Oh B***er .. Not so good

[Sarah Plumber]

Hi Girls.
I'm feeling pretty fed up and may need some advice or guidance. Anything really, I don't know what to do.
First of all I'm out of work and finding in very hard to get back into anything at all. I'm trying everything and getting nowhere. This means I stuck at home most days and getting lonely. But it does mean I can wear what I like almost when I like. It's what I've always wanted BUT.
Since I found out a couple of years ago my wife had a close male friend and they were passing very suggestive messages to each other on top of my cross dressing my marriage is a mess. My wife didn't go all the way with this guy but it caused a lot of stress when I confronted her. Add to that I was suffering from depression.
Anyway since then I have been suffering with a lack of erection and on the 2-3 occasions we have tried sex has been really crap.
So here we are. We are now in separate beds. She tells me that she will never have sex with me again and she accepts I'm trans but not to let her see it or not to include her in any way. Truth is she now finds me sexually repulsive. We have been together for 23 years married for 21.
Crazy thing is we still love each other and quite often cuddle up, hold hands and stuff like that. She says she hates me touching her breasts let alone anything else.
I love her and want her back so much it hurts. I'm scared to death she'll meet somebody else just for the sex.
Since we started sleeping in different rooms I have shaved and love it, wear a nighty to bed every night and very rarely wear boys undies. I'm in woman’s clothes now more than men's. It's what I always wanted but NOT at the expense of my family. I think many of you will understand how I feel. Try to stop and after a while you just have to be a girl again. I just don't know what to do or how to win the love of my life back. How do I deal with my need to be a girl but NOT be a girl?

[kimdl93]

this is going to sound like a tired old piece of advice, but here it is: Seek a professional marriage counselor to address the issues in your marriage. Its not just the gender issue, and you can't fix the relationship unless you address everything that is creating barriers between you.

[Kate Simmons]

The first thing is to accept yourself and your own feelings. Then, perhaps, the two of you could work it out but if I've learned anything at all with this, I've learned TALKING to each other is the key to get all of the feelings out.:)

[Sarah Plumber]

Trouble is every time we start to talk we end up fighting. Probably because of the emotions involved. I certainly don't want to upset her but it happens and she has just looses her temper. I don't blame her. I've been a real pig at times or worse. Having no money and nothing to look forward to right now doesn't help either.

[Jaylyn]

No matter how hard it is you have got to keep patient and talk this out. Counselors are great at keeping the line of communication open and flowing...If yo still love each other things can be worked out. Is the lack of erection caused from your stress or a physical problem. ou need t find what is causing that problem. My wife and I said we'd never go to bed mad at each other and we have stayed up late some nights just working something out that will work for us both. It has worked so far for 44 years... love can conquer all. Sex is just a physical release...but important in a new marriage. Good luck ..

[CarlaWestin]

Your situation is not much different from mine except the clandestine paramour and I always can make a living even when not traditionally employed. I never let my proclivity become a hostage taking issue. I'm very matter of fact about it and since she's expressed that she just doesn't want to see it, I don't subject her to it. It works for now. She sees a therapist for other issues and occasionally I will attend meetings when invited. Like life itself, everything changes and you are constantly learning and reinventing yourself. Good luck to you.

[Beverley Sims]

Marriage counseling seems a good way to go, even if you see someone yourself in the first instance.
Maybe you should see and discuss these problems with your doctor too.
You have to start somewhere and make a move before it is too late.

[Joanne f]

Hello Sarah,
it is like standing in the middle of a seesaw with the two things you love on opposite ends, lean towards one and the other one falls off , so how can you have them both , I guess that you ether have to get the opposite things to come closer together or just go for one , in this situation nether is going to be very easy unfortunately there is no magic answer.

[5150 Girl]

Yea, this is why I always say come out when a relationship is in it's infancy....
However..... Now that the damage is done I'm on the counseling bandwagon, But on the other hand I understand that is more easily said than done on the tight budget! I also feel that if you get back in the green again things should improve. And again, I get that this to is more easily said than done, especially in this economy.
I'd say to her, or leave her a note: I love you very much, and I'm sorry we're having a rough time right now. I hope that when I find work again we can work things out.

[Chickhe]

They say if you get angry it means you still have passion for each other. The trick is to give each other space to talk and to listen. My wife and I went though a lot and we talked about separating. I went though a lot of what you have and first advice is, consult your doctor about the depression! The second part is to ask your wife for support...not about CDing...just about living life....make sure she is responsible and takes on a huge burden off your back while you get better. ...you need to accept yourself and tell her you can try to do what she asks but at the same time tell her you don't know if you can do it, that you -feel- like a failure to her (remember though, you are not a failure...you just hit some really bad times). Trust me, if you can admit how you feel she will see how much she needs to help things get better.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Definitely some good advice here, whether counselling and medical intervention will "cure" everything... still should try it, not doing anything is NOT going to work, this won't go away on it's own.

One thing you should do, is find a way to be active, there is no downside to that. You have the time, at least go for long walks. Keep trying to go a little farther, a little faster. The physical and mental benefits cannot be overstated. Just do it.

[linda allen]

Kim gives good advice. Follow it.

[Sarah Plumber]

Thanks folks.
I do keep active with various things. I'm out most days doing something or working on various projects. I volunteer for at least 5 to 20 hours a week. I've a few jobs in the pipeline but they might take time to happen. Not easy waiting to see if they work out though.
Another little upset last night when I asked if I could come back to bed (which I do every few days) and when I got a no, I just said OK and walked away. I was followed and we ended with tears and once again was told she "accepts" it get on with it.. just keep it away from me. I need to get through to her that "accept" is not what she is trying to say. If she was accepting she wouldn't get upset every time it's mentioned. What she is meaning is she intends to turn her back on it and ignore it. Not deal with it.
She said go put on your favourite dress and I'll throw up on it and apparently I'm a pansy.
I wont believe she "accepts" until she does something really obvious to prove she isn't upset by it. Maybe buy me something. Tell me what to wear or start to treat me like a full time girl. Then I think we will be pretty much over. In the mean time who knows.

xx

[Alice Torn]

Being out of an income, makes it extremely difficult to afford a therapist, or marriage counselor, unless there are some, for low income, or are free. Books can help, or a rare minister. I have been homeless and underemployed at times, ane could not afford much. I can relate, to low libido! No mate, anyhow here. Life is sure a bummer for some of us at times. I guess i would write the wife a heart wrenching honest letter, or heart to heart talks. Maybe have to change things, or break it off.

[DonnaT]

http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html

Call the folks at relate and set something up.

As for being home all day, the only thing I can suggest is getting out every day and look for work instead of staying home. Even if it is janitorial work, at least you'll be around others.