Just starting, curious as to what people think.

[LostInMyself]

Hi all,
So I decided that it was past time to come out to my therapist and wanted to put some thoughts down.

I'd really like to hear some of your opinions first. So, my story(Please bear with me!):

So for about 20-25 years I've had this feeling. Not sure if it is "the feeling," or if just in denial, or what.

My childhood was pretty stereotypical male, in fact my whole life is. I played with cars and did alot of crashing toys into other toys. But at about 11ish came the dresses. Whenever I got a chance I would dress, always in secret. Also were the thoughts. I would wish I could snap my fingers and change. I would wish to be in an accident where the only causality is the little guy. I'd look at my body and know it's not right but not know why. And I now understand why I feel so ridiculous wearing a suit or tux.
Hell, even when I would play The Sims 2, the character I would make to represent me is always female.
I'm sure I could go on...

I've been in a debate with myself over if this is CD, TS, or something else.

I hear people say if you have to ask if you are a TS then you aren't or that they've known since they were 3 yrs old. The 3 yrs old doesn't part doesn't fit me. And I guess I'm kindof asking so hmmm....
Of course I think I know, but I'm not sure that I know that I know...lol
So what does that mean?

CD feels good in that I do feel closer to the real me. However in some ways it make me even more depressed. Something about the fleeting nature of it or something. I went out dressed the other night for the first time(I just drove around at midnight..baby steps....) It was nice escaping my bubble, but really it just further underscored the depressing aspects of CDing to me. However I probably won't do it again because it just didn't feel real.

I'll cut it off right there, before I start rambling even more.

I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts.

Thanks!

[arbon]

Hi all,


I've been in a debate with myself over if this is CD, TS, or something else.

I hear people say if you have to ask if you are a TS then you aren't or that they've known since they were 3 yrs old. The 3 yrs old doesn't part doesn't fit me. And I guess I'm kindof asking so hmmm....
Of course I think I know, but I'm not sure that I know that I know...lol
So what does that mean?


Sometimes I think people focus to much on their childhood to validate what they think they are and what they want to do.

Some people knew with certainty when they were young, some (like me) were very confused and just thought they were messed up boys wishing to be girls, others did not really experience any gender issues at all until later in life. To me it just does not seem to matter very much.

do you want to do live your life as a man or as a woman? and Do you have to transition? A lot of people here will say don't transition unless you have to. And if do have to then your'll know.

[Rachelakld]

For me CD is born from a sub-personality that I've allowed to develop, it's a form of temporary escape from my male existence.
While others play cards, or drink, or fish, I have found these interests fleeting where as CD has been there all my life.
When I think about my future, I see both the male and the female self, living with my wife for as long as possible.

Rather than think of your past, concentrate on how you want your future (in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years etc), then make it real

[LostInMyself]

Sometimes I think people focus to much on their childhood to validate what they think they are and what they want to do.

Some people knew with certainty when they were young, some (like me) were very confused and just thought they were messed up boys wishing to be girls, others did not really experience any gender issues at all until later in life. To me it just does not seem to matter very much.


But having that validation must make things much more clear alot sooner...
Once I hit those teen years it started to become evident that I wanted to be a girl, but never knew why. Wasn't necessarily unhappy with being a guy, but not happy either. When I learned there were people that transition it actually scared me, so I tried my best to suppress all this. And went on to live a "normal" male life.

But the thoughts never went away and years later the box of denial has exploded under it's own weight and here we are.



do you want to do live your life as a man or as a woman? and Do you have to transition? A lot of people here will say don't transition unless you have to. And if do have to then your'll know.

Easy, a woman....
Now does that mean to transition? Not as easy a question.
I've certainly thought about it. Been thinking ALOT about it actually. Definitely an exciting prospect.
I of course have concerns and worries, but I think that's reasonable. I don't see me regretting it by any means. Don't get me wrong I know it would be difficult, but I think it would be worth it.

BUT do I HAVE TO? yes, well maybe, errr.. I just don't know. :sad:


For me CD is born from a sub-personality that I've allowed to develop, it's a form of temporary escape from my male existence.
While others play cards, or drink, or fish, I have found these interests fleeting where as CD has been there all my life.
When I think about my future, I see both the male and the female self, living with my wife for as long as possible.

Rather than think of your past, concentrate on how you want your future (in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years etc), then make it real

Interesting point, I never really considered CDing along the lines of an "interest" When I CD, I don't have any sort of sub personality. I know that alot of people do. I just continue on as me, whatever that is.

I've been trying to look towards the future, but it's a real blur right now!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

the problem you have is that you can't think of 5 and 10 years out w/o considering the potentially devastating emotional, family, financial, and physical costs of transition (note I said potentially)
CD's do not have this problem...cd'ing really is a matter of having the guts to do what you want to do and either not get caught or be willing to share with people what you do in your spare time..

...and if you go forward, you must steel yourself for the reality of your appearance

Your story is very common among TS women. who can say what's in your heart based on your post,

fwiw, I had a normal childhood but always wished I was a girl..i crossdressed from my earliest memory..i never really had a desire to hurt my penis...

however, I ended up happily transitioning as in my 40's the reality of my situation became apparent to me...it took years of self inspection to get there tho


it's normal to want other people to say what you are, but only you really can... all I can tell you is that based on your posts ...your nature (ts or not) is on the table...and if you are ts, then you have the issue of what to do about it...

BTW what you can actually do about it can influence how you view yourself too.

[Angela Campbell]

I hear people say if you have to ask if you are a TS then you aren't or that they've known since they were 3 yrs old. The 3 yrs old doesn't part doesn't fit me. And I guess I'm kindof asking so hmmm....
Of course I think I know, but I'm not sure that I know that I know...lol
So what does that mean?


Sometimes the reality of being TS is just too much to accept. It is a terrifying thought, and the sane reaction is to deny. The reaction I had was to fight it. Yes I knew from a young age I was a girl but it was "safe" to pretend to be a boy and live as others expected me to. If I could hide it I thought I would be ok. The end result over the years was a complete disconnect from the world and living in a lonely world all by myself with no hope of anyone else ever getting in.

Once the weight gets to be too much you are in a situation of having to face reality and make tough decisions. Good luck to you on identifying these decisions and making the choices you will have to make.

[kimdl93]

Let me take a crack at the depression. Some people have clinical depression, brought on by chemical imbalances. But you describe a different, more common form. People in western cultures often think about their particular situation and conclude that they are being deprived, and therefore should be sad. You said, for example that your midnight drive en femme underscored the depressing aspects of CDing. It did not. You looked for and found something to be depressed about in what could have been interpreted as a positive fulfilling moment.

My advice is to learn to abandon the unhealthy, self defeating patterns of thinking before you deal with any other issues in your life.

[I Am Paula]

I think of my 'condition' as an evolution that began as an early teen. I started with a few femme items, and was happy with that. Over the next umpteen years, it grew and grew, until I was presenting as a woman full time. Very suddenly, even that was not enough, and I knew it was time for outside intervention. (Doctors).
What does this mean? Did I start as a CD, and become TS? Was I TS from birth? Does transgenderism progress, or just our perception of it?
Just a couple of years ago, when asked if I was TS, or thinking of transition, I would have said 'Are you nuts, I've got this under control, I'm just a really gung ho CD'.
Now, NOT transitioning is unthinkable.
Can one become TS? I still don't know. Is it just some imaginary line drawn on our closet floor? Ditto
Find you comfort level, and live a happy life.

[arbon]

But having that validation must make things much more clear alot sooner...


Clarity came for me as I spent more time presenting and living as a woman. It was not about the cloths, but how it made me feel about me.

I don't know what your situation is like, but are you in a position where you could start presenting and spending more time living as a woman?

[LostInMyself]

First, just wanted to thank everyone for your responses. They've been supportive and given me alot to think about.
Finally coming out to myself that "this" (whatever it is) is ALOT more than I've been telling myself has really knocked me off guard.
And then finally telling people about it..Oh it's been quite an emotional few days....


Sometimes the reality of being TS is just too much to accept. It is a terrifying thought, and the sane reaction is to deny. The reaction I had was to fight it. Yes I knew from a young age I was a girl but it was "safe" to pretend to be a boy and live as others expected me to. If I could hide it I thought I would be ok. The end result over the years was a complete disconnect from the world and living in a lonely world all by myself with no hope of anyone else ever getting in.

Once the weight gets to be too much you are in a situation of having to face reality and make tough decisions. Good luck to you on identifying these decisions and making the choices you will have to make.

I can definitely identify with living in the lonely world...



the problem you have is that you can't think of 5 and 10 years out w/o considering the potentially devastating emotional, family, financial, and physical costs of transition (note I said potentially)
CD's do not have this problem...cd'ing really is a matter of having the guts to do what you want to do and either not get caught or be willing to share with people what you do in your spare time..

...and if you go forward, you must steel yourself for the reality of your appearance



Very true. I have definitely thought alot about these consequences, not just recently but in the past as well. I always found them to be convenient excuses to avoid further thoughts, but now not so much...I don't disregard them as they are still valid concerns though.

A definite advantage for CDs

and if you go forward, you must steel yourself for the reality of your appearance...

I like how you put that.


Let me take a crack at the depression. Some people have clinical depression, brought on by chemical imbalances. But you describe a different, more common form. People in western cultures often think about their particular situation and conclude that they are being deprived, and therefore should be sad. You said, for example that your midnight drive en femme underscored the depressing aspects of CDing. It did not. You looked for and found something to be depressed about in what could have been interpreted as a positive fulfilling moment.

My advice is to learn to abandon the unhealthy, self defeating patterns of thinking before you deal with any other issues in your life.


Clarity came for me as I spent more time presenting and living as a woman. It was not about the cloths, but how it made me feel about me.

I don't know what your situation is like, but are you in a position where you could start presenting and spending more time living as a woman?


I am absolutely about the most pessimistic person you will ever meet - So pessimistic I couldn't even say I was the most pessimistic.
Although I do technically have depression(diagnosed), I think maybe in this case saying it was depressing was the wrong word. First off, I went out to learn what it felt like and I did, so success there.

I think arbon is right, I should spend more time living as a woman. I do it at home everyday when I get home from work until I go to work the next morning, but never left the house until the other day. I must(I want to) try again this weekend.

[LostInMyself]

Update: So I went out again...This time no stupid driving around. I actually went into a store(Still kindof late though)!..I don't think I ever mentioned but I have severe social anxiety as well so this was major level jumping for me. It was great! Scary, but great! I actually felt like I had more confidence then I would have if I wasn't dressed.

#1 lesson learned today..Pay with cash, nothing is more of a tell then the cashier seeing your guy name on the screen... oops :)

[Beth-Lock]

.... I went out again...This time no stupid driving around. I actually went into a store, (still kind of late though)!.... It was great! Scary, but great! I actually felt like I had more confidence then I would have if I wasn't dressed.

I remember doing that. Neat, isn't it? I found even when I got clocked, (read as CD), it could be quite amusing, along with being annoying. Eventually, I called up the credit card companies, and smooth-talked them into changing the first name or first and middle name, into more unisex forms, changing their spelling slightly too. (Example: John, into Johnnie.) Then I could use my credit cards when dressed. Nothing illegal. Trying that through the bank, and I got a stone wall instead.The telephone desk at the credit card companies was more easy going.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I didn't realize my male name showed up when I used my shoprite super shopping card even when I did pay cash!! LOL...

you are doing the right things

.. I recall the drives, the motels ( I would get 4 suitcases of clothes out of storage...check into a redroof inn and get dressed and stand at my door for a long time trying to get up the nerve to walk out), and finally going to stores..

[MatildaJ.]

a complete disconnect from the world and living in a lonely world all by myself.

Obviously I don't know what anyone else has experienced in their life. But I just want to say that many people (perhaps most people) experience life as much more lonely than they had thought it would be. In the end, no one ever really understands anyone else, and that's not about gender issues, that's just the reality that (a) we aren't mind readers and (b) language is ambiguous and (c) people hear what they want to hear. Fundamentally, we live and die alone, even if we build social relationships of different kinds -- that's the human condition.

So: is it worse if you're in the "wrong" body? Maybe so. I just don't want people to experience normal human feelings of alienation and isolation, and assume that means they need to transition.

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." -Princess Bride

[Marleena]

All great replies here, Lost. I can only add my own experiences at a young age. The only thing I knew was that I was different. Why would I like to dress and enjoy being a girl. I sure as heck didn't look like my sister! What the heck else could I be, I had a boys body? I was being raised as a boy too.

For some children it is crystal clear though. We see the stories of the kids telling the parents who they are. As a teenager it started to get more difficult and by my twenties I was ready to transition (GD)but it never happened and I suppressed the feelings like many do.

Your best case scenario is to be CD or transgender and accept it. If you are experiencing gender dysphoria talk to a gender therapist. In the meantime keep having fun!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Jess I know the difference between the human condition and gender dypshoria first hand...

Its a lot more than feeling alone
...its a feeling of not even existing..it is not relatable to any feeling I've ever had...after transition I have felt loss, I have felt loneliness, I have felt being put down ....they feel totally different to me than the gender dysphoric feelings of nothingness that I went through...

...its a feeling of being in a room with a bunch of people and not knowing what to do because you are stuck as a wrong person..

its not loneliness, its the void...

and for many of us, its not obvious to us for many years...its actually very sad to realize at 40 or 50 or 60 that you are so disconnected from both men and women

Its instructive to think of transition as not just a transition of gender roles...its a transition from nothing to something...from not existing to existing..from not really feeling to truly feeling..from living only inside your head to actually living...

[LostInMyself]

The way I feel about myself is "not feeling real" I do know I had these feelings even when I had friends, socialized at school, even when I had a girlfriend. Still, always - I don't know - a darkness... Why is that? What is that? What does that mean..I don't know. But I have a feeling that I will be exploring this in depth with my therapist...

[MatildaJ.]

Jess I know the difference between the human condition and gender dypshoria first hand...after transition I have felt loss, I have felt loneliness, I have felt being put down ....they feel totally different to me than the gender dysphoric feelings of nothingness that I went through...

I appreciate your post and I value your insight. For people who have not yet transitioned, do you have any tips on how to tell the difference between the common feeling of human loneliness and the gender dysphoric feelings of nothingness?

The only metric I've heard so far is that if you're suicidal over the situation, and you think you might be gender dysphoric, then transitioning is a good idea -- and that's clearly true. Of course it's better to transition than to attempt suicide. But is there any way for people who aren't suicidal to tell the difference between the non-gender-dysphoric feeling that you don't fit in anywhere, and the gender-dysphoric version?

[Angela Campbell]

In short ....the answer is yes

It is pretty hard not to know. It is a lifetime of hiding, keeping a secret from everyone. Your parents, siblings, friends lovers children....no one can ever know. It is living a life of lies and feeling like you are the only creature like this in the world and if anyone knew they will hurt you. It is knowing that everything is wrong, it changes and becomes numbness and seclusion, a fear of people, a fear of being alone, it builds up over time and becomes more and more until there is nothing left. It is feeling like you are wrong and no one will ever believe you. It is walking death.

then again YMMV in my case I was dieing (physically but not suicidal). It is something you know with no doubts about it and it is the fighting it that makes you have all the bad stuff.

I guess a good therapist helps to figure it out as well.

[LostInMyself]

I guess a good therapist helps to figure it out as well.

lol...Don't get me wrong. I am absolutely not expecting a therapist to diagnose me with this or that..This is ultimately completely me.
However, I have spent 20 years hiding this and guarding that from everyone. Putting up mental barricades from myself. I was hoping my therapist could help lift some of those..I don't know, is that asking too much?

[emma5410]

It is pretty hard not to know. It is a lifetime of hiding, keeping a secret from everyone. Your parents, siblings, friends lovers children....no one can ever know. It is living a life of lies and feeling like you are the only creature like this in the world and if anyone knew they will hurt you. It is knowing that everything is wrong, it changes and becomes numbness and seclusion, a fear of people, a fear of being alone, it builds up over time and becomes more and more until there is nothing left. It is feeling like you are wrong and no one will ever believe you. It is walking death.


This is exactly how it was for me. Excellent description.

[Angela Campbell]

It is difficult to describe. I know most who have not experienced it cannot understand. And yes if you want it to be a good therapist can help to guide you to a better place. It is you doing the work but they help you to notice things and give you a different viewpoint sometimes. Anyway it helped me.

[LostInMyself]

Just want to thank everybody for your responses! Gave me alot to think about and the motivation and advice to start getting out there. I just got back from my second trip..Walmart!...lol and oh did I totally get laughed at. But that's not going to stop me(despite my social anxiety).

[arbon]

Laughed at at wallmart? really? well try not getting your photo on the people of wallmart site. That would suck.

I had terrible social anxiety where I used to have a hard time even going to the grocery store. Its funny after transition it really has not been much of a problem, I was even up in front of several hundred people last year at this time and did pretty well. I'm not saying transitioning is a cure for it, its not, only that it did get me to a point were I stopped caring much about what people think of me. Kind of had to because you get a lot of attention when you transition.

[LostInMyself]

lol..yeah that would suck..didn't think about that..oh well.

Yeah, I know the grocery store issues...But the 2 times I've gone out, it's been different..Easier to go out. and even knowing that people were laughing at me didn't have the effect it would've normally had. I won't say it hasn't affected me a little, but more of me is laughing about it then anything else.

[Angela Campbell]

Find a local group and go out and socialize. Going to Wal Mart is ok but it is better to go somewhere safe and meet others like you. It is amazing how much it changes things.

[LostInMyself]

Good idea, because I am now about 75-80% sure that the family that busted out laughing at me was actually my neighbor from 2 houses down...Just my luck :(

[NinaP]

Finding a supportive group can change the way you approach going out; it can change insecurity and doubt into a great deal of fun. There is (emotional) safety in numbers.