Hate - A Birthday Rant

[dreamer_2.0]

It's such a strong word but it's become ubiquitous in my life.

I hate my life, what I am and what I've become.

I hate that today is my birthday and I couldn't care less. People wish me a happy birthday and I want to tell them to screw off.

Birthdays have just gotten worse over the years due to self-isolation. I hate the countless impersonal happy birthday messages on facebook from people I don't talk to.

I also hate today as it's a reminder of the day the universe made me a boy.

I hate that I don't know how to have fun anymore and socialize. I hate a good portion of humanity.

I hate that I'm so angry and pissed of so much of the time.

I hate being trans and don't want the garbage that comes along with this life.

A news app I've got on my iPad sends me transgender articles everyday. Sadly most of these are negative as they show how much hate there is in the world to trans people.

I hate this time of year with Halloween coming up and not being able to enjoy the costumes I like. I hate guy costumes and so don't bother dressing up. I hate having to explain to everyone that I simply dislike Halloween.

I hate "Movember". If you aren't sure what that is, it's a month where guys grow their mustaches for cancer research. I hate facial hair and especially mustaches and hate explaining to people that I don't want to participate.

I hate how i use to love so much and smile and now I just hate everything it seems.

I hate that it's 3:30pm and I've spent my birthday in bed, alone.

Last year I spent my birthday toasting myself in the mirror with a shot of vodka. This here it's weed instead.

I hate how suicide isn't an option to escape this piece of shit world.

[Cynthia Anne]

I'' hate'' how we sometimes isolate ourselves from our friends and end up full of self pity! Time to get up and smell the roses! If you let it be then their is good in everything! AND YES I'm ONE OF THOSE YOU HATE BECAUSE I WISHED YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY THIS MORNING! And now I'm doing it again! Happy birthday YOUNG LADY!!!:love:

[Amy A]

Hi there... the thing is, that I know whatever I say, you already know the truth. You admit yourself that you are living in a state of self isolation. I don't think you need telling that you need support, not just the internet type (although thats' always useful) but actual in-the-room conversation type support. If you do spend your time alone then loathing, both for yourself and the outside world, will quickly follow.

We all here know how utterly bleak things can get with gender dysphoria; my mood changes by the second. I sat behind my desk t work on Monday fighting back tears for no other reason than I was sick of all the cr*p that goes with all of this, and scared of the new reality of my life that I am facing. A friend convinced me to go to a gig with her and just by having people around me who accept me totally for who I am, suddenly things didn't seem so bad. For a while at least ;)

Please, for you own sake, get yourself back out into society. In whichever way you can... classes, support groups, whatever. And (and I mean this) Happy Birthday. Call a friend, go for a drink, have a go at enjoying yourself!

[Rachael Leigh]

I'm so sorry you have had such a difficult time with this day and with what life has brought you. I don't know all of what you have been thru but I can tell you there is hope in this world and you are loved. Our attitudes are all about choice. We can choose to hate ourselves or our lives or go out and live. Find a charity to work with or something such as that. I wish you the best.

[kimdl93]

Your issue is in isolating yourself. Instead of fixating on what you feel is imperfect in your life, I'd like to offer a simple exercise that is clinically proven to alleviate mild to moderate depression. Tonight before you go to bed, and every morning thereafter, think for a moment and write down six things you are grateful for in this life. Just six. Each days list can vary and you can repeat, but just think about what you are grateful for. It could be having a bed, it could be kittens. You could be grateful for being TS and knowing that you are a woman inside.

Then do as Amy suggests, and get out into the world.

[Julie Gaum]

Dreamer YOU ARE SO LUCKY and don't seem to know it! Example: Cynthia just announced that she's going into the hospital and doesn't know when she will be back; and yet there is so much love in her heart to take the time to wish you a happy birthday. And you hate her?
You hate the food and shelter you have and yet nearly a billion men, women and children will spend this day with little or no food or water, without shelter from sun, rain and snow --- nowhere to go, no future and no hope and you hate your life? As suggested, get out, volunteer in a soup kitchen if need be, meet people all around you pleading for help. Love life --- you have so much of it not found in liquor or drugs but in yourself unaided.
Six things a day to be grateful for? You bet and many more that are all around you if you would just open your eyes. Pity? Not from me.
Love? Yes.
Julie

[Marleena]

Hi Dreamer. I'm going to say happy birthday anyways, please don't tell me to screw off!:)

You have friends here going through similar daily struggles. Lord knows I could go off on a rant too.. and you are entitled to yours. Nobody in their right mind wants to be TS so I get it. I think we all get it. There are enough haters out there so don't go hating on yourself. Stop reading the negative crap, or at least take a break from it. Work towards positive steps to improve your own life. Sorry if I sound like your mom, I think I'm old enough to be your mom.:D

[Jorja]

I was really going to give you hell for your post because we all can see it comes from self pity but everyone else has already pointed that out to you. So instead, I will simply say Happy Birthday and that we love you because you are you. There can be much better days ahead if you allow them.

[whowhatwhen]

I hate how suicide isn't an option to escape this piece of shit world.

This resonates with me deeply as I feel the same way.
In a flash all the pain we feel will be gone, yet, we would be leaving an unbelievable amount of pain to others in our wake.

Are you seeing a therapist for your isolation issues?

[Paula Thomas]

Dreamer_grl - Please feel free to hate me to, because after reading your "rant" I wish you a Happy Birthday.

Perhaps you should not view a "birthday" as representing what you were born, but a "birth" day on which you have given "birth" to the you which you want to be.

You are always free to chose your own "birth" day.

In fact, Robert Louis Stevenson (the author) once gave HIS birthday to a young girl who hated that she was born on Christmas and did not feel that she ever had a celebration of her own birthday because every one was celebrating Christmas.

Robert told her that he had enjoyed his birthday, but was too old to celebrate any more and hoped that she would enjoy having his.

[Chickhe]

...you need to change your direction or you will end up very depressed. You can do something about most of those things on your list. You can wear a female costume for Halloween...just do it. One thing to remember, don't get upset over the things you can not change, and change the things that upset you. A lot of people hate birthdays...I hate mine because my parents ruined everyone throughout my life (ever get a gift you hate and then have the person giving the gift continuously ask you to tell them how much you like it?) and now it brings back bad memories. On my birthday I pretty much sequester myself and you would not believe some of the fallout that occurs.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I hate how suicide isn't an option to escape this piece of shit world.

THis resonates with me too...I felt exactly the same way...I never ever ever considered it, but I had lots of death thoughts...

Here's what you do..

Use it. Hate is a strong word. You may consider ALLOWING yourself to feel other emotions, let the hatred just be and when you feel it, resolve to do something about it..

when you do something , it goes away, it really does...

[thechic]

Hi there
I will keep it simple , !Happy Birthday! Life is not that bad.

[Angela Campbell]

I never know what to say when I see posts like this, because I have felt the same things before. I hope you feel better about life soon, it can happen, it did for me. Happy birthday anyway dear.

I have decided to change my birthday. The day the judge grants my legal name change will be my new birthday and the old one will belong to someone who doesn't exist anymore.

[CarlaWestin]

So now today is not your birthday. But it's a good time to reassess things and figure out what really makes you happy. I've found that small successes sometimes completely change my attitude. Really, when you get near what you perceive as rock bottom, the small stuff really has great meaning. Clean up something. Start a savings account. Go to Starbucks and pay for the customer behind you. Give five bucks to a homeless person. You've got 364 valuable non-birthdays to make small contributions to others and greatly enrich your sole. Kindness to others is just as self serving and satisfying as gender play. And quit hammering at yourself. There are too many real dire events in life that we have to endure to waste energy on the trivial self pity nonsense.

[Rianna Humble]

Carla, I don't think you understand how insulting you are when you dismiss acute gender dysphoria as "gender play" or how nasty you come across by qualifying Dreamer's anguish as "trivial self pity nonsense".

I do appreciate that you have no way of understanding what we transsexuals go through - it is as far outside of your frame of reference as your dress-up episodes are outside of the experience of anyone other than a cross-dresser - but to be very frank, you owe a very big apology to everyone here in the TS Forum.

[Angela Campbell]

Stealing from your other recent post You are sure not going to miss........feeling this way. One day you won't.

[arbon]

When people write these very raw, honest rants I just want to reach out and hug them

:hugs: Dreamer

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Rianna is being way too nice..

You may not understand this, but your message is offensive and hurtful at the deepest level you can imagine.

There is nothing trivial about our identities...it is not play to live your life as something you are not
We transition to survive
and some don't survive...its the reality of the transsexual condition.

I hope your message comes from total lack of knowledge of the transsexual condition and not some other place.

[whowhatwhen]

THis resonates with me too...I felt exactly the same way...I never ever ever considered it, but I had lots of death thoughts...

Interestingly enough just this morning I was talking with my therapist about living vs simply existing and the feelings surrounding it.
OP, If you're not already seeing someone I'd highly recommend it because having someone to talk to is incredibly helpful and important to deal with such strong feelings.

[dreamer_2.0]

Sometimes I wish we could turn comments off from our posts but other times I'm glad the comments are there.

Please don't be too hard on Carla's post. She actually provides some good ideas and I took no offence to anything she said (others appear to have though). This gender stuff certainly isn't trivial but there is definitely a lot of self-pity which other members commented on as well.

It's true, there is self-pity. It's not intentional (is it ever?) but certainly present. I recognize most of the issues in the OP are self-inflicted. I dug this hole and welcome comments attempting to snap me out of this depressing daze and reclaim life.

Not sure if this is rock bottom, recall I haven't even begun transitioning yet. This could potentially be the calm before the storm. Regardless, Thank you everyone for your comments, harsh or not. They help put things in perspective when everything feels like a mess.

I'm going to fall and fail time and time again. Thank you, ladies, for helping me up, dusting me off...and kicking my ass. More kicks will be needed in the future, pretty sure of that.

[Angela Campbell]

The worst days for me were the ones right before I decided to begin transition. At least so far.

[Marleena]

Thank you, ladies, for helping me up, dusting me off...and kicking my ass. More kicks will be needed in the future, pretty sure of that.

Well I was going to mention putting you over my knee but I'm not sure if you would have seen the humor in it yesterday.:)

I think you have your own answers anyways. Get on HRT to get that GD manageable. I had no choice and the timing was terrible but it has helped me immensely. Hope you're feeling better today, you sound better.:)

[arbon]

Sometimes I wish we could turn comments off from our posts but other times I'm glad the comments are there.



There is the journal section in safe haven if you want to write and not get comments, otherwise posting here people will comment, wish you happy birthday and otherwise try to make you feel better. Happy birthday, by the way :)


I'm going to fall and fail time and time again.

Why?

[Cheryl123]

Hi Dreamer ... I won't wish you a happy birthday because there is nothing happy about it, but I do send you a lot of love (you can hate me for that, I don't care ). Speaking as someone who's been there, you gotta to get out of bed, girl. Gender dysphoria is a monster. It kills. But you have to fight it. It makes you not want to fight .. that's the poison it is. It makes you think "what's the use .. nothing will ever get better." But you must fight ... you take one ****ing little step at a time. You know what the steps are.

And as you read this you're saying "yada yada yada". I know. I said "**ck this crap" when I first heard it But there is so much wonderful advise given here to your post. I hope some of it will light a spark in you. (Light your fire, baby .. you can do this)
Like AlmostALady said, someday you won't feel this way. And you can choose whether that day will come soon or whether you will go on for years and years living in this **it or whether it never comes and on your dying bed you shed a tear because you chose to live your entire life as a lie. When everything is a lie, you live alone, even though you are surrounded by others. They never know the real you, because you won't let them. I choose to live 90% of all the life I will ever have in this **it. You got a chance not to do that.

By all means continue to rant. I see it not as hatred but as anger. If you get angry enough, you can reach a point where you will can say "to hell with everything and everybody .. I don't care what the world thinks" and then you can drop your phony male personality and be you. That day will be your true birthday. I hope I can wish you a happy birthday soon, Dreamer Girl. Now I can only give you lots of love.

[CarlaWestin]

Carla, I don't think you understand how insulting you are when you dismiss acute gender dysphoria as "gender play" or how nasty you come across by qualifying Dreamer's anguish as "trivial self pity nonsense".

I do appreciate that you have no way of understanding what we transsexuals go through - it is as far outside of your frame of reference as your dress-up episodes are outside of the experience of anyone other than a cross-dresser - but to be very frank, you owe a very big apology to everyone here in the TS Forum. I've reread my ost and I do think the thoughts and advice were very generic and I truly had no intent of insulting. Please accept my apologies.

[Megan72]

Dreamer,
I am right there with you on all of this but somehow I don't think it was your birthdays fault. Happy birthday to you, an whenever you decide a new birthday related to your female self happy birthday to her as well!
Megan

[Amanda M]

Dreamer - three hours ago, I sat and watched a very special friend die. My wife was with me, and she had been sitting up all night with him, trying as best she could to make him comfortable. She was trembling, exhausted. Just at that momen I hated the world. Why us? Why the pain and indignity? It is all so bloody unfair.

Then, it struck me that what was wrong with me was, as you understand only too well, self pity. Pity for MY loss, not for my friend's life, nor my wife's hurt and pain.

That was a bad moment, but it opened my eyes to the fact that this really is the first day of the rest of our lives, and that we have the power (within limits) to decide how that life is going to be.. Let me tell you. Ours is going to be as good as I can make it. Even if your birthday was crap, you could make the next one special.

Just for the record, my special friend was just a cat. To the rest of the world, just a cat. But to us a reall, real friend.

[dreamer_2.0]

Amanda, in a few years (hopefully more than a few) I'll be saying goodbye to my own special friend. She may be just a cat but, like your friend, she is a true, special part of my life who I'll miss forever.

Self-pity is something I clearly struggle with and after living this way for so long it's become deeply ingrained. This skews my ability to perceive the world. I know there's good out there and that there's good in me (somewhere) but the blinders I'm wearing are seemingly locked in place with no key.

A lot of this is a mental game though, unlike video games, it isn't a game I'm good at. Like virtually anything, practice is required to improve though as I've lived in this rut so long I've grown comfortable being uncomfortable (does that make sense?). I'm wondering if perhaps I simply don't want to change, don't want to improve, don't want to live a real life. Who knows...

I'm very sorry for your loss, Amanda. He may have been "just" a cat, but I understand the connection people develop with their pets. They're essentially family.

[Anne2345]

Damn good rant, girlfriend. Damn good! If I didn't know better, I would have thought I wrote that myself at some time in the past. Except that I would have used some language that would have been asterisked out by the forum filters. lol. I hope you feel better for it. It's hard to beat the positive, healthy effects of a good rant every now and then, just exploding with emotion, and let it all out for all to see in all of its glory, pain, frustration, and anger.