What things do the S/O's deal and not deal well with?

[Tina_gm]

A question for all, and would be particularly interested in GG's responses.

I am sure the answers will be unique. When it comes to actual CDing and any CD related activities, what does the/your S/O's struggle with and things they do not struggle with?

When it comes to my wife, she is not a fan of long nails. I grow mine just a tad long for a guy. Not really noticeable unless it is a real close up look. Occasionally I will see a look of dissaproval, and on a few occasions she has commented about them getting long. She knows I do grow them long because I like to. We have agreed that I will not let them get seriously long. I wouldn't anyway because I do not want the attention I would receive from work friends or my kids.

My wife has made reference to me going out in public, and that she doesn't think she would ever be comfortable with it, regardless of where. At this time I don't know if I ever will be either. It is not on the horizon for me right now. She has not been able to allow herself to see me dressed. She is afraid that she will not be able to get the image from her head, that she will absolutely hate seeing it. She is also afraid that should I begin to dress in front of her it will escalate my desires to dress as I will have more time to do so and will want to dress in her presence on a constant basis.

What she is more comfortable with- is my somewhat feminine mannerisms. She is also comfortable with my leg and underarm shaving. Her only discomfort in that, is the why I do it, but doesn't mind the look or feel. She is also uncomfortable with people seeing me with my legs shaved, at least the people we know. I also happen to agree with that.

She is actually ok with me wearing her clothes. She has bought me a pair of underwear, and she got some clothes from a friend and was ok with me taking whatever she didn't want. So long as it is not an in your face kinda thing as far as leaving them out before or after I dress. She is ok with giving me time to dress, and will always call before she comes home. She knows that I dress on most occasions when I am home and she is not.

When discussions in the past have come up about whether I should continue to dress, she feels that I should because she is aware that it will be difficult for me to stop, that I would likely to become very frustrated, and... that overall now that I do, I have an overall calmer disposition. She now regularly asks my advice on clothing styles and how she looks in them.

[jenni_xx]

I hope you don't mind me replying, as my S/O is a man, but even though I'm in a gay relationship, a lot of the doubts/worries/concerns of my partner still apply to the doubts/worries/concerns that female S/O's may have.

Firstly, my husband is accepting of my dressing, but there are limits - limits which I respect. Although we experimented early on in our relationship, my husband (and in turn myself) isn't comfortable with bringing my crossdressing into the bedroom. The only aspect - ironically in regards to what you said about your wife - that isn't a concern is when I have my nails done. I actually supplement my income (I work from home in my main line of work) by providing manicures and nail extensions to clients, so it's often the case that my own nails are manicured and/or I have acryllics (and as we all know, acryllics aren't a short term thing).

My husband doesn't have a problem with me going out in public dressed. I rarely dress completely these days anyway - by completely I mean presenting fully as a female - full make-up, forms, wigs, etc. He is comfortable with me irrespective of whether I am in full male mode, or whether I am "mixing and matching". But usually when we go out together, I do dress fully as a male, much more often than I do, even partially, in women's clothes.

My mannerisms are simply a part of who I am. I'm not overtly effeminate - or camp, but I can at times come across this way. But then I always have done, so it isn't a concern or a problem for my husband. Simply because I've always been that way and thus he knows no different.

This one doesn't really relate to the subject at hand, but I'll say it anyway. He is ok with me wearing his clothes! Stating the obvious in that respect, as we are both male anyway. It doesn't apply at all, but I thought I'd say it anyway!!

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Hi Gendermutt

Things about my CD that my wife supports (or has even stated she enjoys):

* My fashion sense, and going shopping with me. She always thought I had good taste, but now she understands why and we can openly discuss fashion. She enjoys the playful banter, because she now asks routinely, "would you wear this?" She also knows that when I am traveling on business I'm not surfing porn sites, I'm browsing shoes, skirts, dresses, etc., and that I know more about styles and fashions than she does, so I have become sort of her consultant.
* Her wardrobe, shoe, boot, and lingerie collection has grown exponentially. I've told her that it isn't right that I have more heels or dresses than she does, and she agreed!
* Shaved legs, at least in cool weather when I am no longer wearing shorts. As soon as we are under the covers, her legs are all over mine. Not just because I enjoy it, but because she does too. She has stated they feel much better this way, at least part of the year. We have settled on the compromise that Oct-Apr I will have smooth legs, and hairy during summer.
* She has noticed that my libido is much stronger when I can dress, and she appreciates that we are more intimate during the times when we dress together or I dress in front of her. Our sex life has improved dramatically since I came out to her.
* She has lost longstanding inhibitions. I never knew during 12 years of marriage that she wanted to experiment . After I revealed my secret erotic fantasies, she felt comfortable telling me hers.

What she does not like, or what concerns her:
* She does not want to see me fully made up or with a wig. She said once she would help me with makeup, but later retracted that comment. So if I do that, I am on my own and it will be DADT. She understands I will get to that point one day, but I told her I wouldn't bother until I can lose enough weight to make it a semi-convincing illusion. She likes the losing weight part; in fact she laughed when she saw me in a dress, saying I looked pregnant. So we have kind of a dare thing going on; if I lose enough weight to look decent from the waist up, she may agree to seeing the "rest", because as she said, I'll also look better as a guy. I told her if I reach the weight loss goal, I will treat myself to a full makeover. She said that would be OK, but she may or may not want to see the pics. I think her curiosity will get the better of her.
* She doesn't want the kids to know. I agree, so no problem here.
* Going out in public worries her. I've never done it and don't intend to, though I told her if we were somewhere like Vegas for Halloween I might go for it, but only if I could look halfway decent
* She is afraid I will go all the way and become a TS. I don't think I'll ever be at that point. She sees some obsessive behavior in me, and she is right. I remind her this is a compulsion, not a choice. I think she is starting to understand, but she is still concerned.
* She occasionally asks me when I will have enough heels, hose and dresses. I've tried to explain that the thrill of shopping and trying on pretty new things is the same for me as for a woman, so she gets that, but it's the "waste" element that bothers her. I wear these things for a few minutes at a time, take some pics, lounge briefly, then change into a new outfit. I understand this, and she is right, but I also told her that the last thing she wants is for me to get more use out of them, because that would mean wearing them all the time or in public. I've agreed to limit purchases. Money is not an issue, and she has said this "hobby" is preferable to a gambling or substance abuse problem, so there is some rationalization in her mind. In the end, we settled on the fact that it makes me happy, which makes me a better husband and father.

Look forward to other responses!

Shibumi

[ReineD]

I am sure the answers will be unique. When it comes to actual CDing and any CD related activities, what does the/your S/O's struggle with and things they do not struggle with?

Much of my response will be in the past tense since I do not struggle with most things anymore. But the worst for me was to have surprises heaped on me: either having been told something after the fact, or only having been told if I asked a specific question.

Another issue was how much of a priority it seemed the CDing and CDing activities were for about a year and a half, or so it seemed anyway. This was a low part in our relationship when I wasn't quite sure how to let my SO know about my concerns without seeming negative, which he did say that I was.

It also took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I was sharing the women's role in our relationship. For years, my SO was getting all these pretty things that in my other relationship had been meant for me, during a time when I could not afford these things for myself. I certainly didn't want my SO to provide me with my wardrobe, and so I had a lot of mixed, heartbreaking feelings about it. I finally asked her to stop showing me all her new purchases and this helped tremendously. I'm OK with it now since my financial circumstances have changed and I've come to terms with being in a relationship that is outside the standard male/female relationship.

Currently, my SO has long hair tied at the nape and I really like it. He is in a creative field and many of his peers also have long hair. I've grown accustomed to the shaved legs and upper chest, although at first her legs felt too feminine for me sexually. I still am a bit sticky about the long nails because this is apparent to everyone all the time, but the benefits derived from my relationship with my SO are great enough to override this one little thing. If my sons should ever ask why my SO's nails are so long, I'd say that he is quirky in that he has different personal tastes than most men. I'm also OK with going out dressed. We do want to keep the CDing private from the majority of people in our lives and so we only go out in the next town over.

[jenni_xx]

Hi Shibumi

Sounds like you have a great, respectful, understanding relationship with your wife. And I find it really interesting what you wrote about how when you revealed your own fantasises, this resulted in your wife being able to reveal hers. I think that could really be a positive step forward for any relationship. Being able, and more importantly, feeling comfortable in reveal such inner thoughts.

Also you mentioning compromises - that I feel is very important, as again, it shows respect from both sides towards each other.

In regards to what your wife doesn't like, from the way you word this section of your post, it seems that you are completely understanding in regards to how far your wife is prepared to go with your crossdressing. That's a great thing on your behalf. Full respect to you for this.

One final point - you mention the thrill of shopping. I can totally relate to this. It's been the case on occasion that the thrill of shopping exceeds the thrill of actually wearing the items purchased. When I do shop, I'm completely open and don't hide that I am shopping for myself. I created a thread on this very subject a few days ago - relaying a particular shopping experience (and the reactions from the sales staff towards me) that I had last week.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Thanks for your kind comment, jenny_xx. Your situation is fascinating to me. Definitely gender-fluid, but obviously it's working, so more power to you.

[Beverley Sims]

Being blunt here, most SO's just do not like us dressing.
They seem to like a guy that looks like a guy.
It is a problem that requires a lot of tact to change their opinions.

[Stephy]

My SO finds the following difficult to deal with:
1. Shaving my legs (not allowed at this stage)
2. Wearing nail polish
3. Long nails
4. Thinned/shaped eyebrows
5. Growing my hair longer
6. The risk of our sons finding out
7. Going out dressed
8. The time spent on dressing.
9. The money spent on dressing.
10. How far I may want to take it in future

What she can deal with:
1. Underdressing (panties)
2. Being more calm/ relaxed after dressing
3. Doing more housework when I've been in female mode!
4. Seeing me dressed (in the bedroom only)
5. Going to a crossdressers support group.

[MatildaJ.]

Depends on my mood and how strong I'm feeling, and also on how much he has done recently.

He wears panties every day, and I wash them and it's all fine, except on days when I'm feeling down and then looking at his frilly panties hanging up just makes me feel worse.

Assuming I'm feeling strong, then I can handle a lot of talk in bed with him fantasizing about the girl role, especially if he hasn't dressed much recently, so the sex talk feels like a necessary release.

But if he has been dressing a lot, and especially if other things in life are stressful, then being expected to participate (by spending time with him dressed, or hearing about his purchases, or being asked to buy him presents)... it all becomes very difficult for me.

[Laura28]

Here is what my wife likes and dislikes about being married to a crossdresser. First let me say she is very supportive and does not have an issue with me enjoying it.

Likes:

Me being shaved all over, she love us both smooth
She likes that i am more relaxed when i have been dressing, and more supportive of her
She likes how i am more submissive and do all the house chores, to be honest i am a bit anal and only i can clean the house correctly LOL
She likes that i have breasts, have had gyno since a kid and with some work i am now a full B cup. I usally let my chest hair grow in the summer to hide them somewhat but now she doesnt even want me to do that anymore and i am lasering my chest.
She likes to see me in Nylons and panties
She likes shopping for me and giving me tips on how to improve
She likes the pictures i send her of me totaly dressed, wig, make up etc...with my crossdressing we have a second name she uses Jackie when we are out and will say do you think Jackie will like this dress, or will say Jackie would think that guy is hot, i think he would be perfect for Jackie, it is a fun teasing and i enjoy. When we are with friends she will even call me Jackie since i am from Boston and sound like Jack Kenndy and our friends get a kick out of it, she has been doing this for years.
She likes teasing me in public about about being underdressed but only will do that in my ear or text me lol
She likes going to Gay Bars with me in drab to see drag shows

Ok what she doesnt like

That i want to talk or text her about it all the time
She doesnt want to see me fully dressed, pictures are ok but not in person. Although she has said she will dress with me fully soon but not at home next time we are away.
She is not concerned about me wanting to transistion as she know that will never happen
She doesnt want me to go out in public in town and i dont either, but she has said it would be fun to go out some time together in Vegas one can hope. i am more afraid of that then she is as i dont feel i could ever pass
She dislikes very much when i havent dressed in some time and i get irratable lol

I am lucky she really doesnt have many things she doesnt like, she understand it is part of me and has embraced it.

[Marcelle]

My wife and I discuss everything and movement on each front is a negotiation of sorts. From the start she has never had an issue with me fully dressed (wig, clothes, lingerie, make-up) and participated in my first dressing as she did not want to be surprised by the final product. As far as hair removal, I have done this in the past (UFC fighting) so it was not a big shock when I took it up again. Regarding make-up, my wife is at a point in her life when make-up is a chore and would prefer not to do it so her take on it for me is "don't know why you would want to but enjoy". Nails and eyebrows, she is a bit hesitant but we negotiated an agreement that I would keep the brows at a level which would pass en male or en femme and nails are longer but not so long for a guy. She does not mind me going out in public but will not join me at present.

Breast forms are a sticking point as she is not ready to see me with fake boobs glued to my body. We did negotiate a bra with rice inserts so I could blend better out in public. I broached laser beard reduction but she is not willing to let that one go so beard coverage will have to suffice.

Hugs

Isha

[Dianne S]

For my wife, the sticking point is any sort of permanent or semi-permanent body alteration like pierced ears or laser hair removal. So for now at least, I have to stick to globs of beard cover and clip-on earrings. Also, when she gets down, anything about CDing upsets her so I have to back off, stop doing it for a while, and not talk about it.

[Cheryl T]

For my wife she's still a little jealous of my clothes. We were talking the other day about shoes and she was looking at a pair in the store at the time. She said she was jealous of some that I have. I told her (since we're almost the same size) to wear whatever of mine she wishes. I don't mind at all and would love to see them being appreciated and worn, be it my shoes, skirts, tops or whatever. I have more in my wardrobe than I ever dreamed I would have and it's actually a bit of a shame to have them just there and not worn.

[Tina_gm]

I hope you don't mind me replying, as my S/O is a man, but even though I'm in a gay relationship, a lot of the doubts/worries/concerns of my partner still apply to the doubts/worries/concerns that female S/O's may have.

Firstly, my husband is accepting of my dressing, but there are limits - limits which I respect. Although we experimented early on in our relationship, my husband (and in turn myself) isn't comfortable with bringing my crossdressing into the bedroom. The only aspect - ironically in regards to what you said about your wife - that isn't a concern is when I have my nails done. I actually supplement my income (I work from home in my main line of work) by providing manicures and nail extensions to clients, so it's often the case that my own nails are manicured and/or I have acryllics (and as we all know, acryllics aren't a short term thing).

My husband doesn't have a problem with me going out in public dressed. I rarely dress completely these days anyway - by completely I mean presenting fully as a female - full make-up, forms, wigs, etc. He is comfortable with me irrespective of whether I am in full male mode, or whether I am "mixing and matching". But usually when we go out together, I do dress fully as a male, much more often than I do, even partially, in women's clothes.

My mannerisms are simply a part of who I am. I'm not overtly effeminate - or camp, but I can at times come across this way. But then I always have done, so it isn't a concern or a problem for my husband. Simply because I've always been that way and thus he knows no different.

This one doesn't really relate to the subject at hand, but I'll say it anyway. He is ok with me wearing his clothes! Stating the obvious in that respect, as we are both male anyway. It doesn't apply at all, but I thought I'd say it anyway!!
Jenni, and S/O is an S/O regardless of gender, and I value your opinion as much as any, thank you. I also think it is a good barometer that even in a gay relationship, the non CD partner will still have similar concerns or feelings that a woman in a hetero relationship has. That gender and sexual attraction are not one in the same.

[Tina_gm]

Being blunt here, most SO's just do not like us dressing.
They seem to like a guy that looks like a guy.
It is a problem that requires a lot of tact to change their opinions.

I wonder if it is not so much that we should attempt to change their opinions but rather to get to a point to where they can accept or tolerate our dressing needs and any other feminine aspects of us.

[Nikki A.]

Being a widower so I guess I'm in the past tense.
My wife accepted wearing the clothes but not going all out (make-up, boobs or wigs). And of course only at home when it was just us. The only time I could go all out was on Halloween.
Pierced ears were ok, and she didn't mind (even suggested) that I have my brows waxed & trimmed but nothing too thin or fem. We did have so dichotomies but it worked for us. Her biggest fear that it would lead to more and more, maybe she had a point.

[Eryn]

It is pretty much impossible to provide a list of deal/not deal because every SO is different. Things that we may consider to be trivial may have great import to them. Some women may ogle beefcake photographs of hairless male models yet have a severe issue with their own man having a similarly smooth appearance. Some may enjoy sharing clothes, others may be put off by it, or by sharing certain items like jewelry.

The important thing is to communicate with your SO and make sure that she is comfortable with what you are doing. Her comfort zone may change with time and familiarity but it is prudent to determine what it is and act accordingly.

[cdmcconnell84]

I think that Eryn is of course exactly right that every SO is of course quite different in what does and does not bother them and that there is a broad spectrum, etc...

...but that said, I think it's fun to accumulate these lists, and it's certainly possible that one could come up with a list of the sorts of things that are a bit more or less likely to be a sticking point. So, I'll go ahead and add my own experience.

My girlfriend of 4 years (who knew I was somewhat genderfluid when we started dating but has only seen my transness become "serious" in the last 18 months or so as I've had more opportunity to explore it) reacts in the following ways to my feminine half, Caleigh. She:

Likes:
That my getting interested in makeup has actually gotten her *extremely* interested in makeup though she hadn't been much before. We're both carry Sephora cards now. :)
My long hair. My hair has always been a *bit* long, and she prefers it that way. I think she might prefer me to trim it a little at this point, but not a great deal probably.

Doesn't Care About:
My wearing any of the clothes (bras, panties, skirts, heels, etc.)
Most of my feminine mannerisms. My walk, and the way I cross my legs, etc has always been a *little* feminine and she doesn't mind it being more so.

Dislikes:
That I'm permanently getting rid of my beard. This is really the only permanent body change I guess that she's really had to deal with so far.
My feminine voice (while most everyone else I know finds it rather convincing, she knows my normal voice so well that she says she can't get past how "artificial" and *exaggeratedly* feminine it is).

And more than anything else I think it's the uncertainty of where I'll ultimately end up that bothers her. She worries about my taking HRT which I've mentioned I may at some point be interested in (especially because of permanent breast growth, sterility, etc) and more than anything she worries about what it means socially for us (her family and most of mine would likely not be supportive and she fears for my safety among a not always friendly to TGs world), and things will certainly become complicated if we have children. But on the other hand, she's been nervous about several stages of my increasing androgyny and transness in the past that now don't seem to bother her as much... At least I think so. I guess it would have been better to have *her* write it, but she's busy working hard while I goof off on the internet. ^__^

[Mssusan]

So far here's where I am:

Like
Having a willing shopping companion
Looking forward to exchanging pedicures
Making her up
Him talking about CDing. It's interesting to me
His gratitude that I am accepting and encouraging ;-)
Pink fog came and went before we met...I don't know if I would have liked him spending lots on her wardrobe on a combined budget
Some of her clothes fit me
Parading her around (we did it once and it was fun!)
Role playing; her persona is very different from his, and I get to be different too
Looking forward to having a fashion show one rainy day
The fact that I'm helping him work through years of shame and concealment; I'm helping him be his authentic self. What a rush!

Meh
Him dressing guy on top, girl on the bottom.
Body hair removal

Not so much
Voice and gestures - not genuine