fit in with society's expectations of men. It was always delicate and rarely fooled anyone for long. I'm gradually letting it go without regrets.

[NicoleScott]

I am a guy with a male identity, and I like to dress up occasionally, more or less often depending on opportunities. For example, during a week-long vacation alone away from home, I dressed every day, sometimes two dressup sessions a day. Another example, when I was single again living alone, I dressed 3-4 times a week, as much as I wanted. But always, just a guy dressing up. As opportunities to dress change, either in the short or long run, so does my drifting into and out of the pink fog. As my vacation week approached, the pink fog was dense.
To turn your first question around, how about someone with a strong internal feminine identity with ample time spent en femme suddenly finds herself unable to dress much at all (TGMarla comes to mind). Would you expect the feminine identity to subside over time? Or is it supressed, acknowledging reality? Many here have, for various reasons, put away their CDing for years, only to return, and usually with a vengence. No, I don't think you lose whatever it is that drives you to crossdress, or your internal identity.

[Marcelle]

Hi all. Thanks very much for your replies and words which resonate well with me. I have just finished my therapy session and am back at home (took the day off) and have read through all the posts.

Today we discussed my male "high need to achieve" and brought that into perspective. I have always been a bit of an over achiever and will take something on with a vengeance until I master it. In relation to CDing, we looked at two possible things which may be driving my concern (1) I am not mastering presentation or blending and this is causing me concern hence I redouble my efforts to get better . . . more dressing, more attempts outward, blah, blah. (2) The internal drive to express that which was supressed for so long is exerting itself in an effort to make up for lost time and now that I have the freedom to do so, it is "full out".

Point in case, I went to my session dressed so she could meet Isha (her request). When we talked and she reflected my words back it was not Isha talking about why things are happening as fast as they are . . . it was me. She wanted to show me that while I was dressed differently and may have had a more feminine manner, I was still me and that which is Isha is just part of me.

Now, I don't think for one minute EUREKA! . . . I have all the answers to my concern when it comes to identity. This epiphany provides some clarity on what the drive is and now allows me to be more introspective with this breakneck speed of mine.

As an aside, Melissa in SE Tn asked me if I was thinking about transitioning ... nope. We ruled that out early in the process as it was the first thing we examined in order to determine which type of therapy would be best. Like everything right where it is and working. Just like dressing like a woman and expressing myself in a more feminine way.

Hugs and thanks

Isha

[Jaymees22]

Isha,
Slow down, you are going at 90 miles per hour.
You have advanced very well in your appearance and presentation.
You are likely to hit a brick wall, both you and your wife.
The magic of it all goes, you look at each other and say what now.
Keep what you have in the way of progress but temper it a little.

I have not lost my male identity and I don't think you need to either.
Enjoy life as it is but slow down and keep something for tomorrow.
You might really need that therapist if you continue at a breakneck speed.

Hi, I agree with Beverly you need to slow down. I went a little nuts at first too. I'm the total opposite of the type A personality you may possess so it was easy for me to calm down at look at this in a more sensible way. For me, not taking myself or dressing too seriously was the way to go to preserve my identity and my sanity. After reading some of your posts I felt a little worried about you, I'm so happy to hear that you do have a therapist.

Hugs Jaymee

[Marcelle]

Hi Jaymee,

Thanks much. Yeah, I will have to slow things down a bit but very hard for us Type A folks.

It is funny, at first I didn't think I needed therapy but when I returned to my parent occupation as a military psychologist after such a long hiatus, therapy was required as part of the introspective learning before I could begin working with clients again. We discovered early in the session that it might be wise to explore this area a bit more in depth.

Hugs

Isha

[Frédérique]

1. Those of you who dress at home and occasionally go out but still spend a good portion of your time en male, do you fear losing your male identity?
No. If anything, my male identity has been strengthened by MtF crossdressing…

2. For those of you who have decided to live most of your time en femme vice male, do you feel as though you have given up your male identity? . . .
Not applicable, in my case. It’s just not in the cards for me to be any other way…

3. For anyone who has experience the pink fog, did you find balance between the two halves or do you find it a constant struggle for control?
Some people wish to believe in “two halves,” and they enjoy the imaginary conflict that results…

[Caitlin_85]

The male side is the remainder that takes care of business and can be quite serious , Tracii is the bimbo nut case that lives in my body.
That's quite how I feel...when I'm a male at work or other formal occasions...it's just taking care of business...as soon as I am home and free from the more pressing responsibilities of life - I'm Caitlin and just so relaxed and so much more "me". But to answer the question - I'm never afraid of losing my male identity...it will always be there in some fashion.

[Polly R]

Hi Isha and All

I seem to be like the majority - a type 1 with the occasional drift into type 3 - the 'pink fog'.

I still work in a very male orientated place and love my job (heavy engineering) with a hobby that I love that's also very male orientated - also heavy engineering in the heritage steam restoration area...

However, I do have a more gentle, fem side - I do like to get dressed up at least once a week and get out occasionally to the local CD/TS Group but they've currently lost their venue so going out is a bit difficult at the moment. My wife is reasonably OK with me dressing these days (after 30+ years...) but I think I try and repress my femme side a bit too much at times and sometimes the safety valve lifts and I just have to dress more ie. the 'pink fog' which I know can cause her some distress - which I don't want to cause so achieving balance at times can be difficult.

Do I worry about losing my male self? Sometimes yes, when the 'pink fog' drifts in but I love my male job and hobbies too much. I'd also lose those close to me - my wife and family. Whatever this CDing thing is - the $64,000 question we'd all like to know the answer to, causes me some grief from time to time when I start tearing myself apart but after 30+ years, we've both just about come to terms with the fact that I need to be Polly from time to time for whatever reason.

Obviously this is a lot different to type 2's who are TS and feel they were born in the wrong body and go the whole way of HRT and SRS.

I get the impression that you're type 1 in a type 3 'pea souper' at the moment. You're heading into femdom at full tilt - wooooa there gal, slow down a bit and try and achieve some balance as you edge forward. There seems to be lots of good advice you're getting here so hopefully you'll get some reasonable resolution soon.

xx Polly

[ReineD]

Polly, I know that we each have our very own personal definition of "Pink Fog" (just like everyone defines "TG" or "CD" differently), but in your words I detect a rather severe definition, as if you are saying that if you want to dress more than once per week it is the dreaded Pink Fog.

In my view, Pink Fog has nothing to do with the amount of time dressed but rather how other things in life lose their importance. When my SO went through it, going out dressed alone was her priority to the point where I seriously took second place, no matter what was going on in my life. This is what hurts ... when a wife/gf feels that she no longer matters.

If you tell your wife that you are going through a period where you feel a need to dress more often than your usual, and you discuss mutually agreeable times with your wife, she will (hopefully) not feel cast aside providing you are there for each other in other areas. Going about it this way is not taking a Pink Fog approach, which by definition is rather a self-centered approach.

[Suzanne F]

Isha
I know that I have asked myself this question. It is rather obvious to my wife that I like being female more than male. I acknowledged that I am transgendered and not just a male wearing female clothes. I am afraid of letting my family down it I require more than just going out occasionally. I am trying to balance being the real me with what she needs from me. I don't think there is anything wrong with me admitting I have some fear about this. I have progressed a lot over the last 6 it 7 months and it is a lot to understand. I am trying to stay in each day and love and touch as many people as I can. I treasure my time with my wife more and more these days. However more and more of the time I feel like Suzanne. I know many of you scoff at anyone who says they struggle with this. I just want to say that I do struggle and I want to do the right thing.
Suzanne

[Lorileah]

I can't shake the male identity. It follows me wherever I go and The people who knew "him" don't want to give him up.

And Yes Tamara, I know I am 16 years old and I am going through that learning curve.

[Joanne f]

I was going to say that there is a good chance that I use to be afraid of losing my male identity because of all the things I use to do like sports , weight lifting swinging an axe , wanting muscles but then when you start to think about it how do I know if I would have done all those things or not even if I had been born a female , was I trying to exert my male identity in the hope that it would cover up my feminine identity hiding inside of me , I really don't know , do I do the things I do now simply because I can or because I do not want to lose my male identity , I am inclined to think that I do not have an identity crisis going on as I am now happy to let the feminine side show ,( well females always get their way in the end :heehee: ).
And as far as the pink fog it all depends on what you mean by that , have I taken risks to dress sometimes ,yes I expect that i have , has the urge to dress been hard to cope with some times , yes I guess it has , do I want to get lost in a feminine heaven , most of the time , maybe it is reality verse's fantasy which cause's the pink fog as one seems to be so much more enjoyable than the other , I will leave you to decide which :D

[carhill2mn]

I think that I most closely fit your #2 question. I spend more of my time en femme than in male mode. Yet, when I have to
revert to male mode, I do not feel that I have lost my male identity.

It is my opinion that I have to identities, one male and one feminine.

[Rachael Leigh]

For me when I was dressing a lot it was like I was someone else even another personality, but since I don't believe in multiply peesonalitys I just figured it was the pink fog as some say. My actions do seem more fem when I am dressed but to me it's just kinda natural for me I guess. Now I feel it all works together I know who I am, I am a man fully who just has this hobby. Now it's an unusual hobby for sure but it's satisfying. I don't want to encourage others to join this hobby however cause it's just too complicated on so many levels

[Polly R]

Polly, I know that we each have our very own personal definition of "Pink Fog" (just like everyone defines "TG" or "CD" differently), but in your words I detect a rather severe definition, as if you are saying that if you want to dress more than once per week it is the dreaded Pink Fog.

In my view, Pink Fog has nothing to do with the amount of time dressed but rather how other things in life lose their importance. When my SO went through it, going out dressed alone was her priority to the point where I seriously took second place, no matter what was going on in my life. This is what hurts ... when a wife/gf feels that she no longer matters.

If you tell your wife that you are going through a period where you feel a need to dress more often than your usual, and you discuss mutually agreeable times with your wife, she will (hopefully) not feel cast aside providing you are there for each other in other areas. Going about it this way is not taking a Pink Fog approach, which by definition is rather a self-centered approach.

Reine

I do indeed try and let my wife (Allsteamedup) know when the 'fog is drifting in and I need to dress - 'how other things in life lose their importance' as you put it. She will usually say, 'OK, go and get dressed then.' I try and repress it but 'it' usually wins...

Even after 30+ years I still ask the question, Why me? I'm a man and yet at times I have an urge to be a woman (or at least emulate one). I still sometimes feel quilt and beat myself up over 'it'. As I said earlier, I've no desire to go full time and go HRT & SRS - just too much to lose - I still l like being a man most of the time.

So Type 1 with the 'fog, Type 3 drifting by in and out at frequent intervals.

xx Polly

[Alice B]

Not at all. I've reached a perfect balance between my two sides and woukd change nothing.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Me, I'm a crossdresser. I go out dressed as female regularly. I travel on trains, I fly on planes as a woman. I wear dresses.

I am not exclusively female, I see myself as both genders. The reality is I am not less of a man, I am more whole as a person. That's the place I find myself most happy.

Unlike my transsexual friends, I never transitioned, or did HRT. My male parts still roar the same as any man. I'm still boringly, but madly attracted to women. However, I just happen to dress like one. Don't know why...just is. Now I'm happy.
Once again Nathalie you have described me perfectly.

Isha, my circumstances are such that I must be (but am happy to be) male at home with my wife. Time away from home during the week is usually en femme. Consequently both male and female me happily coexist.


I've seen this time after time after time on this forum. Member comes out to wife and within a few days/weeks they are lost in pink fog... imho, this is what is happening to you, it's called 'new found freedom'... and after a while, it will either consume you and you'll end up in a straight jacket, or you'll get a grip with yourself and learn to balance it out :D
When I first came out to my ex that I wanted to dress and she didn't react badly, the pink fog definitely decended. I went from no wardrobe to a significant wardrobe and to going out very quickly. I can see great similarities with your current state Isha.

With the benefit of hindsight I should have been slower with my ex. It was totally in her face. She went from seeingly OK to gone over 2 years. Yes other reasons but my obsession would have been right up there as reshaping our marriage.

Not wanting to be harsh but take stock, think through the consequences and don't blame your personality.


And Yes Tamara, I know I am 16 years old and I am going through that learning curve.
Still 16 Lorileah:battingeyelashes: I've grown up - 18 now. Perfect age - you don't have people telling you 'don't wear that mini skirt' :)

[Patrice_CD]

A lot of interesting replies. Everyone has their own feelings and comfort level. I can say that my male side is gone and I have absolutely no intention of ever bringing him back. I live as me 24/7. I am married and have a wonderful relationship with my wife. Only a few steps to go and I'll be complete.

[Asche]

In some of my original posts, I alluded to the fact that I felt my male and female identity were always one [and] the same. ... However, there are times when I also feel they are distinctly in conflict with one another wrestling for possession of me in a "winner take all" game.
In my view, that's the consequence of trying to have a "male identity" (or a "female identity") in the first place.

A "male" (or "female") "identity" is nothing more than a selection of pieces of your self, edited and warped to fit some external standard of what a man/woman is supposed to be. If you split off enough pieces of yourself and label them "not me", they come back and, as you put it, wrestle for possession. But it's you who've set up the "winner take all" in the first place.

It's why I think that thinking of oneself as having a "male side" and a "female side" is unhealthy. They're both the same person (=you), and by splitting one's person(-ality) into two pieces, each of which claims it is you, you set yourself up for an internal power struggle. Not to mention a lifetime of misery.

Me, I have no use for "male identity" or "female identity." Instead, I'm striving to be aware of and understand all the pieces of my self and become a single, integrated person, instead of a collection of (warring) "identities."

[Julie Gaum]

Now comes the gal with, perhaps, some cold water --- not necessarily to slow down your flight but out of concern --- the same concern reflected by the comments of a few other posters. Intended to write after I became uncomfortable for your welfare upon reading your OP a few days ago, and today, when I read that your therapist was also your "colleague and close friend", I became more convinced for the need to speak. In your last OP I got the impression that your therapist lacked the "gender" experience needed to be effective when toying with another person's mind --- that objectivity seemed to be lacking and she was
"winging it", that is, molding her comments from your actions and words from session to session ---and not from long experience in gender therapy. It has to be difficult to be objective when dealing advise to a "close friend". I don't know her credentials but do suggest that, you, obviously a bright person, consider whether a therapist with greater experience and less a bond to you might just be better for you in this, a crucial time, in your life's journey.
Think about it.
Julie

[Shannen]

1. This would be my situation. What keeps me from becoming more? family... they are the most important aspect of my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I don't fear losing my male identity because I can't envision living as anything but a man.

2. not me

3. Pink Fog... struggling with it right now. I seem to go in cycles, with Shannen winning for a month or two at a time. It usually ends when I get too exhausted to keep up the effort. I say to myself, "It only takes a few minutes to put on a skirt and blouse, and then that 2 hour drive will be so much nicer!" Then I say to self, "A wig will make it so those sharing the road with you won't notice a thing if they glance over." Then... "Makeup only takes 10 minutes..." when of course it is really 30. "Why not stop and pump gas as Shannen now? Go try on a new dress?

So a 2 hour drive becomes a 5 hour adventure, and I find myself getting home at midnight instead of 9:00. Again the next day and the next, maybe take a vacation day and spend the whole day relishing the fog...

The only way I've found to cope with Pink Fog is to keep my supplies locked in the storage unit, and plan a "reward" day for Shannen, once the man-world duties are all taken care of.

But of course the fog doesn't always respect that...

-hugs-

[Marcelle]

Hi Julie,

Thanks for your concern. :)

My colleague does specialize in gender identity therapy. Her being a friend does present some challenges in that we shared a bond with me as a guy not a girl. I trust her explicitly and expect her to act professionally. Unfortunately most of the therapist in my neck of the woods are known to me. It is not uncommon for one psychologist to deal with another who is close a hand and has a familiarity.

Hugs

Isha

[giuseppina]

Question 1: In a word, no. I'm not interested in changing anything about my body other than one or two sets of holes in my ears.

Question 2: Doesn't apply.

Question 3: I have enough experience with self control in highly charged situations that I doubt the pink fog will be an issue.

[ReineD]

A "male" (or "female") "identity" is nothing more than a selection of pieces of your self, edited and warped to fit some external standard of what a man/woman is supposed to be. If you split off enough pieces of yourself and label them "not me", they come back and, as you put it, wrestle for possession. But it's you who've set up the "winner take all" in the first place.

It's why I think that thinking of oneself as having a "male side" and a "female side" is unhealthy. They're both the same person (=you), and by splitting one's person(-ality) into two pieces, each of which claims it is you, you set yourself up for an internal power struggle. Not to mention a lifetime of misery.

This is a great way to explain it!

It's also how I sense my SO. Other than the period of time when my SO was shall we say expanding her horizons, there really is no guy and girl side; s/he is always the same person no matter how dressed. Sometimes I sense her softer self more, while other times I don't, irrespective of the manner of presentation. All of his/her characteristics and behaviors are always there, ebbing and flowing. Just like mine.

My SO explained the period referred to in this thread as catching up her girl side with his guy side. Another explanation was having the pendulum move from extreme male preferences and personality traits (pre CDing), to extreme female (expansion phase), and eventually settling somewhere at the equilibrium point.

Asche defines complete integration.

[Tina_gm]

I am not personally afraid of losing my masculinity or male identity. I am not one who really has a significant difference in identity. When I change into female clothing, I am only connecting with what is already there. I do not have any differences of what I like or do not like. At best the increased connection when wearing female clothing may cause me to act in a more feminine manner, so rather than a blend of some female traits, it goes farther to the female side in that regard. But even then, I am not looking to act in all ways female. I think the connection just enhances it somewhat.

My wife however is afraid of me losing my male identity. Fairly new to this and without a lot of knowledge before hand, I suppose only time can alleviate this fear for her. I wish I could do more to help her, but then again, as my comfort level along with hers increases, she is seeing more of the feminine side of me which was always there but now is getting increased freedom. I can see how a pink fog can overcome a CDer. I haven't been hit particularly hard with it, but I can feel a pull from it here and there.

[CynthiaD]

You can't lose something you never had in the first place. My male persona is entirely artificial. I can even remember the day it started. One day when I was a teenager I said to myself, "I'm going to stop all this girl stuff and learn how to be like all the other boys." Constructing a male persona was hard work. Mostly I had trouble with carrying things too far. But eventually I was able to learn to play the role well, and I even got so I enjoyed it. I worked at it so long and hard that I'm certainly never going to forget how. But even if I do, so what?

[5150 Girl]

Afraid of loosing "him"? Are you kid'n me? I want "him" dead in the worst way!

[Ddannie]

Isha,
I think you are asking good questions that I struggle with but don't have answers for. The one wonderful thing to me about what you are doing is the efforts you mention about working hard to be caring towards your SO.
Good luck.
Cheers
Danielle