LaraPeterson
10-14-2013, 10:49 PM
After 8 months of trying to be something I'm not, I've finally started coming back to life as a CD (I only use CD is the most generic of senses because I'm so much more in many ways, but I identify with the beautiful ladies on this site, especially those who have been so kind to me). A few of you may remember that I "accidentally" outed myself to my wife and she fell apart. The good news is that we are still together, stronger than ever, and that is not about to change.
The bad news is that she is never going to accept my girly self. She has concluded that I must be suffering from some sort of mental delusion/perversion and she continues to want nothing to do with that part of me. On the other hand, after months of frank conversation, she understands that this is not some passing fancy or temporary fetish I will "outgrow."
Last night, for the first time after that long dry eight months, Lara came to life again. The wife knew it was happening so she left town for a couple of days to visit family.
At first, I was as nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof. I couldn't get my eyelashes on straight, my eyeshadow was uneven, my liner didn't look right, and my makeup was way too heavy. So I took it all off and tried again. As my nerves settled, everything came back into focus. When I finished my makeup and let my long brown locks settle around my shoulders, I looked in the mirror and cried.
I've missed Lara so much. It's kind of weird referring to myself in any way other than first person, but my femme self has seemed so distant and unreachable. By the time I got all my lingerie and jewelry on, I was starting to feel OK again. The dress and heels almost gave me confidence in myself. But it wasn't until I put my bag over my shoulder, got in my car and drove away from the house that I knew this was going to work.
I called a guy friend, one of the few who has known about Lara for a long time and is just that, a "friend;" we met at a little bistro not far from my town and the first words out of his mouth when he saw me was "hey gorgeous." Well, that did it! I know as well as anyone that I'm NOT gorgeous, but to have a friend try to build my confidence was very rewarding to my psyche.
We had a light snack, drank some coffee and chatted for over an hour. We drove to a local shopping center and talked for another two hours while we "window" shopped. As I tired from the hours in heels, I told him I needed to get back home. He kissed me on the cheek and thanked ME for letting him help me get back on my feet.
This is going to be a slow process. No more going out secretly. No more hiding my things. But no more conniving either. I called my wife and told her about my evening out. Her voice did not ring approval but at least it did not foment with the hatred and fear I've heard previously. I imagine this is going to be a DADT situation for the most part and I'm OK with that, I guess.
Thanks to all of you who have sent kind messages to me. Thank you for new friendships. Coming back to life is going to be fun.
The bad news is that she is never going to accept my girly self. She has concluded that I must be suffering from some sort of mental delusion/perversion and she continues to want nothing to do with that part of me. On the other hand, after months of frank conversation, she understands that this is not some passing fancy or temporary fetish I will "outgrow."
Last night, for the first time after that long dry eight months, Lara came to life again. The wife knew it was happening so she left town for a couple of days to visit family.
At first, I was as nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof. I couldn't get my eyelashes on straight, my eyeshadow was uneven, my liner didn't look right, and my makeup was way too heavy. So I took it all off and tried again. As my nerves settled, everything came back into focus. When I finished my makeup and let my long brown locks settle around my shoulders, I looked in the mirror and cried.
I've missed Lara so much. It's kind of weird referring to myself in any way other than first person, but my femme self has seemed so distant and unreachable. By the time I got all my lingerie and jewelry on, I was starting to feel OK again. The dress and heels almost gave me confidence in myself. But it wasn't until I put my bag over my shoulder, got in my car and drove away from the house that I knew this was going to work.
I called a guy friend, one of the few who has known about Lara for a long time and is just that, a "friend;" we met at a little bistro not far from my town and the first words out of his mouth when he saw me was "hey gorgeous." Well, that did it! I know as well as anyone that I'm NOT gorgeous, but to have a friend try to build my confidence was very rewarding to my psyche.
We had a light snack, drank some coffee and chatted for over an hour. We drove to a local shopping center and talked for another two hours while we "window" shopped. As I tired from the hours in heels, I told him I needed to get back home. He kissed me on the cheek and thanked ME for letting him help me get back on my feet.
This is going to be a slow process. No more going out secretly. No more hiding my things. But no more conniving either. I called my wife and told her about my evening out. Her voice did not ring approval but at least it did not foment with the hatred and fear I've heard previously. I imagine this is going to be a DADT situation for the most part and I'm OK with that, I guess.
Thanks to all of you who have sent kind messages to me. Thank you for new friendships. Coming back to life is going to be fun.