Advice greatly appreciated

[trisha_anne]

Hello girls.
I am about to become a father for the first time in April. I am very excited about this but one thing troubles me. My wife tells me that if I out in the open from the beginnig with my child then they would have no trouble with my crossdressing. But I am wondering if haveing a father that crossdresses openly around a child would harm them some how? I mean I know in the beginning they won't notice but as they get older will it effect them negitively. The last thing I want to do as a father is be the reason that my child is in therapy. What do you girls think about this? Any responses would be greatly appreciated and would help me bunches.

Incidently I have been told by doctors that my first child will be a girl. I can't wait.

[Rikki Elisabeth]

I would say that you could get away with it for about two to three years BUT once they are able to interact with other children and parents, children have a tendency to say the truth. For example, if a friend asks about their mommie, how does the child answer? If you are called daddy, how does the child respond when they see other children's daddies?

I am not saying that you should not but I think you need to examine it from the perspective of what the child will see.

[miss_sarah]

Congrats!!! :) Once my wife gets her university finished we'll be looking to branch out too. That's really all I can say, since I don't have any direct experience on the matter -- yet... but from reading the posts on it recently, there are definately two very distinct sides of the aisle on the topic... Those who say wait until the child is mature and those who prefer a more "open" atmosphere. ((EDIT: Rikki is right, you also have to weigh the consequence of this knowledge being spouted by your children at any given whim... do you REALLY want to be 100% "out" in your town?)) Again, not something my wife and I have talked about at any great length, but we are both pretty adamant about teaching our children (when we have them) to be accepting of ALL people, regardless of how far from what society considers "normal" they may appear, and you know what they say... actions speak louder than words ;)

My .02 anyway

[trisha_anne]

I am not that concearned about it being accidently mentioned by my children as I am pretty much out with the exception of my father(a situation that I intend to resolve shortly). So all I am concearned about is my childs welfare.

[Phoebe Reece]

My wife and I decided from the beginning that we did not want to keep major secrets from our kids. Our kids grew up with full knowledge of my crossdressing from the time they were born. It was never a problem for them. Our daughter is now 30 and married (her husband knows as well) and our son is 26. When they were young we did have to tell them that daddy's "hobby" was not a subject of conversation with any other people. When they were teenagers I did have to severely restrict my dressing due to their having friends drop by the house unexpectedly. I have always respected their needs and they have respected mine. Our son still lives at home and sees me coming and going dressed regularly. I'm still just "daddy", no matter how I am dressed. Things might turn out differently in another family, but in our case it worked out just fine.

[HaleyPink2000]

You don't listen to the idiots of the world. That will no way cause your child problems. The only thing it might do is cause you some explaining to their friends when He or She tells. So if you are out and about and dressing in your area. Your family and friends know. Then I would say don't hide it.
Hiding something in a family can cause things like divorce.

Haley:)

[HaleyPink2000]

I believe it would be to your best interest to come out to everyone that you have in your life. Way before the baby comes. If that is possible. That way there need be no secrets ever. I hate secrets in a HOME!

Haley:)

[Dana]

From my reading(s), I think the harm would come more from NOT telling the child from the start ~ and then they're finding out at a "vulnerable" age (spell that puberty) than it would be from being honest from the beginning!

Albiet! There WIILL be aquward moments as a consequence ~ and impossing a young child to keep a secret at such a young age ~ amounts to an ALMOST impossible task ~but this will be short lived in the total scheme of things.

In the end run, I believe that it will result in a more open~minded and accepting child, who not only has an accepting attitude ~ but an "in-different" attitude toward the subject. "Her? Oh, that's just my Dad!"

The problems arise ~ when we're not HONEST with ourselves, with out spouses, and with out family ~ most espeically our children. The deceit, the lies, etc.

NO ONE, AND I DO MEAN NO ONE ~ likes to be played a "Fool!" Mis-lead, nor taken advanatge of!

The problem with most CD at present, ~ is that those of us that were raised in the 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's etc, and to some extent even now, were forced to comform and comply with the standard accepted "norm" definition of what a man or what being masculine was! There's still alot of that going around. But, its getting better. Slowly, painfully slowly, but surely! Its the bigots and true idiots that have dominated the cultural, societial, landscape for the last 5,000 years that are forced to sit at the back of the bus ~ now!

From your post, you sound as though you at the least have an accepting and understanding spouse. I think that in so much as your particular situation that the person that you need to be listening to is ~ HER! She has in so much as stated:

This is the person you are ~ as you are ~ and as you will always be! I accept that! I own that!

I am going to be the mother of your child! This child should know HIS/HER father as I know and have come to love him! In his "totality" In his completeness!

The bottom line is ~ a child deserves coming into this world, ~ needs every break they can get! They need to love and support of both parents! Completely! Totally! Absolutely! Un-conditionally! (Except unless they begin indulging in self destructive behavior that may bring them physical, mental, or emotional harm)

I would suggest that you read "Venus Envy" from start to finished. Granted its about the trials and tribulations of a MtF TS, and her parents, but read it and reverse the roles in your mind!

I wish you the best of luck, and may God bless you and yours!

[Imogen_Mann]

There's been a few other threads about crossdressing and children, and I am a memeber of the 'keep it secret' school of thought. Kids have enough to cope with these days as it is, the added pressure of keeping a massive parental secret from thier friends, and family, is just not fair.

I'll offer you a bit of advice based on my life, take it as you will....

If, after the birth of your daughter, maybe a year or so, your wife starts to complain about your dressing, and asks you to stop dressing.... then STOP !

I didn't...


...I'm single now, and very lonely :( I know it may go against the grain around here, but I'd rather be 100% purged for good.. but still have what should be my new my family, and cosy home and wake up with someone every morning, and share the feelings of parenting... Crossdressing is nice, but lonelyness can take you to places you just dont wanna go !

That was right from the heart folks.

XX

Jayme

[kathy gg]

First congratulation!!!!!!!!!!!!


My husband and I made the decision before having our one and only to be open about this aspect of our life. I litereally talked via email and phone to two diferent therapists {who are friends} and also to about 20 different kids of tg dads. All of the ones who knew from the get go had no problems what so ever. Most of them just considered it another aspect to who their father was. Also, having a supportive spouse who has no major issues is a MUST. If there are any nagging doubts, guilts, weird feelings, or anger from the mom or dad kids pick up on it.

The 'difference' is in having a loving relationship with your wife. A marriage where both of you seem to be happy and comfortable.

Problems occur when there is no unified front.

The kids I have heard about who are having negative consequnces are the ones who were told is a shocking matter, or caught their dad dressed {without prior knowledge of him being a cd}, where masculinty and strict defined gender roles were very important, and where the wife is not happy about the husband being a cd.

Most children who always have viewed their dad as having a softer personlaity, where gender was more fluid and where a general open mindedness about the world was the norm do pretty good.

Our daughter is almsot two now and it is great just being comfortable in our home and around the people we know. All our close friends are cd's, some with kids who know, others with no children. Pretty much anyone who comes to our home on a regular basis and participates in our lives is pivy to our complete life.

I think she will ultimatly be a very open minded child who looks past many of the things that people fall short on....sexuality, gender, race, and origin. I also think those who feel they are shielding their kid from something is helping contribute to that whole things we dare not speak of in front of kids idea. I mean talking about our bodies, our reproductive systems, questions about sex and all those topics for many were taboo or never spoken of while growing up. Then that is why you have all these baby boomers totally guilted out of their minds because they were discoraged from asking questions or being curious about these subjects. SExuality and all it's offshoots are natural and there is nothing shameful in talking about masterubation or how babies are created. I dont' want her to feel any shame or guilt for being curious and alot more comfortable knowing she will hear facts from both of us.

First and foremost I want my daughter to know she can come to me for any question or anything and I wont' judge her and will give her honest answers.

Anyway, my point in this ramble is first off you and your wife have to do what you both feel is right for your lives.

I certainly have heard and still do sometimes hear negatives that we are going to warp her mind, but we live in a much more warped world than shielding her from transgenderedness. Crossdressing is so much more tame compared to war and all the voilence we see in our citys and on tv everyday. I feel more comfortable thinking someday I have to discuss menustration and feel very uncomfortable when I know I will have to tell her about Hitler and WWII.

Good luck wiht what ever you decide to do. And if there does come a time where you decide to not expose her, do it before she turns two. I can tell you right now our daughter knows exactly what a wig is! So you do have a tiny window to change your mind.

[susiej]

Trisha_anne,

I have two college age kids, and having gone through it all in the closet, I'd say, don't burden your kids with your "secret" until they have the experience to cope with it, and put it in perspective. Experiencing daddy wearing a dress will either a) be confusing, or b) could give them an unrealistic sense of what "normal" is (sorry to say, however much we'd like cd-ing to be considered "normal", it isn't -- yet).

And, there is the added difficulty of their friends. It may seem like a million years in the future, but eventually, they'll be having birthday parties, and inviting their little friends over. If you dress in front of the kids, are you *not* going to dress in front of their friends? This will require you to explain why not, and worse, enlist them to keep your secret.

Instead, you can indirectly leverage your different life experience to give them a healthy, straightforward attitude toward gender and sex, without exposing them to, um, details they don't need to know yet.

And, if you accept this philosophy, start Day One. We hear a lot about how perceptive babies are, and how they make impressions very early in life -- if you're not going to dress in front of the kids when they're older, don't do it when they're bairns.

Hugs,
Susie

[DonnaT]

There's been a few other threads about crossdressing and children, and I am a memeber of the 'keep it secret' school of thought. Kids have enough to cope with these days as it is, the added pressure of keeping a massive parental secret from thier friends, and family, is just not fair.

On the other hand, if you are open and they grow up seeing daddy dressed in a skirt, etc. they will most like consider it to be normal and might even think all men do it. Especially if you don't confuse them by telling them that "what daddy is doing isn't normal so keep it secret."

If they don't know it's a secret then why would they even bring it up in conversation with anyone. Thus the chances of them outing you are slim.

Heck, you don't see kids running around telling everyone a big secret that their mommy dresses in pants do you?

[trisha_anne]

I wish thank each and every one of you who have contributed to this question of mine. I heard views from both sides (which I hoped I would) and will consider each and every point made here. I want you all to know that I value all your advice and that you are all wonderfull people to take time to try to help me.

Thanks and Much Love
Trish.

[Imogen_Mann]

On the other hand, if you are open and they grow up seeing daddy dressed in a skirt, etc. they will most like consider it to be normal and might even think all men do it. Especially if you don't confuse them by telling them that "what daddy is doing isn't normal so keep it secret."

If they don't know it's a secret then why would they even bring it up in conversation with anyone. Thus the chances of them outing you are slim.

Heck, you don't see kids running around telling everyone a big secret that their mommy dresses in pants do you?


Maybe they will think it's normal. untill they realise whats actually going on, Kids, ESPECIALLY young teenagers realise and understand a lot more that people give them credit for. I thought my parents were 'normal' till I was about 11, then I was hit with a few home truths... and I had a really hard time at school, and socially with other kids due to my parents lifestyle.. Ok it wasn't crossdressing, it was other things... But still the shame and embarrasment I felt, and the ridicule (and then bullying) I was put through was real... And thats just for having parents with a mildly whacky lifestyle. For an eleven year old kid... the news that thier father is a crossdresser spreading through school would be a NIGHTMARE and it only takes one single innocent comment from a kid thinking it's normal.... and one kid who's got a keen edge and BINGO ! Ruined life.

I'm using the term 'normal' here to mean traditional, not suggesting we are sub-normal because we crossdress... I'm sure you all understand what I mean..

I think it's wrong to say kids will think it's normal. They will think that way for a while, yes... But not for ever. Sorry, but I'm gonna stick to my guns and say NO ! Dont tell 'em.

I'm not gonna dictate, or lecture... we are all allowed our own view.

XX

Jayme

[Rosemary]

I'm going through a bit of emotional trauma myself at the moment, for the first time I'm not happy with my father. It's mainly because he chose not to tell me significant things about himself earlier in life.

I wish he had been honest with me from the start, it would have shown me how much he loves and trusts me.

Honesty is a wonderful thing to show your family. I can't understand how some people seem to think it's ok for family to go on thinking they know someone when they don't.

Don't let all those narrow minded, judging types out there, win by making you hide in the closet even from your own family.
Be honest and I'm sure you'll be better off for it.

Mary

[suzy]

WHEW!

I didn't expect there would be so many opinions on this topic....but it opened my eyes and made me think.. Thank you!

CONGRATS!!!!

My vote is to be open and honest and unified from this day forward...don't hide it from her.;)