Transition = Freedom, Freedom to "relax into myself."

[melissaK]

In Arbon's thread about "Going Back" Bad Tranny and Kelly Jameson got on a theme that resonated with me and my experience - namely transition = freedom.

I spent decades talking myself into the courage to transition MTF and then when I broke the news to spouse and kids and survived and then started down this path I thought I wanted, I realized everything looked different to me, and I paused and looked around, searched within myself, and I altered my path to a gender outlaw.

Why? Some here speculate I am an aborted transitioner because I am not a true TS; some speculate it's because I lost courage and became afraid. I have certainly speculated as much myself. But those explanations don't resonate with me.

What prompted this post is this, before I could start down the road of transitioning, what I had to first give myself was FREEDOM. Freedom to stop being who I was. Freedom to be who I wanted to be. Freedom to find an expression of myself and to "relax into it" as Kelly said.

I am still learning to relax into myself. I learned to repress not just my cross gender nature, but also my hugely Bohemian nature (the practice of an unconventional lifestyle), all so I would be approved of by others.

This grant of freedom to myself really has changed my life in a profound way. Long hair, gender conflicted clothes, I am casting the image of a social rebel. And I couldn't be happier. I mean I still get scared, I still have self doubts on days, and finding the gender balance I want to "relax into" is a bit trial and errorish, but yikes I am happier.

Has the freedom to transition led anyone else to make other changes aside from typical gender changes?

And if you have time, here's Elayna Boynton singing with Anthony Hamilton on his song Freedom (great lyrics, so its the lyrics on screen version). . . 4Sz9v6080_g

[Kaitlyn Michele]

This resonates with me Melissa..Freedom is huge..

I retired...I make music and take care of my kids...I do and wear what I want...I was gifted with many blessings in life despite my gender problem ....I took full advantage of the good things God gave me

...as my problem exploded..I stepped away from a high pressure high paying job..giving up big$$$, but I made the choice to concentrate on a successful transition for me and my family...my workmates couldn't fathom it, my family feared it, and my ts friends chided me over my unique choices... oh well... I did it my way...it was exhilarating

... so many times in life we are coached to be our best self, to do what's right (for yourself--in a good way), to have courage and confidence in ourselves, to love WHO WE ARE...

and at the same time we are expected to conform to rigid stereotypes and values that by there existence deny our own reality... and we are ironically forced to say F*** the world, and its generally not appreciated and embraced that we actually walk the walk that so many other people only talk about..

so three cheers for us.. we are doing the right thing and if that's a bit outside the box, so be it..

[LeaP]

Has the freedom to transition led anyone else to make other changes aside from typical gender changes?


First, I'm glad you found a solution that makes you happy and solves the problem. Hopefully, it will be all you need. I do not see your decision in the same light as a detransition, however. You made, and are living, an affirmative decision. There is no identity error, no planning issue, no inability to cope, etc. May we all do as well.

In answer to your question, no. So far it's looking like transition along fairly conventional lines. But don't think alternatives don't cross my mind constantly, and for any number of reasons.

[Marleena]

Melissa I'm happy for you! Do you know how many people go through their whole lives never finding happiness? I'm not sure if your "gender outlaw" label is correct though? You were dealing with GD and started the transition process, why wouldn't you be a (TS) woman? SRS doesn't define if you're TS or not as far as I'm concerned. That would disqualify people who couldn't get it for whatever reason. I respect you just as much as any postop woman because you're dealing with this and have found a solution for you.:)

[Rianna Humble]

Like previous posters, I am happy that you appear to have found balance by transitioning to "Gender Outlaw" (nice phrase by the way). Unlike some, I do not believe that you have necessarily to be a trans woman or trans man to have suffered from Gender Dysphoria. I think that the WPATH professionals got it right when they said that some Gender Non Conforming (their version of Gender Outlaw) people need a degree of Hormone Therapy to help to alleviate their Gender Dysphoria, but that this does not make those people TS in every case.

[melissaK]

For more on "Gender Outlaw" please go read Kate Bornstein's books. Kate did the MTF SRS thing, and I'm grossly parapharasing, but she wasn't happy living under the pressure to be a perfect F. She thought there needed to be a middle ground for many many of us. I think she coined the phrase "Gender Outlaw" and titled one of her books that. IMHO her book "My Gender Workbook" ought to be read by everyone thinking about transitioning.

(And Rianna, thanks for matching up Bornstein with the WPATH point of view. IMHO everyone who thinks about transition oughta join WPATH too. I have been a member for a long time, and read quite a bit from them, or from their individual members.)

But back to my OP point, having a Bohemian nature, an irreverence for power and authority, an appreciation for those who look at life differently, is a helpful lead in for me to occupy a Gender Outlaw role. So, could I be outlaw without this Bohemian nature? Or is my Bohemian nature the result of my MTF issues? I think that is really what I am trying to winnow out by asking others:

Has your personality expressed itself differently (other than doing stereotypical F gender acts) once you gave yourself freedom to transition??

[Marleena]

I guess I have some reading to do.:) My point was I respect everybody that starts the process of transition wherever they end up. We are all struggling or did struggle for the postops.

[mary something]

There are lots of women who are "gender outlaws", although they wouldn't phrase it that way probably

[KellyJameson]

If you think of gender as an intellectual concept than a baby does not know its gender but usually by three a child will have definite opinions about whether they are a boy or girl.

Some of this was taught directly by the labels adults and other children apply but some of this was self taught by comparision.

Few transsexuals experience the luxury of being able as children to dictate their gender so most, almost all, accept the label given to them and for a transsexual this label is imposed on them because they will feel a continous conflict between the label and their own beliefs derived from their own experiences

This is the beginning of identity conflict and its severity will decide the fate of the child and how the transsexual story plays out.

The child may relent and accept the label setting the stage for the conflict to re-emerge later in the life or the child may go into psychosis and subsequent neuroticism which in my opinion is the precursor to GID.

This splits the child in two between the adult world of one label and the known world of the other label. Fantasy becomes the only place the child may live their true and natural gender if the fear of adults and other children is to great and oppressive.

The child lives with two selves inside one body. The false gender projected for others and the silent, secret gender of the known and actual self that becomes private (known) or repressed (unknown but felt)

This becomes a person trying to serve two masters creating tension inside the individual as they feel the pull in two different directions trying to satisfy the demands of both genders so encompassing the whole gender binary not from the freedom and luxury of having a fully formed gender identity but by not having one at all.

There are two reasons a person can be a gender outlaw. Healthy fully formed gender identity that allows for flexibility and experimentation or Sickness as an expression of having no identity that is continually searching for one in frustration, looking for resolution.

It depends on what place you are coming from that determines what kind of gender outlaw you will or can be.

When your external appearance and the life you live with this appearance (social gender) matches your internalized self image as your known gender you are on the path to becoming a complete human being as "a human being with an intact identity" which is moving toward the experience of psychological health.

You can take risks and experiment with gender because you know the answer and experience of gender already as the "self" or you are pushed to take risks and experiment in search of self.

One is a choice to "expand the self" and one is not a choice so is a compulsion to "find the self"

[StephanieC]

I really wish the choices were straightforward.

I do think gender sometimes gets in the way. I really just want to be me...which, I guess, is how I read "find the self". It's giving myself permission to do things that others may consider inappropriate for my age, my gender, my social group...whatever. For me, it's somewhat akin to the saying "dance like no one is watching".

-stephani

[Badtranny]

I've said it before; Transition is not the only way to be true to yourself regardless of being TS or not.

Crossdressing and/or presenting as a woman is elevated to penultimate status around here. I understand it, but all that does is divide your options and limit your expression.

We throw this TS condition around like we have a leash on it. We don't. No one does. Some people might have a profound sense of being mis-gendered by life but are completely unable to do anything about it. These people need to learn to accept themselves and find a way to express their nature WITHOUT cross-dressing. Find away to become a better realized person without relying on clothes or the culturally defined trappings of femininity.

People like MelissaK are exploring their own boundaries and doing the hard work that it takes to live an authentic life. In my mind just saying you feel like a woman inside so you need to dress like one and flounce around is emotionally and intellectually lazy. Freedom is earned by doing the work and honestly dealing with who you are, whomever that may be. People talk about transition like it's the holy grail but it most certainly is not. Especially if it doesn't make you feel whole and normal. I can honestly say I feel comfortable in my skin finally and this female expression is a very natural reality for me. This is a feeling that we should have, and transition isn't the only way to get there.

I keep talking about the clothes because crossdressing is the most misunderstood aspect of the TS condition. There is nothing wrong with enjoying certain articles of clothing or a certain style of dressing but there is a fine line between a fashion addiction and a fetish. When you cross into the realm of wearing something because it makes you 'feel like a woman', then I think you will find transition to be quite disappointing. My TS roomie and I don't flounce around the house in bras and panties. In fact I'm wearing sweats and an old fleece that I used to wear to the track back when I was a dude right now. My expression of who I am is really disconnected from the 'clothes', yet I really do enjoy dressing up on occasion and I do love fashion magazines. What I'm trying to say is, be honest with yourself about who you are. Be honest about what you enjoy.

There is a lot of amended narratives around here and I think it's because those who truly feel gender conflicted don't want to be divorced from the coveted TS label by admitting they get a boner when they wear panties. Perhaps it doesn't matter. There is only one way to PROVE you're TS anyway, and that's to transition. Barring that you are somewhere in the middle right? Well do yourself a favor and stop giving clothes so much power. Relax and give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you're feeling. If men and women wore the exact same stuff, would you still feel the urge to dress? Or would you still want to 'come out'? What MelissaK is describing is a life on the outside of culturally accepted gender presentation and that goes much deeper than what she's wearing. Just like who I am goes MUCH deeper than what I'm wearing.

[sandra-leigh]

A year or so ago when I was even more depressed than I am now, I dressed pretty plainly for a number of months, including in public and including at the local CD support group. When you are finding it hard to care about anything, it is hard to care about anything. The more I came out of it, the better I felt about myself, the more obviously I dressed. Outsides reflecting inside.

Do the clothes help make me "feel like a woman"? Yes, to some extent. If circumstances force me to hide myself for extended periods, my insides start to feel like a drain clogging up, dirty grungy bits pooling inside me and the stench growing; being able to reveal myself in obvious ways allows me to run clear -- unblock my chi, the Chinese might say.

Another factor is that since (apparently) my face does not "pass" even with makeup and hair cues, wearing more obvious clothes helps cue people on how I prefer to be treated. Habitually seeing me in more obvious female mode helps people to more habitually think of me as female. The back-flow of recognition in turn helps to settle me internally, helps me to settle into myself more, makes it more "real".

Keep in mind here that my Reason is having a hard time "proving" or "disproving" that I am transsexual, so I am having to go by where the sharp pains are, and by what "feels right" as I experience it. The more I flow experiencing life as female and internally adjusting to it, the more that people treat me as female, leading me to experience it more... A positive-reinforcement cycle. I have decades of internal barriers to wear down.