Not out at work . . . Coping with that?

[melissaK]

LeaP commented in her thread earlier today that she's not out at work for reasons important to her and it's hard to stay hidden with physical body changes. For my own reasons I am not out at work either and I identify with the wardrobing task presented.

But what I want to do here is expand her thread to this, coping with that work "not out" mode / everywhere else "out mode" transition.

My last few Mondays have been spent battling depression, and after thought and introspection I really think it's from being out and alive as myself all weekend, and then having to emotionally "go back" into my closet so to speak, on Monday. This is getting harder. This hurts. I'm not yet crying about it, but I'm getting close.

So I know there are some who have done this incrementally out routine as part of their transition, saving being out at work for last.

- How did that go for you, or how is it going?

- did you experience return to guy mode blues?

- How long did you go, or how long have you gone?

- Any coping tips?

[Angela Campbell]

Dressing as a guy doesn't really bother me much anymore, it is kind of like wearing a costume or something. I would rather not but I do it for now. I will probably have to for a while still at least until April or so. (if I can get away with it)

[sandra-leigh]

I had a hard time coping. It got worse with time. I took increasing chances, such as working dressed over all of the Christmas break, and increasingly changing just before I left work and walking out letting whoever happened to be in the lobby see me. We had 24/7 security, so there was always someone from the security company, and one never knew which of my co-workers would happen to be working late. Sometimes I would stop and talk to security for a while (10 to 45 minutes) while other people were coming and going.

It was churning up my gut. If it had been only the occasional day (e.g., when one of the bigwigs came by) I could probably have handled it back then: I didn't need to be every day, but it was doing me in to do no days.

End of winter 2012, we were preparing for a major reorganization and a major budget announcement. I had a bunch of reasons to expect that they would take advantage of the reorganization to let me go. I didn't dare come out for fear of being let go -- let go not for being trans, but for having the bad judgement to be a staff distraction during such a difficult time. I was badly enough messed up inside that I was telling myself that if I wasn't let go, that in about 3 to 4 months I was going to go public anyhow, even if it did cost me my job -- that it was getting too hard on me to continue without being out. I knew it would be a bad career move there, but I was feeling that if I didn't come out that I wasn't going to survive there anyhow. We go through the first scare, but a week later our unit was called in and about 60% of our unit were laid off, due to a secret backroom deal. I felt relieved: I was getting out of the hard situation and getting paid to leave. So I struggled through the clean-up period and I was gone gone gone without ever having come out.

The experience of keeping myself hidden left me so nauseated that now when I think of the possibility of getting a job in which I have to hide, the thought alone quickly makes me feel that I am just a little before the point where I would feel like throwing up. I just can't do it anymore. I can't even "pretend" for an interview and then Surprise when I report for work. Regardless of what my legal identity is by that time, I can't go into an interview as anything less than Gender Queer Going On Female. If it means failing the interview then it would be a place I could not work anyhow.

How did I cope? Day by day. Got sicker and sicker. Didn't try at all to hide my bust development as it happened -- just didn't talk about it.

How long? I don't know, that's hard to say. Before HRT, I was being internally pushed to go more and more visible, to take bigger and bigger risks. I was, really, transitioning while still denying it, and even while denying it, the internal pressure to be out was dragging me down a lot. As it built up over time, there wasn't any particular time I can point to and say "It started then."

In some ways I feel quite fragile, but then I remind myself that for years I survived internal pressures that would have left most people a wreck (well, more of a wreck than I was.)

[arbon]

- did you experience return to guy mode blues?

I absolutely hated it with all my being

[Angela Campbell]

I just found out that the company uniform shirt we use - a polo shirt with logo - is only available in mens sizes. We only have about 5 females who wear the uniform and they have been complaining about this. Looks like my everyday clothes may not change much from what they are now. I already wear womens pants everyday and will be getting some womens shoes soon. (safety shoes)

So the only difference anyone will see will be my hair style and makeup.

[Badtranny]

Hmmm, I don't really understand this emotional hardship that so many describe, but I didn't feel it. Dressing like a dude didn't bother me, cross-dressing began to bother me a bit because I just started to hate the way I looked.

Let's see, I started HRT with a 2 year plan to transition and a year later I had told everyone I was transitioning. I was 'out' but I wasn't presenting as female at work and everywhere else I was basically just androgynous. It wasn't important to me to dress the part but for some reason it was really important that everybody knew I was transitioning.

I didn't hate wearing men's clothes but I definitely hated being closeted, so I guess that's how I dealt with it. Dressed like a dude, but came out of the closet as transgender.

[Kimberly Kael]

So I know there are some who have done this incrementally out routine as part of their transition, saving being out at work for last.

I started out utterly closeted at work even when I was out to a handful of others. I followed up with a lot of gender drifting, even at work, in the years leading to my transition. I was much more blatant outside the office, but it crept in across the board. Even then I found drawing the line between the two to be tiring.


- How did that go for you, or how is it going?

It was tough but ultimately worthwhile. It allowed me to test drive my identity before committing.


- did you experience return to guy mode blues?

Very much so. Gradually feminizing gave me an outlet but the pressure kept building. The bigger a step backward I had to take at work, the harder it was. I collapsed in tears the first time I had to go from a week en femme back to my drab presentation.


- How long did you go, or how long have you gone?

From that first full week to transitioning at work was about 20 months for me.


- Any coping tips?

Have people to talk to! And listen, because your inner monologue is going to make moving at a faster pace seem like a bright idea — but in practice it can be really hard on people around you without an adjustment period.

[Amy A]

I came out as transgender a good while ago so everyone knows it's going to happen. I'm now living as female out of work and male at work but only until next month when I go full time across the board. I don't get upset about dressing in male clothes, and to be honest like Melissa I don't quite understand the extreme reactions some describe. The fact that people know makes it fine, sure I'm looking forward to not having to switch between the two gender roles all the time and being able to be me all day long but doing it this way enables me to get my confidence up a bit before the workplace transition.

[sandra-leigh]

Not coming out at work was like being in a cage, likely to be beaten if you got too close to the exit. And then at night you get to fly free. But the next day you grab yourself and force yourself into the cage (maybe it is the only source of food you know of), and get beaten without bruises, and yelled out with voices that others don't seem to hear. But if you could throw off the costume, you might be free, or you might be crushed. As time goes on, it becomes more and more appealing, more feeling like being crushed, if that is going to happen, wouldn't be as bad as living with the daily torment.

[thechic]

Originally I started work as a man because that was what I was meant to be , but found I was having big issues It was affecting me badly.
So I seeked professional help , About 5 years ago I started feminising myself , for 2 years I had a androgynous look at work, but when not at work I was full time as a woman most of the people I was doing jobs thought I was female anyway. then one day I decided to rid of all my male things but buy that time I didn't have much male stuff anyway, two weeks latter my boss asked me what was going on , he told me everybody thinks your a girl, and then I told him my story and that I was taking HRT.
I found it just too hard carry on trying not to be a woman even at work. So I'm now a female engineer . Still have issues but thats another story

[Rianna Humble]

Hmmm, I don't really understand this emotional hardship that so many describe, but I didn't feel it.

Yes, Melissa, that is a good illustration of how we don't all share precisely the same experiences. Fortunately, we don't have to have experienced something to sympathise with the person who is suffering.

Something I have never experienced is being a husband (my GID prevented me from experiencing that) but I am still able to offer my support to those who have.

[arbon]

The thing about when I was still going to work with a male identity - I had already come out at work and planned on transition. After some thought my employer did not like that idea and things got messy with the company. So for the next 1 1/2 years I was living outside work as female but then going to work as male, which was an interesting thing because its such a small community every one knew I was doing this daily switch, including my boss.

It was not about clothing. It was hard because I wanted to escape that male identity but still felt trapped into it. Thats what made it difficult, it was extremely stressful.

All I could do is take it a day at a time knowing that it would eventually change one way or the other. And I prayed a lot, and had friends to vent to.

[Kathryn Martin]

Transition creates it's own dynamic. Often people believe it can be done half, as in work/life separation, or strung out over a long period of time. By my own experience it can not. The problem is that once you let that genie out of the bottle it is very hard to stuff it back in again and doing so recurrently creates a large raft of it's own problems. I transition on a day certain. Both socially and professionally. From the day that I took my first step to full transition was 9 months. I did not slip up, no one even had an inkling except a very few specific people. (less than 4). Given my position and my reliance on my professional credibility it could not be otherwise. In doing this I was able to control the message fully and the sensation died within a couple of weeks because how I presented in public was designed to avoid being open to criticism (which keeps the sensation alive).

I did not allow myself to dress and be seen in those nine months except when shopping for my new wardrobe. It was hard but it paid off. When I transition on April 1st 2011, nothing was left to remind anyone of my previous appearance. Today people cannot even remember what I looked like 2.5 years ago and their impression of me formed prior to that time has been replaced completely. I don't know if this helps.

[LeaP]

It helps me. I have very similar aims.

[Marleena]

I think it's good that Misty brought up her point. It just proves that although we're the same (TS) women, we think differently. So throw away the textbooks. I'm not all that bothered yet at this point by wearing men's clothes although I do groom like any woman would. Like I said before I'm still part time to keep the peace at home so I don't end up homeless. I spent 59 years wearing men's clothes and clothes are the least of my concerns right now. However if I do go full time in the future that thinking could change. Like some of the others said, it's getting difficult to hide body changes.

[Emily83]

Hi melissaK. my wife actually started on this chapter yesterday. after watching her struggle with EXACTLY what you mentioned.i call it the monday tuesday wednesday blues. she gets to be herself all the time, except for work.
fortunatly for both of us, my stepfather is part of the senior leadership team of the government department where my wife works. he was the first person my wife came out to after me & has been nothing short of fantastic (obviously why he was first cab off the rank).
so with support from family she called human resorses & told them a meeting needed to occur for A B C. all going to plan, today will be the last day of awkward, oversized shirts & tears upon arrival home. we're going into summer & it hit 29ºc yesterday. she hasn't done this a moment to soon. i'm so worried if she keeps wearing these oversized long sleeved shirts & sweaters, she'll become very sick & noone can afford that.
i wish i could swap places with her until things settle. all i can do is be there for her. the depression caused by 'guy mode' work can never be underestimated. ♥♡

[Jorja]

This is what it comes down to for those of you leading a "double" life. You will continue to lead that double life until such a time you say enough is enough. One day it will hit you right between the eyes. You will say, I cannot do this anymore. Until that time comes, you will find every and any reason in the world to maintain your cover.

There is a quote that I like to associate with coming out and I feel it is pretty accurate.

The time came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud became more painful than the risk it took to bloom - Anais Nin

[melissaK]

Well everyone's comments have framed things pretty well.

I came out to wife, kids and a handful of close friends and started carrying out a traditional transition plan last January. Once "out" I found I was changing in a myriad of ways and I realized I just don't want the full MTF life. I found a "gender outlaw" niche. It's astounding to me that it's comfortable and makes me happy.

And transitioning to outlaw, dressing outlaw, it's like nothing compared to full MTF. It's a small wardrobe change and no haircuts. It should be so easy. I really thought being outlaw would leave me so close to natal gender that things like dressing like I have for decades and people not knowing my issues wouldn't matter.

That assumption is proving wrong. It seems to matter a lot, a whole lot.

Don't misunderstand, it's not a feeling "outlaw" is wrong for me, it's just I want to be "me" all the time, even though the transition to outlaw me isn't all that great an outward change.

Many of you echo the pain of partial transition and it means a lot to know my feelings are pretty normal. (I can't believe I just used the word normal to describe us).

BadTranny who emphasizes it was important to her that everyone knew her nature regardless of her transition state echoes the same concept.

And so as a couple have said, it comes down to courage to transition further at work. Right now I don't have it. Right now the logic and fear of imagined bad consequences rules my heart.

Since January I have struggled and persevered with my wife in keeping our love for each other alive - and issues at work pale in comparison. But the desire to be "me" is a heartfelt issue nonetheless, and now that the trauma over my relationship with my wife has waned the "out" at work issue is more obvious.

So I'll figure it out when I have to, or when opportunities present themselves.

Thanks for everyone's 2 cents. You are all the best. :-)

[Cheyenne Skye]

Whether or not to come out at work is the thing I am currently struggling with as well. I'm sure my coworkers have noticed the physical changes but no one has said anything to me about it. My desire to come out is just that I can't take the switching back and forth much longer. But my fears of how people will react is what keeps me from saying anything. And I don't really want to make a big production of it either. I have read how others did the whole big HR, announcement at a company meeting or email to all the staff kind of thing, but I would rather just be subtle about it all. If there even is such a thing. I mean like, just tell HR and my supervisor and get on with my life. But I have yet to do a legal name change. And of course, when I do, everyone would need to know so they can address me with the right name (and pronouns). Conundrum meet my life....:brolleyes:

[mary something]

this is such a tough topic to generalize because everyone is different. It is difficult if not impossible to "half-way" your gender id and presentation. A really important part of "passing" and feeling comfortable in a new gender and social role is doing it with complete conviction and giving it 100%. Maybe it's just me but it's really hard to do this well if you're having to live a life where both gender roles are used. It causes a lot of stress and one doesn't get to experience having an authentic identity that is fully lived and experienced, which is really (in my opinion) the impetus for all of this for many people.

Embracing the gender outlaw presentation makes a lot of sense to me. It just seemed really important to me to examine the preconceptions and learned behaviors that I had acquired throughout my life that guided my behavior in the male gender presentation. For me personally it was very freeing to not care if I had nail polish on my hands in male androgynous mode, or use my female voice, or whatever it is that is a hurdle that needs to be overcome to get to where we need to be.

Maybe it's not so much that we're flipping a switch and suddenly go from M to F, but more like we are constantly throughout transition pulling thousands of independent tiny levers that incrementally take us to where we need to be. Sometimes those tiny steps feel huge, like the first therapist visit, or the first time you take E, etc. Looking back it seems that while each of those moments were important that the really powerful stuff was just to keep moving forward step by step. Maybe coming out at work is your next step?

I'm happy for you that you are at a safe enough place in your life that you are comfortable contemplating what is next for you to find more happiness :) Who knows, if you've been pulling off the gender outlaw thing well enough it might not be such a shock to anyone that you're a woman anyway :)

[Ariamythe]

Dressing like a dude didn't bother me, cross-dressing began to bother me a bit because I just started to hate the way I looked.
This rings true for me. I need to be in "guy mode" for work, but I'm good at my job and proud of what I do so it doesn't bother me too much that I have to do it as Him. I'm more bothered off the job ....