Will the pain ever go?

[Maryanne_sa]

I have just got home from an evening in the pub to celebrate my nephew’s birthday.

Although it was a lovely evening, for the most part, all I felt was pain! Why?

Because, I was surrounded by lovely young women, wearing lovely clothes, make-up, looking pretty and so at ease chatting with each other and enjoying themselves.

The reason for the pain was that I am one of those who is transitioning rather late in life, and I will never have the experience of being a young women, free to wear the clothes, make-up and hairstyles that I so envied when I was young. It’s the same pain I felt when I was young and looking at the women and knowing that I should be with them, and to be one of them.

To those of you who are young and conflicted about your gender and are confused, I say, please, go to a therapist and explore in depth your gender identity, and who and what you are, before you get involved in relationships, get married, and years down the road, it all falls apart. It is only a very few very lucky individuals who’s spouse’s will end up accepting you and staying with you.

Don’t get me wrong. I am loving being free to dress and live as the women I have always been. So much better late than never. But how much better it would have been to do so from a young age?

No, this pain will always be there!

[Kimberly Kael]

I know exactly where you're coming from, but there's zero value in dwelling on it. You may have missed that opportunity, but so did a lot of young women who grew up in repressive cultures, with ultra-conservative families, or who grew up poor. You weren't uniquely singled out in this respect. None of which means it isn't unfortunate, but more importantly it just is.

I do my best to live my life focusing on the challenges and problems I have influence over. "What can I do to make a better tomorrow for myself and others?" is a question that can result in positive change, whereas asking the same about yesterday is just a waste of time.

[Darla]

Oh Maryanne! Everybody will see the grass as greener -- and I envy you with the freedom to dress and do as you please. There are plenty of middle aged men (such as myself) who built a wall around their desires hoping to choke them off. And now I have a fraction of the freedoms I want, with a middle aged lifestyle, dependants I love so deeply and strongly, but with the need to express myself without being able to. So yes - I mourn the loss of my youth with the added twist of my youth should have been as a young woman. Living, learning, dressing, making friends, loving and doing all the things that are a given to over 50% of the population.

So please don't feel envy or jealousy. You are where you are. I am where I am. Where do you want to be and what will you do to get there. At the end of the day you only answer to you.

A really big heartfelt hug.

Darla

[Anne2345]

What Kimberly Kael so eloquently wrote!

As for will the pain ever go away - not so long ago I didn't think it would be possible for it to ever go away. Now I believe otherwise. I think I can and will make this work. I will have my hard-fought day in the sun, and leave the past exactly where it needs to be - in the past. We do what we can. Whatever we missed in the past, that is gone. Work on what you can change and make more workable for yourself now. Easier said than done, and as you said, better late than never, right? The thing is, you are now the master of your own path. You choose the direction you shall take. I hope you choose the path that leads to happiness. I have been told that it does exist. And I am really, truly beginning to think it does. But it clearly takes a lot of work and total commitment. So it's up to you . . . .

[Janice Ashton]

Exactly the same here Maryanne, too old, too late but glad to be Janice today who I have hidden away for so may years, born too soon comes to mind because if I had come out when I was in my teens? I am very sure I would have been treated vey differently than the acceptance I get today and the help from my GP and the NHS.
I fully empathise with your thoughts and feelings..

[Maryanne_sa]

Kimberly,you are so right. For the most part, I don't dwell on it, and I am generally happy where I am now, living my life freely as a women. I have been on hormones now for a year and a half, and apart from the physical benefits, they have given me much peace of mind. Occasionally, as with yesterday all the old hurts and regrets surface, but this rarely happens, fortunately.

Darla, I'm so sorry that you have such limited freedom, as I know from past what that was like. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I too, have a wonderful family whom I love dearly. They are all independent now with their own lives, and my wife and I, although separated, remain very good friends. I must count my blessings more often, as I am happy where I am now, late in life though it is.

Anne, your last sentence is so true. At the end of the day it is up to ourselves, and I do choose to be happy, and make the most the rest of my life, and just get over the wobbles that rear up from time to time.

Louise, Isn't it wonderful to finally be ourselves?

[Melissa Cross]

I am also a "late bloomer" and I was talking to a friend about this issue last night. Just like anything in life, we cannot dwell on the past and we need to enjoy and appreciate our womanhood even at an older age. It is important to focus on the positive fact that you are now living as your true self.

Melissa

[kimdl93]

Again, I agree the past is gone, so let it go. But I also agree that younger people, who feel as we do, should begin their explorations early, and if this life is right for them, embrace it earlier than many of us late bloomers. It's not just the promise of youth, soft skin, lean bodies and for some perhaps even beauty. It's the chance to avoid decades of self doubt, repression and regret.

[Marleena]

I get caught up in this trap too. My biggest regret is not transitioning in my twenties when I really wanted to.. badly. I see it as a missed opportunity. I can try to forget about it but the reminders of what could have been still bother me. It gets triggered so innocently at times. It can be a younger member in the photo gallery here or just driving down the road when college is getting out. It's like crap, I missed out on a lot of happiness.

Don Henley's song "Boys of Summer" has a line in there that says, A little voice inside my head said:
"Don't look back, you can never look back" . I find myself looking for the video every once in a while.

Hopefully more parents will see the warning signs and help their children be happy. It's getting better.

[Rogina B]

Like everyone has said"you can't change the past,so no sense dwelling on it..There are mentions of "missed happiness" in a few responses..To that,I will say"MAYBE"....People here are responding from a position of strength in what they "think they would have wished for,had they "HAD the opportunity".. It isn't easy being a girl,let alone a woman[as I observe the social development of my almost 12 yr old daughter]. There are lots of situations that don't turn out so rosey for women and aren't easily "fixed".Social pressures can mess up learning at school that can lead to missed opportunities that can spiral to being stuck as "barefoot and pregnant,and married to a loser cause he is the father" or a most visible situation that maybe we see most often..Struggling to juggle a job[maybe a career],with the unspoken pressure to find a person to love that will bring into it things you "just aren't ever going to get otherwise"..money enough..Most women are not paid well enough to "make it on their own"..So they struggle to house and feed themselves,look attractive to a potential SO,etc,etc. Maybe back in the day,you would have been locked into the role as mother and housewife and not been free to look good and enjoy socializing. We are judging "what could have been" from very firm ground and"if wishes were horses,beggars would ride".

[FurPus63]

I know exactly how you feel. For different reasons, I began my transition at age 49. Now I'm 50 (17 months into itJ) and I am scared every day some medical complication will happen to prevent me from having SRS. If I don't have that surgery and complete this process, I will go insaine! It doesn't help that I lost my job, have no money and all kinds of other problems have taken place this year. I often look at girls in their 20's and 30's and get extremely jealous and envious. I often wish I could have done this twenty or thirty years ago. But life circumstances made it impossible. Hell, back then I didn't even know what was "wrong" with me, my denial and repression of feelings was so deep I ignored everything that I was feeling. However; with therapy and two years of deep reflection I can now remember that I had these same feminine feelings (not as strong since I wasn't on HRT and estrogeon wasn't flowwing through my body) and always desired to join in with the other ladies when they were having their girl talks, etc....

Yes it would have been great to have been a woman at 20 or 25! Those were the days! But think about it. In reality. Let's go back thirty years. 1983. What support was there for us? Therapist thought we were crazy. We were living with our parents. Society was way less accepting and way more homophobic than today (not much different here, but some) and surgery wasn't half as advanced as it is now. There was nothing for us then and no-way in hell for us to realistically transition.

This is what I do when I feel that pain. I remind myself of the reality of it all. Yes it would have been great to be 20 and a full whole and complete woman with a vagina and all! WOW! How cool! To fit in with the young girls, wear the latest fashions, eye-make-up, etc... It most certainly would have been wonderful. But the reality of the situation reminds us of the impossibility and/or at least the impractibility of it all. It just couldn't have happened. Wasn't meant to be. Just as we can sit around feeling depressed and filled with envy and emotional pain over the fact that we were not born with vaginas and all the plumbing of a GG. That sometimes happens to me too as I look with envy at a pregnant woman, a young adolescent who has her whole life ahead of her, or even a little girl and think, "why couldn't I have been born a girl!!!" "Why me?" Happens all the time.

Sit in your pain and embrace it for awhile. Have a nice cry. Then let it go. Remind yourself that it just couldn't be that way and it is what it is. At least we can transition. Yes we are older. Yes there could be some health risks along the way. Pray nothing stops us from our final destination and we meet our goal. I know a man in our support group. He's 65 years old and he's just now starting to dress like a woman for the first time! Can you believe it? We could be him!!! Imagine the pain he experiences every day of his/her life!

So let's give thanks for what we do have and let go of what we don't.

Paulette

[ReineD]

I know exactly where you're coming from, but there's zero value in dwelling on it. You may have missed that opportunity, but so did a lot of young women who grew up in repressive cultures, with ultra-conservative families, or who grew up poor. You weren't uniquely singled out in this respect. None of which means it isn't unfortunate, but more importantly it just is.

This is so true, and even, a woman can have had experiences that are far from those you describe, if her priorities are elsewhere. And there are lots of us who have our priorities elsewhere. Some of us are into our careers that balanced with other life obligations, leaves no room for relaxing at a bar looking pretty. lol. When I was a young woman I didn't have the lifestyle that you describe. Heck, my hands were in finger paint and Cub Scout Derby cars. I didn't even start wearing makeup regularly until my late 40s and I only started in order to try to minimize the signs of aging.

I've noticed that a lot of people look at the 5% or 10% more fortunate looking people, and they tell themselves this must be the lifestyle for everyone. But if you go to a mall in small town UK or America on a week day and look at all the women walking around there, you'll see a different picture than what you saw at the pub. Another thought is that we never know what issues the beautiful people have. Their smiles could hide unhappy personal lives that override everything else.

I'm not wanting to minimize your feelings of regret over not having transitioned earlier, nor am I meaning to patronize, if this sounds like a patronizing post. But when I see the young beautiful women in bars, I know this is just an illusion for the lives they all lead and I also know there are many more women who don't look like that nor do they have that lifestyle.

[Jorja]

Your pain can go away if you allow it to. I have said many times here, transition is 98% mental and 2% physical. Some of the others have already mentioned to not dwell on it. They are 100% correct. You cannot change your past and you can only look forward toward the future. Live for today and be happy with where you are at then make plans for that future.

[Angela Campbell]

I'm glad you didn't say it was 98% mental and the other half physical.

[thechic]

I don't think the pain ever goes away, But you do learn to control it.

[Maryanne_sa]

Reine, What you say is true. Just to clarify, I certainly don't think that life for women in general is sitting around, looking pretty, and wearing make-up. I have daughters of my own with families, so I know that life is not a bed of roses just because you are a women, pretty or otherwise. In fact, I think life now for women, and for men is a lot more difficult and pressured than in my day. The bottom line profit is all that seems to matter!

I have said in my post and one of the replies, that in general, I am happy. I do not sit around with a 'Woe is me attitude', That does not mean, that sometimes, for whatever reason, we feel pain, be it over loss of job, loved one, mistakes we have made. In general, we get on with life, don't we? Perhaps it's better just to let it pass, as it does, and not tell the world about it.

Paulette. You are so on the button, back in the day, there was far less acceptance, understanding and knowledge than there is today. It's not easy now, but back then!, way worse.

Thank you so much for all the replies.

[ReineD]

Maryanne, in the post above mine you write:

"Perhaps it's better just to let it pass, as it does, and not tell the world about it."

It's OK to tell everyone about this. I can't speak for the others, but when I propose an alternate way of thinking I am not saying that you shouldn't feel the way you feel. Rather I am playing 'Ms. Fixit' in attempt to try to help you make it better. But, as you say, you don't need anyone to fix it, you're quite able to do this on your own.

[Barbara Ella]

Maryanne, the reminders of the pain will never go away as long as you stay out there and continue to be yourself. The pain surely will diminish with time, but because you are out there being yourself, you will continually be among the "reminders." i truly hope that over time these will just become more like reminders that you are amongst them, you are them, you are who they will be in the future.

I have no memories to hang on to, having just realized myself only two years ago at age 65. Now at 67, and wanting so much to push forward, it is the real life realities that bind me to my self imposed stagnancy. So yes, you younger girls who have realized your true nature, please get to therapy. Don't delay. It will be extremely tough to do, but do it before you have the constraints of a life that you run the risk of destroying. When young you can rebuild. WHen old, you don't really have a lot of time to rebuild, and you hope for day to day.

Barbara

[FurPus63]

"Paulette. You are so on the button, back in the day, there was far less acceptance, understanding and knowledge than there is today. It's not easy now, but back then!, way worse."

Thanks for the compliment. The truth is we (those over 40) alway want to go back in time, and this condition just makes those feelings stronger and more difficult to accept. I think about it every day. Especially since right now, surgery seems like a lifetime from now with my current life circumstances, which is leading to more and more depressed feelings. It's hard for me to make the constant adjustment to my reality because I don't have the right body parts. It drives me crazy sometimes, makes me depressed and terrible feelings of every kind come over me and flood my psyche.

Then I have to pull myself out of it and remind myself that I am living my life as a woman. I am looking pretty good doing so. I am being accepted by other women my age. Some men are flirting with me, like the gentleman I ran into today while on a walk. So it's not all that bad. I think we who are trans-girls just have that certain extra something that nags at us because we have some parts missing when it comes to our gender. So we just have to struggle that much harder and put even more effort into feeling better when those negagtive feelings do come.

We're getting stronger because of all this!

Paulette

[Ann Louise]

Maybe that pain won't always have to be there Maryanne.

If you read back through my posts (not that I'm recommending that tedious exercise, of course) I think you'll find a very similar lament that I've expressed here a couple of times past. I really, deeply felt the same emotions that I think you're expressing as I was coming to terms with my transgender nature. Since that time, however, I've pulled my emotional act together, and put my psychological money where my Wiccan/Buddhist mouth is I guess.

My opinion only follows here:

Real, true happiness in the years that we have remaining cannot be attained by reliving fantasies of what "could have" or "should have" or "shouldn't have" happened. These fantasies are useless, imaginary smoke on the wind that destroys our happiness right here in our present moment. And that applies to the future, too. We can plan for paying our mortgage, sending our kids to college, even what we're having for supper, of course, but spinning out fantasies about how sparse and lonely the future will be, or equally well, how marvelous it will be if just..., are just as useless and meaningless as could-having and should-having the past. Smoke on the wind, and destructive to happiness right here, right now.

A bit of poetic waxing and waning is ok I suppose, and even feels good, sure, but the true source of my present happiness, and at last it is considerable, is living right here, right now, moment by moment, with the dear creatures and people that I've come to surround myself with on this beautiful planet.

If I've misinterpreted your sentiment, please excuse me dear. And warm hugs to you, it's never too late to be happy,

)0( Ann )0(

[sandra-leigh]

25 years ago (say), I wouldn't have believed you if you told me that I was going to turn out to be as I am. I would have taken you more seriously if you had told me I was going to burn out on over-work, as back then I was already putting in long hours of learning -- but to be told that in the burn out I would discover my gender would have seemed laughable back then. Not completely dismissible, but pretty low probability.

My time in my early 30's was really not bad. I was capable, had some money, a bit lonely, overworking on things I was interested in, but not a disaster by any measure. If I could get only one message to the "me" back then, towards improving my future, the message might have been something about spending more time with people and less with the machines. But back then I was trying to Meet Someone and was having an awful time of it, so I don't know if such a message would have done me any good. It would have taken a pretty loud shout-back, perhaps, "The reason you can't find women is that you are a woman!".

Now if I could push Revelation back in time, an Inner Belief, instead of an idea as such, then that might have been effective. I don't know what I would have done with the belief back in the mid 80's, though.

[Phydelia]

Happiness comes and goes... pain accumulates!

[dreamer_2.0]

Being someone in their early 30's this is a particularly moving thread to read. It's foreshadowing my future if I don't make the decision to transition. I may not be as mature or as wise as other members here but still ask OP's question, will the pain ever go? It hasn't yet and, based on this thread and several other sources, it probably never will.

I'm sorry for the pain many of you are feeling. Feeling pain myself for not acting in my 20s or teens, I can't imagine how it feels for you as it must be magnified beyond what I feel.

Sure gives me something to look forward to if I don't finally decide what to do...

[Maryanne_sa]

Quote from Ann Louis's post.

'A bit of poetic waxing and waning is ok I suppose, and even feels good, sure, but the true source of my present happiness, and at last it is considerable, is living right here, right now, moment by moment, with the dear creatures and people that I've come to surround myself with on this beautiful planet.'

Beautifully put Ann. Thank you.

[Chickhe]

You can not change the past you can only learn from it. You can change the future. Admit to yourself that you missed the boat, don't try swimming for it, just get on the next one.