So I was "seen" by my wife.

[Heather_Shirly]

Ok So I feel like a fool!

We recently put a security system in the house. Part of the system was a camra so we could watch the Dog.

Yesterday I was working form home so i decided to get dressed up. I spent the mid moring in a nice silk short and demi bra set and my nice satin robe. In the afternoon I changed into skirt and cami with my red lacy bra and a nice pair of black knee high stockings with lace at the top. No wig(i have yet to be abel to get one) and no makeup.

I was workign away and feeling like i needed a break so i went downstairs and walked right past the camra not even relizing it.

When my wife got home she asked me right out about it. As luck would have it she was checking the dog right at the same itme i was walkignto the kitchen.... OPPS!

As you can most likely extrapolate from this my wife does not know that I dress and has never met Heather.

She came home and asked me about it right away. I didnt know what to say so I said i was working on a holloween outfit. She took that answer and accepted it and said "I knew it was something like that." She also said she didnt know what to think at 1st and didnt understand what i was wearing... She brought it up a few times over the night and one fo the last things she said was "You did that all by yourself... How come you have deprived me of the joy and the fun i would have had of making you look right?" She also said things like if you are a crossdresser you shoud have told me before we got married. She wasnt pissed off and wasnt upset(or at least didnt show it) but i could tell she was trying to make me tell her I was a crossdresser and i just couldnt do that. There was no argument and no hard feelings and we pretty much laughed it off for the most part.

Advice anyone? I am not really ready to have heather hang out wiht my wife but i feel really bad about keeping that part of me secret.

I think that over time i would have said something to her. I told my 1st long time girlfriend i like to crossdress and dressed in a nice little satin babydoll with her but she didnt like it so i never ever told anyother girl i was with about me.

THoughts? Advice? How should i play this? Should I tel her i do enjoy dressing and see what she says or should i jsut play it down as i did?

It always seemd to be she would be ver un-accpeting of CDers and such.

[KrissyTN]

Hi Heather,

Hmmm I think I would tell her that you no longer want to deprive her of the joy of making you look right! '-)
Maybe tell her that you enjoyed the dressing up you tried and you would like to explore it some more ......for Halloween of course!


Krissy

[Stephanie Miller]

In keeping with the Halloween theme: "Oh what a tangled web we weave..."

So your "excuse" may have been bought for now (although I really doubt she bought it. Give her credit. ).
The question still simmers.
How long you going to keep it from her? Till the top REALLY blows off? She already put her feelings on the table with her statement "if you are a crossdresser you should have told me before we got married". Her feeling of being deceived can only get worse.
Time for a talk.

[Megan72]

Heather, I am with Krissy on this. I would tell her now. Maybe not because of her comments but because to me the gig is up and I would prefer to be honest with her. I used to try and hide in the closet and then to hide in the house but I am realizing that as a loved one of a CDer myself, I wish I would have known all of that person before he passed. I regret not being able to love them for all off them. Just my 2€. Megan

[MsRenee]

That would have been your best time to have told her.
Now when you do approach her about it she may feel decieved by you not telling her.
It sounded like she might be ok wih it since you told her that she would have helped you on your costume.
Just my input on it hun.Renee

[ReineD]

She knows.

It's apparent that her instincts are telling her so, since she kept asking you about it and she even mentioned the crossdressing. If you continue to deny it and you get caught on a different occasion, then it will have been confirmed that you were lying. Not too many wives are OK with that.

The best thing to do, IMO, is to tell her the truth and at the same time explain why you didn't tell her the truth last night: you were afraid to.

[Heather_Shirly]

Yeah i really think i handled it all wrong and paniced a little. Just used to being never able to talk to her or anyone about it. Maybe if she brings it up again i will try to talk to her about it.

She was smileing and laughing about it...

[franlee]

There is really nothing to choose from. You are caught. So cut your loses, take the time to set down and have an honest and completely open conversation with your wife. She is either going to work with you or not it's that simple. If she can understand that this is part of you and helped to mold you into the man you are then your marriage can actually strengthen from it. If not I am afraid your marriage is going to become a prison and terribly uncomfortable for both of you. Compromise and understanding with a touch of empathy on both sides is going to be the key. With this said do remember you didn't get to where you are overnight and it may take patience along with effort on both of you so be sure to be open to considering her concerns as to how this could impact you under unforeseen circumstances. There will be many questions and uninhibited thought and answers are all that will satisfy her needs. An you will be surprised at what you find out about your wife in the process. I have been through this process 3 times myself and it always worked out to a good or better conclusion.

[vallerie lacy]

Heather,
There comes a time when the jig is up. That time has arrived. It's not gonna be easy, but you have got to tell her now. If you continue to BS her, she may take your dishonesty about dressing to mean that you don't care about her. I wish you all the best and hope to hear that you talked to her and everything is ok.

[Diane1950]

It looks like you have nothing to lose by coming clean now. Go for it

[marshalynn]

Tonight, when she walks in the door, tell her you made a big mistake last night, you were afraid to tell her the truth, start from there and go on..

[Alice B]

The advise is simple. It is time to have the talk. Open, honest and listen to what her concerns are.

[EllenJo]

As usual ReineD is right on target. She Knows! She may not wish to admit it now but she knows and needs for you to come clean. My wife knew long before we ever talked about it. I was lucky as she understood that my caring and nurturing side were a big part of what attracted her to me over the years and that it came from my feminine side. Good luck and I hope it works out.
Hugs
Ellen Jo

[gailprice]

Sounds familiar Heather I got caught by the wife.....But thats another story for another day.

Heather your 90% there. I know how hard it is to say those words "yes i crossdress". You may put the question to the wife example "how do you feel about crossdressing" or something like that. It's a hard one to call so only you may know what her reaction should be. Having said that she may lead you into a confession, Iv'e been there too.

Keep us posted on the outcome.

Gail xx

[Chickhe]

...you've really dug yourself in to a hole this time! ...but, The solution is simple. Bite the bullet and invite her out to a Halloween party with you dressed, maybe in a couple's theme. Make it a enjoyable and when she sees how much fun it is, confess a little bit to her...just enough to let her know that you enjoy it and have done it before. From what she said, it doesn't sound like she's really against it....might even enjoy it.

[Zylia]

So you forgot about the recently installed a camera system you installed to 'watch the dog' and your wife just so happened to watch the live stream (?) the minute you walked past the lens in your skirt, cami and black knee high stockings, weeks before Halloween? That's awfully convenient :D

If this is all true, I think your wife probably figured it all out by now. Come clean fast for the sake of damage control. Are you sure the cameras weren't installed for keeping an eye on you? :heehee:

[robindee36]

Bummer Heather. Might be a good time to check the archives for ways to discuss this with your SO. It can't be ignored and won't go away. So you need to deal with it.

Again, really bad luck. Time to, how one might say, make lemonade.

Hugs and good luck. Robin

[Melissa Rose]

I think your wife suspects or knows it is more than just for Halloween. I would bet she was already suspicious or thought something else was going on. As others have said, it is time to have a more honest talk with her. Don't wait until she brings it up again.

[Julogden]

Yep, it's time to 'fess up.

[reb.femme]

I got caught by my wife wearing her nightie and dressing gown in Feb 2012. Lingerie had been a part of our private life, shall we say, so she wasn't overly surprised. However, this event left her with the impression, or rather I left her with the impression, that it was just lingerie. I didn't come out with the full deal when the opportunity arose.

I left it a couple of weeks, using Jenniferathome's how to tell your spouse letter, formulated my own declaration of truth and told her one weekend. I've been out now since April 2012. Not always plain sailing to be honest, but she supports me. No guarantees on the outcome, but I really think your time has come or risk the wrath of the gods a little latter.

Essentially, your other half was asking for the truth so , in the words of Elvis Presley, "It's now or never".

Rebecca

[Celina]

Echoing what others allready said... Perhaps best thing to do is have the talk, the sooner the better... Good luck :)

[UNDERDRESSER]

Yeah i really think i handled it all wrong and paniced a little. Just used to being never able to talk to her or anyone about it. Maybe if she brings it up again i will try to talk to her about it.

She was smileing and laughing about it...Hmm, well, you were there, we weren't. Having said that, it certainly sounds like she's going to be OK with it, from the way you describe her reactions, sounds like you have an accepting wife, tell her. First read some of the other advice, and if she is accepting,

BEWARE THE PINK FOG!

That is, her acceptance is not carte blanch to go and get surgery, or any other "lesser' things you might be thinking of. Discuss with her your wishes, thoughts, confusions, etc. Find out her viewpoint, make sure you don't start making her feel unimportant.

[kimdl93]

Maybe she bought your excuse, maybe she didn't. But chances are good that you have raised her suspicion and I would guess that it's only a matter of time before she finds more evidence. You need to prepare for an honest conversation, take your lumps and hope she can adjust to a new reality.

[Heather_Shirly]

I think that if she brings it up tonight I am goign to ask her is she thinks anyhting is wrong with it or if she would be un-accpeting. IF i get postive answers then I think i might dive in and tell her my history of CDing and explain how i would be scared of losing her so that is why i didnt tell her the truth last night.

If she doesnt bring it up then maybe I will have conversations that will work up to it.

Thanks to eveyone that posted. You all kind of posted what I was already thinking.

[Megan72]

Heather, I think you should initiate the conversation and not be pollyannish about it. The fear of the unknown is a very powerful influence and if she is not sure about you being sure then that is a bad combination. Take charge of your behavior and be proud of who you are. Be a confidant woman. That does not mean be a jerk... I simply mean that if you calmly tell her who you are and what you enjoy, and where you want it to go, then she will feel better about it knowing that you know what you want...it will then be up to her to decide on her level of acceptance and together you can come up with boundaries and plans.

[jenni_xx]

She also said things like if you are a crossdresser you shoud have told me before we got married.

What are the connotations attached to her saying that. That she wouldn't have married you if you told her before? Or that she was simply saying that you should have been totally open with her right from the start of your relationship?

Her comment says it all for me - about where the problem for the majority of SO's actually lies. It doesn't so much lie in their partners being cd's. It lies with them feeling deceived by their partner for the length of time that they have been together (up to finding out).

There's a recent thread on here that debated whether not telling a partner is tantamount to lying to them or not. Opinions in that thread being split. Your situation is now much more clear cut. You have without doubt lied to her, by making up a bogus excuse for your crossdressing after being caught. That you feel bad about it really should tell its own story. In that respect, I agree with what marshalynn wrote - you should sit her down, tell her that you made a big mistake last night, that you were afraid to tell her the truth. It's completely understandable that you panicked to be totally fair to you, but now is the time for your to tell the truth. Your wife now knows, or at the very least suspects it anyway. She deserves to now know the truth.

[Sissy_Michelle]

Franiee is spot on. Once she finds the clothes and knows that they are not her size (and if they are her clothes more questions) she will either think you're cheating on her or you're lying to her. Sit down with her and explain how afraid you were of telling her. Her baiting you into confession after she caught you was her just trying to get the truth out of you. So the gig is up. I would not suggest surprising her then telling her as Heather... That is only for fantasy. Either take her to her favorite restaurant or HER most comfortable place at home and explain everything to her. Then and only then can you dress with her approval and knowledge. If she supports the idea? Great! Good luck and be happy, if not then I am sure she will set some ground rules that will change like the tide. However if you love her and she you AND you want to continue to be Heather you have to be honest and work through this together.

Good Luck
Michelle

[giuseppina]

You`ve been caught with your hand in the cookie jar, Heather. :D As usual, Reine is spot on with her remarks.

The thread below is about the issue you`re facing from a GG point of view:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner&highlight=

The longer you leave it, the harder it gets.

[Michelle V]

You lost your chance, women are exceptionally perceptive especially when it comes to their husbands, in my opinion she was giving you the chance to come clean and it seems like that door has closed. But it is up to you to open it again, carefully. My wife has always said it was not the fact that I dress that bothers her, it was the fact that I lied to her and kept a secret from her almost ten years. My wife is very accepting, it did take time for her to get used to Michelle but our relationship has never been better. So I hope you and your wife have a strong enough relationship because it would suck if she comes home from work one day and finds you again dressing up, she may feel betrayed and lied to and I think it is avoidable if you can bring yourself to be honest with her, give her the benefit of the doubt. If you tell her and she is as accepting as it sounds you are going to kick your self for not having come out to her sooner. Good luck.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

The fat lady has just sung & the party is over. Read jennifer at home's post re: the talk & greenie's thread about the thought preparation for the big talk . Good luck and keep us posted.

[reb.femme]

If or when you come to tell her, first start with explaining that you were too scared (mind blown, whatever) to tell her the exact truth when she recently confronted you about your CDing. I was shocked when caught, but I determined shortly after, that I would confess fully. Prepare your ground, rehearse and the conversation should flow much more naturally.

Good luck for the future, I know how big this decision is and will be, for ever more.

Rebecca

[lindseycdg]

regardless of sounding out how she may feel or how accepting she may be, you are married to her, and she deserves to be told the truth. she may accept it or may not, that is neither here nor there, you owe it to her to be honest about the fact that you cross dress. Just remember that communication and honesty can go along way toward repairing damage to your relationship.

[Rachael Leigh]

I would agree with those here are tell her the truth, be honest sit down with her a lay it out for her. She may not understand all of it as mine doesn't but maybe it would be a relief for her and for you.

[Heather_Shirly]

was it an easy conversation for people? I would think some wives are more understanding then others.

I am now reading the posts on how to have the conversation

[Diversity]

You've been caught out. Tell her. Pick a time when you both can talk honestly and openly and come clean about your crossdressing. She already knows....Good luck!
Di

[Stephanie47]

I didn't recall from reading through the thread which ensemble she saw you wearing? One would hardly be appropriate for most Halloween parties! Fess up!

[MarinaKirax]

was it an easy conversation for people?

No, it was excruciating, of course. I had to admit things that were acutely embarassing to me, compounded by my wife wanting to know about insignificant little details that are even more intensely personal (what about this makes you get an erection? Do you ,(ahem) - 'finish' when you dress?) SLogging through that and at the same time having to go over and over the same ground (no, I'm not gay - No, I don't want to have a sex change, no, I've never sexually touched a man..No, I'm not gay.)

But part of what made it so bad, why she wanted all those details, and why she perseverated on details was that I had lied to her. If you want to have this conversation once, tell her now. If you want to have fifty different versions of this conversation over the next 6 months, wait a while, lie to her a bit more, and then go through it anyway.

She knows. Your next task is to find a way to even start the conversation. Trust me, once you get the first 5 words out, it will come tumbling out of both of you. If she really had no desire to talk it through she wouldn't have asked you about the video footage. She knows. If she is the kind of person who would humiliate and disapprove, she would not have asked you about the video - she would never have mentioned it. The fact that she saw what she saw and opened a conversation of ANY sort about it shows she can talk about it. May I suggest walking up to her with a bottle of wine, 2 glasses, and saying the following: "uh.... can I talk to you about what you saw on the video?". Good luck! MK

[Majella St Gerard]

From the questions she was asking you it seems like she's cool with it, she suspects and she gave you a chance to come clean, you should have said something then, well what are ya gonna do? Just be honest and tell her the truth, do you want to keep hiding and worrying if she will find out, it's a lot less stressful.

[Bootsiegalore]

damn! Ditch the cameras!

[Silentpartner GG SO]

From where I stand, I'd say your wife has a pretty good idea - I think she was giving you the opportunity to come clean and tell her - she may have even found your stash. From the convo you describe it sounds to me like she was giving you a prod hoping you would be honest but unfortunately you compounded the problem and lied. Damage limitation now is get this out into the open asap.

Good luck

[lingerieLiz]

Maybe if she brings it up again i will try to talk to her about it....

No you wont! The next time she catches you she will be mad. Take ReineD's advice. Tell her you enjoyed the concept and liked the feel and would like her to make you "look right." You don't have to tell her more. If she likes it you will quickly know. You could tell her you liked working in women's clothes that day.

[Sister Rachel]

'Fess up now, she's sussed it anyway so don't p her off further with half-arsed stuff about halloween*. You may be in for a rocky ride in the short term but long term this is the right thing to do, believe me. It might just come about that your relationship deepens, talk honestly about it all and respect her take on it. If she can accept but needs to set "limits", then that's a very good sign.

* You American gals have this thing about Halloween that's pretty much unknown to us in Britain, it seems to me that by putting on your best frock on Halloween, you're sort of saying that crossdressing is freaky, scary, spooky, wiiiieeeeeerrrrrrddddd :evilbegon

OK, I'm sure we all love The Rocky Horror Show :), but when I put on my petticoats I don't turn into some edgy, threatening creature ( at least I hope not?) x

PS Marina's post said everything that needs to be said :)

[Linda Leigh]

She knows.

It's apparent that her instincts are telling her so, since she kept asking you about it and she even mentioned the crossdressing. If you continue to deny it and you get caught on a different occasion, then it will have been confirmed that you were lying. Not too many wives are OK with that.

The best thing to do, IMO, is to tell her the truth and at the same time explain why you didn't tell her the truth last night: you were afraid to.

I agree with Reine; the jig is up so tell her you were afraid to tell her!! With what you said, she may be ok with it on some level. Just my 2 cents worth :)

[Jill Devine]

I think that if she brings it up tonight I am goign to ask her is she thinks anyhting is wrong with it or if she would be un-accpeting. IF i get postive answers then I think i might dive in and tell her my history of CDing and explain how i would be scared of losing her so that is why i didnt tell her the truth last night.

If she doesnt bring it up then maybe I will have conversations that will work up to it.

Thanks to eveyone that posted. You all kind of posted what I was already thinking.
Pardon my choice of words but you need to man up. Be honest with her regardless of how hard it is. You're already on thin ice.

[Jenniferathome]

You are in deep with that lie. Come lean quick or it will haunt you. Go with, "Honey,I was just too embarrassed to tell you before,but I can't keep this lie going...."

[Jilmac]

If your wife bought your story about preparing for halloween, perhaps this would be a good time to take advantage of the opportunity to have her help you with makeup. After all she was the one who raised the subject about enjoying feminizing you. I say give it a try and if things work out, then tell her that you love to crossdress.

[Steph_CD_62]

Like everyone has said, it is time to come clean.

[Beverley Sims]

I would not volunteer any information at all.
Go with your wife's lead and if it leads to a bit of erotica, so be it. :)
Under no circumstances ask her if she thought you looked good or push it in any way.
The curiosity will eventually come out and it may be positive.
"It will take time."
Just work on Halloween for now.

[jessicamichelle]

Heather,
I really think that you should tell your wife everything. Don't ask her about looks, and don't ask her anything really. Let her ask the questions and be honest. That's the one thing I truly value from others, honesty. It's something I strive for, though I don't always succeed at it myself. This isn't something to sit on, she already knows and she's waiting for you to tell her before she has to confront YOU over it. If it comes to that, it's going to get really, really ugly. The two of you may need counseling, you may not it all depends on how things go; but tell her you must because it will come out, and chances are if it's not you doing the telling it'll be at the worst time possible and a time not of your choosing.

[docrobbysherry]

Tell her or quit dressing, Heather. U get to decide which is more difficult!

[Eva Skarlatova]

So...you have to be in girl mode on Helloween, right? :) It's sounds good! I think that you have missed the moment to discover to your wife your secret. In spite of that sounds like a good test for her acceptance.If you feel need think of sharing your CD....

[paulaprimo]

hi heather, always nice to meet a fellow ny'er.
i'm wondering if she already knows...and think you blew a golden opportunity
when she said "if you like to crossdress you should of told me before we got married"
since you didn't tell her, you still have an opportunity here...maybe you should say something like, you are really enjoying
your halloween outfit, and might want to dress again other than on halloween and see how she handles that...
i wish you the best and good luck :)

[Marcelle]

Hi Heather,

Everyone knows my take on to tell or not to tell, so I won't beleaguer the point.

In your case, you are caught sweetie and you do need to come clean at this point. I would not wait much longer to have the talk. Review the threads and find the best way forward. I can't promise you it will go well but you do need to accept that she most likely knows or at least suspects.

However, please don't think you are a bad person for hiding it in the first place, you did what you needed to do. Now it is time to move forward.

Hugs and good luck

Isha

[Destinë]

You missed a prime opportunity there. I was very worried about getting caught, but when we were playing around one day, my wife told me to try her underwear on. Whether she had rumbled me already and was giving me an opportunity I don't know. I snatched the chance while it was there though and also confessed I had received oral from another cd too. I was amazed at her reaction. She found it amusing.

[Bridgetlagurl]

:strugglin:strugglin "It is a tangled web weave when we practice to deceive." She is the one person in your life you have to be honest with.

[Stacy_sometimes]

You should tell her. That's a great opportunity. My wife always tells me that she can deal with just about any quirk I have, except lying. Getting into a situation where she doesn't trust what you say is the worst one to get into. I bet she'll be fine with it.

[Ressie]

How long have you been married? Or how long have you been keeping this a secret? Don't forget to say "I'm sorry" when you have your talk. You were afraid to share this with her and that's why you didn't tell her sooner. Good luck.

[MsRenee]

Its time to letthe cat outta the bag.
Dont let her initate the conversation. its gonna be best if you start it and come clean
Good luck
Renee

[Tina_gm]

My opinion on lying about this or not telling and sneaking it is that it is the wrong thing to do. That is not a personal attack, but merely my opinion. I was one who did not tell, and that is what causes my wife pain, anger, feelings of betrayal. My advice would always be to tell before you get caught. You were caught, and then you lied to get your way out of it. She probably already knows or suspects something, regardless of what you have told her. However, wives and GF's will likely hang on to whatever you tell them too. They may suspect some Cding, but will also be willing to believe a lot of what you tell them. They will go with it and live in a type of denial just as many of us CD's have or do as well.

So, My ADVICE... is that you sit down and tell her that for you it is more than just a Halloween costume. It is likely to go rough for a while. And as she has already told you, that not telling her about it is what would or is bothering her the most. That is all but unanimous when it comes to GG's on the subject of CDing. From the sounds of things of what she said so far, and her not completely freaking out about this, she will likely accept CDing to a point. Remember though that accepting and liking are two different things. And that in the beginning it may be quite rough.

I would say that after Halloween would be a great time to have the talk. Probably not during it while you are dressed, but very shortly after. Good luck with all of this.

[cdsara]

That sounds like the reply I got. She is waiting for you to tell her. If you wait too long then she might get upset that your trying to hide something from her. Mine said I wish you would have told me instead of lying about it. It wasn't the act of dressing but the lying she didn't like.

[RADER]

You do not tell a lye to cover up an on the lye.
Tell her the truth, you like wearing womans clothes.
You just might get a surprise; if not, well the truth never hurt anyone.
Rader

[JoanneCross]

You need to tell her about your dressing and be prepared to answer any questions she might have and she will need some time to process the new information. My wife took a couple of weeks to proces it and accept my dressing. Remember you have dealt with your dressing most your life so take it slow and I hope it all goes well

[Ceri Anne]

Ask her if she would like to dress you. I know things could go the wrong way, but from her reaction so far, I think I would work towards coming out.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

You'll never have another opening like this. She already knows. Get it out there and you will feel much better, and while she she may feel you deceived her during the marriage, she will feel better about you being open now.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Heather, There will never be a better time than right now.

[Emma 73]

Hi Heather, as everyone else has said now is the time to spill the beans. I remember when I was caught out by my wife. It was so embarrassing but I just let it all out. I think the sooner the better, perhaps this is easier said than done but you have been busted red handed. The longer you leave it the worse it will be in my opinion. Good Luck I hope it goes well for the both of you.

[Gigi]

Just tell her!!

It will be okay.

you will feel better, and so will she.

Truth is always best.

[sarahcrossed]

Tell her!!!!! It's no fun hiding things from the ones you love. Sounds like she would be ok with it.

[Quksilver420]

Tell her as soon as possible! The longer you lie the more uncomfortable it will be. The conversation will be hard enough. My wife took it well at first. After a couple months now she is having a harder time with it. BEST advice I have is be honest and take it slow

[UNDERDRESSER]

was it an easy conversation for people? For me, actually getting up the nerve to tell her was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but the actual conversation that followed wasn't just easy, it was surreal! We weren't actually dating, at the time, but it was going to happen and it was Important to get it right, which meant I had to be honest. I felt there was a fair chance she would accept, and I was almost certain she wasn't going to freak and out me. She just said "Oh Cool!" and after several seconds, I picked up my jaw from the floor, and we carried on our conversation, but now, it included underwear choices...

Mine was a very different situation to most, my GF is a very unique individual, but one similarity to the conversation that you will have, is that taking that first step..it's a doozy!

[Bethany38]

Heather I agree with everyone on the fess up approach, you have been caught red handed. She knows, and sees through the lies. Wives and S.O.'s are like that. When we love people we can see through the B.S. . I think if you sit her down and come clean, take it slow, let her ask all the questions, and answer her questions honestly and openly it MAY BE o.k. . Then again it could turn out to be a disaster, but at least you would be clean on the conscience side of things.

[Terrylynn]

My wife found out when she found the bag of girl clothes I was about to throw in trash. She confronted me wanting to know how long I had been having an affair and who the woman was. Initially I was scared to death she would find out I was a CDer so I almost admitted to having an affair rather than tell her the truth. I stammered for a bit but, seeing the pain in her eyes, decided to tell the truth.

In your case you were caught so you might as well tell the truth. As others have written covering the truth will just lead to additional pain. Not only are you a CDer but a lying one. Once you breach someone's trust it's very difficult to regain it.

[jjjjohanne]

How upset was she when she confronted you? When you told her it was a costume, was she significantly relieved or just academically enlightened? This can give you an idea of how opposed she will be. Your crossdressing will never be the same, I think. She will probably resist it. Most guys who get caught after being married lose a lot of their wife's trust. I cannot explain it since I am not a girl, but TRUST is something big to a woman in a situation like this. "What else are you hiding?" is the question I assume she is wondering. Perhaps I don't understand the meaning of "trust" to a woman. If she seems accepting, tread lightly. Some guys have posted how their dam broke and they opened up too much to their wife. After I told my fiance, in the days following, I told her too much and made her uncomfortable. ...and I don't do many "unusual" things. You have gotten to this point over the course of many years, she needs some time to catch up. I think you should tell her. But you could really blow it if you do it imprudently.

You know what they say, "The best time to tell your wife you crossdress is 25 years ago. The next best time is when she is drunk."
(But I don't condone drinking.)

[Scarlet Ibis]

Dear Heather,
As a wife, my opinion is you have received some really good advice here, right down to short scripts of words to get a serious conversation started. I gently suggest that if you had not wanted to have this conversation, and were not in your heart of hearts prepared for consequences, you would have retained the presence of mind not to walk in front of the nanny cam. As others have warned you--beware what is referred to here as the perception-distorting "pink fog" that could cause you to misread your wife and, now that the genie is out of the bottle, move too fast.
Best wishes,
Scarlet

[kimdl93]

Ok, so what's happened since you accidentally outed yourself? Anything?

[Heather_Shirly]

Hi girls!

Well she and I have not had a discussion. Things have been normal. She has joked about it a few times. A few times she has giggled to herself and said you were so cute. She did ask if i had some sort of odd sex fetich or somthing and i said no becuse my CDing isnt jsut a fetish(even if i do look cute in satin nightgowns ;P). That was foolowed up by an "Good. it would have been wired if you were into something like but i knew ou are not like that." She metnioned again it would have been fun to let her dress me up or to pick out some lingerie to go to bed in... I think i might take her up on the offer.

So nothing has really changed and no real talks besides the above has gone on with it seems she doesnt even care. If i do take her up on her offer then the talk will happen for sure.

[Jill Devine]

Heather - you are getting more and more rope. Don't hang yourself.
If you love her and respect her then you owe her honesty. You owe her the truth - nothing less.
The cat is half way out the bag. If you continue to lie and she catches you out a few yrs down the road it will be 100x worse. You will eventually regret not coming clean now. That future regret is inevitable

Do the right thing.

[Heather_Shirly]

You are all right. I will have the talk tommrow. We are having company tonight and no plans tommrow.

[kimdl93]

The last conversation you describe did seem to be heading in a positive direction. Sh knows and you admitted that it's more than a fetish, which may not be totally clear but it certainly says this is important to you.

Go back and look at Jenniferathome's letter to her wife for some ideas on topics, common questions. Then rehearse honest and clear, definitive answers. It's ok to say, I don't know, if you really don't have an answer, but don't be evasive.

And try to let her in on the fun. ask her o pick out some outfits and help you with make up.

[Jill Devine]

You are all right. I will have the talk tommrow. We are having company tonight and no plans tommrow.

Good for you :-)
Regardless of the outcome - you are doing the right thing.

[Barbra P]

And you are the mouse. Based on what you have written, she knows and she has given you several opportunities to admit that you cross dress. Prior to this episode you were merely keeping a secret from your Wife, but that has escalated to lying to your Wife. The reason you kept your cross dressing secret will probably be much easier to explain than why you are now lying to her.

Also based on what you wrote in your OP, what you were wearing when you conveniently walked in front of the camera at the precise moment when she was watching doesn’t sound much like a Halloween costume. You may think she bought your excuse, but I doubt it. I think it is obvious, based on her comments, that she knows, or very strongly suspects, and she is now playing with you.

If you keep stalling the conversation is liable to change from "You did that all by yourself... How come you have deprived me of the joy and the fun i would have had of making you look right?" to something a whole lot less pleasant like “Why do you keep lying to me?” I believe you would fare much better by not waiting for her to present another opportunity but for you to sit down with her and bare your soul.

Face the facts, it’s going to come out sooner or later – and probably much sooner than later. The continual lying is not going to help your cause. From what you have written I don’t think your cross dressing is going to be a marriage busting thing – if it were I think she would have come home in a far different mood and accused you outright. You can’t put off the inevitable forever and you just may come out of this one of the more lucky ones here – with a supporting wife. Life is ever so much nicer being able to dress knowing that your wife is OK with it rather than having to worry the whole time that she might walk in the front door and catch you.

[Ressie]

Isn't just a fetish? The way you said that sounds like it's partly a fetish. I'm probably misinterpreting.