Want to blend in and be accepted as a woman? Join the straight world.

[Nicole Erin]

No I don't mean give up transition. Let me explain.

A couple years ago, I earned my cosmetology license. What more accepting field for a non-passing TS to make a career? WRONG! After several interviews, no one would hire me. They don't need to say, i know my gender presentation was a problem. I should have known that was gonna happen since a lot of the bitches at beauty school treated me either as a novelty or a freak.

I used to hang out at the gay clubs. What better place to find like-minded people to create solid friendships with? WRONG! Too often other TS would turn their noses up whether they looked better than me or not.

Out of desperation, I signed up on a popular website similar to facebook but for adults. Figured, "Ok, very diverse crowd, going to their meet-ups should be promising." WRONG! Once again, too many snubbed their noses. And those were my BETTER experiences with that crowd.

Well great, so I cannot get hired in a supposedly GLBT-friendly field and cannot seem to connect with other "Weirdos" like myself.

I needed a job and wanted friends. But I couldn't just expect to find a job or friends in the vanilla straight world, I mean I was different, they would not accept me. Once again - WRONG! I got hired at a place that has about 100 employees, and maybe 5 have any problems with me. Made a few casual friends and I am never without someone to hang out and talk to.

(sigh) I don't get it, I really don't. Here I wasted time with the "community" only to find rejection yet in the straight world I am treated as a human? Why didn't anyone tell me not to waste my time and instead jump into normal society from the get-go?

That is all. If you want to blend in and live a normal life, just dive in and join the normal world. I don't hate the "Community" but at least I learned. Maybe too many insecure folks within "lifestyle" circles.

[thechic]

I would have to agree with you 100% the only friends I have are, in the straight world ,and every body is great at my place of work and I don't have issues in the real world, I don't know any TS, and a gay in-law just thinks Im disgusting, after finding out I was born male.

[Angela Campbell]

geez, I isolated myself from everyone for so long it is a huge milestone just to make friends in the trans world.

[mikiSJ]

I just came out as Miki late last year. Almost the only people who have seen me dressed are my trans friends and while I am totally delighted and at ease with the company, I know that I will have to become 'common place'.

I have come out to my stylist, aesthetician and dressmaker, but I don't think any of them would want anything more than a commercial friendship. When I head out on my own, I will want to make as many woman friends as possible - cis and trans.

[kimdl93]

I can't speak for the general response from the LGBT community, but I've found I can strike up a conversation with people pretty much wherever I am. I do feel that I am better received by lesbian women than gay men...perhaps to gay men I represent a stereotype they'd rather not see reinforced. I can say that in my more limited experience, I've found more tolerance and acceptance in the straight world - and that's among the neighbors, friends and coworkers who knew me before I began to change.

[I Am Paula]

I have found much more tolerance, and acceptance in the straight world. Despite the T in LBGT, the 'community' finds me little more than a curiousity that must be grudgingly let into the fold.
I've found that the best route to making friends, getting into social circles etc. is to ignore that I'm trans. Don't point it out, don't apologize, and don't EVER feel less of a person because of your birth genitals. This sounds hard, we have been conditioned to hang out with 'like' folks. Remember, TS is just a phase, you are a woman, and moving toward cis-woman. Cis-women don't seek out TS for friends do they?

[FurPus63]

My experience has been totally different than yours. I came out at work and began my full-time transition 17 months ago. I worked presenting myself as a woman for nine months before losing my job (my fault had nothing to do with being trans). When I was working I very few problems with acceptance amongst my co-workers and clients. I would estimate aproximately 95% of my clients kept me as their therapist (I worked in a mental health agency, easy place to transition) and most of my co-workers were accepting and supportive. That was at work though! I found out as the months went by, even though many were courtious and polite, etc..... on the job, socially I didn't fit in and was basically ignored; i.e. the company X-mas party nobody talked to me and not one person would ever go out with me after work for a drink or socialize with me outside of work.

Although most of my transition was filled with very pleasant and positive surprises, and I was glad to have been relatively accepted by most people on the job; looking back on it now I can see I wasn't as accepted as I thought. I think most people were being polite because they felt they had to (be professional in a professional environment). That's how things went at work. After losing my job, I reflected on my overall experience and these were my conclusions. I'm a good person to work with just don't "party" with me!

All that aside, I feel my transition at work went as smoothly as possible, and I did have a relatively positive experience. I'm glad to hear it's gone that way for you too on your new job . However; try asking some of your co-workers to socialize with you outside of work and see the reaction you get? Just wondering how that would go for you?

I've been looking for a job now for eight months. It has sucked! However; I can't prove I'm not being hired because I'm trans, I haven't had enough interviews yet to come to that conclusion. I just am not being called for interviews very often, and my resume doesn't say "trans-girl" on it! LOL! I'm hoping things will change soon. I'm much more passible as a woman than I was 17 months ago and feel most people (men and women) don't have a clue that I used to be a guy. I really believe I've got the talent and skills to land a job doing something somewhere. I just haven't had that big break we all need when finding new employment.

I'm going to add more to this post, I want to finish making my point. But need to take a break from this keyboard/computer for awhile! LOL!

[arbon]

I like my trans friends when I get the chance to see them (not often). For some reason when I am around them I feel rather normal! :) I have to travel to the city to see them because there is no lgbt community here where I live really. There are gay people but mostly very low key, discreet. I get along with the my gay friends fine, no different really then my straight friends.
There are a couple other trans women to locally, but none of us seem to really connect here. I think I understand why that is.

I got a ton of support from straight women in the community where I live. They lifted me up and carried me when I struggling a lot of times. And a lot of support from people in my church, and from people in 12 step recovery here.

[Jorja]

It has been my experience and opinion that we spend too much time worrying about being accepted as trans, gay or straight. The most of this worry in our heads anyhow. Go be yourself. Do the job you are hired to do. Be the best at doing that job. Follow the company rules. You are not there to make friends or to join a social club. You are there to collect a pay check. The rest will take care of itself. Acceptance from your co-workers is just icing on the cake.

[Suzanne F]

I attend an LGBT 12 step meeting regularly. There are about 15 gay men and me as Suzanne. I have been accepted and treated very well. I have not found anyone to be mean or hateful. I also have friends in the straight world who know about me too. I have found people are people no matter what their sexuality is.
Suzanne

[Angela Campbell]

i like my trans friends when i get the chance to see them (not often). For some reason when i am around them i feel rather normal! :) .

bingo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[FurPus63]

I have to admit my transition has been for the most part a very positive experience for me, despite my earlier rant. I guess I'm just nervous and anxious about finding new employment as a t-girl. I just wanted to add some thoughts to this topic.

What I have found is that IF and/or WHEN we get passable as women, that's when true integration into society can take place. I know this sounds aweful but it's so true. At least that's been my experience. That's why I work at it very hard each and every day. Now that I'm looking more passable I've had confidence to join a ladies bowling league and have received much acceptance and love there. It's been an amazing experience. Would I have had this experience a year ago? Would I have been able to have the confidence I do now to "fit-in" with these ladies? I don't know for sure, but my guess is no.

A year ago (5 months into HRT) I still had several male physical attributes that interfered with my ability to pass and blend in as a woman. A year ago, men stayed away from me. If they looked at me at all it was to stare like they were trying to figure out what was going on. A year ago, men didn't smile at me with pleasure like they do now. A year ago, men didn't open the doors for me. They didn't flirt with me. If they smiled it was usually a smirk or just plain laughed at me. Women; were courteous, kind and polite, as many women are. I received kinder smiles and an occassional nod of the head that said, "yeah, I know what's going on and it's cute." But no one would go anywhere with me where they could be seen in public. My only aquaintances, associates, and friends were all t-girls. I have not perceived t-girls as having a problem with me. I have not had the experience you described when it comes to socializing with t-girls. They all seem to be very welcoming and accepting. I have had a lot of fun and made some really good relationships with other t-girls.

However; I wanted and still want more than just t-girls for friends. So....... more to come! This is a cool post. Giving me lots to think about.

[bas1985]

I don't know really trans people IRL, so I cannot tell the difference. But I follow a trans virtual group here in Italy, a mailing list.

I don't know how to express better, but I think that apart from initial support and guidance (hormones, legal matter,
psychological support) one T-Woman should simply follow her past friendships, if she can... maybe we overestimate the fact
that we share the same situation (being trans) and this means that we automatically are friends also IRL. That may be not
the case, because we as trans come from every aspect of humanity (census, jobs, age, career, family, health, political choices
religion, etc...) so maybe we are here only together for the trans aspect, but not for other things.

The same IRL with other "real" trans. I hope to have expressed myself well.

[Ariamythe]

While I think there are no absolutes when it comes to socializing, I can definitely see where there might be some truth in Nicole's OP. The problem I've found with "hanging with transwomen" is that often, outside of the trans, we don't have much in common. Thus our time together is more or less about "being trans" because otherwise we don't always enjoy each other's company. The one fellow transwoman I've struck up a real friendship with, we commected because of the trans thing, but we're hanging out (tonight, for example) because we also really enjoy tabletop role-playing games. That's what we spend a lot of our time together doing.

LGBT, non-LGBT, it doesn't matter. Find people who will like you for who you are, not for what you are.

[Janice Ashton]

Good post and very interesting, I have been in transition for 15 months and have gay, lesbian and straight friends and I find lesbian people are OK with me but unreliable in meeting, gay men are more interested in their self and other gay men and straight people are very accommodating in listening at what you have say, very curious to see what you look like? But don't want you turning up on their doorstep or to be seen walking out with you;

I have some trans (sort of) friends that I meet at the GIC clinic but again not what you would call friendship more about comparison-ship so it's very interesting to read other peoples take on this post?

I am slowly making my way out into the community as Janice and I find the road difficult but it's where she wants to be so the best advise on this post I have read so far is just 'Be yourself'!!

Thanks for bringing it to the Forum..

[Chickhe]

I'll guarantee not socializing outside of work is not limited to gender. It is more related to work environment and people's already existing social circles. If you are a manager, older than average or a parent you may not be included. It can hurt, but often you don't want to be around people like that anyways... A lot of people don't socialize outside of work because they already spend too much time with the people they work with. It think it makes you more interesting if you have social circles independent of work.

[Kimberly Kael]

While I'm a huge advocate of integrating into mainstream society, the title and message behind the thread irks me. Yes, LGBT-specific spaces are are a limited subculture. They can act as a ghetto of sorts for people who don't feel comfortable around people who are different from themselves ... but to present as a solution that you need to distance yourself from that community and blend in? There's something about the approach that feels like returning to the closet, and I've spent enough time concealing my true identity to last a lifetime.

No, I've chosen to live at the intersection of several communities. I have friends who are gay, lesbian, trans, cis straight, and so on. The only trait they have in common is that they're decent human beings who are happy to socialize across boundaries themselves.

[robindee36]

I'm with Arbon. My trans friends and acquaintances are the most supportive and accepting. Perhaps it is because we all have traveled similar paths.

Likewise, I do not get to share their company nearly often enough.

Hugs, Robin

[sandra-leigh]

I'm a good person to work with just don't "party" with me!

That is pretty much the story of my life, starting long before I had any idea that I was even a crossdresser. I hold no expectation that for me the situation will change with transition -- though I can hope. For example having lunch with the secretaries would be more than I had before.

That doesn't quite come across right. At my job, it was the secretaries that treated me most like an ordinary human, rather than ignoring me or treating me as an interesting oddity. I don't care that we aren't talking about the nifty microfluidics application that was just announced: if you feel comfortable talking to me about how your son just passed his firefighter exams and your older daughter is engaged, then I am going to listen, as it would be a heck of a lot more "real" of a conversation then the sports scores.

But you know that a guy cannot ask a woman out to lunch without defenses going up, "Is this a date" or "But I'm married" or "What does he want from me". (A guy asking a male out to lunch for anything other than pure business, just to get to know them, is socially even worse.)

Yes, at times like this I do ask myself "Am I transitioning just for small social opportunities?" And I can't say there isn't an element of that. But NO, I need to transition even if my social life would not get better. The only thing I know will be waiting for me "on the other side" is me. I hope it is enough.

My social circle has expanded since I started going out, first as a cross-dresser and then later as TG to TS. Part of that is simply getting out more to where people are: you see the same people enough times and you start to talk. But part of it was "giving myself permission" to associate with and appreciate the company of a wide variety of people, including people in the LGBT community and people in the "kink" community. I am not a member of any kink group, but I get along with people who are. Kicking down the barrier of "I can't associate with this person because they do something legal but socially disapproved of" can be very freeing. And when one of the leaders of the female domination groups said "You should come out to one of our meetings", I knew that she meant it as a compliment, extending a trust that not many would receive in the relatively brief time we talked; along with a genuine suggestion that "This is something that I think you might enjoy; visit and relax with us." Not unlike a hockey fan asking, "Hey, would you like to go to a game together? I think I could get a buddy to sell us a couple of tickets?"

We don't get to choose who is willing to be friends with us; we more get to choose who we will not consider. And part of me learning to be more "me" is learning to be more open to people. And I am finding that as I go through transition, people (a variety of people) are becoming more willing to be more open with me.

[StephanieC]

My first social engagement after coming out was as a member of an LGBT choir. But the choir would periodically go out for drinks or dinner so I was exposed to the straight world and the parking situation sometimes meant I needed to walk some distance. When that choir dissolved, I was asked to join a church choir and that one was straight. Since then, I've been invited to join a number of lesbian groups. But I continue to have regular nights out with the LGBT community and those occur at straight places. I've heard a phrase I've tried to follow: "dance like no one's watching".

-stephani