Does passing/ not passing influence our desire to be in public?

[Taylor Ray]

If I am honest with myself I have to admit that I am somewhat lazy when I dress. Not in terms of wearing cool outfits that I love and feeling comfortable, but in the more subtle aspects like hair removal and makeup.

I also realize that when I don't put effort into my dressing I am more of a non-pass CD. I get the feeling that part of me doesn't want to go out in public because being non-pass has more of a potential to make others feel uncomfortable -- which I would never want to do.

Is there a correlation with being passable and one's desire to go out in public? Are there some CD's who could care less if they pass?

[Kate Simmons]

I guess that would depend on exactly what we are trying to accomplish by going out in public. I give it my best efforts but am not really concerned about "passing" per se. I go out to very few "mainstream" places, preferring to instead associate with LGBT folks who know me and appreciate me for myself.:)

[reb.femme]

To use my standard phrase, it's more about 'flying under the radar' than trying to pass.

I would prefer to go about my business, with interaction, but without hassle. IMHO, it's a case of inverse proportionality as regards presentation. The less effort I put in, the more chance I have of some idiot making life more difficult than I really require it. Not a scientific fact, but one I'm quite sure of in my own locality.

Rebecca

[dusktreader]

For me, making myself as feminine as possible before going out is important. I think a lot of times, I *don't* go out because I feel to lazy to put in all the work needed.

However, I've been doing more gender-queer looks in my day to day life, and it's fun to be able to wear some feminine clothing without worrying about shaving, makeup, tucking, etc. Of course, I live in a really socially accepting area (Portland, OR), so I know not everyone can do this as comfortably.

[Taylor Ray]

I guess that would depend on exactly what we are trying to accomplish by going out in public. I give it my best efforts but am not really concerned about "passing" per se. I go out to very few "mainstream" places, preferring to instead associate with LGBT folks who know me and appreciate me for myself.:)

Sounds very natural and organic, which I try to invoke as well.


To use my standard phrase, it's more about 'flying under the radar' than trying to pass.

I would prefer to go about my business, with interaction, but without hassle. IMHO, it's a case of inverse proportionality as regards presentation. The less effort I put in, the more chance I have of some idiot making life more difficult than I really require it. Not a scientific fact, but one I'm quite sure of in my own locality.

Rebecca

I feel the same way, in regards just wanting to go about my business. The place where I buy my wigs is a hub of people who are really into public parties and presentation. They always assume that I am afraid to participate, and never entertain the idea that I just might roll with the beat of a different drum.




For me, making myself as feminine as possible before going out is important. I think a lot of times, I *don't* go out because I feel to lazy to put in all the work needed.

However, I've been doing more gender-queer looks in my day to day life, and it's fun to be able to wear some feminine clothing without worrying about shaving, makeup, tucking, etc. Of course, I live in a really socially accepting area (Portland, OR), so I know not everyone can do this as comfortably.

I used to live in Portland too. Are gender-queer looks something specific? Like women's clothes and a beard? Sounds cool and very integrative

[Kandy Barr]

hummm, I don't so much know about the passing aspect....At a touch over 6' in my stockings I tend to stand out in any crowd..........at a glance I may seem to be a tall girl but lets face it...not 1 in a hundred will pass 100%....So I don't worry so much about "passing". What I don't do however is go out with two days beard growth, or no make up at all, when I go out en femme I put my best effort into my appearance and try to dress as other women would for the occasion ......but that's only me, others may be comfortable with a beard and a dress and that's perfectly OK too. Remember it's your world and whatever your comfortable with is perfectly OK, as long as you can deal with the reactions.

[Maryesther M.]

From a lot of submitted pics on this forum there appears to be quite a high proportion of contributors who would 'pass' with flying colours and good luck to 'em. If I saw them in the High Street I'd not pay any particular attention to them, which means that they have succeeded.

Starting at 6'2" in bare feet with a 71 year-old dial and very thin white hair requiring clever wig camouflage I consider myself a total non-starter, so any venturing 'out' would be strictly to a dress-up party where anything goes and not too much is expected. Certainly not the High Street!

M.

[BiancaEstrella]

I stopped worrying about passing last year. My height, my appendages, my extremities, and my throat all could give me away fairly easily. I'm concerned about being presentable, positive, and happy with myself. I smile more and my self-approval reflects in more respect from others when I'm out en femme.

[Rogina B]

You can clearly see from my avatar that I "get out there and own it" . I am out usually seven days a week in the mainstream world,and enjoy "converting" people to be more receptive of the T world. All "T"s are equal when out in the world and have to be comfortable being viewed in a positive light as a "T something"..They don't need to know what is in our panties no matter the form of "T" you are!

[JamieQ]

If I am honest with myself I have to admit that I am somewhat lazy when I dress. Not in terms of wearing cool outfits that I love and feeling comfortable, but in the more subtle aspects like hair removal and makeup.

I also realize that when I don't put effort into my dressing I am more of a non-pass CD. I get the feeling that part of me doesn't want to go out in public because being non-pass has more of a potential to make others feel uncomfortable -- which I would never want to do.

Is there a correlation with being passable and one's desire to go out in public? Are there some CD's who could care less if they pass?

I am sure there is that correlation between being passable and desire to get out in public. All would prefer to pass if possible...but many can "blend". I think without the "desired" passable looks that mannerisms and how one acts can compensate enormously! Once I stopped worrying so much about it all seemed to fall in place...going out in public quickly became so easy...I think I blend good enough not to draw too much attention. I have never felt that I caused someone to feel uncomfortable...but I cannot read minds...

[Marcelle]

Hi Taylor,

I have only recently started going out publicly and my first real scrutiny trip was a recent one to a busy grocery store. Now I hold no illusion that I pass or am even remotely pretty but I think I blend (at least if nobody is really looking hard) as luckily I have a smaller frame. However a quick second look in my direction will clearly identify I am a guy in a dress.

I still try to put my best foot forward (good make-up, beard cover, clothing, mannerism) not that I think I will pass but at least blend. Still, if I am read (which happens often) I try to smile and just let life continue. I am sure some people are thinking WTF but for most they don't seem to care and just go on.

I do know this, it gets easier to be a bit more confident each time I go out .

Hugs

Isha

[Roberta Marie]

I know that I don't pass, and I don't realy try to pass. I don't dress for others, or for the comfort of others. I dress for myself and for my own comfort. There are times that I try to look my best, with makeup to hide my beard shadow, and other times when I just don't bother, looking more androginous than feminine. It depends on where I'm going, what I'm doing, and what kind of mood I'm in. I am out in public, in main stream places, quite often.

I don't have any intention to make others uncomfoortable, but the comfort level of others is not on my mind while I'm getting ready to go out or while I'm out. For the most part, the only other persons who's comfort is of concern to me are my wife and family.

[Stephanie47]

I certainly do not pass. I'm six foot even and 190 pounds. My wife tells me I am still a handsome looking guy at 66. The thinning white hair comes with the head and is easily hidden by my grey wig. I am an in-home dresser, so makeup is somewhat of a bother-too much effort for little reward. I just stay away from mirrors. I dress smartly for my tastes.

I have gone out in public. My forays have been evening strolls and several Halloweens. I did enjoy the walks with a cool breeze caressing my stocking legs or making the hem of my dress flutter. Would I like to do more? Perhaps. I see no sense in subjecting myself and family to ill will from cretins. Cross dressing is a small part of me. I have some hobbies. If I go to a venue or club for my hobbies, it would be a distraction to go in a dress.

All that being said, if I was five foot six or seven I would definitely be out there. Sometimes short people have all the fun.

[Sarah Beth]

I know if thought I were better looking when dressed I wouldn't be as hesitant to go out in public as I am. Heck if I was attractive with my makeup done as some of the pics I have seen here I would be going out all the time. So I would have to say that at least for me yes there is that correlation there

[SarahSerene]

I think my experiences are similar to Isha's. I don't expect to pass, but I work to blend, and I try to have the confidence to be an "ambassador" for my feminine self in public. To me this means putting the effort into presenting in such a way that people are (hopefully) comfortable interacting with me, even though they can tell I am male.

Example, I worn a pumpkin-colored skirt I got at Target into Dress Barn (bought while in drab by the way - SA even was cool about me trying it on). At Dress Barn I asked for help in finding a better matching top than what I had on. This was my first time to DB en femme but I tried to be friendly, make eye contact, and not take myself too seriously. They helped me a lot, and I found a top that worked perfectly. During the whole process I got a lot of compliments on the skirt (and my boots as well), and the end result looked well put together. What's my point... At the end of the exchange I got the vibe from the SA's that yeah, that's a dude but he did good and looks good!

So Taylor to your question, in my experience I am realistic about not passing, but if I can blend in such a way that I can "proudly present" then I feel really good about it. So I don't set the Pass standard for myself, but I try to achieve the "Hey, not bad!" standard. I totally get the lazy part too - sometimes before going out I feel my stress level rise not so much about going out, but about all the stuff I feel I have to do to get ready! Then once I step out the door, I have to deal with normal jitters as well as "decompressing" from the getting-ready stress too.

Sandra

[kimdl93]

Not the desire, but probably it affects the level of confidence needed to go out.

[Karren H]

I always want to look my best and if I can pass as a cute well dressed Crossdresser then I'm happy....

[jjjjohanne]

I never present female. I found it freeing to not have to "hide" like that. Everyone knows what is going on and there is nothing to figure out. I don't have the hunger to be female. I just want to wear the clothes! I have been told by one store clerk that she preferred how I did not try to impersonate a woman. Perhaps not passing is actually less offensive than almost passing...

[Lynn Marie]

Dressing well, makeup, and hair causes a transition in me. I become Lynn rather than a guy in a dress. Lynn is still tall and kind of older with big hands and a deep voice, but she's still Lynn. A classy old broad with a killer wardrobe who may pass in a crowd on occasion, but will always get attention.

[rachaelsloane]

Does passing/ not passing influence our desire to be in public?
A well timed post. I was out last night with friends and this topic came up two or three times. IMO, I do not believe I pass, but have been told otherwise, a very fine line. What I do try every time out is to present well (clothes, makeup, hair, etc.). Going out has become more about the interaction with people and less about passing or not passing. Once I'm engaged in a conversation, most of the time, I forget that I'm even dressed and enjoy the evening.
So, to answer your question I could care less.

[Bree Wagner]

Going out has become more about the interaction with people and less about passing or not passing.

I agree with this, but odds that I go out without shaving or trying to look presentable are probably zero. I don't have to be perfect, and know I never will be, to get out of the house, but it sure makes me feel better to look my best.

[Candice Mae]

For me its vulnerability, being 5'7" and 144 pounds and dropping. The thought of not being able to defend my self scares me, not that I feel that I'm gonna get attacked every where I go. Its just Candice gets a lot of attention from guys, and sometimes its really uncomfortable dealing with unwanted attention.

[Beverley Sims]

I take care to look like a lady when out in public.
Around home I do not look in mirrors that often.
So obviously I pass then.

[linda allen]

If I didn't think I could pass (at a distance) I wouldn't go out in public dressed. I have no desire to be viewed as a freak or weirdo. At 5'8" tall and 170 lb I think I'm in the upper end of the range of GGs so at least I have a chance of passing.

Of course passing is not strictly defined so while someone might pass walking through the park or down the sidewalk, that same person might not pass sitting in a restaurant and ordering a meal. I try to not put myself in situations where people get to take a long look at me or engage me in conversation.

And of course, we cannot really look at ourselves in a mirror or photographs and tell if we pass. We need outside opinions.

[MissJoanne]

To use my standard phrase, it's more about 'flying under the radar' than trying to pass.

I would prefer to go about my business, with interaction, but without hassle. IMHO, it's a case of inverse proportionality as regards presentation. The less effort I put in, the more chance I have of some idiot making life more difficult than I really require it. Not a scientific fact, but one I'm quite sure of in my own locality.

Rebecca

Rebecca, sounds like we're related:-)

For me, it's not so much a question of "passing", but more of having the complete experience. Thorough shower and shave, full makeup, everything. It's "all or nothing". And NEVER with bare legs!

[KateSpade83]

I wouldn't even bother going out if I wasn't 95% passable. I pass so well that I've used crowded women's bathrooms, fitting rooms, I've attracted men and lesbains, and a group of kids tried to make a fool of me by walking behind me and laughing at me but the people looking at them wondered what they were laughing about and then they shut up.

[Ashley_K]

I've never been out, but I don't have a wig, so that's a definite no-go for me. Like a lot of folks on here allude to, I'd say that everyone has her minimum standards, some more so than others!

~Ashley~

[ArleneRaquel]

I may pass 5-10% of the time and I go out enfemme every day and to varied locations.

[NathalieX66]

I'm pretty out & about 2 to 5 times a month. People treat me great. Hey! If I can get ma'amed on an airplane like I did last month , then all is cool, right?

That still doesn't stop the worries I get of whether I pass or don't pass. Sometimes a bad hair day, or make up that isn't right will make me feel inadequate. I've had laser & electrolysis on my beard, but patches show up once in a while, and I get very frustrated. I won't lie that even in the deepest of my self confidence, I have gotten panic attacks occasionally. I'm 5 foot six, the typical height of many women, my hair is mine, so most eyes don't bother to scan me. Yay! That's nice.

Sure, if I was transsexual and did all the magical things like hormones and surgeries, I could fly under the radar with ease, but I didn't , but I'm giddy happy to have gotten as far as I have, and that's fine with me. I don't need perfection.

[Allesandra Rhodes]

For me it does. I'd feel much more comfortable unnoticed and invisible.

[Jenniferathome]

Taylor, I want to pass. I do not want to upset the "wa" of the public. However, I am a man with a man's body. I will not pass although I do care. I try to blend in by dressing appropriately, including make up appropriate for the venue. When I go out, I do my best but passing does not inhibit me.

[KateSpade83]

For those that don't pass you're making a statement that men can wear womens clothes too so your furthering the cd cause for more acceptance! If a lot of cds didn this then people would get used to us!

[Stacy_sometimes]

I would love to pass, but it would be pretty difficult with me being over 6 feet tall. I just have to get to the point where I'm OK passing, or not and being content either way.

[Kate's at home]

There are days when I would love to pass...if only I was under 5'8" or so and under 130#'s. At my size, the only thing I have a chance of passing as might me a retired NFL quarterback. No way to fly under any radar I know of. Even with the labor intensive make up and hair, there are days when going out and actually passing would be great fun, if only...

Kate

[Majella St Gerard]

I would never leave the house if I cared if I pass or not, I don't try to appear as a woman. I do dress femm but I don't try to pass myself off as a woman, I am clearly a man in a dress/skirt, whatever. I don't really care what other people think, as long as they don't bother me. Most people won't even mention what I'm wearing, they don't want to offend.

[S. Lisa Smith]

To me, blending and passing are the same thing. I want to be "just one of the girls" and I hope I am when I go out. I try to be the woman I would be if I were born a woman, I've had voice lessons to help with that. Do I pass 100%, nope. I try real hard though...

[linda allen]

I think that's a good way to look at it - be the woman you would be if you were born a woman. That's why I don't buy the six inch heels and hooker outfits.

[Phydelia]

Not passing is a major factor for me; it's why i've only been out in public dressed when at a kink convention where i could expect people to be supportive. If i could pass i think it would become a much larger part of my life.

[Dianne S]

I would love to pass. I am amazingly lucky as far as body size goes: 5'2" and 130lb, so I think I'm very passable from a distance. Up close, however, body hair would give it away. If I shave at 8am, I have (so-called) 5 o'clock shadow by noon. :(

I've only started venturing out recently and only to a CD support group meeting, so still not really out and about in public. Like many other posters, I would not go out in public without doing my best with dressing and makeup to pass.

[Cheryl T]

My desire to venture out had nothing to do with how passable I felt I was. It was actually the reverse.
I pushed myself to be sure that I looked my best because I wanted to go out. My wife and I go out regularly and as I told her from the start, I never want to be an embarrassment when I go out. She critiques my style (and I hers) and we make sure we look our best (for each other mostly).

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Taylor, It's not that I don't think that I pass it is my wife's wish that I don't go out and that's fine with me.

[Asche]

I go out as I am. I figure, if it bothers people to see a man who fails to follow all the "man rules", it's their problem. So far, I've gotten no negative reactions -- in fact, less than I get from riding a bicycle or wearing a kilt.

I've never been able to get into the whole "passing" thing, anyway. It always comes across to me as XY-bearers (or however you define "men") who are afraid that someone is going to take their Man Card (or something somewhat more personal) away if they're caught in any way deviating from the John Wayne/Terminator/macho stud/dudebro standard, so they have to disguise it and skulk around after dark in fear that their unmanliness will get found out.

I say, to perdition with that! Most of the time, a man's unmanliness is the best part of him, anyway.

In my youth, people burned their draft cards to protest what they saw as an immoral war.
Well, I'm going to burn my Man Card in protest of what I see as the worship of an idiotic standard of men are supposed to be.
Unmanly -- and proud of it!

[NicoleScott]

No. Passing (or not) may affect action (going out or not) but those less passable still have the desire.

[Paula DAngelo]

Does passing influence my desire to be out in public, definitely not, but then I'm not dressing to be passable I'm dressing to be the person that I feel I am. Outside of work I'm dressed almost 100% of the time. Where ever I go, I try to dress appropriate so that I just appear as anyone else would. Am i passable or do I pass, I don't know, all I do know is that I've haven't heard any negative comments, or noticed any strange looks, but then I'm not going out of my way to catch any negativity. I guess what I'm trying to say is if someone has the desire to go out, passing/not passing shouldn't stop them, especially since what we see and what others see are totally different things.

[Cd Jennifer]

The desire is there wether you pass or not. I think that is what we desire the most is to be all glammed up and dressed. The attention and looks from people don't hurt either!;)

[Lexi Moralas]

I am 5'8"150 lb and I pass or blend in fairly well most of the time , A least since I stopped going out dressed like a hooker lol. But i have often been mistake as a girl in guy mode not sure why, I figure its the long hair
When I am read it usually my voice that gives me away. But I stopped worrying about passing a few years ago. I pick my outing carefully. I have no problem going to the mall but I try to go on a week day when it's a little slower and there aren't 1000 high school kids around. I just use common sense. I do get a lot of attention from guys but I wear a woman's engagement and wedding ring set that keeps most at bay or is a great way to politely end the conversation if one try's to hit on me. But at the end of the day all I'm hoping for is that no one is rude to me regardless is I pass or not.

[Taylor Ray]

Thanks for all the honest and informative posts, gals! I definitely appreciated all the POVs, which were very helpful and raised some new questions. One new question is around the idea of whether we should care if our dressing makes other, less open minded folks feel uncomfortable. Some seem to think that we should just be ourselves and let the chips fall where they may. Others, perhaps, are more careful when it comes to being out and about in their community.

[joanna4]

if I'm going to go out then I better be shaved(face/sometimes legs) and the outfits are somewhat wild and egdy just to be memorable and enjoy what I love wearing. If I look in the mirror and feel extremely satisfied or think of being passable then it makes my desire to go out even more intense.

[Tracii G]

If someones sees me and right off thinks female thats fine with me.If upon closer scrutiny they see I am not female thats fine too.
If I take time to put a few hours into my make up and really blend it all passing is easier.
Most of the time I go for light make up and head out the door.If I pass fine if I don't thats just fine too.

[*Maya*]

I would reverse the OP question and say that because of wanting or having to be out in public, it leads me to put in a conscious effort to my presentation, although the goal is not exactly to pass as I'm not sure I fully grasp that concept.
Like Tracii said, if I am perceived as female fine, if not fine as well. But its even finer when I get treated nicely even when I have obviously not been perceived as a female.