Asking myself some questions

[michelle-]

Hi,
I've been on the forum for a few days but have dressed for sometime now. I'm only starting. I've decided I'm getting some make up of my own and in time some other things. So, I'll be doing this for some time.

Now, I was thinking this past few days. Joining this forum is kind of a big step for me. Because, for me, it means I'm admitting I dress in a regular basis. I'm admitting I like it and want to improve it. Make it more convincing. And this lead me to a few questions.

For some time, I've dressed at home. Not always as a girl, I use to put my suit and talk in front of the mirror. Pretend I was some important guy talking about finance. I've taken some language courses in the last few years so I would, other times, switch languages while at home, pretend I have multiple identities, always by myself. The times I've dressed, I've done the same. Pretend I'm some girl at home doing her life. Pretend I really am Michelle. I do enjoy dressing up. Going through the outfits I have at home, trying to pick the right panties o tights. The right top, or maybe that day I feel like wearing a dress.

Now the questions I have. Why do I like dressing like a girl so much more than the other "characters" I've dressed like? Is it because I find it challenging? (I've always been a detail maniac). Is it because I enjoy it more? Do I prefer trying to be a woman than being a guy? Would I ever consider going out and make this a full time thing? Would I enjoy going out with a guy? Do I want to try it at some point? Can I go on with my planned future and still do this?

Anyway, just wondered if anybody here ever felt like that and how they dealt with it if it caused problems.

Michelle

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Hi Michelle. Welcome to the forum! I just returned from a business trip to Buenos Aires...I've been there many times. Beautiful city, and beautiful people. Do you live in BA?

You ask "why" and many other questions. You have joined a crossdressers forum, and enjoy wearing women's clothes, but you are expressing doubt. Do you still put on your suit and pretend you are a male business executive? Or are most (all) of your dressing sessions now as a woman? If you are always dressing as a woman, it's probably less the assumption of a different identity, and more the desire to assume a female identity. What's bothering you about that? Embrace it, the desire is not going to diminish as you get older.

You can have a future as a male and crossdress. With the questions you ask, I wonder if you really want that future, or would prefer to explore your feminine side more. Do you just enjoy the illusion of looking like a woman, or do you think it runs deeper?

This is the right place to ask questions and compare experiences. Buena suerte!

Shibumi

[Julie Gaum]

By all means continue on your career path certainly for the foreseeable future. Plenty of time to sort out your feelings as evidently you have been doing a good job of compartmentalizing your different personae --- not suggesting that it is healthy to continue in that fashion but it works while you're finding your one or two true identities.
Julie

[AllieSF]

Welcome to the Forum Michelle. Read, participate and learn. There are a lot of varied experiences and opinions here. Pick out what works for you and please share your experiences of being a CD in Buenos Aires, my second favorite city in the world.

[michelle-]

Hi Shibumi,

Yes I live in BA. Wonderful city. Love everything about it.

I do want to explore my feminine side more. I want to dress better and get things for myself. I am getting a few new items. Right now I wear my older sister's clothes. She moved and left some things here. But I do want to keep on with my career and the other things I do.

About my "sessions". Most of them have been as a woman. I still do others, but most of them have been in a dress, and heels. I dressed a few weeks ago and was quite thorough. I wore lipstick, nail polish, and improvised eye shadow. I even trimmed my legs a bit, didn't shave. Of course my face looked weird because of my beard shadow. But I want to see how I look with actual make up. Work on my eyelashes and eyebrows. Let my hair grow and try a natural feminine look on my next session. I've always been told I have great silky brown hair.

Wow, I asked and just answered my own question about what I want to do. Thanks Shibumi.

Michelle

[cdmorganashley]

i'm not sure what the culture in BA is like, but i think for the most part CDs can do whatever they set their minds to do with their lives... some paths are certainly very difficult but if you feel thats what you need to do to find fulfillment and happiness you can do it... it sounds to me like the questions you are asking are ones that only you can really answer, and giving them some serious thought and spending some more time dressing will probably help find some answers... also try some things you think you might like and find out if that sort of thing is for you or not... it probably not necessary to worry about making crossdressing a full time thing before even going out in public for the first time... try some new things and you will probably find some answers... try and have fun and enjoy the ride... also some things like possibly preferring presenting as a woman doesn't mean you have to go out and have a sex change and change your whole life... maybe you just find time to dress and maybe go out and have fun and that time is special to you and thats that.... some people enjoy playing basketball more than working but they don't all quit their jobs to play basketball all the time and try and become a professional athlete.... try not to freak out and take it one step at a time--personally i think a good first step would be figuring out why it is you like dressing... is it the challenging character thing? costumes you dont usually wear, or is it because you feel a need to express yourself in a feminine way? if you feel the need to be feminine by crossdressing then i would start to consider some of your other questions, but i think this first why is pretty important to figure out so you can understand yourself and your dressing better...

[Michelle789]

Hi Michelle,

Welcome to our forum!!! You're in the right place, and as you'll see there are a variety of experiences, ranging from occasional cross-dresser, to gender fluids, gender benders, and transsexuals. Definitely try dressing more, and work on improving your appearance, and you'll start to get a better feel for who you are. I do agree that your desire to CD will never go away, if anything, it only gets stronger as you get older.

I personally think I dress as a girl because my female identity runs very deep, it is a deep part of who I am. I am expressing me, a part of me, and not trying to be someone else. I think someone who likes to dress as others and role-play, in general, regardless of gender, you're expressing a part of who you are. If you like to dress as a banker, maybe you have a deep interest in corporate finance. If you like to dress as an attorney, maybe you have a deep desire to be a lawyer. If you like to dress as a female, you have a deep desire to be female.

I've definitely grown a lot in the past 6 weeks since I've been on this forum, and even began polishing my appearance and got an avatar. Explore, and have fun. I hope to see a picture of you someday.

[Beverley Sims]

You are in an undecided phase although you do like other male characters.
I would not make any decisions at all and just go with how you feel from time to time.
Some time in the future you will decide which road you will go down.
Stay out of view with your fascination for other characters and do not let it interfere with your planned future.
There are too many ifs and maybees to worry about the unanswered questions yet.
If you decide to make a career of something, do it and keep your fantasies to yourself for now.

[michelle-]

Thanks everybody. I really appreciate that you'd take a few minutes to read about my concerns and reply. I'm glad there's people who actually want to help others.

[Kate Simmons]

I would say stay on your career path, especially if it's what you like to do and is satisfying. Keep the "characters" , especially the girl as a "nice to have" for now to see how things go.:)

[jenni_xx]

At the risk of sounding as though I'm psychoanalysing you, from what you wrote in your opening post, it does seem that you're at a certain stage of your crossdressing journey.

That stage being - you pretending. Pretending you are someone you're not. You're externalising your dressing, so that it in your own mind you can differentiate it from the identity that you adhere to more "normally". My own opinion is that the biggest, most important step a crossdresser can take is accepting that it is a part of who we are, and if we were to take away the aspect of crossdressing completely, then as a whole we'd all be very different people. I do believe that crossdressing becomes such a fundamental part of our lives, so much so that it is a significant part of our entire make-up (excuse the pun).

So at the moment you are externalising it. Passing it off as pretend. Justifying it as a a pretense.

The truth of the matter is, irrespective of how it is viewed in society more generally, it is a part of society and always will be, simply because it is something many members who belong to said society engage in. It makes you no lesser a man than any one else. At it's base level, it's something that you enjoy doing, and as something that harms no-one, at least physically, then circumstances withstanding, there is no reason not to allow yourself to enjoy.

Too many of us (on this forum and in the cd community more generally) have a hang up over what other people think. That is just an extention of our more caring side - our more feminine side. We worry. Sometimes justifiably so, but most of the time such worries are not justified. Such as going out in public. We may be afraid that we'll be physically attacked (it does and can happen, but thankfully it doesn't happen as much as one might think it does). We also may subdue it - as you infer in your opening post - because it raises questions to ourselves in regards to our sexuality. The fact however is - the percentage of men who crossdress who are gay is a similar percentage of men in general who identify as homosexual. Around 1 in 10 men is said to be percentage in regards to being gay. A similar percentage (1 in 10 cders) is also the case.

It's good though that you are asking such questions. Questions that you can only answer yourself - that relate only to yourself, on your journey to discovering who you actually are.

But the biggest piece of advice I can offer you - the biggest piece of advice I can offer anyone - is not to get too hung up over the questions/emotions that are swirling around inside your head. For if we do, then it's our own perception of how others will view us that will ultimately become the biggest obstacle for us to overcome. When the truth is that the vast majority of the "outside world" simply do not care, or only care enough to stiffle a giggle in your presence.

[reb.femme]

The times I've dressed, I've done the same. Pretend I'm some girl at home doing her life. Pretend I really am Michelle. I do enjoy dressing up. Going through the outfits I have at home, trying to pick the right panties o tights. The right top, or maybe that day I feel like wearing a dress.

I suspect that you really are Michelle....Michelle. If you are enjoying the girl clothes, you're definitely a crossdresser, if you need a label. Most care to consider this a unique feature though and explore the why no further.

I think most people talk to themselves at some point or other, I know I do when I'm in the car. Maybe I'm a weirdo. As I've heard said before, "if you haven't met the office fool, it's probably you".

I like being male and female on presentation, but purely hetero on sexuality. If you find that you like guys as well as girls, then you like guys and your dating possibilities are increased too. :heehee:

Rebecca