feeling "Not good enough"

[sandra-leigh]

I've been thinking a bit, and realizing that part of what holds me back is the worry that "I won't be good enough" at living as a female. That my appearance will be too male, that I won't move well enough, that I won't talk well enough, that although people might be courteous that they will leave me out, that I will run into problems with bathroom use, that I won't do makeup well enough, that my experiences are so male that I won't "think" or react female enough, that I won't be able to form female-to-female friendships... that I'll still be the outsider.

These feelings are distinct from worries about managing to keep hold of my professional reputation, about interviewing well, about explaining the gap in my work history, about loss of relationships, and so on: those are about the cost of giving up male, not about the living as female once one has paid those costs.

What are other's experiences in encountering these "not good enough" doubts? How did you cope with them? Which was the hardest one to convince yourself was not true? How long did it take / has it been taking to get past these kinds of doubts and start feeling like you really belong?

[Angela Campbell]

I guess we all have them from time to time. I use it as a way to identify what I need to work on. If I feel like I don't look good enough, I find what it is that is not looking good enough for me and work on that, if it is how I move then I study that and make changes. I ask friends, I watch others, I study makeup and movements and everything I can about it.

I know some will never accept me, and some will. I only know I was a failure at trying to be a man so this is all that is left for me. I don't get past the doubts, I use them.

[Frances]

It's what kept me from transitioning for over 40 years. I put in all efforts when the choice was not there anymore. I am pretty happy with the results now, thankfully.

It takes a lot of effort, and this push can come from sheer will or intense desperation. If I look at a photo montage of my transition, it's a wonder I kept going. The simple answer is that I had to, whatever the outcome.

[Kathryn Martin]

It is those doubts, those concerns that cause people to transition late. By age 35, after struggling and fighting to stay alive I resigned. In many ways I ended up deader than a doornail on the inside - and still suffered. And in the grand scheme of the genetic lottery I was more fortunate than many others. But as Frances says, sheer will and/or intense desperation will often throw open the doors and expose the path.

[Robin Lee]

Sandra,
For me I found that once I jumped out of the frying pan and in to the fire, I had to relook at how bad my presentation was and worked on it in real time. You can plan and practice like many of us have done for year and still not think we are presenting well enough. well look around at the GG's! They all act and present different than each other to. So you need to go out into the real world and be your self, not someone elses presentation!
Alittle hint, no one out there has time in there bussy word to be looking to see if you are a woman our not! Remimber don't over do it, less is more!

Best Wishes, Robin Lee

[Eryn]

...well look around at the GG's! They all act and present different than each other to. So you need to go out into the real world and be your self, not someone elses presentation!

This was the thought that I had when I read Sandra-Leigh's post. Many of us fixate on being the woman of their dreams, not the woman that we are. I know a number of GGs who, if you judged them by our common standards, would be lacking in their presentation. Regardless, they are all successful because they have no doubts about their femininity. The task we face is erasing those doubts in ourselves.

[Jorja]

You need to quit thinking and start doing. Our own minds will eat us up if we allow them to. Just be you the rest of it will work itself out.

[whowhatwhen]

Last week I caught myself in a full body mirror and spent the rest of the day in bed sleeping to escape how shitty I felt.
Sure I can pass as queer, but it's going to be a long time and a lot of trouble on the road to looking female.

I know how you feel, I'll leave any specific suggestions to more experienced members but I hope you're able to overcome this.
Though, at least from going with the queer-looking/acting part I can say that it helps to not dwell on the feelings of others.

[arbon]

What are other's experiences in encountering these "not good enough" doubts? How did you cope with them? Which was the hardest one to convince yourself was not true? How long did it take / has it been taking to get past these kinds of doubts and start feeling like you really belong?

Belong to what?

I used to never think I could look like anything but a man no matter what I did. I do sometimes still get down on myself, like when I went to a womens retreat last month, I was not sure if I could "belong" with them or not, if I was still to masculine looking to be accepted.
But really though I do look very feminine even if it is not perfect. I still get clocked a lot, and a lot of people will never see me as female, but I don't have the intense GD that I did before and I am not ashamed and afraid of who I am now. I don't feel stuck in a corner I can't get out of.

So its not perfect, I have a trans identity, its a million times better then where I was though.

[dreamer_2.0]

Our own minds will eat us up if we allow them to.

Ain't that the truth. My mind has got quite the appetite and often goes back for seconds or thirds.

Sandra-Leigh: Those doubts fly through my mind on a daily basis and probably know exactly how you feel. :(

[Badtranny]

This is the life.

When I began this journey three years ago, I was resigned to NEVER looking like a woman and ALWAYS being something different. Nobody passes in the first year, some never do. It's not about how others see you anyway, it's about how YOU feel.

I transitioned because I would rather be seen as a transsexual than pretend to be a man anymore. That's the point right? To live an open and honest life?

[gonegirl]

Melissa - Personally, yes that is the point. I wouldn't be blowing my life up for anything less than needing to live an open and honest life.

Si.

[Nigella]

I do not give a monkeys on how anyone else sees me. My transition has been for ME, no-one else. Yes there are times I look in the mirror and still see him, in facial features only. This does not interfere with my life.

[Angela Campbell]

I don't know...looking in the mirror and seeing him certainly interferes with my life. And by god I will do something about it.

[kimdl93]

Mind you, I'm not TS, I'm TG so my observation should be taken in that context.

I resigned myself to the fact that physiology, brain wiring, mental conditioning and life experience all skew the way I present so that I can never claim to be a woman and most often may not be seen as one. But I've resolved to not let that forever cosign me to life as a male. I'm more than that. And I'm happier with myself when I'm experiencing life as a woman, regardless of how others perceive me.

I make compromises every day for work and other associations where I'm still expected to be a male. And there are some relationships in my life that may never fully accommodate my uncompromising self.

I could inflict depression upon myself by allowing myself to feel bad about those compromises. Instead I view them as a part of the cost of living...like the utility bill.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You are good enough..

Sometimes our appearance can be a factor in transition decisions and quality of life during and after transition. That's just the way life is.

If you are female, your energy is female..

and if your appearance includes too much maleness in your mind, you may be able to do much better than you think as others have done, or you may need to rely on the fundamental nature of your true self (sounds like gobblygook I know), if you accept yourself fully, you deal with being an unattractive woman...because that's more fulfilling to you than being any kind of man.

regardless of that...you ARE good enough.. its that simple...and the fact that you don't FEEL good enough doesn't change that you actually ARE good enough..

[emma5410]

I think these 'not good enough' thoughts are common. I certainly experienced them and still do to some degree. In practical terms most will improve with experience. You will just get better. Hormones will also do their work to some degree. The important thing that I learnt is that other people really do not care that much about you. They have their own lives and problems. They do not notice these things as much as you do. As time goes on it gets easier because you get mentally tougher.

[cdmorganashley]

i think these feelings of not being good enough are keeping me locked in an existence preventing me from being who i really want to be... i have been aware of my desire to express myself in more feminine ways from a young age but have always been super sensitive about being discovered and so have tried to mold myself into the opposite as best i could so no one would find out how i really feel... now i just want to be myself but there is a lot of conditioning and body development working against me and i don't feel strong enough to deal with the rejection and ridicule i feel i would encounter by exposing who i feel i really am... another concern i wrestle with is the fact that no matter what changes i make to my body (be it hormones or surgeries) i will never change my genetic makeup to that of a gg, so i worry that doing these things, which have realistic health concerns , will not bring me the satisfaction i am looking for no matter how much more feminine they might make me look--would i be chasing something its not even possible to catch going that route? anyway for me i have been trying to focus on what i can change without risking harm to my body, which is losing weight, and that feels like a good start... i am also working on improving my overall self esteem and trying to put a lot of thought into what specific changes to my lifestyle will make me feel like i am being true to my inner person--to be honest i'm not sure what those are right now--maybe its just finding a few close friends that i can present as female to and be accepted/maybe its going the transition path... anyway i think you are never going to belong in the minds of some people so to feel like you belong is really about accepting yourself for who you are and being okay with whatever results from being your true self--that could be a mannish unpassable transwoman, it could be someone who looks like a supermodel...

[sandra-leigh]

I appreciate the replies.

I have so much male history that I still "default" to male reactions in a lot of cases, which makes it hard to really feel that I am a woman. None the less, I long to live as female. For example there are days where I wish I still lived in Ontario so that I could go in and quietly file for an official gender change, no muss, no fanfare, just go ahead and do it. Every time I file a form of any kind and it asks for title (really honorific) or sex, I get upset because "Mr." "Male" is not me anymore. Two days ago at a new doctor, I went ahead and ticked Female and then confirmed that I don't have any periods. When I think about living as female, I worry more that I might be forced to backslide. My eyes are tearing up now as my insides well up about not living as female even though my brain still "thinks" male-like.

[cdmorganashley]

Sandra do you see a gender therapist? i think there is a lot to consider when thinking about going all in and living as a female and someone trained to help sort out all the thoughts and emotions involved is probably a good place to start... often times i feel so frustrated with the way things are that i just want to take the plunge and change everything, but in my less emotional moments a more gradual approach seems to make more sense as i don't know for sure that changing everything is necessary for me to be happy even if it feels that way at times...

[sandra-leigh]

Morgan, Yes, I have been seeing a gender therapist for years now. I have not been rushing into anything.

[Frances]

Longing to live as a female and being a woman are not the same thing. This thread started about appearance. I now see some red flags.

[sandra-leigh]

Frances, if you review you will find the thread was always about living as female, including social relationships and including reacting as female; appearance is part of it but by no means all of it. It's about fitting in, internally and as seen by others. It is closely related to The Imposter Syndrome.

[Kimberly Kael]

I have so much male history that I still "default" to male reactions in a lot of cases, which makes it hard to really feel that I am a woman.

Growing up I certainly got all the usual "guy training." Peers made sure to criticize every vaguely feminine habit I had, from displays of emotion to the way I walked to the way I dealt with conflict. I rejected most of it from the start, which simplified my transition, but there's always some aspect of it that winds up being internalized as a measure of self-protection. The hard part is often giving yourself permission to violate these social norms. So you may be in something of a Catch-22: you aren't allowed to express yourself as a woman because you aren't sufficiently feminine in your form of expression to think of yourself as one. Until you let go of the chains that bind you to that cycle you'll continue to struggle.

It comes down to what others have said. Get out of your head and start living the way you want, and it will slowly shift from feeling artificial and practiced to coming naturally. It just takes time, as it does for all girls growing up.

[sandra-leigh]

My last two major pieces that I need to settle are with my spouse and with my mother. Bits like official name change are, to my mind, past the hard part, as the hard part is internal. The adjustments will be "work", yes, but at least at the moment feel more "anxiety provoking" than "scary".

[MatildaJ.]

You are good enough... If you accept yourself fully, you deal with being an unattractive woman...because that's more fulfilling to you than being any kind of man... The fact that you don't FEEL good enough doesn't change that you actually ARE good enough.


To feel like you belong is really about accepting yourself for who you are and being okay with whatever results from being your true self

I just wanted to say that I love love love these comments. They resonate so strongly with me, and how I feel as a person: I may never belong to an in-crowd, I may never have lots of close friends, but if I love myself and respect my own decisions, that's all I really need to get by in life.

[Jorja]

To be totally honest, we can read everything in print about transsexuality, we can memorize the effects of hormones, we can buy and wear the latest fashions, we can change our name, and we can have our gentiles reconstructed. None of this makes us a woman. There is a point each of us reach where we must take a deep breath and jump. We must believe that what we have spent years and in many cases thousands of dollars for is real. We must take a leap of faith that we can really be the person we know oursleves to be. Only you can tell when that time comes. Are you ready to take a deep breath and jump?

[StephanieC]

From time to time, I just get so frustrated I cry. But you have to keep going. I think it's like climbing a mountain: every so often you need to take a break before resuming the climb...it's still a way to the top but you can look down and see how far you've come.

[gonegirl]

I like that analogy, but how many actually reach the summit? It takes an incredibly strong person to get through this. I think Kathryn said in another thread that the suicide rate peaks during and just after transition.

[Rianna Humble]

it's still a way to the top but you can look down and see how far you've come.

I don't dare look down - I'd fall off!


I think Kathryn said in another thread that the suicide rate peaks during and just after transition.

It is nigh-on impossible to tell how many TS's commit suicide before transition as pretty-much nobody will know that they were TS

[Angela Campbell]

So we jump off a cliff and still are climbing a summit.......no wonder I am so tired.

[sandra-leigh]

Jorga didn't say anything about jumping down :D The air is kinda thin on mountain summits, so if you are going to jump to up there, you need the deep breath before hand.