Having a miniature freak out

[JuliaC]

So as much as I am slowly growing to accept my crossdressing there is one major hang up for me. That is that there doesn't seem to be many people in succesful marriages. I mean I know I see some of the older ladies here with them. But I do not seem to find many younger girls with them. I definetly want a wife and kids but Im scared that won't be a possibility if I continue crossdressing.

[Launa]

You'll be fine as long as you tell you're partner right before things get serious!

I don't know you're age but the world for us CD'ers is changing rapidly every day. The younger generations are much more accepting.

Even on University application forms they are starting to say check the box Male, Female, Transgender. Just don't hide a thing when the relationship starts to progress.

[Karren H]

Funny.... I don't see the younger generation is more accepting.... maybe even less so..... and you should be scared.... living alone the rest of you life would scare me too!

[S. Lisa Smith]

I can understand your worries. However, if you follow what has become the standard advice here, let your SO know early in your relationship that you CD. You may lose a few girlfriends, but you will find one that will go the distance. I'm old and have been married 38 years, but my wife knows. She doesn't want to meet Lisa, but she is helpful and gives me space when I need it. It may take time, but you will find someone. Good luck!

[Jenniferathome]

I think you are very wrong about your assumption. Happy marriages and cross dressing is a very real reality.

[Bree Wagner]

I think you are very wrong about your assumption.

Agreed. My wife and I have our ups and downs the same as any other marriage, most of which are not related to crossdressing. We've got two young kids and are doing very well.

I also agree with the other advice to tell a potential wife before marriage. I did and it worked for me. Based on all I've read here, and talked about with others who have lived through it, it has the potential to save a lot of heartbreak later.

-Bree

[JuliaC]

I understand that it is possible but I feel like there is a lot of tension created by it. I feel like it either creates a problem for our wives or creates stress and makes the cder hide

[Lorileah]

I think you are very wrong about your assumption. Happy marriages and cross dressing is a very real reality.

and mutually exclusive in my opinion. You have to work on a successful marriage on many levels. When two people do this (and it takes two people to do it, one alone cannot make the marriage successful) they don't worry about such trivialities as what clothes you wear. But as mentioned above, you need to be upfront from the start. Keeping secrets is not a way to have a successful OR a good marriage.

[lingerieLiz]

If you look at the divorce rate for all marriages today they aren't great either. CDing can add a problem to marriage, but so can gambling, golfing or anything else.

[Rachelakld]

I think women tend to look for stable income providers with a life mate, with a low risk financial hardship (as well as looks, role model behaviour etc)
CDing could create employment issues as well as role model issues as can depression, alcohol, narcissistic tendancies and a raft of other issues and is probably a similar turn off for women.
By the same token, there are brave women out there who can see it for what it is, or like caring sensitive men, or have been through worse issues with previous spouses.
I would advise letting any woman get to know the man you are first and just as it starts getting serious, show her your hobby.

[Beverley Sims]

The hang up I see is younger people seem to be unable to resolve their differences.
All resolutions have to be made now! There is a way of making a success, work through it and talk about it.
Life is short and you are a long time dead.

[Chickhe]

I've been in this boat for decades...but if there is one thing that has improved it is the younger generation... You have a week, do this Halloween in drag! Get a girlfriend to help, do a really cool costume enfem and don't explain why...just do it for fun...then at the parties just go and hang out with all the single woman...trust me, they think its cool and just focus on making open minded friends. This way, people see you, they know you enjoy CDing and it goes from there. Learn to accept yourself, you are normal and just because you like to CD you can still have a wife and kids...like most other people who CD do...also most other CDer also have the usual guy hobbies too.

[Ceri Anne]

While I havn't make the jump to coming out to my spouse yet, (working on that) I do have a number of happily married TG friends. While tougher, it is possible. They seem to have really strong and commited relationships also.

[Allesandra Rhodes]

From personal experience sometimes, depending on where you are, younger girls may have a bit of an easier time with CDing. I'm not an older person and my SO is still in her 20s. So we're babies by some peoples reckoning. Together almost five years and very happy together.

[Launa]

Funny.... I don't see the younger generation is more accepting.... maybe even less so..... and you should be scared.... living alone the rest of you life would scare me too!

Now don't be a bad girl Karren!

[AndreaCD1963]

Back when I was dating, I made sure my dates knew BEFORE they spent the night at my place. The last thing I wanted was for them to find makeup in the bathroom, lingerie in the laundry room, wigs/dresses/blouses/shoes/etc in my bedroom and then think there was a full time woman in my life! Not one ran for the hills - and I eventually settled down with my current wonderful SO who knows everything about me (how can she not, she does the laundry! LOL)

[samanthasolo]

So what defines a sucessful marriage? That in itself will greatly vary from one person to another even without throwing dressing into the mix. You are worrying yourself for what reason? There are no guarantees in life let alone marriage. If you are going to think you will stop dressing to ensure a wife, children, and a SO CALLED successful marriage would it be a success if your dressing popped back into the picture after the fact, or you compromised yourself to fight off the urge to dress. Do you think there is a formula for happy and succesful in your unhappiness and possible resentments that WILL come with that. Will you act as though you are in a successful marriage and hide in the shadows with guilt and shame hoping the day will never come that your wife discovers your secret.

Compatibility, common goals, love, honesty, compromise, and so on! These things are part of the work in progress that is a marriage! So without freaking out or causing yourself undue angst. Be comfortable with youself, and be in control of you. When that special someone comes along they will accept and love you for who you are. After that, well! When you get to that point in life the hypothetical doesn't matter much now does it?

[vallerie lacy]

Julia,
I hope you will heed the advice about being up front with any partner that you are serious about. I, like so many "older ladies" told my 2nd wife about Vallerie prior to our marriage. I was very lucky. She accepted Vallerie and I. Notice I said my 2nd wife? My first wife didn't know until finding some lingerie. Need I say more? By the way, you will continue to CD whether you think you will or not. The desire to dress may be held off for awhile but the Pink Fog is always with you. Good Luck

[Tina B.]

Remember all of the older girls here, that are in successful marriages where young once also, I was in my twenties when I told my wife, and if you think it's hard to find a women now, you should have been there 40 + years ago. Back then you had to tell a person what a Cross dress was before they could understand what you where talking about.
They say 50% of marriages in America wind up in Divorce, now we know no one thinks there is that many men cross dressing, so most of those have to be for other reasons. If even anywhere near half of us are in relationships that are working, then we are doing as good as the general population, if one forth of us are, then maybe it's twice as hard, but still very doable.
Besides, they say it's better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all.

[Kate Simmons]

I've said this before. What you need to do is determine what is more important to you and proceed from there. Sometimes we just can't have our "cake" and eat it too Hon.:)

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Julia, Anything is possible we are three months short of our 50th anniversary
and my wife has known about my CDing the whole time now it's a DA-DT
I know my boundaries and life is great.

[SherriePall]

Ahhhh, it'll be 39 years this month (I think) and we're still happy. Like Lisa Smith said, she hasn't seen me, doesn't want to know me, but does my lingerie washing and gives me some space. Quite amazing considering I didn't tell her til about 14 years ago. Lucky I'm still alive.

[Karren H]

Now don't be a bad girl Karren!

Me? Lol.... The thought of dying alone in a soiled torn pretty pink dress...... :D

[Alice Torn]

Karren, A soiled pretty pink dress, and hockey skates on? I am 59, never married, from an extremely toxic familoy, and parents. I always wanted a girlfriend, and to marry, and came close once, in 1987, but i was too low income to support the lady and her daughters, and could not afford adequate housing. I was not Cding at that time. Almost every single woman around me age, that i have talked about it with, are very turned off by it, and consider it perversion. Only one, was neutral, it seemed. One lesbian, said she liked it. An 85 year old late night radio advice line host, Roy Masters, sees marriage today, as a trap, and discourages it, because of the extremely stressful, and litigation madness. Sadly, too many marriages end up in court battles. May be better to stay single these days, and just have friends. I only get lonely, when i go to restaurants, or church, or special occasions, alone. My cats keep me wonderful company, though, at home. Without CDing, marriage is challenging. With CDing, more challenging, unless the SO really digs it.

[MysticLady]

I definetly want a wife and kids but Im scared that won't be a possibility if I continue crossdressing.

They don't need too know............everything. Problem you'll have is, finding the time to actually do it.

[Sandra]

I understand that it is possible but I feel like there is a lot of tension created by it. I feel like it either creates a problem for our wives or creates stress and makes the cder hide

If you both are honest and want to help each other then any problems that arise can be worked out. Problems occur when one of you either want to take all the time and not give and when you are both pulling in the opposite direction.

[Jackie7]

Well, one problem it creates for my wife is when I doll up as mrs Doubtfire, she finds that mutually embarrassing. She solves it by helping me be the best-looking trannie that I can be.

The other problem it creates for her is when, in my recurring pink fog, I decide to dress for an event where it really could cause trouble for us and difficulties for others, teenage nieces and nephews at some public event with us for example (I'm out to my family but I never dress for family occasions). I have learned to always take her advice, in fact I am grateful for it.

I just checked with her - she doesn't have any other issues with me being TG and enjoying my pretty clothes. And I am certain, as so many others have already said, that it is because she met Jackie at the same time as she met John. No secrets, not ever.

[Ressie]

Anxiety brought on by thinking of what may or may not happen in the future. Yes, you really should tell the truth once the person you're dating turns into a relationship. That's what I've done. But will you be fine? Depends on her reaction. Like Alice Torn in my many years I've only had one gf that totally accepted crossdressing. And if there isn't real acceptance you'll have an adversarial relationship.

There's also a strong probability that she won't keep it a secret. Women need to share problems with other women, and a CD bf would be considered a problem for the majority.

[Jackie7]

There's also a strong probability that she won't keep it a secret. Women need to share problems with other women, and a CD bf would be considered a problem for the majority.

Yes, and so what? All my wife's close girlfriends know, back at the start some of them fretted that it would be a problem for them in their relationship so might be for her too, but it hasn't been an actual problem for anybody. There can be pluses too -- for example, when one of the girlfriends got married, I got to be the helpful guy in the girls' dressing room, what a treat!

[MatildaJ.]

JuliaC, have you talked to a counselor experienced in gender issues? I think, if possible, it's good for people to figure out whether they identify as male or female (or as gender-fluid) before they get into serious relationships.

[JuliaC]

no i have no but i definetly identify as male...I have no desire to live full time as a woman

[Mssusan]

Like others have posted, tell potential serious girlfriends early, preferably before you go to bed. That way you won't waste your time on someone who will reject you when you might have feelings for her.

My CDer let me know before we even met, so I had time to do research, reflect, and prepare questions. If a girl isn't willing or able to have an open mind, she is not the right girl for you.

Stick to your guns, be honest, and you will wind up with the right girl for you.

[ReineD]

I understand that it is possible but I feel like there is a lot of tension created by it. I feel like it either creates a problem for our wives or creates stress and makes the cder hide

You can't say for sure, Julia. The truth is, some wives will be OK with it to varying degrees, some won't, and you won't know how your potential future SO will take it until you get there. Chances are though, that younger women won't find it as strange as the average woman in prior generations. Younger women will be a lot more familiar with the concept of gender variance than their predecessors.

It's true that a young wife may have deep concerns if she is starting a family. She may want assurance that her husband will want to stay a husband and will be a good dad for the kids. She likely won't want her husband to dress in front of the kids, and she will also likely not want everyone in their lives to know about the CDing, since there still is a rather strong social bias against this.

So if you meet future Mrs. Right and you tell her right away, and she understands that this is a part and not all of you, and she is assured that you do plan on being a husband and a dad, etc, then your chances of having it work out are good indeed.

The trick is to tell her at the very beginning so as to avoid surprises later down the road. Most women object to having been lied to more than anything else. And if it doesn't work out; if you tell a potential SO and she decides to break it off, you will be better off than if you marry and the urge to CD comes back years down the line after your lives will have become enmeshed.

[Tina_gm]

Agree with what a lot of others have stated. Realize that it isn't for all women. I am going to just say that I think that if the CDing is a part, but not the whole, and as ReineD said that the CDing does not get in the way of or prevent you from being the husband and father, that will help you enormously. Your future wife may never "like it" but with compromise on both sides, it can be worked out.

[suchacutie]

It is a challenge to have a discussion with someone who has your interest about any transgender issue, but honesty is key, and having her understand that it's a part of you but not all of you, that you identify as male, and that you want to understand her feelings and fears will go a long way with many women, and the younger the better is my experience. In addition, there are real relationship advantages when a husband is a CD! There are not many non-CD men who have a clue about women at any kind of depth. You are interested in women at a deep level and I'm sure she will pick up on that quickly, and it may be one of the strong things that has attracted her to you, even if she doesn't know it yet.

It can work well. My wife and I just celebrated our 40th anniversary!

[Ressie]

Yes, and so what? All my wife's close girlfriends know, back at the start some of them fretted that it would be a problem for them in their relationship so might be for her too, but it hasn't been an actual problem for anybody. There can be pluses too -- for example, when one of the girlfriends got married, I got to be the helpful guy in the girls' dressing room, what a treat!

And all your wife's friends have told their husbands. Word spreads quickly it's called gossip. Maybe you don't care that you've outed but yourself by being honest to one person, but many CDs don't want that. Plus, you're wife is still with you. Good for you. I guess you haven't read the stories of divorce and the wife telling everyone that her husband is a perv. This would be a big problem for some don't ya think?

[lisablack44]

If you are seriously looking to have a long lasting relationship... you must tell the truth in the beginning. The right woman will accept you cross dressing, it's the lying, and keeping a big secret that really ends most relationships. It took me three relationships to finally find the right one. The other thing is that you have to look at it from the women's point of view...She is signing up to be with a man, and then she finds out you look better in her clothes than her? I think that if she knows up front, you have a lot better chance of making it last...

[Stephanie47]

I and my wife will be celebrating forty-two years this month. She does not want anything to do with my cross dressing. I do not push it in her face. She has had a long enough period of time to figure out who I am. I also had a long enough period of time to figure myself out. She figured out my little quirk is not a deal breaker. And, there are things about her that are not deal breakers too.

I'm sure there are many cross dressers out there who have gone through multiple wives who are not supportive or accepting or even willing to do DADT. With the divorce rate at 50% for first marriages it is obvious not all divorces are caused by cross dressing. The key is being in a relationship where the woman see the entire man. Frankly, I've seen a lot of cross dressers I would not want to be married to either, and, it isn't because he wears female attire.

[Eryn]

I've run into a number of younger couples who have successfully (and happily!) integrated CDing into their lifestyle. I don't think that there is any age restriction on understanding but it is important to establish trust and communication if a relationship becomes serious.

[Kate T]

To the OP. Hate to say it sweetie but you are not going to have a choice. Wife and kids or not, you will still want to crossdress and it won't go away because you wish it.
Have a look at this link:
http://www.tgforum.com/wordpress/index.php/research-on-the-wives-of-crossdressers-questionnaire-ii-report-3/
My recollection of most studies is that marriage and divorce rates are fairly similar for CD's vs non CD's (TS is a different kettle of fish entirely). The best advice and that backed up by any studies that have been done, is that wives told prior to marriage have far greater acceptance and consequently measures of marriage "wellness" tend to be much higher.

[sometimes_miss]

I think you are very wrong about your assumption. Happy marriages and cross dressing is a very real reality.

Yes. It's a reality for the lucky few, and I do mean few. The odds are somewhere near the same as winning the lottery.

The best advice I've come across is to work on becoming friends with gay women, and get them to take you with them to clubs that they go to. That's where you will most likely find women who are open to non standard relationships. Still, there won't be a lot of them. But if you're lucky, very very lucky, you might find a willing female mate.

On the other shoe, the odds are very slim. Women rarely know what they are attracted to, as you can witness so many women who repeatedly date men who treat them like dirt. Women say they want one thing, but do something entirely different. Then state that it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind. Right. But that leaves men holding the bag when we do what they say, and then they want someone else.

So we have to go by history, and observation. The average woman is generally attracted to masculine men, and much of that appears to be genetically influenced. Anything that upsets the image of being masculine can be a permanent turn off. So what do you think seeing you in a feminine outfit or you acting feminine does? It turns her off sexually. She may still be willing to be your good friend. But sexual desire? Very unlikely. And there goes your possibilities for marriage and kids.

Most of us don't have wives or girlfriends who like the idea of a mate who crossdresses.

So I wish you the best of luck finding a mate.

[Launa]

I told 3 girlfriends about myself before I settled down with the partner I have now for 20+ years. All of them were accepting and didn't give a crap about it at all. However I told them right up front, even before we got serious. I took the chance if the relationship got ugly that they wouldn't blabber about it around town. Guess it worked
We didn't stick together for other reasons other than dressing. I suggest not to go looking for dates in conservative, square head, churchy towns that can't handle anything outside the norm!