Why being outed is so scary

[Briana90802]

What are we afraid of? Really? What makes the prospect of having our friends and family find out so terrorizing? Is it just embarrassment? Or are we afraid of what people will think of us? Even though those things in the long run don't really matter.

[Beverley Sims]

It is embarrassment as to what people will perceive as to what you may be.

[CDPheobe]

Some situations can make it scary. Mine is different. I wear my shorts and shave my legs now. My kids( both girls) notice my legs and just say they are smoother than theirs. Lol. Both my kids saw a pic of me and my wife with me en fem so I can't say scary anymore. I'm more open to say a skirt or dress will look good on me. My wife and kids joke about my cding a lot when we see something related to it. I'm very comfy wearing girly things just around the house like tight spandex excersize pants.

[Kate Simmons]

Some may feel it will affect how others look at them and perhaps affect their livelihood and employment and ability to provide for their family.I'm past that so don't have to be concerned with it.:)

[Carla Stevens]

For me it's the fear of loosing those around me that I care for. People are often afraid of what they don't understand & will reject you & this is something that bothers me.

[GaleWarning]

Cross dressing teachers are misunderstood.

[cupcake]

There is way to much of an unknown, at least for me anyway. Will you be accepted, rejected? Or even if you're out and minding your own business will you be accosted by some bigoted jerks? The unknown is a scary thing. And I don't have enough knowledge to shift it from unknown to calculated risk.

[linda allen]

We are afraid of losing friends and family, losing our jobs or chances of advancing in our jobs.

There are two worlds here, the real one we live in and interact with real people in, and the Internet world where all our contacts are with "virtual" people.

In the real world world, crossdressers are often viewed as perverts or worse. In the Internet world, pretty much anything is OK somewhere.

[Rachael Leigh]

I think it has a lot to do with rejection, I know it does for me, I've had a lot of that in life and to just open this up for all to see well I would be a mess. It's difficult enough when your SO is not that understanding even if she knows so no I would not care to be outed unless I chose to do it.

[kimdl93]

It's more the fear of outright rejection than simple embarrassment. Some rightly fear the loss of affection, a marriage or a job, as Linda and others have observed. All devastating possibilities.

[Erica Marie]

I think mainly we worry about what people will think of us.
Pervert
Gay
Drag queen

Instead if they take the time to get to know us and what we go through to be who we are inside, they may think different. But to many people judge the book by its cover.

[Kelli Ca]

Hi Briana, great topic, ill really have to think on it

[Jocelyn Quivers]

I think some of it has to do with the mind set some of the Gen X and older members still have and possibly younger members to, me included. Back before the days of the "World Wide Web/Information Super Highway", you essentially thought you were the only that was TG, outside of really bad presentations in the media (Jerry Springer, COPS, Silence of the Lambs etc.) As a result a lot of people basically evolved throughout their life with philosophy of staying in the closet at all cost, try to be normal and hope you will change, and never let anyone find out or else. (Insert your worse case scenario here-divorce, job loss, family disowning you, etc.). Even to this day it still affects me somewhat, although I am no longer nowhere near as terrified of being outted as I used to be. Example's being no longer traveling 200 plus miles to go shopping, shopping by myself, no longer making excuses for why I shave, buy women's clothes, make up, wigs etc. I think future generations of TG will not be quite as scared of being outted anymore because at least they no they are not the only one, in most cases parents being more supportive or at least open minded and not taking the standard BOYS DO NOT WEAR GIRLS CLOTHES EVER, EVER, EVER!!!!; Mindset.

[Lynn Marie]

What are we afraid of? Really? What makes the prospect of having our friends and family find out so terrorizing? Is it just embarrassment? Or are we afraid of what people will think of us? Even though those things in the long run don't really matter.

Maybe you're too young to be aware of the fact that being outed could cost you your marriage, family, career, and whole bunches of your friends. Maybe those things "don't really matter".

[Nikki A.]

Reality, the possible lost of advancement in my career or possible loss of my job.
In my imagination, the loss of those that are close to me. Although those that I have opened up to have all been OK and accepting.

[reb.femme]

One CD near me, had a window broken by kids and as my brother quite happily stated and I paraphrase, "what did he f...ing expect, he's a f...ing tranny". Nice!

So not always just a stare to be worried about, physical harm is a very real and ever present worry. Plus, why should a wife, kids, family suffer because of our selfish desire to be out. Maybe selfish is a harsh word, but utilised more for the sake of emphasis.

Rebecca

[franlee]

The loses for the individual can be very heavy such as, friends, family and even occupations, but the pain and ridicule those people in your life will face due to your decision and life style is very real. There is more to the consequences then we can plan for because each situation is inundated with variables. Being outed for most of us would be a relief if it were that simple.

[Violet-13]

If my father found out, he would probity disown me and think it was his fault

[Rogina B]

On the other hand,when people around you learn that the real you is a bit different than they thought,then perhaps a reality check occurs for the positive! Those that REALLY care for you continue,and those that don't go away.And that opens the door to making new friends as the real you..

[Eryn]

The unfortunate fact is that just about any cretin can make a blatant anti-TG statement and few will call them on it. This is the mindset of our society. In this climate I'm hardly anxious to be outed to people who still equate transgenderism with perversion. While I am somewhat protected by legislation, there are some who would take it as their mission to skirt the laws in order to do me harm.

[katssun]

Because you never really know how someone will react until it is too late to take it back.

It's a strange thing, you think you know someone, you think they'll be accepting of it...but they're not.

[Pandys]

Living in a small town being outed would mean a complete change of life. If my dressing was more important than my job, home and current life, than it would be no big deal. I enjoy dressing sometimes but I do not want to disrupt the rest of my life for it (at least for now). I am not "trapped in a man's body" so for me the cost far outweighs any possible advantages.
I am not by any means trying to take anything away those of you who are brave enough to be out there and are not concerned how others think about them.
In a perfect word nobody would care, In my world it does mater. I will continue to go to unusual lengths to buy things without outing myself.
I guess it boils down to every thing has a price, it is up to each of us to decide whether or not we want to pay it.

[Briana90802]

So what I'm hearing is basically we fear losing things? Losing loved ones?

[Jenniferathome]

We're human beings. We're social animals. In the most fundamental sense we want a harmonic society. Even those at the fringes are part of groups (sub-societies) that are harmonic. It's just human nature.

[Denise Johnson]

I think the fear of losing things, people and such And the always present fear of bodily harm.

[Meg East]

Change the word "fear" to "prospect"; for many of us coming out of the closet has real dire consequences for our personal and professional lives.

[ShriekCassandra]

You would never be seen from the same angle again and can never be fully certain how they would react, even the ones you've known all your life. I wouldn't particularly care about passing friends and acquaintances dropping ties with me but couldn't bare the thought of seeing members of my family upset and confused over it, especially my mother and grandparents whom I've always been very close with.

[HelenR2]

People like to be noticed, hate to be judged. The more comfortable we are with ourselves the less we are hurt by others' opinions.

[Tina_gm]

For much of my life, I rejected the CDing. I suppressed it, cursed it, feared it, denied it. My life became only the masculine side. Married with kids, never ever told anyone about me. Hid my femininity as best I could, and still do for the most part. So now everyone who knows me as friends, work, family (except wife) only knows the one side. And I am now living in a very small rural-ish community. If I was to come out, there would be many very negative consequences for me. I would lose friends. My kids would suffer at school. Some of my family would likely have a lot of difficulty with it. My wife would suffer immensely as well. I created my surroundings and now I have to live with them, or make my wife and kids suffer because of me. I wish it was different. Call it whatever anyone wants to, but the consequences of coming out of the CD closet are enough to keep me in it.

[Cheryl T]

It's the fear that those who we love and who love us will turn on us and leave. The loss of family and friends is difficult at best to bear. We are social beings and crave the company and approval of others and losing it from those we love can devastate some.

[Alison1842]

Personaly for me its simpler. It's a cut off from the shit i deal with in the real world every day. Its about being diffrent, wearing what ever feals right (even if it ends up as anouther disasterous compilation "outfit" being too kinda word). Its more of a escape. I spend all days covered in filth at work for long hours. Nights i can just be me, experiment and have a laugh.

Whilst sometimes i mix the two a bit, this side of me im just not overly egar to share its self with the world. I realy could not care less what others think about either sides of me.

I do agree though we live in a very very catogrized world. Personaly i don't see the need to catogrize things much beyond human. Most people like catogories, it gives them a deffinition, closure excuses and reasons. I just simply don't see the need.

[Taylor Ray]

people who still equate transgenderism with perversion.

Eryn hit the nail on the head: cross dressing is considered by society at large as a perversion. Perverted is defined as: being of an unnatural or abnormal kind; turned from what is right; wicked; misguided; distorted.

I don't feel fear at being judged as perverted, but I do feel indignation. After all, if people are going to judge me, well then, I can start lining them up and judging them as well, most likely for being mediocre and small minded beings.

But who wants endless war?

[Alison1842]

Think about it a bit, wearing clothes of any description is technically unnatural! Heck there's no other species on the planet that wears clothing, at best a layer of mud? But that could be more akin to a poor man's or more likely pig sun screen!

[SusieB]

I am married to a wonderful woman for thirty six years. While she still has the capacity to surprise me I am confident that on this issue I can predict her reaction. Put simply, I dont believe I could handle how dissapointed she would be in me. I hate the closet, its a very lonely place but its preferable to hurting the most important person in my life. The ridicule and scorn which I would be subjected to by others would be bearable if that was the only issue.

[Dianne S]

So what I'm hearing is basically we fear losing things? Losing loved ones?

Yes, that. And also fear of the unknown. Not knowing how someone will react can be terrifying.

I'm out to my wife and to my mother. There's no way I would come out to my kids until they are adults, and also not to my siblings... I do not think they'd react well.

[Badtranny]

It's fascinating to me that after reading every post, I've noticed that a majority of the posters are of the conservative persuasion. (an assesment gleaned from their past comments)

It would indeed be difficult to admit to your like minded friends that you are one of the people that you have ALL marginalized over the years. We live in a world that we created, and now we reap the harvest.

I've seen many people my age (45) and older here bemoan that if they were young today, they would live differently. To that I say, the kids today are living in a world that THEY are creating. They are slowly turning the page on the bigotry and intolerance of their parents and grand parents and while many here say they celebrate this new freedom, those same people would also vote all those kids right back into the closet if given half a chance.

If coming out would be a disaster in your life, and it may very well be, stop and think about the life you've created and false image you have propagated in order for that to be so.

[Dianne S]

It's fascinating to me that after reading every post, I've noticed that a majority of the posters are of the conservative persuasion.

I am not conservative as far as lifestyle choices go. But I do not feel it is right to burden my minor children with knowledge of my crossdressing. Sometimes, one has to think of others' emotions and security too.

[Ressie]

Coming out just isn't that important to me. Yeah, the fear has been with me my whole life, but I've never had the desire to dress in public so why tell friends, family, coworkers, employers, clients etc. that I cross dress at home? If I'm outed somehow it won't be that big of a deal at this point of my life, but I don't have any reason to out myself either.

[Ceri Anne]

For me it's the fear of loosing those around me that I care for. People are often afraid of what they don't understand & will reject you & this is something that bothers me.

This pretty well sums it up. Fear of loosing a spouse, your kids, your family, even close friends turning on you, your job. These are all very real and important things that DO matter in the long run. What someone who sees me at a restaurant or at the mall thinks, matters not. I don't really think it has a great deal to do with embarrassment to those of us who have been out and about, but the fear of loss, yes.

[JennyLynn]

Badtranny
Your name defines you. I'm so mad at your post, I could spit nickels! I'm conservative and your comment about reaping what I've sowed? You have been watching way too much tv! I and all my conservative friends are so far from what you think of us, that it really points out who the truly closedminded people are. Check a mirror!
Tolerant, you are not.
Jenny

[JennyLynn]

By the way, Nobody has a "Right" to NOT be offended, but we all have a responsibility to not be offensive.

[Badtranny]

Gosh Jenny, I'm sorry for totally mis-characterizing conservatives as being un-accepting at best and hostile at worst. How in the world could I think such a thing. I've clearly been watching too much TV.

Please accept my completely sarcastic apology for being so demonstrably intolerant.

[Lorileah]

I am not conservative as far as lifestyle choices go. But I do not feel it is right to burden my minor children with knowledge of my crossdressing. Sometimes, one has to think of others' emotions and security too.

just a quick question here. Do you allow your children to watch evening sitcoms? Do you have in your house some sort of video game base? Are all your games for that for kids under say 6? Do you allow your kids fast food? How often? Thinking of security for the children, sexual and violent themes are daily life. Yet something like wearing a piece of clothing needs their protection? You "protect" them from something that is basically benign yet expose them to things that could be harmful? Seems priorities are sort of backwards.

[Brooklyn]

Despite all the progress over the last 40 years, there remain numerous privileges in most places for completely "straight" people. If you are a hetero CDer, you can enjoy those privileges - if you keep things private.

I am out, and there ARE consequences, most of which I don't care about. Being out can hurt your career in certain fields, however. And maybe you have a thick skin, but how would you feel about your kids being bullied because dad is openly trans? Are you okay with not being able to find a date for long periods of time?

Of course, the consequences of coming out will diminish when more of us do it and set good examples. You can't stay in the closet and then complain about acceptance. And before you out yourself, you better have a pretty firm handle on who you are, because some folks will not be understanding and a few will be downright nasty to you.

[Michelle789]

Lorileah it it on the nose. We really fear the wrong things in life. We let our kids eat high fructose corn syrup, which is probably the most destructive thing we can do. Oh and it's okay to give the kids a key at age 5 and expect them to play "adult" while both parents are working until midnight.



It's fascinating to me that after reading every post, I've noticed that a majority of the posters are of the conservative persuasion. (an assesment gleaned from their past comments)

There's degrees of conservative and liberal. A lot of liberals might be liberal in many areas but not accept CD/TG. Some conservatives may be conservative in many areas but be accepting of CD/TG.



while many here say they celebrate this new freedom, those same people would also vote all those kids right back into the closet if given half a chance.

I think a lot of the older generation may be jealous of the opportunities the younger ones have. Denial is also quite rampant.



If coming out would be a disaster in your life, and it may very well be, stop and think about the life you've created and false image you have propagated in order for that to be so.
I think being outed would be a headache rather than a disaster. Here's why.
* I think my parents would not disown me, but would rather guilt trip me. I fear a confrontation with them, and hearing potential guilt trips on why I should not CD (or transition if that's what I end up doing).
* I fear being judged by my friends, or having them say they're shocked, I never expected you to be a CD (yet at the same time I think many people at least suspect something feminine about me)
* The two biggest fears or fear of rejection, from friends or family who will leave or disown us; and confrontations or explaining to do with the rest
* There are always people who sadly don't accept CD/TG/TS.

[Launa]

For most being outed is the complete unknown as others have said.

If there was a sure answer that we know would happen if we were outed in a situation then it would make things a lot easier to make decisions on what to do or not to do.

But if you never take any chances in life then you've never lived.

[linda allen]

I am conservative on some issues and progressive on some others. I would think everyone is, the world is not "black and white". How I feel about crossdressing is not important, it's how those around me feel that is important to me. I'm retired so losing a job is not a concern of mine, but losing friends and family or just dealing with their reactions to my dressing is, that's why I keep it from them.

I am a crossdresser, not a transsexual, transgender or whatever so my feelings may well be different on this issue than some.

[Briana90802]

just a quick question here. Do you allow your children to watch evening sitcoms? Do you have in your house some sort of video game base? Are all your games for that for kids under say 6? Do you allow your kids fast food? How often? Thinking of security for the children, sexual and violent themes are daily life. Yet something like wearing a piece of clothing needs their protection? You "protect" them from something that is basically benign yet expose them to things that could be harmful? Seems priorities are sort of backwards.

There is something you forgot in your argument. Exposing them to something is ok, allowing them unrestricted access is another. Like all things we need moderation. Some tv is good, too much is bad. Moderated candy, good. A lot can be bad. With the moderation come the parental explanation as to why it's bad. Same goes with CDing, it can be good or bad, but without the explanation it can do more harm than good. Kind like do as I say, not as I do.

Also "protecting" them by not exposing them is hurting them. They need to be exposed, they need to have that explanation.

So my point is that everyone needs the explanation.

[Dianne S]

just a quick question here. Do you allow your children to watch evening sitcoms?

Selected ones.


Do you have in your house some sort of video game base?

Nope.


Are all your games for that for kids under say 6?

Not applicable, and anyway my youngest kid is 11.


Do you allow your kids fast food? How often?

Very seldom. My wife is big-time into nutrition and makes sure we all eat mostly healthy food with not too much junk. Certainly no pop, which is a killer.


Thinking of security for the children, sexual and violent themes are daily life.

That is true and it's certainly something we discuss with them.


Yet something like wearing a piece of clothing needs their protection?

No, not at all. I'm perfectly happy to talk to them about crossdressing in the abstract as well as transsexualism, and they get it and understand it. However, when it comes to me, that's a different story: It opens them up to all kinds of teasing from peers. It's also a very different experience to accept alternate lifestyles in the abstract vs. in one of your family members.


You "protect" them from something that is basically benign yet expose them to things that could be harmful?

You made quite a few incorrect assumptions. Also, I am not protecting them from my crossdressing; I am protecting them from blowback from their peers. I agree that we should fight for acceptance among the mainstream, but that is my fight. It is not fair of me to enlist my children in that fight or to demand that they keep a difficult secret from their peers.

[GeorgeA]

While the fear of ridicule and rejection is important, my biggest fear is to be perceived "a homosexual". While I am supportive of their rights and have nothing against them for what they are, I do not want to be included in their ranks. Even my own parents, when they discovered my CDing thought I was gay. And they were well educated and cultured people. The average population is much less so. So their perception of crossdressing is based on popular TV shows and such.

[irishsissy]

I was scared for years, and then when I did decide to come out there was a huge burden lifted from myself. I found out that most of my old friends accepted me. And the one,s who did,nt probably were,nt really true friends anyways. And my new friends are the best friends I,ve ever had. And as far as family goes,, Well, they always knew I had a fem side anyways.

[JenniferYager]

While the fear of ridicule and rejection is important, my biggest fear is to be perceived "a homosexual". While I am supportive of their rights and have nothing against them for what they are, I do not want to be included in their ranks. Even my own parents, when they discovered my CDing thought I was gay. And they were well educated and cultured people. The average population is much less so. So their perception of crossdressing is based on popular TV shows and such.

I'll second this. I'm not gay, but being known as a crossdresser would get me that label. And I don't really want to wind up on TV. I'm sure I would get skewered by the media.

[NicoleScott]

Here we go again. Another attempt to shame CDers out of their closet. We will come out when we are damn good and ready, just like you did.

[Taylor Ray]

While the fear of ridicule and rejection is important, my biggest fear is to be perceived "a homosexual". While I am supportive of their rights and have nothing against them for what they are, I do not want to be included in their ranks.

Wow. I wonder what their ranks entail. Must be something real offensive and unacceptable.

Wouldn't ever be associated with "them gays."

Really? I mean, Really?

Wow sister: not only aren't we on the same page; we may be in different quadrants of the Universe.

[mary something]

"them gays"

I'm not sure I can find a font big enough to express my LOL correctly ;)

Doesn't it bother people that NO ONE KNOWS WHO THEY ARE? Wouldn't it feel really nice to know you don't have some awful secret to hide anymore? So what if someone thinks you're gay? Isn't there much worse things that someone could be?

BadTranny had a point about the conservative leanings, I've noticed it too.