Serious thoughts about my situation

[Megan72]

Forgive me, I know that this has been covered in previouse threads, but as we know each persons situation is unique to them. My life's recent events have made me seriously question everything. I won't bore you all with the minutia but to be brief my father passed away at the beginning of September, I found out when he passed that he was transgendered and contemplating transition himself.

Since his passing, I have given a great of thought to my own gender, things come up in my head like is it hereditary? Did I secretly know from my infancy? Etc. I will most likely not find those answers till I meet our maker. As with most here I have struggled with this off and on with varying degrees of intensity the idea that I was born incorrectly and should have been female rather than male. I have run the gamit of crossdressing to severe overcompensating my male side. I have suffered depression anxiety, anger, and grief over this thing for a long time. My self esteem has never been overly good but is a bit better when expressing my softer side.

Over the last couple of weeks I have spoken to friends that know about me and they are very supportive. They have told me that they thought since they knew, that I was much more than just a crossdresser. I guess I was hiding this from myself more than them. I have recently been considering aspects of my life that I have always been able to just brush off, one of these things is the fact that I have been in the past and am becoming more attracted to men:eek: Not that I am not still attracted to women, but recently I am finding that I look at both men and women in a more longingly way, not just simply "oh he is dressed nice." type of thing. I have also begun to resent my bits down there. I don't like the person in the mirror and find that the image hard to look at.

To be very honest this scares the crap out of me, it's very new and very unknown to me. I have found myself feeling trapped in a life that is not right and that I should up and walk from everything and start over, a reset if you will. Job is easy because I work for myself. It's the rest of the world that is less accommodating.

I have been a member here for a long time and have always valued the support I have received from everyone. I have tried to go to groups but I have a hard time finding one that I can deal with. I really struggle with the "flaming" in your face behavior I see all to often from some people. I really would prefer a more professional group rather then the "I am a tranny, in your face" kind of stuff. I really just want to be a woman and move through life in a very unassuming way.

I apologies for this posts length, I am kind of ranting. I am hoping to maybe get some support and guidance on these issues that I am struggling with. Thanks for everyone's support over the years!

Megan

[Rianna Humble]

I'm sorry to read about you losing your dad, it is never easy to lose a parent :hugs:

What a discovery to make at that stage too. Shame you didn't have more time to share those aspects of each other.

At the risk of sounding flippant, I'm glad this scares you - if it didn't I would be worried about you.

I can't really comment on the being attracted to men part because I have no experience of that, but I know other regulars do have so hopefully they will contribute something soon.

BTW, rant away! It's good to let off steam every now and then as Anne2345 can attest.

[AlexisWest]

Megan, sorry to hear of your father's passing. I too learned of my dad's cd/tg life after he passed away. He was a closeted cd, so I empathize with your struggles. Looks like we have a lot in common. Hang in there girl, it will get better.

AJ

[Megan72]

I'm sorry to read about you losing your dad, it is never easy to lose a parent :hugs:

What a discovery to make at that stage too. Shame you didn't have more time to share those aspects of each other.
.

It has been kind of a roller coaster. I felt pretty mad that he was never able to share that with me, but then again I was never able to share Megan with him so oh well. I posted a longer version in the loved ones section but the short is he was traveling the Pacific Northwest as Karen his alter. The trip was a month long road trip visiting all of the western national parks and the Pacific Coast highway from Canada to Mexico. Part of the trip was to stop in San Fransisco to visit an Aunt of mine, and to come out to her, along with get guidance from her on how to come out to rest of the family...me my sister his wife etc.

I have his computer and iPad, which I am on now, there was running blog on another site of his travels and the struggles he had gone through as a child wit this whole thing. That story made so sad... Karen really was pretty and she looked a lot like my memories of my grandmother.

Anyways, I ended up having to take the brunt of the information to make sure that his memory is preserved as people knew him. The passing really was not pretty so I have had to lie to my family to make them feel better while I know all the truths. It's a bit much to deal with but necessary for my family.


Megan, sorry to hear of your father's passing. I too learned of my dad's cd/tg life after he passed away. He was a closeted cd, so I empathize with your struggles. Looks like we have a lot in common. Hang in there girl, it will get better.

AJ
Alexis, thank you so much! It sounds like there is much in common. I am hanging in there, the whole thing has given me pause to think and reflect on what it is I really want out of this life.

[AlexisWest]

Glad to hear that. I'll wave as I pass by tomorrow, going to Sedalia for the Tri-Ess banquet.

AJ

[Megan72]

Oh yeah I wouldn't think that anyone would know where Sadelia was let alone have a banquet there. Lol

[Angela Campbell]

I know where it is...I used to live in Aurora

[Megan72]

I know where Buds Bar is there.

[Ariamythe]

I have been a member here for a long time and have always valued the support I have received from everyone. I have tried to go to groups but I have a hard time finding one that I can deal with. I really struggle with the "flaming" in your face behavior I see all to often from some people. I really would prefer a more professional group rather then the "I am a tranny, in your face" kind of stuff. I really just want to be a woman and move through life in a very unassuming way.
I can sympathize with this. Early in my own self-discovery I was deeply depressed, and in desperation I went to a local "trans pride" group meeting. That's exactly what the group felt like: "I'm a tranny, in your face!" and as someone just struggling to accept who they were, it was NOT the message I needed at the time. A few days later, my depression got to me and I tried to commit suicide. While I in no way blame the group for that, I wonder if finding a different group like the one I currently belong to might have helped in that dark time.

Keep looking for local support. I found in my area that there were several groups, more hidden, less vocal, usually run by therapists. Does the monthly meeting cost a little money? Sure. But the women there are like me: they just want to get on with their lives and be happy.

Hope you find some group like that soon.

[Angela Campbell]

I have been very lucky here in Florida with groups. I am a member of two. One is a very large one with over 150 members, mostly crossdressers. That one is entirely social and is a major fun time for all who attend. The other one is mostly TS and is more of a support setting and is much smaller, however the focus is usually about helping each other through this maze. Both are quite different from the other and both have been so very helpful to me. Yes there is a cost but not a large one and dinner is usually included.

Overall these two groups are invaluable to me and I have developed some really nice friendships.

[dunkelkreuz]

I have tried to go to groups but I have a hard time finding one that I can deal with. I really struggle with the "flaming" in your face behavior I see all to often from some people. I really would prefer a more professional group rather then the "I am a tranny, in your face" kind of stuff.

This is what i know of support group in RL. They are mostly hit or miss. I have been a few around, Some are more informal, some mostly fetishistic and some purely activisim. personally i found my university groups to be more of my liking. They are not trans but mostly lgbt inclusive and most of the time the conversations rarely revolve around identity or sexuality , most of the time we talk about coding, anime and MMA, though that is just my personal choice.

This is something to ponder over: just because two of us are trans or having similar life experiences doesn't necessarily imply that we will get along. Most of the trans people i have know in real life fall into two different view point, i-am-a-woman-trying-to-make-my-way and gender-is-a-social-construct-types. and in general most of us have varied opinions on these, Best bet is to find some groups who opinions are closer to yours and cherish those groups. this is how i handle my meeting any real life support as.

[Megan72]

Thanks to everyone so far for the response, sorry I must b brief but I am sitting in the Atlanta airport on a trip, peace and love to all!
Megan

[Ann Louise]

My counselor and I had a great conversation last week about my boundaries, lines in my mental sand that I've drawn around me for years, circumscribing me into "what I am." As you're likely discovering for yourself, I've personally found that every single mental line that I've had to cross in my transition, every single emotional hazard that's really invoked fear, has been a boundary that I have created and imposed upon myself with the intention of being the kind of person that I thought all the others in my life wanted me to be. My self image was not my own, it was a construction of the all the elements of what I thought I'd better be like if I was to be accepted in the eyes of all the others in my life. Friends, wives and family, even complete strangers on the sidewalk had figured into my erection of these lines that I shouldn't cross.

Is your fear of being attracted to men one of those lines constructed with others in mind? Are your lines concerning sexual conduct really the most formidable, or are those concerning emotional closeness, opening your heart to another, being vulnerable, more on target here? After all, sex is fun, right? LOL So what if you had sex with a male, a female, or maybe two or three of whatever gender, all at the same time? It's behind closed doors, so whatever, no? :-)

Maybe what "scares the crap out of you" is the fear that all the others in your life, even complete strangers, would observe your emotional relationship with a male, and not approve. Hun, that's one of those self-imposed boundary lines. To the contrary, I maintain that most folks don't give a crap about what you do and who you are, and what you do with your life! Maybe a nod in your direction, a perplexed "huh?", and they're on their way with their own problems.

The disassembly of that sexual preference boundary does not imply that you're going to run right out and engage in a relationship with a man, but rather that you're simply open to all potential relationships, and that they would be based on how attractive they were, and the content of their character, rather than what equipment is in their pants.

One last thing I would add is that I have accepted that I am a woman, a transsexual woman to be sure, but none the less, a woman. I live my life as female in all respects, and after GRS late next year I am open to having sex with acceptable males. In many eyes that's cis-gendered heterosexuality, no? I personally don't care about the labels of hetero-, homo-, bi-.... pfffft. Not again!

I'm not drawing new lines in my mental sand after such pain and suffering scratching out the old ones.

All the best to you dear,

)0( Ann )0(

[Megan72]

Hi dunkelkreuz,

This is really such great advice, thank you so much. I really feel that I fall into the I am a woman just trying to find/make my way in the world. I am just in the beginning and really struggling with all of this.


Thank you so much Ann, I can certainly relate to the social v. Internal boundaries concept. I am struggling with both. I don't have a huge number of friends that I would care if they knew or not, mostly it's my own compulsions about gender itself. I do not consider myself gay, bi yes but not homosexual. But the bi part plays into my desires to be with females, not males. This is really where my ideals of my gender dysphoria came about. The idea of being with a man seems more normal to me than being with a woman, that seems like naughty playtime. I hope I am not to far off base with this idea.

Megan

[Joanna Maguire]

In my youner days I hate men and was scared of them even tought I went public in my late teen Now I am in my seveties livinf full time as a woman> I wishe I were younger and had lived as the wife of a man I have been out with several men over the years and have had affairs. Mywife accepts my living as a woman But she does not know of the men in my life I have a boyfriend at the moment who seems to love me> Life gets complicated for us girl I have considered my self as a woman for over 40yrs AND NOT JUST A GIRL I AM A MATURE WOMAN OR LADY.

[Megan72]

Thanks Joanna, I am trying to come to grips with myself and my future, which is uncertain. What I do know is that I am monogamous probably the only certain thing right now. That being said does nothing for fantasy and dreams.
I identify as female, I wish I would have the experiences that a younger woman has, but I didn't. Do what you can with what you have. So I am 40, there is still time to live and enjoy I think.

[Amanda M]

Megan you are ONLY forty. A spring chicken, really. As has been suggested, keep looking for good group supposrt - and in addition I suggest you would really benefit from talking with a good thereapist to help you clarify for yourself where you are now, and where you may ultimately want to be. Talking to someone who is not going to judge you, criticise you or direct you, but who will help you find your own way can be a blessing.

Thsiu forum is a great place, a wonderful support, but the fact is that all of the members, myself included, have an agenda which is not quite mainstream, with the result the the advice you find might well be biased! Even if it is, it will be supportive!

My best,
Amanda.

[LeaP]

I wouldn't assign too much meaning to the attitudes in support groups. They are often quite the aggregation of normal and odd people and people in all stages of transition (rarely many post-transition in my experience, though). People often come with a mix of anticipation, neediness, and fear. Then there is this aspect of asserting one's self openly, sometimes without quite knowing how to do so socially appropriately. It's like being in the Junior High School music practice room. Everyone is trying, but the music is really pretty bad.

[Megan72]

Thanks Lea,
I kinda got that feeling about some, more of a place for men to dress and be accepted v. A true group to help with the issues around the situation. I do know that there are never just one plan of attack on these things, there are multiple angles that need to be taken in order to address the problem in a wholistic way. Groups, individual therapy, pharmaceutical therapy, and self exploration are what I figure are the most common. They work best in conjunction with each other, they are not mutually exclusive.
Megan