Feeling free through this forum, but caged at the same time

[Elisa Lace]

Okay so I've been a member of this forum for almost a week now... And I must say that it's been very fun, educative and mind opening in a lot of levels among many things. The positive stories I've read, the good experiences shared by others, the heartache and trust put upon each members and the shoulders to lean on everyone offers daily. This has all made me feel very welcome, and so much "less different" as I used to feel a few weeks ago.

I think I've been very much at ease with myself in a lot of ways to the point that I can even post something like this right now in a very open hearted way. But at the same time, I feel kinda trapped... it's kinda like as if I've been transfered from this itty bitty cell, to a bigger cage from which I see the rest of the world so free. As they say, "the grass is always greener..." I know... but all the positive things create this kind of huge contrast between where I'd like to be and where I am now. I'm completely conscious that everything takes a toll on us, nothing is easy, and that you have to work hard. And I've gained a lot of security through reading everything I've managed to on the forums... But despite all this, I'm afraid. The more free I want to be, I get more afraid...

I've been dating a great girl for almost three years, and all this time, we've worked hard on our relationship to make it work no matter how big the problems are. In particular, the hardest one has been, in our case, my CD'ing. Since I first told her about it more than two years ago, I did so in a negative way... treating CDing as a problem I had. I went through therapy to try to control it, try to get rid of it, as I knew it would be something that would do more harm than good. I "stayed clean" for almost a year. Then I "fell" again... and after one discussion which nearly ended our relationship I finally thought about giving me permission instead of tearing us apart each time I did it. A few more conversations on, I was allowed to "partly dress", just underwear, no clothings.. some more conversations on, I thought she said "i don't care what you do, just keep me out of it". Fast forward to this weekend, after buying a few clothing items/wig and feeling kinda freed, we went to a new store which opened here. I, for the first time ever, actually enjoyed sorting through womens attire as we looked for something for her to buy... while at the same time wishing I could just buy something for me as well. At this point I was kinda feeling her support but I didn't want to push it. Back in the car I asked her if there would've been a problem if I bought something for myself and she instantly switched her mood and told me "we talked about this!! I said no clothing!!". I backed off and told her "okay okay" and just dropped it.... at the same time I felt kinda devastated. She wasn't supportive as I thought/wished and nothing had changed. But worse than that, I felt I had cheated on her through buying all this stuff she didn't actually approve. That feeling has me somewhat uneasy, and now that I write this... makes me quite sad actually. I've tried everything to go on slow with the subject, out of respect, out of love. I know it's hard for her, really... but does she know it is hard for me as well? I've told her a million times how I feel... but she's not to blame though and I don't want to make that impression. No one's to blame on this. This is a subject that puzzles me and has me very unease...

I feel like coming out to my loved ones, I have this urge to be free to just wear the clothes I want from time to time. But at the same time I'm scared as hell... scared of harming/being harmed, being rejected. Scared of losing that which I love, losing my gf or losing my family (we're not too close but still). It's the dichotomy, the duality of feeling secure and feeling so fragile at the same time which is lightly, but constantly, tearing me down small bit by small bit!

I know this is a lot to be read and not sure if very coherent, but it is what I feel right now...
I just want to be free! I don't really need to be out in nature itself, but I want to enjoy my national reserve park and walk around SAFELY in it. And it scares me...

[RADER]

I have been married twice; The first time, I told my wife, (We where both young) and she just
could not understand the idea of her hubby wearing female undies. So after two kids and 9 years,
we where divorced. She hauled me into Court for any little thing you could Imagen. I figured out
that she was very hateful because of my desires. So I was single for about 15 years.
Now on a blind date I met my wife, and brought up the subject on the second date.
She was OK with the idea of me wearing female clothes, but "Please not outside"
I was OK with that as I would never pass.
We where married for over 19 years, The angles came for her this April. I will miss her forever.
Now we had an agrement.... I could dress around the house when ever I wanted, but do
not embarrass her by trying to go outside dressed. I under dressed some, but no one can tell
that one is under dressing.
Try to set some ground rules now, before marriage, If that can not be arraigned now, you might
think very hard on moving on. You will only be miserable on not being able to dress, and hiding
it will only bring distrust and anger from your SO.
Son think real hard, thee are other fish in the sea. I would rather the two of you work something
out first; so all can live happily ever after.
Rader

[EmilyPith]

Beware of the fog... it has you.

[Rachael Leigh]

Elisa I suspect you are younger than me but your story is very much like many of us, when you begin to get comfortable with this part of yourself it becomes such a compulsion to want to tell others. I have to say telling loved ones is very difficult. My wife knew when we got married but really didn't get it either but for a short time maybe a few years she kinda was ok with it but really would much rather it not be there. Women, many of them this aspect messes with there feminity it makes them feel less than a women and even some think if they see us dressed and then like it they think are they like a lesbian or something so it's very scary for them as much as it is for us. So I know you want to share this part of you with her but she's not ready and may never be. Mine really never has been and it has become trying to figure out a balance for me and do my best to love her and cherish her more than ever. I hope I've helped even a little. Hang in there.

[Beverley Sims]

Beware of the blob as well:)
Do not let reason get in your way of coming out.
That is the wrong way around.....
You do not need to come out, it is not a cure all but can be a recipe for disaster and is life changing socially.
Stay hidden do what you do in private and still go out and enjoy yourself.
It is easier to tell acquaintances who do not really care than tell relatives and close friends.
There are acquaintances that are not close friends that will accept you more readily as they are not familiar with your past and coming out is only a small change if any, to them.

[docrobbysherry]

Elisa, u r young. Youth is often in a hurry. When, in actuality, u have all the time in the world to discover who and what u r!

Your issue is not with your SO or relatives/friends. It's with yourself! U need to explore where your dressing compulsion will lead u. Maybe you'll end up content to dress at home in private like me. Or, end up going out regularly with girl friends. Like I've started doing. Or, u may even discover down the road that u r TS? Or, grow out of it. (Good luck on THAT one!)

Finally, u will discover and become who u really r. Or, suffer terribly if u try to deny who u r!

Your SO will be there if it's meant to be. SO's come and go. But, relatives and friends should be around for the long haul. If u out yourself now, before u know where your CDing is going, u may regret it! Tell people on a "need to know" basis. As u learn and grow!

[giuseppina]

Hello Elisa

The crossdressing is almost certainly part of you. It is not an illness and has no cure. If you try and suppress the dressing, it can lead to mental health issues including anxiety, depression, and being a miserable SOB who is not nice to be around.

Your GF is the only person who needs to know, IMHO. I don`t think pushing her any more for a while is a good idea. Let her bring up the topic when she is ready.

[Phydelia]

I feel like coming out to my loved ones, I have this urge to be free to just wear the clothes I want from time to time. But at the same time I'm scared as hell... scared of harming/being harmed, being rejected. Scared of losing that which I love, losing my gf or losing my family (we're not too close but still).

My personal thoughts...

i don't know your living situation, age (your avatar looks young), etc. But.

If you're simply crossdressing and not considering transition, there's no reason to tell your family. Dress on your time, enjoy it, and be the man they expect when you need to be around them (assuming you're not living in their home). Telling them is likely to do more harm than good. Not telling them will cost you relatively little, and save a lot.

Your girlfriend is another story. Yes, three years is a long time, and i'm sure you have a lot invested in the relationship. But if you think she may be "The One", that you may spend the rest of your lives together, consider a few things.

Do you want to spend the rest of your lives together having to keep part of yourself hidden away from her? And not only that, but knowing that she hates it? i know there are people on the forums that live this way, and i respect that, but personally it would kill me. i couldn't face that disgust.

If this "nearly ended your relationship"... what does that say about her connection to you and her priorities? She cares about you... but only if you wear the right clothes? Only if you fit the right mold?

Is that enough?

Dressing makes you happy, and costs her relatively little (assuming you have the disposable income). Does denying it seem reasonable to you? Would you do the same if the situation were reversed?

Think about the way she reacted to your wanting to buy some clothes, and ask yourself... what would it take to make you react that way to her? It sounds like it truly upset her. What would it take to upset you in a similar manner... and would you want to live with her knowing that she would always want it?

You can hope that she'll come around, but... i haven't been on this forum long at all, but i've already read a lot of stories about wives who haven't... measured in decades. Times are changing, and so are collective attitudes... but are individuals? They say hope in one hand and poop in the other, and see which one fills up first.

These are just my thoughts, take them for what they're worth...

[kimdl93]

Personally, I think this is a cage that you hold the key to. The question is whether you want this particular relationship more than you want access to a larger world. Its true, you're young and you have lots of experience ahead of you. But that doesn't invalidate your desire to express yourself more fully. In your interest and your GF's you need to have an honest (hopefully not brutal) discussion about where you would like your desires to lead and where she wants to go. If she digs in and remains an absolutist - no clothes - then I don't see how this can work in the long run. If on the other hand, she were willing to be more accommodating, it might work out.

ps: in another young person's thread, I suggested that you can't think your way to an answer about where you want your life to go. Young people need to try out different paths, different roles and decide from those experiences which are most appropriate for them. You need to make some room for yourself to experiment.

[Kate Simmons]

You need to do some honest soul searching Hon to determine what you really want. Revealing ourselves and our feelings to our loved ones indeed takes courage but is not always the prudent thing to do. I speak from experience as I lost my marriage because of this. The bottom line, however, is that someone who loves you for who you are will do so regardless of your propensity. If there are problems now, what would happen if locked in a bonding? Sometimes we have hard choices to make but they are our choices. Good luck. :)

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Elisa, It sounds like she wants to control you and I don't think that it's going to change.

[cdmorganashley]

i am a big fan of communication in relationships... it stands out to me that you are telling her what you would like and she says no and that's that... my opinion is that in order for you both to be happy there should be more discussion here for this to continue on as a healthy relationship... IMO you should let her know the feelings her saying no is bringing up in you and you need to find out what it is that is causing her to say no--is she worried you might be gay? want to become a woman? does it threaten her sexuality? is she afraid she will find you unattractive that way? is she worried about others finding out? there could be lots of reasons, but not saying anything is just going to breed resentment from you and get her mind going about why is he even asking and what is he doing when i'm not there? so to me the thing that need to happen here is some serious talk about where you both are at and how you both feel about this issue... i think the relationship will only suffer if you don't talk more about it--you are already buying things "behind her back" and i don't think hiding things from one another is going to be good for a relationship almost ever...

as for coming out, i often have similar thoughts, but the conclusion i basically come to is that although i would like my family to know and be accepting, i don't think i could handle their knowing and not being accepting so it isn't the right time for me to tell them, and honestly they don't have to know every detail of my life for us to be close and love one another... i mean for all i know my dad could wear panties every day, but i don't see him being compelled to tell me about it, and while i really wouldn't think much about it other than find him a little cooler, i don't really consider it to be much of my business what underwear he wears or whether him and his wife go to line dancing every thursday or whatever particular things he chooses not to tell me about... anyway i hold dear the things we do share with each other and i feel we both share the common bond of trying to be good, loving people and that's what is most important to me...

[stefan37]

You know yourself. From what you have related cross dressing is a part of you and will always be a part of you. I always told woman when i was getting serious I wore woman's clothes. I knew it was a part of me I needed to express from time to time. The danger you will have if you acquiesce to her demands no clothing is down the road you will need to express yourself with no outlet unless you keep it hidden. A recipe for disaster in my opinion. Truthful honest communication is needed and soon before you get too deep. Getting married and having children without resolving your gender issues will make life way more complicated than it already is.

[Asche]

Suppose it were not CDing, but, say, religion?

Suppose you had always loved going to church and singing the hymns and reciting the familiar prayers, and dinner wasn't dinner, even at McDonalds, if you didn't say the blessing, if only to yourself. And you slept better saying your good-night prayer. Now suppose your girlfriend, otherwise perfect in any way, couldn't stand religion of any kind, and had contempt for people who believed all that "rubbish." And as a compromise said, okay, I'll tolerate it as long as I don't have to see it or know about it, and if you go to church, tell me you're going to a bar or something instead.

What kind of life would that be?

The only difference I can see is that Society says going to church is an admirable thing but a man dressing in "women's clothes" is sick, sick, sick. However, she is not Society and she doesn't necessarily have to go along with what Society says.

Personally, I don't see how this girlfriend can be all that perfect for you if she's unwilling to respect an essential part of you. She doesn't have to like it, but she has to make peace with it. Which she's not doing.

[vallerie lacy]

Elisa,
Now for my two cents.
There is no doubt that the "Pink Fog" has a hold of you, as it does the rest of us. It's had me for close to 60 years. It won't go away. It's part of your being. Think of your future. If you and your sweetie can't communicate and resolve the issue, than sometime in the future the bottom will drop out of your cage. If you read the threads you'll hear of so many others who kept it hidden from their wives, only to end up in divorce court. Not only will that affect you and her, but any children you may have at the time.
Good communication is necessary in any good relationship. I believe she needs to hear about CDing from a professional. After that you two have a major decision to make about your relationship. I wish you the best and hope things work out for you.

[Amanda M]

Elisa - I understand (I think) just what a difficult situation you are in. You two need to talk, and indeed, get a therapist's help. Initially, for yourself Elisa, so that you have time in a safe, non-judging place where you can decide what your priorities are, what you can live with, how far you can accommodate. If your relationship is going to be mutually fuflfilling, then there will have to be accommodation. YOU have to decide how far down that road you are prepared to go, as must she. At that stage, you can begin to make informed decisions about your future together.
I wish you both the best.

Amanda.

[Elisa Lace]

First of all, thanks to everyone for your replies!

After reading carefully through all of them it seems that I'm indeed quite fogged, which is something I didn't realize. You're all right about not actually having to come out to my family... it's not really necessary (aside from wanting to keep all the stuff my sis is now getting rid of lol). But it's true... I should, and I will, take things a tad more slowly on this front.

Regarding my gf, we have both worked very hard during our relationship to keep communicating and to face and solve our problems openly... but the subject of my CD is a closed one, definitely a no-go area which upsets her anytime I bring it up... I want our relationship to survive, I really do.

I am considering going back to therapy to clear some things up so hopefully that will help... will let you all know how things turn up.

Thanks again for all your time and support!

[Suzanne F]

Elisa
Take the time to really determine what you want your life to look like. We only do this once. You have not committed to anyone or had children yet. You have time to think about the future and how you want it to look. If this is causing you pain maybe this is more than clothes for you. If so you are at a point in life where you can change course without hurting many people. If it is just clothes then asking for your girlfriend to bend a little is not unreasonable to me. Good luck and we will be here to support you!
Hugs
Suzanne

[MariaR68]

I am feeling this way also. My wife knows that I dressed before (to a point). I have actually been dressing just about all my life since I was about 5 years old. Here I am 40 years later and I just can't seem to stop and I don't feel like stopping. I have even went as far as experimented with other men. Some of my former SOs knew about it and some were more than ok with it with us even going shopping where as some of them were ok but not in front of them. My wife and I aren't in the best relationship right now and she actually wants to separate but because of our kids we have not done so (we have twins of which one is special needs). I don't want to separate but I also want to be able to be who I am. I am truly scared because my wife is not very understanding.

[jenni_xx]

It's good that the forum is helping you. That is it's intended function after all.

In regards to feeling trapped, the only person putting that upon yourself is, well, yourself. Nothing other than yourself, or the circumstance that you find yourself in, is making you feel that way.