CD or TS? How does one know?

[cicigurl]

How does one know if they are just merely a crossdresser or if they are a transexual? I'm curious to know if others are struggling with this question or if perhaps it's an indicator that I am deffinately a transexual and trying to avoid it? Do some transexuals that have wives that they love that do not support transition use crossdressing to cope? Perhaps it's just a question of which is more important to me? My relationship with my wife or transitioning? I just don't want to hit old age and regret my choices.

[Lynn Marie]

From what I've observed, CDs are happy with their plumbing, not interested in hormones, and are pretty much obsessed with dressing. TS's, on the other hand, have always wanted to be girls, hate their plumbing, go crazy with hormones, and are pretty much obsessed with dressing!

[Jennifer Marie P.]

CD only do it part time and Transsexuals go all the way to be a woman.

[linda allen]

If you are seriously wondering this about yourself, I suggest counseling with a proffesional who specializes in gender issues. It's not that simple. There's no quiz that you can take to find the answer..

[MysticLady]

Who Cares. I mean, why waste time on finding a label for yourself. Just be you. Don't worry about what others think you should be. Isn't that what were up against from society, anyway?

[I Am Paula]

You mention CHOICE in the last sentence. IMO, if you feel there is a choice involved, you probably aren't TS. There is no typical TS or CD, so go with your gut.

[Kate Simmons]

There is nothing "merely" about being a crossdresser. It has a lot to do with our feelings and who we are. TS's feel they are in the wrong body, most CD's do not. You can access the TS section of the Forum. I suggest you read some of those threads to see if you have similar feelings.:)

[Karren H]

Personally I don't struggle with any of those kinds of questions.... and I'm not ready to remove any body parts.... though I am into feminization pretty deeply.. I also don't label myself.... I'm married and totally faithful so my mortals prohibit me from venturing into any kind of TSish area.... and when I get old.... older... I will have no regrets... I made my choices based on the best info at the time and enjoyed doing what I was doing for as long as it lasts... things change and shit happens... but it will not make me wish I chose a different route.....

[arbon]

If your ts most likely you'll eventually feel you have to transition even if it means losing everything, wives and all.

[MatildaJ.]

From reading these boards, it seems like transsexuals find that crossdressing helps them feel better temporarily, and then it makes them want more time as female, until they want to spend all their time female and are unhappy whenever they are male. Basically, if you are miserable, then you need to do whatever it takes to be less miserable, and that may mean transitioning.

On the other hand, if you're not miserable as a guy, then you may be able to keep crossdressing as just a "vacation" you take from your regular life.

[mary something]

does the idea of taking hrt and feminizing your body sound appealing? How about having boobs all the time even in front of your parents, coworkers, and friends? Does the idea of finally expressing what is inside you fully make you feel exhilarated and frightened at the same time? If you choose not to and to stay as a male how does that make you feel? It seems this experience can be different for each of us and the things I've written are certainly not requirements.

If you're considering transitioning you should probably consider finding a gender therapist who can listen to you and help you understand why you are feeling the way that you are.

[Angela Campbell]

Are you a woman....or a man? That is the difference. If you are a man who wonders if he is TS then likely not. If you know....really know inside....you may be. A person who cd's and likes it and it helps them feel better temporarily, and then it makes them want more time as female, until they want to spend all their time female and are unhappy whenever they are male, they are very likely NOT a transsexual. It is knowing what you are not what you want to be.

It is like Arbon said as well, knowing you may have to give up everything in your life to make things right, and feeling like you must do it anyway.

[cicigurl]

Thank you everyone for your two cents! Yes, I want HRT and complete feminization of my body. Not positive about SRS yet. But perhaps I just need to come to terms that I can't have that. I'm a genetic male and should live within that realm right? I can still be feminine without transitioning. I've been at this point before in my life and a therapist blocked me from hormones for some reason. I hated it! I wanted to start them right away. Then I turned to Buddhism and found temporary peace just accepting my physical appearance as it was. I realized that the soul is genderless and that we all end up at the same place spiritually in the end anyways, male or female. I also fell victim to gender stereo types and thought that I needed to stop doing the "manly" things that I did enjoy such as fixing things, lifting heavy things when needed, fishing, drinking beer, swearing, ect. I also don't want my father and older children to be sexually attracted to me. That scares me and makes me feel awkward and foolish. Especially since my father tends to be very derogatory towards women, sex and their bodies. I also encountered pitting and scaring during the electrolysis I started to get. I got scared that I would never look feminine enough. I'm attracted to women so that ups my odds if I stayed a man. Three years later and the whole thing hits me again. The interesting thing is that it comes at a similar time as before in that there is a lot of stress in my life. So which comes first the chicken or the egg? Does stress make me self sooth by feminizing or is my emotional net just simply overflowing now? Lastly my pregnant fiancee makes transitioning a boundary for which she can not cross with me. She doesn't want me to waste her time and I don't want to waste hers either let alone my own. I feel so guilty even bringing this stuff up right now given that she is pregnant, but we have a very emotionally open relationship and she has a super emotional radar so I can't/don't hide anything from her. I'm finding it harder and harder to mentally stay a man during sex. My mind is automatically going to female mode and I become a non-op transexual in my mind and she knows this and feels it without me even telling her even though I'm on top. Funny thing about this all is that she used to be in a serious relationship with a woman and she was the man in that relationship. But it didn't work out and she never proclaimed herself a lesbian. She is Bi with a strong lean towards men and wants to be with a man as a life long partner. Even more strange is that she wants to have a penis. So I consider myself very lucky as I'm with an amazing woman that I love and adore. I'm just not sure about living full time as a man anymore. We have yet to spend much time playing with gender roles in the bedroom. I think ordering a strap on is definitely in order! But she wants to be the feminine one in the relationship which isn't going to happen anytime soon being as pregnant as she is. I guess as I write this I'm realizing that I'm lucky to have a woman like her and that I need to just give things time and a chance for us to explore together. The answers will become apparent over time I believe.

[Beverley Sims]

Read carefully the replies here, they have been well thought out by experienced people.
The question is important for your future.
Until you get really strong feelings that interfere with relationships and life do very little but seek advice from professionals that can recommend treatment.

[thechic]

TS means Taking some large sacrifice's ,Great upheaval, but coming out happier.

[lisablack44]

As a lifelong CD who started at 8 years old, I'm 52 now, and who is married to a post op transsexual, (9 great years, and going strong) I have some real world experience on this subject.
I have always wanted to be a girl, jealous of the way they look, the way they dress, the easy...(ha! ha!) life they seem to have. I have always under dressed, and dreamed of how great it would be to just take the plunge, and be a girl 24/7.
But, being born male, I figured I would have to live as a male on the outside, and CD when I could, besides, I was the only weirdo who ever wanted to wear girls clothes?... I used to ask myself? what the hell is wrong with me?
I grew up before the internet, and there just was not the information about CDing and Transsexuals available like there is now. Then, Life got in the way, College, Babies, Careers, Businesses, nasty divorce etc... I guess she didn't like my choice of panties?. In any case, now single, kids off to college, dressing all the time except for work, (Engineer) I tell myself I'm going to meet someone who supports my dressing, and will accept me for who I am... I refuse to spend the second half of my life miserable. I met my wife online, she was Pre-op MTF TS, going thru a divorce, seeing a therapist, taking hormones,and planning on having SRS. She had a high profile,high paying job, great insurance, (They would pay for most of the SRS) She still dressed, and acted mostly male at work. When she finally set a date to start her required 1 year 24/7 living as a female test, she did talk to her HR department, and they would support her transition. Legally they had no choice. The men at her work made her life hell! The women for the most part supported her. They actually had a plant meeting where the HR department threatened to instantly terminate anyone who harassed her. This was an Automotive supplier plant in the Midwest. In any case, she survived the 1 year, finalized her divorce, and had her SRS, about 6 months later she had Breast Implants done, legal issues handled, birth Certificate changed, name, military records etc... She was now Physically, and legally a women. We could now legally be married, and move on with our lives. We decided that we wanted to have a fresh start, and sick of the cold weather, we decided to move to Florida. So here we are now, 8 years later living in Paradise, she is totally a female, and if you did not know her history, you would never guess. Consequences? Her 2 boys have disowned her, her 5 brothers and sisters have disowned her, and said that she is dead to them, her parents who are supposedly good Catholics, still call her by her male name. although they do call occasionally, and ask why she never calls them... Sometimes, I will come home from work, and see that she has been crying, and ask her what is wrong? and she will say that she talked to her mom, and that they just had a family get together, and she is crushed that she is never included. She told me a couple of month's ago that she wonders if it was worth it? Although, when I talk to her about my feelings of gender unhappiness, she says that she understands what I am going through, but that she never thinks about gender any more... she finally feels she is in the right body. The bottom line is this... you have to do what makes YOU happy. but remember there are real consequences for your choices. I think it was a Bob Segar song that said "Every form of freedom has a price"? Good Luck! Lisa

[Lorileah]

Are you a woman....or a man? That is the difference. If you are a man who wonders if he is TS then likely not. I

:yt: Just wanting hormones or certain body parts isn't the answer. There are hundreds of CDs here who would take hormones just to see how it felt and there have already been a few posts by CDs who want (or got) boobs. I say if you have to ask, you ain't

[Kimberly Kael]

There is nothing "merely" about being a crossdresser.

Truer words were never spoken. There's no particular pride or glory in being transsexual that anyone shouldn't have in being true to themselves in whatever form that takes. When I attended my first getaway aimed at CDers I vividly remember attending a lunch where one of the other attendees asked if I was going to transition, or if I was "just" a crossdresser. I was thoroughly annoyed by her attitude which, if anything, may have put off my eventual realization that I was indeed transsexual. I didn't want to buy into her elitist brand of snobbery.

I'm also not entirely convinced about the notion that TS individuals have zero choice. There's doubtless some truth in it for those whose gender dysphoria is severe, but even then there's the choice of how and when to go about their transition. In my case I have a very clear female identity but I only felt like my path was clear once I weighed the pros and cons and came to the conclusion that I'd clearly be happier living openly as a woman instead of keeping that knowledge to myself. I might very well have waited until I was closer to retirement if social conditions hadn't changed as they did over the past twenty years.

There's no definitive test or list of characteristics that make a crossdresser, a transsexual any more than there is for a man, a woman, or any of the other categories we like to impose on humanity. Most of the CDers I've met seem to "saturate" on time spent en femme and enjoy returning to their male role ... but not all. Similarly, some of the TS women I know describe their transition as the only way they could go on living, or knew from a very early age, but neither is completely universal. The important thing to recognize is that there's a huge difference between the fantasy and reality of social and medical transition. If the risk and hardship of permanently upending your life still seems like a good thing on balance and with due deliberation, you may be transsexual.

[Kate Simmons]

As Kimberly expressed, getting to know yourself and what makes you happy are the real guidelines. I heard of many a TS that later regretted doing the transition as they still felt they didn't fit in anywhere. I originally planned on transitioning after the Army as I thought that was my only option at the time. One family later, I learned I could still express my feminine feelings and remain a man. You have to be totally honest with yourself regardless of what you eventually decide to do, however. Good luck in your journey my friend.:)

[MatildaJ.]

Yes, I want HRT and complete feminization of my body....I don't want my father and older children to be sexually attracted to me. That scares me and makes me feel awkward and foolish. ....She wants to be the feminine one in the relationship which isn't going to happen anytime soon being as pregnant as she is.

There are a lot of things going on here, and I think it sounds like you would benefit from more sessions with an experienced gender therapist. Your last line about how your wife isn't feminine because she's pregnant was very offensive to me. It's one thing to assess what you feel like inside; that doesn't mean you get to judge other people (whether genetic women or transwomen) as inferior.

And why are you thinking about your father being attracted to you? Do you think all fathers are sexually attracted to their daughters? That sounds like another issue for you to bring up with your therapist.

[arbon]

TS means Taking some large sacrifice's ,Great upheaval, but coming out happier.

Unless they weren't TS to start with then its lose lose.

[cicigurl]

I didn't word that correctly she told me she doesn't feel very feminine. She feels like a fat cow.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Its funny how so many responses come from people in the TS Forum

there is nothing "merely" about being a cd... from a perspective of genetically having a male body, ts and cd share the behavior of breaking the "rules" of gender...
apart from messing with those rules, the lives we lead are totally different.

Also
This statement is NOT true
.."if you have to ask you aint" I am living proof of this.. happily transitioned and questioning all the way...

In fact, i'd say in my personal experience its the opposite.... If you are really really really truly asking yourself this, then you "is".... lots of cd's fantasize about it..but there is no serious consideration given to spending what can be $100'000s, spend an enormous amount of time going back and forth to very painful electrolysis(I know some cd's do this too of course!), suffering physical pain, and of course potentially giving up everything in their lives "merely" to transition..

see what i'm saying...if you are approaching this from the perspective of how wonderful it would be, how special you'd feel, and how much you'd enjoy being treated as a woman...that smells a lot like a form of cd'ing...
if you are starting to worry about your job, looking at your finances, suffering through thoughts about your family(parents/kids/lovers) and friends and how to deal with them...that smells a lot like what ts people go through

Cici, the best thing you wrote in all your posts was about how your nature will become apparent in time... this is so true... and so your short term best quality of life is to enjoy it...dress more, express yourself more, explore your options...
in this way, you can gather information and more perspectives from others...you can't ignore what other people think!!! they have valuable information for you...

If you take it day by day, at some point, you can step back and think more about your nature...its a very deep, difficult and existential concept

...and you are best served to have all the information available before you go digging around inside your head

...from the TS side I hope you figure it out and I hope you aren't TS
...it's much trickier to have a decent quality of life

[robindee36]

Who Cares. I mean, why waste time on finding a label for yourself. Just be you. Don't worry about what others think you should be. Isn't that what were up against from society, anyway?

A rare convergence of thinking, but I agree with Victoria on this. So much wasted time and effort, so many sad and sorry feelings when we try to find a box to fit into. If you get enjoyment from dressing, then go forth and dress for goodness sake. Why the heck would we want to do this thing we do if we didn't enjoy it?

There are enough other folks out there who will provide the labels and little boxes for us. No need to worry about this ourselves.

Personal rule number one for dressing....HAVE FUN WITH IT.

Hugs (you too Victoria ;), Robin

[kimdl93]

This comes up all the time. In truth, some people know from birth that they are inhabiting a body with the wrong external genitalia, and are most certainly transsexual. Some people really just like the clothes and presenting the illusion occasionally of being a woman. But your question suggests a CD/TS binary. It isn't....try to imagine CD and TS as two poles on a broad and diverse spectrum of behaviors and gender identifications. Also, one's place on that spectrum may change over time - either because you gradually learn more about yourself, quit repressing, or discover and enjoy new possibilities.

Of course people struggle with the question - not necessarily because they are one or the other, but because they haven't become fully informed on the meaning of the terms and haven't peeled away the layers of self doubt, confusion and denial that make it difficult to discern one's own nature.

[Kathryn Martin]

Very nice question, a lot of wrong answers. Struggling with this question does not mark you as a transsexual. Many gender variant persons can feel a significant intensity to present full time as a woman. Almost all of them are fine being men but want to present differently, and this desire can be very strong to the point that they will transition but usually keep their male reproductive organs. Transsexuals are born as transsexual and they seek to be either women or men depending on how their brain is organized (but always not congruent with their bodies). They experience their bodies as defective, like a birth defect and will in all circumstances seek to correct this defect and move on living in their correct sex.

Transsexuals by and large do not re-transition. Research into outcomes has shown that 80% of those that transitioned are happy with their lives and simply move on being who they are.

Re-transitioning occurs mostly with gender variant persons who are high on the intensity scale but are not transsexual. Sometimes they actually seek surgery but regret it later. The cases are few and far between.

Transsexualism is not a choice. Transsexuals would give almost anything to not be who they were born as. It is a medical congenital condition that requires to be properly diagnosed.

[ReineD]

Different people use the same labels (see mostly #3) , so here is a description of the various individuals in our community rather than focusing on what to call them:

1. The Transsexuals:
Transsexual means just that: you want to change (cross/trans) your sexual anatomy because you do not feel that it belongs there. Not every TS is able to have SRS however … some are older and have medical issues that prevent the operation while others genuinely have financial constraints. But, these TSs see thier penises as useless appendages. A transsexual knows that she is female. She doesn't wonder about it.

2. The Gender Fluids
On the other hand, the gender-fluids who call themselves crossdressers (or any of the other labels: genderqueer, gender-variant, gender-non-conforming, etc) do not want to change their genitals. However, some CDs (and In-Betweenies or whatever name you wish to call people who question their gender identities or who are happy being in the middle) do want hormones and breasts even if they don't dress full-time, while others don't want hormones and breasts but want to dress every day, all day. This is common after retirement if the [which ever label you want to assign] is free to do so and is either single or has a cooperative wife.

3. The People Who Do Not Fit Either Of The Above:
And then there are the people who are difficult to classify: they would live every day as a woman if they could, they do want breasts, they do want to feminize as much as possible, many are on HRT and have taken steps to get rid of facial hair, but they don't want SRS (they do not have medical or financial constraints). There is a lot of debate as to whether this group of people are transsexual or not, since they do not want to change their genitals. Some of the people in this group are proud to call themselves transsexual as opposed to calling themselves a woman, the way that Transsexuals identify once they have SRS.

(I'm trying to be as PC as possible here :p)

4. The Classic Crossdresser
And of course there are the classic crossdressers who do identify as men and who have no wish to dress full-time, get hormones, have breasts, etc … even though they may have fun fantasizing about it. Some CDers fantasize intensely about this (while in Pink Fogs) to the point where they also wonder about their gender identities.

[kimdl93]

Good answer, Reine!

[Tina_gm]

I can't say that I have ever questioned myself all that much.... But I have seen a gender counselor and he was able to pretty quickly determine that I was not TS. The biggest thing on his list was that for me, its not hating being a guy. So for me, liking to be dressed or even having a feminine side that is more than just dressing in clothes, I do not hate being a guy, find enjoyment actually a lot of the time as being one. Sure, in a perfect world I would dress more or allow my feminine side to be more prevalent, but I do not hate being a guy, don't desire to change that aspect of me. Its adding or allowing the feminine side. If for you it is not a matter of hating what you were born with then no you are likely not TS.

[ReineD]

It's just amazing the number of members who question whether they are TS or not, once they move beyond just the clothes. It's been my observation that many (most?) crossdressers, providing they have life circumstances that permit this, will escalate and they will dress because they either feel feminine at times, or for comfort, or for other reasons that might be construed as identity reasons, as opposed to having it be purely sexual.

I think it's just hard for most people to see themselves as not being either/or male/female, but someplace that is outside of the gender binary. Instead, the minute that a CDer moves beyond the clothes s/he thinks that s/he must then be TS!

[cicigurl]

There are a lot of things going on here, and I think it sounds like you would benefit from more sessions with an experienced gender therapist. Your last line about how your wife isn't feminine because she's pregnant was very offensive to me. It's one thing to assess what you feel like inside; that doesn't mean you get to judge other people (whether genetic women or transwomen) as inferior.

And why are you thinking about your father being attracted to you? Do you think all fathers are sexually attracted to their daughters? That sounds like another issue for you to bring up with your therapist.

This is more of the fact that I know my father well and since I wasn't raise a female the normal phycological things didn't happen. What else are you suggesting?

[ReineD]

Cici, I responded earlier just after reading your first post and not the rest of the thread. I've read your other post and I think there is a lot of sexual fantasy in your life, especially if the need to be female comes up when you're under stress. Judging by the posts that I've read in the TS section, wanting to transition is a lot more than a desire to be a woman in the bedroom. This is only an opinion though, and I caution you to take it with a grain of salt.

You should see another gender therapist. Things do change over the years, even the training available for gender therapists.

[Michelle789]

Cici, welcome to the forum :) I would definitely go and see a therapist to help you sort out your gender issues. In my book, CD and TS are degrees of gender dysphoria, where a CD has a milder case and a TS a more serious case. I asked a similar question last month and got similar answers, only you know for sure and a gender therapist can help you sort that out. And do see a gender specialist, since regular therapists have no clue about gender.

One last thing, I don't like the words "merely" or "just" a crossdresser. Being a CD is a real part of who many of us are, and is real. TS is more extreme and requires changing the body and legal identity. There are also other in between identities too, such as gender queer, bigender, gender fluid, and others. I wish you the best on your journey. No one is "just" or "merely" anything, you are who you are.


Three years later and the whole thing hits me again. The interesting thing is that it comes at a similar time as before in that there is a lot of stress in my life. So which comes first the chicken or the egg? Does stress make me self sooth by feminizing or is my emotional net just simply overflowing now?

I think we show our true colors when we're under stress. If you're experiencing gender dysphoria under times of stress, that may be very well revealing something about yourself. I'm not gonna say that proves you're TS, but something is definitely going on with gender. I hope you find the answers and take the right path for you.

[Allesandra Rhodes]

I am neither. I live in that in between realm missed here. Transgender. It goes far beyond the clothes for me, yet I was not born knowing all of this. As I did learn who and what I was, I also found I am not totally TS either, in that I would never risk all or die trying to become what I believe I should be. It's not easy at all. I don't fit in the CD or TS world. I can relate to both although that confuses people. So I'm that third label. There's not an hour that goes by that I don't think about it. But this is what I am and I'm doing the my best to achieve simple happiness. All I really want to have is peace

[FoxxxyBri]

When i was new to the whole thing I was told by another girl not to even bother with defining it. Just go ahead and say TS. BUt really there is no definition. When its all said and done you're just YOU.

[ReineD]

I can relate to both although that confuses people. So I'm that third label. There's not an hour that goes by that I don't think about it. But this is what I am and I'm doing the my best to achieve simple happiness. All I really want to have is peace

Allessandra, honestly I think there are tons of members who call themselves crossdressers, but who consider themselves gender fluid like you. You're not alone! :)

[Badtranny]

I don't think being a CD is anywhere close to being a TS. It's not a progression from one to the other and I don't even think it's two sides of the same coin.

Being a MtF TS is like being stuck inside a man-suit and doing your best to fit in. CD's want to dress up and pretend to be women, when TS's just want to stop pretending to be a dude. That's about as simple as I can describe my experience.

Personally I think anyone who adopts a female persona on the internet, much less wears women's clothes is definitely having some kind of gender issue. Hell, we might ALL be TS as far as I know. Why would somebody dress up and call themselves Marsha otherwise?

I was born this way because my earliest memories are of wanting to be a girl but I can tell you honestly that I did not NEED to transition. I could have kept right on bumping along as a kind of odd dude, and never knowing true happiness, but still I would have been fine. I made it 42 years, so I could have made it another 42 if necessary. I was born with these feelings but I CHOSE to transition just as sure as I chose to have all the feminizing surgeries. It was the best decision of my life, even though it took a will of steel to get through many of the early days. Walking into a construction meeting when EVERYONE knows who I used to be. You couldn't intimidate me with a stick of dynamite after a year of that experience.

How do you know if you're TS? You just do. How do you know if you're right handed?

[NathalieX66]

A TS says "i'm a girl"

A CD says "I like to dress like a girl"

I have been fortunate to have met both, and made friends with both.

Me, I am known in the transgender world as gender fluid, I express both genders. That's a wonderful place for me. My TS friends don't feel the same way. They are one gender only....and it wasn't the one they were born as.

[DebbieL]

That is the $1 million dollar question. It seems so trite to say very simply "A cross-dresser is someone who wants to be a man, but likes to be a girl once in a while, while a transsexual is someone who wants to be a girl all the time, a girl trapped in a boy's body".

The problem is that it's never really that simple. I knew that I wasn't a typical boy at a very young age. I preferred to play with girls, do what girls do, and didn't like playing with boy, but I had no CLUE what a transsexual was - because I was only 3 years old at the time. I didn't even know this was a problem until I was in first grade and moved to a new school where, after several weeks of playing with the girls all the time, the teacher told me I had to stop playing with the girls and play with the boys instead.

At that point in my life, I'd only dressed up as a girl a few times, and while I enjoyed it, it wasn't a big deal, except that we all had fun doing it.

When I was no longer allowed to pay with girls, and the boys began to attack me violently for being a sissy, I isolated. I turned to reading books, and read a lot of non-fiction. But because I got lonely, I liked to dress like a girl when I could. Of course, as a 5 year old kid, I still believed in magic, in God, and wishes being granted. I always wished to be turned into a girl. I'd try every superstition and prayer I knew of, or heard of. Wishing on a star, prayers repeated, fasting and prayer, even the thanksgiving wishbone. When none of that worked, I lost my faith in practically anything. I still believed there was a God, but he didn't have enough power to turn me into a girl, so he had limitations. He also couldn't take away the desire for me to be a girl either. I even tried to wish that I could enjoy being a boy, and that didn't work either.

When my father gave me the "Birds and Bees" lecture, he had to explain why I didn't have testes - and said they were up inside my body, like ovaries - which gave me some hope.

When the testes dropped down, I was so sad, I wanted to die. When my body started changing, and I started growing hair, I got even more depressed. When I found out that I had a low bass singing voice, I got suicidal, turning to drugs and booze and trying to overdose and combine until I would go into black-outs. I saw therapists, including a psychologist, group therapy, and a therapist. Each time I got up the courage to tell them I wanted to be a girl, they shut me down, telling me I couldn't talk about it, and that terrible things would happen if I did. In those days, the "treatment" for transsexuals in most of the United States was a Lobotomy, but I didn't know that.

When I was condemned to a male body that couldn't be transformed into a girl (I didn't know it would still have been possible, but not likely). I got even more depressed and suicidal. I tried to accept the situation and hoped that when I started having sex with women, that would be enough to take away the feelings I was having. Instead, I found myself focusing on my partner's pleasure and unable to allow a partner to please me. I was too ticklish or sensitive to enjoy it. Relationships were few and far between, and when my secret was learned, the relationship usually ended.

I finally told one girl and she seemed to accept, so I married her. I hoped that having sex and a female partner would be enough. Instead, she became more masculine, and stopped wanting sex and didn't like the dressing. Secretly, I still wanted to transition, but I had no clue who I needed to talk to. It was only when the marriage was on the rocks and we went to a therapist to try and save it, that I was correctly diagnosed as transsexual. The marriage ended and I want to a gender councilor for transition counseling. He gave me homework assignments and we talked about the result. He told me that if I got to where I was living 128 (hours/week) as a girl, he would recommend hormones. During the transition, I lost over 120 lbs, dropping back to around 155 lbs. I would dance several hours a week for exercise. I had quit smoking, I went to more AA and NA meetings as Debbie, I developed a very positive attitude, and became an outstanding performer at work.

One of the problems for transsexuals is that transition has some horrendous consequences. Many of us have lost one or more parents, wives, children, child support, jobs, and have had to leave our family churches - because we were finally honest about who we were - and people couldn't accept it. In my case, my father couldn't accept Debbie, my ex-wife threatened to have ALL visitation revoked, but I'd still have to pay child support. I lost a job, had to move to a new city (twice), and had to change practically everything else. The clincher was when I was offered a chance to become a national leader, but had to stop dressing. Even though I knew I was transsexual and living a man meant living a lie every waking moment, I tried to give up the path of transition.

As a result, the conflict began to literally wreck my body physically. I had severe back-aches, was hungry all the time, seemed to be tired all the time. I gained even more weight, eventually doubling my weight eventually reaching over 340 lbs. I became very lethargic. I had headaches. Even with lots of effort, Atkins, then Weight Watchers, and so on, I was still only able to drop to 275. Eventually I suffered a heart attack, and a stroke. In both cases, I signed a DNR Advanced directive, hoping I'd just die on the table. I had another heart attack a few years later and even cored in the ER, but my body managed to recover - without extreme measures. There were no blockages, just a heart that had been working to hard.

I had told my second wife about being transsexual, but was so fat at the time, that I didn't think transition was an option. Eventually, I decided I wanted the good parts of being Debbie, so I started dressing in public more often, and soon after that I lost weight. I also shared about my experiences on my Facebook pages, including some pictures of me as a girl. When my dad was about to die, he told me "If I give you nothing else, I want you to be yourself, even if that means being Debbie". The rest of the week, Debbie took care of him, and he loved it. He died later that week and I spoke at his memorial service. After that, I realized that I wanted to transition. I started seeing a therapist and my health started to improve, along with my productivity, performance, and my ability to interact with others, even in "Rex Mode". I was soon living 128 again, and my wife told me she wasn't OK with me doing transition.

The crash and burn was faster than ever. Migraines, back problems, and heart problems started coming back and I would wake up and 3 AM with thought of shooting myself that kept me up until morning. By productivity tanked, and I got my worst rating ever. I reached the point where I was quietly becoming very suicidal. I even mixed up a "Prestone Cocktail" (Antifreeze and Gatorade - which would cause fatal liver and kidney damage, usually in less that 72 hours, and with no way to reverse it), but after taking a little sip, threw it out. I told my doctor how I was feeling and what I had done. She sent me to a psych ward. By the time my wife showed up, I had already come up with a recovery program, including more 12 step meetings and 12 step work, going to a gender therapist, and working through the issues required to transition. When my wife began to realize that this was really life-or-death, and I began to realize it too, I became much more serious about seeing the therapist. She realized after just a few sessions that I was MUCH happier when I was Debbie (I'd seen her as Debbie and Rex). I quickly accelerated to 128 and when I worked from home, was living 24/7 as a girl. My wife was giving me coaching on how to dress age appropriate and situation appropriate to "blend". It wasn't as much fun as wearing really sexy pretty clothes, but I quickly realized that when I took her advice, I could go ANYWHERE as a woman and wouldn't even be noticed, let alone get "clocked". Very important when you want to transition.

I'm now to the point where I'm on HRT and growing some nice breasts (38C), and now it's getting very difficult to pass as a male. I travel as Debbie (using Rex IDs with pictures that show me in long hair and make-up zoomed to hide gender indicators). I've even had TSA people do a triple take and say "there's no way you're a guy!". I had to deliberately give a "tell" so he could clock me.

I've struggled for 53 years, and I'm still struggling with barriers to transition. It's hard to call it a CHOICE, since the choice so often has such dire consequences, it's hard to imagine anyone wanting to CHOOSE all the changes, losses, and challenges of transition. On the other hand, it's quite obvious that the consequences of trying to NOT transition or DELAY transition, can be equally dire, even life threatening.

The problem is that it's very fluid across the transgender scale. There are many who are quite content to be guys most of the time and just want to dress for "Play". There are those who want to dress and be accepted as women, but still want to continue being men (often because they don't want the consequences of transition). There are those who know at a very young age what they are, but were unable or not allowed to do what is needed.

If your are just a cross-dresser, that's wonderful. If you are a transsexual, you have a hard road ahead of you, but on the other side is a wonderful new place.

Part of gender therapy is a series of exercises to see where you really are. This is one of the reasons that candidates in therapy have to get Real Life Experience (RLE) , and the therapist needs to monitor behavior and state of mind. Some people, long before they get to 128 levels of RLE, will realize that they don't like the hassle of putting on make-up, fixing hair, wearing foundation garments, and wearing the women's clothes every single day. They may even find themselves not wanting to transition. Others actually THRIVE on these same things, and often experience freedom and self expression - and authenticity - FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THEIR LIVES! For them, they begin to see their time as males as "under-cover" or "Stealth mode", and begin to push themselves. They can't wait for the day when they can start going to work as women.

More answer than you wanted? GOOD!

[MatildaJ.]

This is more of the fact that I know my father well and since I wasn't raise a female the normal phycological things didn't happen. What else are you suggesting?

Thank you for explaining. As far as your wife feeling like a fat cow, have you tried reassuring her that she looks great, like a beautiful earth goddess or something? My husband acted like he was super attracted to me when I was pregnant, and that really strengthened our relationship.

[sandra-leigh]

Some people, long before they get to 128 levels of RLE, will realize that they don't like the hassle of putting on make-up, fixing hair, wearing foundation garments, and wearing the women's clothes every single day.

Those are not what make someone female or even recognized as female (though they might help.)

Melissa wrote "CD's want to dress up and pretend to be women, when TS's just want to stop pretending to be a dude." I find that to be a lot more relevant. Notice it does not say anything about makeup or hair or foundation garments.

I do know women who do not bother with the sort of external appearance factors that were mentioned. That doesn't make them non-women.

My transition is about what is inside me, not about how good I look to the outside. If I were given a magic potion / ultra-tech treatment to become a wiz at makeup, I still wouldn't be able to cover over the internal holes. What I really need now has little to do with externals: what I really need now is the certainty that transition is the right thing for me to do. Parts of me already know it, but other parts of me say keep saying that I can keep struggling through day after day and someday will change. "You can survive until lunch. After lunch, you can get through until 2pm and then you can sleep to get you through until evening. Things are unsettled, you can hold off on doing a name change..." To know would be a far better gift to me than a lifetime supply of foundation garments.

[mariehart]

Some interesting and revealing answers. I considered myself a CD or TV for much of my life. I wrestled with it of course but I knew for sure I wasn't TS because I believed I met few of the often clichéd requirements for being a TS some of which are trotted out on this forum as if they were golden rules. I came to this conclusion in the pre internet days when the only source of knowledge were help pages of magazines, tabloid headlines and the occasional TV programme, no pun intended.

So I couldn't be TS. Except that I am. Basically I ignored or explained away any clue that I was TS because stuff like that didn't happen to people like me and in any case there was nothing I could do about it growing up in seventies Ireland.

When I finally accepted it. I knew I could never go through with transition. You see I don't have the strength of character of others. This of course is another clue that I'm not really TS. It's ironic to see the almost macho pride that some transitioners display about their ordeal. I wasn't prepared to give up what little I had, good, bad or indifferent to pursue that goal. I'm not a survivor. I barely cope with life as it is. When it comes to sink or swim. I always sink.

So there are no black and white answers to this question. My suggestion to the OP is to step back a bit from the situation right now. The second post was a wall o text which implies it has all become rather intense right now. Any decision made in this atmosphere is bound to be wrong.

So how do you know you're TS? Well for me I just came to know it. It's not about clothes or how you dress or whether you're married or not or if you are attracted to men, women or both. Or whether you look or act feminine or cry easily or not. You don't feel like a woman. You just are, even when you look at your body in the mirror and see a man. In the end it's as simple as that.

[sometimes_miss]

I think a lot of people have a great deal of difficulty because they feel the need to be completely, and ONLY, one thing. One good example, is sexuality. Most people are heterosexuals. Some are homosexuals. And in the middle, are people who are attracted to, and turned on, by both. Now, most would think that means three different types. But that's not correct either; for there will be some who are attracted to same sex that appear the opposite sex, and some who are attracted to same sex but remain appearing and acting like the same sex, and you have the reverse as well.

As an example, there seem to be a much larger percentage of bisexual women out there who are only interested in feminine women, and masculine men. But not masculine women, or feminine men; a concept that lots of us CD'ers unfortunately have to face.

So, you don't have to be EITHER TS or CD. You can be a little of one, and more of the other. I live with this; I have some TS feelings, yet am not completely TS. And the TS part was mostly expressed by crossdressing and behaving in a stereotypical female manner, as well as seeking out activities and experiences that are most specific to females, while avoiding the same of males, all in an effort to make my mind feel congruent with my body by using visual, tactile and other sensory feedback to reinforce what I needed to experience in order to oh, 'feel comfortable in my own skin' for lack of a fancier way of putting it.