correcting people

[arbon]

Do you immediately correct people when they gender you wrong?

I have one FTM friend who tells me whenever you are mis gendered you need to correct them right away because it is disrespectful and if you don't you are telling them that it is okay to gender you as your old identity and they will keep doing.

I have a hard time doing it though.


At work I have given up completely on correcting people since my boss wont afford me the courtasy, and the last time I confronted another employee there about it the guy really went off on me (like I am asking way to much and should just be content with the tolerance I do get)

Outside of work I am really bad at correcting people to though. This weekend I was at an event and it seemed like I was getting misgendered a lot! Which was upsetting especially as last year I was the chairwoman at the same event :straightface: .

When it happens I worry if I try correcting the person I'm going to upset them so I usually just bite my tongue and let it go. Though Friday night I was having dinner with my wife and three male friends of ours, one of them has been a very old and good friend of mine. He kept gendering me as male at dinner and I get afraid to correct him at the time - then in my usual passive aggressive way I said something pretty mean at the table that was meant to hurt him. I have that problem with myself, rather then dealing with things directly like asking him to please gender me as female (we have had that conversation before) I go for revenge.

Then this morning I stop at the connivence store. There is a guy I see around here a lot that is always super nice and sweet to me and I think sees me as a woman, and he was at the store this morning to and we smiled and said hi and that, but then the clerk genders me as male not once but twice in front of this guy! I was so mad :Angry3: and embarrassed, I just wanted to kill the clerk, but then was to afraid to say something like excuse me I am a woman not a man, so I just bite my tongue and walk away.

I need to get better at confronting people about it, and if it upsets them and then so be it. I am really going to make the effort to try and politely correct people more.

How do others here do with that? Do you tend to let it go when you are mis gendered or do you usually correct people?

[Persephone]

Tough one, Arbon.

Happened to me about two weeks ago when a friend of about 35 years did it in front of someone new. Aaargh!

I usually just glance at the person who has done it, try my best to smile, and gently say "her" or whatever the correction is. Still, it often confuses the situation, derails the conversation, and makes the problem even more obvious.

It is pretty much all I've been able to come up with. Like you, when I can't do that and just let it simmer I build up anger and resentment.

Perhaps you can develop a routine for gently correcting it?

Hugs,
Persephone.

[thechic]

Yep it does suck, I personally just ignore people that do that when I know they are being arrogant,to me, almost everybody I knew before the big lifestyle change genders me as a male and I just live with it even though I hate it, my kids still call me dad, and im ok with that even though it gets quite strange. When im one to one with people than new me pre I will advise them that I have now changed though.

[Michelle.M]

With respect to your work issues you might want to do a little research. I am not an attorney and this is not legal advice, but I think this could easily be construed as workplace harassment which is prohibited by the Civil Rights Act and EEOC rules.

http://transequality.org/Resources/EmploymentKnowYourRights_Sept2013.pdf

Also, if you want to get an idea how simple mistakes end up being incredibly stupid blunders that cost employers serious money, check this out:

http://www.lambdalegal.org/blog/victory-lambda-legal-helps-south-dakota-transgender-employee-win-landmark-settlement-after-wrongful-termination

[arbon]

Yes it could be but I am not going to pursue anything legal while I am still living here - no one would ever hire me in this community again.

[Badtranny]

It is a long hard slog to get people who've known you forever to change the pronouns.

The best way to handle it is with good humor. When someone at the office calls me "he" I say "oh DOES he?" Or I put my hand on my hip and say "I realize that my overwhelming masculinity makes it difficult to say 'she' but can you at least make an effort?"

You have to laugh at it, or it will drive you crazy. It does get better, I promise.

[Jorja]

Do you immediately correct people when they gender you wrong? I personally have not had this problem for quite a few years. I did in the beginning though. You can and should tactfully and politely ask the person to correct their mistake.

[cdmorganashley]

just my opinion here, but i think you deserve to be addressed by the appropriate pronoun especially by friends... hopefully in most cases you can make a polite request for a person to correct to the right pronoun and not view it as being a confrontation--i think you will get the best response from others by de-emphasizing the incorrect usage and re-enforcing what the correct usage would be as i think people can be a bit touchy if they feel they are getting criticized (whether it is deserved or not)... i like Melissa's suggestion of infusing a bit of humor as pointing out someone's error in usage could make them feel embarrassed and lightening the mood would probably help avoid some tension when correcting someone... if someone is a chronic misgenderer (i don't think that's a word) i would maybe suggest approaching them away from others (so they don't feel they are being singled out or succumbing to peer pressure to mistreat you) and making a sincere appeal to them that they address you appropriately as it means a lot to you and you would really appreciate it--i would think someone would have to be quite unreasonable/disrespectful/insensitive/etc. if approached in a non-confrontational way and addressed with sincerity... i wish you luck with this as i imagen it hurts each time it happens...

[Patrice_CD]

I would correct anyone in a heart beat if need be. There was an adjustment period at work that took awhile as I had worked with some of these people for close to 30 years. I found that once my name legally changed any issues I did have all went away. Kind of like yes, she is serious about all of this. But after 8 months it's no longer a factor. Outside of work there aren't any issues what so ever.

[Kimberly Kael]

It is a long hard slog to get people who've known you forever to change the pronouns.

Oh yes, this so very much. Even people who mean well will fall back on habits and history, while people meeting you for the first time will gender you correctly. It can be irritating, but keep your responses friendly and positive — and also firm. It's reasonable to expect them to adjust. You just need to expect mistakes as well.


The best way to handle it is with good humor.

Bingo. It's not just the best way, it's the only effective way I know.

[Ann Louise]

I correct them immediately, but, as Melissa said, with humor. Still, it hurts, but less and less as time passes, and the recovery back to good spirits is faster and faster for me.

Hun, if someone is a blatant repeat offender you may wish to reevaluate their inclusion as one of your "friends." You have granted yourself a whole new life, and you may not wish to regard them as such if they don't deserve it. This is your choice all over again. :-)

Chart your own course, Ann

[arbon]

You have to laugh at it, or it will drive you crazy. It does get better, I promise.

It has gotten better, no doubt, but it seems like it has plateaued and really is not changing much for me anymore. There is the mix of all the people that knew me and limits of my physical appearance which wont change more without ffs.

Like another member on this forum the mis-gendering seems to come in waves for me. Things will be fine for the most part then I'll have a day, or a weekend, or more, when it seems like everyone around me is gendering me male.

I am kind of not a humorous person, more (to) serious about everything, and would rather pop them in the head (I don't actually do that though!)


Oh yes, this so very much. Even people who mean well will fall back on habits and history,



I have noticed a lot of people around me have done that, I don't protest so they go back to thinking it is alright, that I don't mind and keep doing it because it is easier for them.

Going forward I am going to make more effort to gently correct them.

[Chickhe]

There is a saying, that you should pick your battles. Spend your energy where it will make a difference. Sometimes it is better to let disrespectful people alone so that other people will learn how disrespectful they are and you won't win their respect anyway. For others who do have respect for you correcting them will make a difference because its important to them.

[arbon]

Another thing to, we were planning to leave the small community where we live pretty soon. I was looking forward to this because it would give a bit of a fresh start and with new people that don't know my past. Things have changed though - after going through near forclosure and then bankruptcy the last couple years the bank offered to let us stay in the house and sign a new loan. My wife is very adamant now about staying and letting our daughter finish growing up here. So I need to make it work with where I am, and hopefully get to a point where the gendering is not as much of an issue anymore.

[Eryn]

Everybody makes mistakes and if you want to be polite the thing to do is to let it pass without comment.

If they make the mistake repeatedly then you'll need to gently ask them to use your correct gender.

[I Am Paula]

I just correct quickly, and quietly. as in 'that's her/she/ma'am please.' I've never made a fuss about it, except the bumwad who did it on purpose in the liquor store.
My femme name is at the top of my medical records too, so they've stopped calling my old name in waiting rooms (THAT always raised some eyebrows)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

SOmetimes I correct , others not...it depends on the situation and my mood....if i do correct, its always friendly ...my dad especially says some embarrassing things when out and about...he's about 50/50....i got my dad in whirl i guess...


Its not reality that people close to me for many years can always, without fail call me she or her...

[Nigella]

Like Kaitlyn, it is very much situation dependant if correction is made. I have transitioned in the workplace so there is the occasional slip, however, the majority are embarrassed when they realise. At work it will be quite simple, if I think it is deliberate I will gently remind them of my correct gender first time, if they continue then I know I have the support of my management to deal with it.

For those who have no impact on my life, what the heck, its not worth the hassle.

[sandra-leigh]

This past week at the transition workshop I am attending, I raised the issue of how people are dealing with being misgendered.

There were a couple of people that were okay with being misgendered, as they identify kind of gender neutral anyhow and there is no commonly recognized visual signal one can use to indicate gender neutrality. But even the established gender-fluid person said that they find they got a bit upset when they were presenting as female and got referred to as male -- even though they have said in discussion that they feel that they are always the same gender but their presentation of their gender changes.

The other people in the workshop, the ones who disliked being misgendered, all indicated that they suffered in silence, perhaps feeling fairly hurt inside, perhaps getting internally angry, but not presently "able" to correct anyone, or not presently feeling comfortable to correct anyone (a couple indicated they sometimes correct co-workers.) Myself, I have started correcting people sometimes, but I have a ways to go.

The discussion led into an unexpected topic, which nearly everyone had something to say about. It was the longest sustained full-group discussion we have had on any point, and that surprised all of us, I think.

There is a supermarket chain here (and another two provinces west, and a fair number of mid-west states) which most of the time has higher prices than the rest of the large supermarkets. Unless, that is, you sign up for their discount card, with which prices on random items become much more competitive. This is called the "Safeway Club Card".

Now Safeway has a strict internal policy. It is mandatory for the cashiers to look at the electronic registered name for the card, and to thank the customer by the honorific and last name. Promptly mis-gendering anyone who registered their card before changing identities, or anyone who isn't always presenting as the honorific on the card...

Now we can go into any other store in town and use a debit card or credit card, give the appropriate authentication or signature, and chances are no-one will even look at the name on the card. (Unless maybe it is a large purchase for a good that tends to attract credit-card fraud.) But we go to the supermarket, perhaps more than once per week, and we get misgendered due to a misguided company customer-relations ploy. :sad:

It happens that this does not affect me: I object to being tracked sufficiently strongly that I refuse to sign up for a discount card even using a fake name (which I have been told outright by store managers that I can do.) But it affected nearly everyone else at the workshop, and it bugged the heck out of most of them. Yet only one of the others was prepared to correct the misgendering when it happened (and that one indicated they don't bother to correct anymore because they know it isn't the employee's choice.)

I did, in the workshop, specifically raise the possibility of behaving affrontedly; the people in the workshop understood the idea, but none of us felt that approach was right for themselves.

[Megan72]

I guess I must be to laid back about this. I don't really care as long as when people waive at me it's with all 5 fingers. I spent a long time in law enforcement and probation so I got called lots of things, most were not good. It probably made me a little thicker skinned about how people address me.
Megan

[Angela Campbell]

At the stage I am, it really doesn't bother me too much. I am in a middle, kind of awkward stage where I can look like a woman when I want to but otherwise I kind of look half and half. (maybe because I am) When I am not really trying, for instance I am just doing things around the house and need to go to the grocery store, I may not put on makeup or spend a half hour styling my hair or put on a wig. I am still wearing clothes from the womens section, but not overtly feminine I guess, like jeans and a tank. At this presentation I am sometimes called maam and sometimes sir.

If I take the time to fix my hair, put on makeup and wear shoes that are more feminine than tennis shoes, then I have never been called "sir" in public. As far as my family, yeah they have a difficult time and often call me he or him, but it will take time and there is no meanness or offense intended, just habit. In that situation I nicely remind them if they do not catch it first, and they are usually embarrassed and we all smile. It's ok, no big deal.