In or Out?

[jackielynn]

Hi, I joined this site as part of my I guess you would call it coming out. I've crossdressed my whole life since I can remember but I've only recently started being open about it online. it was a step for me but the real problem is whether or not to tell those around me like my SO or my family. I've realized who I am and I embrace it but I don't feel they will. I'm suppose to get married in a few months and I just want to know if it is a better idea to tell them now. If I do I honestly cant see the marriage going through but if I dont I feel it will cause more trouble down the road. I dont know what to do, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Steph_CD_62]

In my opinion you should tell your S/O soon. I don't think there should be anything hidden between partners. How to tell your S/O is an open debate on how to do it. My only suggestion is to be prepared for lots of questions, and have some web sites that show support for crossdressers so you can have your S/O go and look for themselves.

As far as the rest of your family that is something your S/O and yourself need to discuss.

[Barbara Ella]

You need to feel right about telling your SO. If you feel that you should do it before the wedding, do it ASAP. Someone being told this need time to process. Spring it at the last minute will lead to a hasty decision with perhaps regrets later.

If you don't have a good feeling about coming out now, just realize that you will get caught, just a matter of time. The negative consequences of this are far worse.

Barbara

[Christina Kay]

As hard as it might be . Tell your SO . Does she have any inclination that you cd? I waited much too long to tell my SO. She found out about a year in. But I didn't come out about it this till last week. My one big regret in life , waiting so long. But it still is your decision . Good luck. I wish the best for you and your SO. Hugs

[chrissy111]

I can tell you that I struggled with telling my wife before we got married. I decided that it was only fair to be honest with her about me, as I knew I could not give up this part of me. Luckily for me she accepted and loved me for me, not what I wore. Whatever your decision I wish you the best of luck.

[Beverley Sims]

jackie,
Telling your Fiancee sooner than later is a good idea.
You need to convey all the facts about what dressing entails.
Better to go separate ways now than after you are married.
Think first are you going to continue the practice and are you going to give it up when you get married.
I think not.

Think hard Jackie, it is the rest of your life and relationship.
Only you and your fiancee need to know. It can remain a bedroom thing.

[kimdl93]

Being open on line is a start but a lot easier than coming out in real life. I believe you have an obligation to be honest with your fiancé regardless of the risk. Otherwise you're entering a dangerous place. Sooner or later, she'll find out...eithe because you tell her or by accident. Do it now and she will, at a minimum, appreciate your honesty

[SatinSarah]

Telling your SO sooner rather than later and getting some ground rules established. I waited too long - about a year into our marriage. I have a generally understanding wife but it is up and down

[Eryn]

I will join the chorus of folks who thing that your SO deserves to know. The manner of the telling is, however, within your control.

You are concerned about the effect of your CDing on your relationship. That is precisely how you should present it to her. This isn't a topic that can be subtly slid into existence, but you can introduce it in a way that says "I'm concerned about how this affects you and our relationship." Approach it seriously, because it is a serious topic. Make sure that there is time to talk it out completely. Later on you will be able to discuss it more lightly, but at first you need to get across that CDing is not something trivial that you can take or leave as many people believe.

[Rachael Leigh]

I know you will get many opnions on this but I think your wife to be should know. I'm not sure exactly how to tell her but it will certainly help you know what she will think. For you to be so open and honest about it for most women would prob make her trust you even more.

[mara@]

that's a big problem and i think that you are the only one who can solve it

[Sarah Beth]

As Mara said you are the one who needs to decide for yourself what is best. I know I didn't tell my wife and when she found out at first she freaked. It as really hard to deal with for both of us because she didn't understand I wasn't prepared to talk to her about it. Later on we had some long talks about it and finally what she told me was that she loved me and that if that was part of me then I needed to help her understand it. We worked things out and she is pretty accepting of things now all but the money I spend on it. So to me at least, if she really love's you and you do her then better be open about it before hand but be prepared with things that can help her understand it as much as is possible. True love will shine through.

[Lady Catherine]

I told my wife before we were married. It was MY feeling that if she wasn't ok with it, we shouldn't get married. But, everyone's different as they say.

[Being Paige]

Yes you need to tell your fiance the truth before you get married. Be honest, I wasn't and even though myself and wife have been married for 25 years and she tolerates me, because I wasn't up front with her she will never have a real friendship with me as Paige. Tell her and then see where your relationship goes from there at least you won't have to continue to live in secret which will only catch up with you in the end.

[Maria 60]

I told her a day after we came home from our honeymoon, talking about taking a chance. I wish I knew you and your wife better to make a comment but only you must have an idea how she will react and sometimes you might be surprised how she would react. I don't know at what level you plan to dress but if you do plan to dress a lot, sooner is always better it is always better to start the marriage on a honest note but you know her best and if you have any concern that it won't go well maybe you can get married and see how it plays out.

[Alice Torn]

It is very hard to do, but best in the long run. If she changes her mind about marrying you, at least you know it would not have worked, if you told her, or got caught later. Not a fun thing, and may be very painful,, or may not be that big a deal.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jackielynn, There's no better time than right now, The longer you wait the harder it gets.

[kathtx]

Tell her sooner rather than later.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Tricky.

My opinion is that honesty is the best policy. BUT. What sort of person is your fiancé? Is she open minded? Somewhat rigid? Very religious?

I was fortunate, my GF is very smart, very well read, she understands that gender is not sex, or orientation, and they are all independent of each other.

If you now accept yourself in this matter, do you think you can forget about it? Bury it? Many on this forum have tried, and failed to suppress this side of themselves. if not, then not telling leaves you open to the risk of her finding out, with the possibility of a messy, painful, and probably expensive divorce. if after children, well, not a good scene.

Of course, if you tell, then as you say, will the wedding happen? It comes down to what sort of person your fiancé is, and how flexible she is in her attitudes. Can she understand that this isn't necessarily something bad. It can have it's compensations. I'm pretty certain that my telling was a point in my favour, we weren't "dating" at the time, she was considering whether to bother after her last disaster. My honesty definitely was taken into consideration. If she can't deal with it, well, do you want to go into this with a high risk of it all self destructing later?

Try sampling her attitudes, see if you can go somewhere with her that has some kind of non mainstream gender theme. Halloween is coming up, how about asking her to help you dress in a suitable costume? If she goes along with it happily, try saying you've always had a fascination for this...you get the idea.

[Flowergirl]

I agree with all of the "tell her soon" replies. Like yourself, I have dressed since I was young. My desires would subside, but they always came back. My wife and I dated for a number of years, and when we were getting close to getting engaged, I found this site, and discovered that my desires probably weren't going to ever go away completely. After reading a lot of stories on here about all of the problems that resulted from people getting caught, I decided that I had to tell my GF before we went any further. I kept losing my nerve, so finally, I told her that there was something important that I had to tell her, but I wasn't quite ready, and we needed to have our talk when there was plenty of time to talk. That kept me from changing my mind. If I remember, within a week, we had our talk, and although she was quite surprised, her response was something to the effect of "that's all?" I am not sure what she was expecting/fearing, but apparently, it was a lot worse than me being a cder. We have now been married for almost 6 years. She still isn't always thrilled with my hobby, but she tries let me have fun.
Hope this helps!

[Alice B]

Up front, honest and open is always the way to go. Hiding, being secretive and being dishonest will lead to big trouble. Of course only you know your spouse to be, thus it is hard for any of us to give the perfect answer.

[jackie_p]

Hi Jackielynn...I was married 26 years when I finally accepted myself and then told my wife.
She loves me and accepts me, but doesn't like tHe dressing part...but again accepts that it
Is part of me. The thing we both struggle with most is the lack of trust from keeping this
Secret from her, especially so long. Only you can decide but I suggest you tell her sooner rather
Than later.

[giuseppina]

Hello Jackielynn

I'm with the Tell Her group. This thread explains how it feels to the SO when the CD withholds information about their dressing from their partner:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?90231-Not-telling-lies-and-hiding-things-from-a-GG-s-POV

This thread is written by a genetic lady and is about how to tell your partner:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner&highlight=

It gets harder as time passes. She will find out eventually by whatever means. The best way is you telling her yourself, preempting discovery.

One of the questions that will go through her mind if she finds your things: Is he seeing somebody else?

Good luck. :hugs:

[Lorileah]

Just think. Tell now, maybe she will say OK with limits. OR she will say no, you both walk away and look for more compatible partners. You tell (or get caught) in a few years, you lose half of everything you own in the divorce. Tough call huh?

[NicoleScott]

There is a very compelling reason to tell your fiancee, and before the wedding. I would tell others only when there is a compelling reason for them to know.

[KatieGG]

Like everyone else, I think you should tell her before the wedding. I can't say how I would have reacted if I had found out down the road but I think I would have been more upset about the fact that I was kept in the dark. How would you feel if she was hiding some big secret from you? I would think you have a better chance at being accepted if you tell her outright instead of her coming home early one day to find you in a dress ya know?