What do you do?

[jessicamichelle]

What do you do when you just feel lonely and like you're a total failure? *sigh* :sad:

Perhaps a little background is in order. I turn 40 today on the 17th of October. I can't work because of my health, I live with my parents (also health reasons, mental health really. major depressive disorder and borderline personality. yay me lol). I can't drive because I get too distracted by everything that's going on and it can cause a panic attack. I've never dated (not for lack of trying, every girl I ever asked out essentially gave me the "I don't see you that way" speech. Which in retrospect wasn't a bad thing because I needed treatment for my problems, which I am getting)

I just feel alone right now I guess. I know there are other dressers out there (not sure if I should use ladies or what the right term is really, still learning a lot) I'm not going to do anything rash, never have been one for that no matter how bad it got. I feel like a failure as a person at times because of this.

Has anyone else felt this way? It's just particularly hard because if I was able to live with my friend in another state right now I could be more out than I can right now.

[Rachael Leigh]

It can be difficult in this life and Im not even talking about CDing. It could be you just have to focus on other things that are in your life, especially things that bring joy into your life. Music is a good way for that. I pray when I'm down too.

[Kate Simmons]

Don't try to do too much at once Hon. Concentrate on your health first and go from there. We are always here to talk to in any case.:)

[Beverley Sims]

Jessica, we all feel down from time to time, if you wish to air your feelings there are a number of sympathetic folks who will read what you have to say.
It seems you are getting help and that is a good thing.
Remember someone will always help you along the way somewhere.
Cheer up and give us a smile. :)

Always remind yourself...."You are not a failure."

[mariehart]

Oh yes, I feel like that often even though I'm now slightly successful and even respected in some situations.

But when I turned forty, I too lived with my Mother, never moved out. Career ambitions fell apart and I was in a low paid, low status job, hardly any money, never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend for that matter, never dated anyone. I didn't go out, didn't have any real friends. Just stayed in my room a lot.

I was a complete failure in a way that you are definitely not. I didn't have mental health issues. My failure was self inflicted. You have to deal with issues that I never did and that doesn't make you failure. Unlucky maybe.

It's probably easy to say it gets better. But in fact it often does. If you can accept the life dealt you a bad deal and make the best of it.

The one thing about crossdressing is that it seems to make us feel better about ourselves for the time we do it. I was pretty miserable this morning and didn't even feel like dressing but I did anyway and it lightened the mood straight away. All the more reason to do it.

[melanie206]

Seriously consider starting to exercise every day. Go for a walk. The benefits are many for both mind and body. Get out in some way, doesn't have to be en femme.

[Sissy_Michelle]

Melanie couldn't be more correct. When I was Active duty we did organized PT (Physical Training), all the complaining and moaning and groaning we got it done. So when I was in a position to try something I did. I gave them a survey to fill out one afternoon about how they felt physically and mentally. Then gave them the rope, here you go, one month of PT on your own, just be here at work at 0900. After 30 days I gave them the same survey then posted the results in comparison. All of them felt better and more motivated while doing Organized PT than when left on their own. Energy levels were better and even though they had complained, their motivation level was much higher. Then I posted the schedule for the next APFT and then the negativity really shot up. But we all learned a lesson within those two months.

Do some physical exercise whether it is organized yoga class or a "Bootcamp" extreme group. Try not to focus on everything around you but the instructor. Focus on him or her, whatever they do you do as best you can. Be nice to those around you and help out as much as you can. BE NICE, SMILE, BE ON TIME, and most importantly DON'T QUIT. I am not suggesting to become a cover model off of 'Flex' Magazine, this is for your state of mind and health. A suitable mate will always look for confidence, health, and a provider. Many other factors are added in there but the main one is self confidence. Nothing works better and faster than physical fitness.

You can do it.
Don't quit.
And repete after me "I CAN".

[Cynthia Anne]

This may sound a little harsh but, the first thing to do is quit feeling sorry for oneself! Things may seem bad but the more you dwell on the bad the worse it will get! Replace those thoughts with good thoughts! Life is what you make it! Start enjoying life! Do what I do! And that is live each day like it is your last day! If you keep dwelling on the bad today could be your last! Happiness can last for ever if you put the effort first!
Sincerely hopping the best for you!

[linda allen]

You should seek professional help. Folks on a crossdressing website mean well and some of the suggestions are good, but we don't know you that well and we don't have the education and experience to provide the right advice for you.

Things won't get better unless you work at it with professional guidance.

[Ressie]

Depression is a hard thing to come out of, but it's such a waste of time to feel this way. Are you on medication now? I'm guessing that you've been given several different prescriptions that may or may not have helped. Depression and anxiety often go together. CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) is something you should look into. "Getting your life back" by Dr. Jesse Wright is a good book on this subject. Send me a PM if you'd like to talk.

[Chickhe]

You need to decide to get better and you need to decide to support yourself. I suffered from depression a while back and it is a long road to recover, but the real secret to getting better is that you need to do it yourself...no medication will cure you, it is your decision to change your lifestyle that is the key. Llearn to accept yourself and accept that you may be different and maybe alone. Make a list of all the things that scare you and think about what you don't want left on your bucket list on the last day of your life and then go start doing them...

[jessicamichelle]

Thank you all for responding. :) I was just really down last night for a variety of reasons and sometimes it just gets the better of me. I really appreciate the kind words and all the advice. I am getting counseling. Actually I have been for a while now and mostly it's been going pretty well. I've left a lot of my baggage about being bullied and abused in the past behind me and forgiven it. I do take three different medications and (only been on the newest one for about three-four months but it's working better than expected) but I do have bad days every now and then.

Believe it or not I do feel better about myself in a lot of ways these days. I've lost weight over the past three months (28lbs to be exact) still overweight but 247 is better than 275 :) I like who I am these days. I've got room to grow but I can get there. Last night was bad because I had some drama on another forum (where I'm not out) over a subject that's rather personal, I'm having some creative issues over something I'm trying to do and can't get any constructive help from forums dedicated to what I'm trying to do and just some other minor frustrations all added up to one big "BLAH I feel depressed situation".

I'm willing to tell my story more in depth on the right venue. Just not sure where that is lol.

[jenni_xx]

Hi Jessica

It's nice to hear that you are feeling better about yourself than you used to. That's progress right there, and you should compliment yourself on that and continue to seek out the positives and hold on to them. There will be ups and downs, we all have them, although I'm in no way trying to belittle your own battles by saying that in any way. Rather just to simply remind you that in facing troubles in life, we are rarely alone, even if we do feel completely isolated.

You say you're on other forums. Use all the forums you are on as a filtering process. Ones in which you can talk about certain areas of your life. It may be that here you can talk about a specific issue, yet on another forum who can talk about a different specific issue.

In regards to you feeling depressed, my advice (which also helped me in the past), is to embrace the feelings and go along with them. Allow yourself to go through the necessary stages - experience the ride so to speak instead of trying to fight the feelings that you are experiencing. In my experience, when I've felt really low it's been important for me not to try and deny those feelings, but face them head on and address them. Only then have I been able to pull myself through such times.

xx

[jessicamichelle]

Hi Jessica

It's nice to hear that you are feeling better about yourself than you used to. That's progress right there, and you should compliment yourself on that and continue to seek out the positives and hold on to them. There will be ups and downs, we all have them, although I'm in no way trying to belittle your own battles by saying that in any way. Rather just to simply remind you that in facing troubles in life, we are rarely alone, even if we do feel completely isolated.

You say you're on other forums. Use all the forums you are on as a filtering process. Ones in which you can talk about certain areas of your life. It may be that here you can talk about a specific issue, yet on another forum who can talk about a different specific issue.

In regards to you feeling depressed, my advice (which also helped me in the past), is to embrace the feelings and go along with them. Allow yourself to go through the necessary stages - experience the ride so to speak instead of trying to fight the feelings that you are experiencing. In my experience, when I've felt really low it's been important for me not to try and deny those feelings, but face them head on and address them. Only then have I been able to pull myself through such times.

xx

Well the forum that caused the issues I was having last night was an off topic forum on a gaming website. There was a story there where the comments got really out of hand and I lost my temper in a big way. I almost always get really depressed after I lose it because I usually feel like the lesser person for having lost my cool. I don't really want to get into the details here, but the issue was about a news story regarding an issue that I take very, very personally and it went very south very quickly. I'm going to try not to go there as often and just come here or go to another forum instead from now on. I think it'll be healthier for me in the long run. Besides here I have my sisters :)

[kimdl93]

I might add a bit of advice about limiting your time on the internet...and the computer. While your time here is very well spent :), research has shown that spending large amounts of time on the computer can be Depressing. That is, people can become depressed and those with mood disorders, such as yours, are even more susceptible.

Add to that the needless, pointless "drama" one can become involved in with what are inevitably absolute strangers.

Ultimately, besides therapy, which you should focus on, you need real life interactions with people - at home and in the community. What better way to help you practice social skills, distract yourself from depressive thoughts and cultivate personal relationships. Talk with your therapist about this.

[jenni_xx]

Take Kim up on her advice, for it is good advice - do limit your time on the internet.

I've got experience of other forums, and they can be brutal. Never been on gaming websites, but have heard about them - they are quite notorious in regards to how brutal they can be. You'll often find people who take pleasure in winding others up, so when you do post or engage in a debate about something very close to you, there will inevitably be someone who picks up on that and then makes it their mission to get you as wound up as possible. They may not agree with the view that they express - they are just expressing it in order to get a rise out of you.

My advice - unless it's on a topic-specific website such as this, where the only reason we are here is to talk about something that is important to us - don't talk about personal issues anywhere online. Especially on websites which don't focus upon that topic. Such as gaming websites. You'll never ever "win" any argument online, so the only rational, logical approach is to not get embroiled in an argument. If you do find yourself in the position where you can't resist saying something, then go ahead and say it, but then walk away and don't read any replies.

You're right though - here you do have your sisters. So spend time here instead. If you do go on gaming websites - do so for their primary function - to play games. No more, no less :)

x

[jessicamichelle]

I might add a bit of advice about limiting your time on the internet...and the computer. While your time here is very well spent :), research has shown that spending large amounts of time on the computer can be Depressing. That is, people can become depressed and those with mood disorders, such as yours, are even more susceptible.

Add to that the needless, pointless "drama" one can become involved in with what are inevitably absolute strangers.

Ultimately, besides therapy, which you should focus on, you need real life interactions with people - at home and in the community. What better way to help you practice social skills, distract yourself from depressive thoughts and cultivate personal relationships. Talk with your therapist about this.

:) I very much appreciate the kindness and love I'm feeling here ladies. Actually I do go out every Friday and Saturday night to hang out with friends and play role playing games (yeah we're a bunch of nerds). I haven't really told any of them about Jessica yet because, well, I don't really get to be out as Jessica just yet if that makes sense. (Coming here has really helped take that burden off btw.) I go to Origins and Gen Con when I can (again big nerdy geek here lol) and next year I plan on trying to go to Youmacon here in Michigan.

I want to start going back to church as well but me and the denomination where I'd have the least doctrinal issues with will never accept me showing up as Jessica. (I was raised Southern Baptist, tried several others but I everywhere I go I start asking questions about doctrine and people get mad at me or they would if I got as far as asking. Usually I leave as soon as I hear something that is a major conflict)

It's a process, I admit, and I'm working on it. Slowly mind you, but working on it.

[mariehart]

On the point of internet forums. I found they were having a depressing effect. So what I did was simply delete my accounts on most and only keep a few where I'm under my own name or special interest forums like this one. What I find is that I don't miss them at all nor do I miss the negativity inherent in many of them. I also avoid Youtube comments and comments on news items. They're a minefield of negative bombs too.