wife knows what now

[cdazan]

my wife found my things and knows but its not pressing the issue. i dont know if i should wait till she does or if i should just bring it up i cant tell how she is dealing with it or if she is ok and waiting for me to open up any help?

[Kelley]

You should probably talk to her, she may have all the wrong ideas. Better to get the truth out.

[stacycoral]

I must agree with Kelly on this. it better that she knows, and doesn't think there is something else going on, best to you girl.hugs

[cdazan]

there in lies the problem when she is dealing with an issue she will seem to ignore it (to me) untill she come to terms to it or has a solution to it. If press press the issue now i might make it worse

[marshalynn]

How do you know she found your things, did she leave them where they wear, if so I think it will be best for you to come to her and talk now. She knows, but what does she think, time to talk and get things straight for both of you.

[cdazan]

biggest problem i have at this point is i orders something for halloween that she knows about that we were going to go out as together and she was fine with it but now im now so sure im just lost

[Christina Kay]

I would broach the subject. It's never easy.. Good luck, my thoughts will be with you. Hugs

[cdazan]

How do you know she found your things, did she leave them where they wear, if so I think it will be best for you to come to her and talk now. She knows, but what does she think, time to talk and get things straight for both of you.


she found there when i hid them and brought them to me and said put them somewhere else. nothing other than that but i am and have always been at a loss when dealing with women lol

[Cindia]

Can you ask her in away that will give her the chance to come to terms with it on her own if she chooses? Something like, "I know you found my stuff, can I answer any questions you have? " She'd know you're willing to talk.

[cdazan]

might have to try i dont know what else to do

just freaking out right now sorry for the questions you have all probably answered a million times

[Kelly DeWinter]

just curious, Where did she find them ? Where would she like you to put them ? She did not ask you to throw them away ? How long have you been married ? A lot of times talking early is a big help.

[cdazan]

spare room where i hid them on the back of the closet and to put them in our room somewhere which makes me think its a goods thing but we have only been married 2 years. which kind of scare me and make me think i should have brought it up earlier

[Rachael Leigh]

Never easy coming clean with this and your spouse but I would say now is a good time. It will never be easy and if she's not ok with it well than you need to understand her boundaries

[cdazan]

guess its tomorow after work then. i dont know what else to do wish me luck hope im not going for a divorce. thanks for semi calming me down.

[Jenniferathome]

Talk to her, NOW. Right now. She is thinking for sure, don't let lack of information guide her.

[Amy Lynn3]

It would seem to me she has known for some time you were crossdressing, as per your comment, when she found your cloths. She found them in the back of a closet and wanted them brought to the master bedroom. That is what I gather from your post.

Lets assume she has known this for some time now. WOW ! She has been dealing with this all by herself and no answers from you. I would recommend what Cindia advised you to do. Just tell her....we need to talk and say: I know you found my things and I do not want you dealing with this by yourself. I want to answer any and all questions you might have, either now or in the furture. Tell her it is something that is part of you and it will never go away, but you, in know way want to hurt her. Be open and honest with her. You can't go back and change things, but do all the damage control you can, for her sake and yours. Above all assure her you love her and in no way will this ever come between you and the love you have for her. Whatever you can do to make her happy, do it and show her, that her being happy in this marriage is the most imortant thing in the world. Good luck and keep us posted. We care !

[Beverley Sims]

How long has this been going on?
While you withold information your wife's mind is being slowly destroyed by her own imagination.
If she does not know anything about dressing, tell her before she gets the wrong advice from elsewhere.
For example. Pervert, changing sex, gay, other women.
Have I painted enough of the picture for you.
Do something now, before it is too late.
I do not think I am being too dramatic either.

Others here have already told you how to go about it.

[Chrissy52]

Amy Lynn3 said it all the bell has been rung you can't change that now be sweet and have that talk

[MissTee]

Good luck cdazan. At a minimum let her know you are willing to talk should she want to.

[ReineD]

I think you should tell her Azan, before she starts to fill in the blanks by herself. You wouldn't want her to think that you're having an affair and these are another woman's clothes, do you.

I agree, it is much easier to broach the subject before a wife finds the stash. Now she will feel even more lied to. So when you tell her, please do tell your reasons for not wanting to have told her before, which are perfectly understandable reasons. But be prepared for lots of questions and possibly tears.

[AllieSF]

RRuunnnnnn!!!!!! As fast as you can. Maybe stop along the way and buy her some flowers, a nice bottle of wine (that she likes) and plan a romantic dinner to set the stage for ..... are you ready?? ..... for ...... "The TALK"! Getting it out in the open makes life a lot easier for both of you. That way you won't be wondering what she is thinking and you can make sure she is getting the correct and "truthful" information. Good luck.

[Rachelakld]

NOW, NOW, NOW

As most say here, you need to have a chat about your life NOW, and include a future with her, in the chat.
If you wait, expect a communication from her divorce lawyer implying your a gay prostitute or worse.

Best of luck

[JazmyneCD]

You definitely need to talk to her not only to get it out there but to set boundaries with your CDing. My wife discovered my CD habit when she caught me trying on a skirt of hers. It wasn't easy confronting the truth but it had to be done (I really had no defense). Be honest, even if your hiding clothes may not have seemed very honest to her. You owe it to her to discuss your feelings and listen to hers. Not all SOs are the same so there's no guarantee what the outcome will be, but I do wish you the best because it's one of the toughest things to do. Hopefully it works out for both of you.


I think you should tell her Azan, before she starts to fill in the blanks by herself. You wouldn't want her to think that you're having an affair and these are another woman's clothes, do you.

You hit it on the head. My wife knows about my CDing but came across my stash a few days ago. She told me as long as they don't belong to another woman, she could care less what I wore in my free time. I promised her they didn't -- they are indeed mine. It's also a way to break the ice on the topic of CDing, meaning I no longer have to hide my things much anymore. She's fine with it, and I'm so lucky to have her.

[Kate T]

In Jennifer's signature (post #15) is a link to a thread "how to tell your wife". READ IT!!! You need to talk to her. You can't let it sweep under the carpet otherwise it becomes even more of an issue and as Reine said, she will start to try and fill in the blanks with either her imagination or what she finds on the internet. Neither is likely to be helpful for you.

[Phydelia]

i think the best bet is to bring it up at a neutral time (after work, after dinner, but well before bedtime, when you have some time to talk... screw up all your courage!). Ask her if she would like to talk about the clothing she found, and whether she has any questions about it. i agree with Beverly Sims that her imagination is probably your worst enemy.

[GaleWarning]

I think Amy Lynn is right. Her words to you when she found them (post #8) tell me she has known for some time. I think she may even have thought things through by now. Talk to her. You may be pleasantly surprised. I hope so!

[Diversity]

I would suggest that you should take the burden off of her and choose a time when you can tell her about your desire to CD, and allow for a lengthy discussion in which you are both honest about your feelings and needs, and can listen to each other with an open understanding of each others viewpoints. Good luck!
Di

[felicityefeminata]

I hope you have the chance to open up to your wife. As I said in my previous post several weeks ago...I have been dressing more and more femme of late, and my wife has been aware, (I openly wear women's things at home, my panties etc. are in the laundry, etc. etc). The subject never came up so I just assume she was OK with it all. Then out of the blue one day, she asked me if I wanted a sex change..... we both wish now we had talked about it. We are slowly working through it though...so hand in there

[GingerLeigh]

It had been my experience (with women that is) that they will chew on the issue at hand until they've come up with an attack plan. Once she's got what she wants to say all figured out, (and she's thoroughly teed right off) she'll give it to you with both boots and you'll have nowhere to run.
Either approach now with caution OR prepare for the coming storm.

[Tracii G]

Have the talk pronto even if you are scared don't act like it you are the man remember.She married a man act like one.
Lay it all on the table but include her feelings in the matter don't have it be all your feelings.
There is some good advice in the previous posts so use what you can to work in your situation.
Good luck.

[Maria in heels]

I think that you should approach her very gently, and ask her if she has any questions for you. If she says "no" just reassure her that she can bring it up at any time, and you will answer honestly. Apologize to her for lying and hiding your other side, and then just leave it alone if she isn't ready. If she is, try not to be defensive and be prepared for the regular questions that come when we are found out...

[Marcelle]

Have to agree with most . . . from what I read, the cat is out of the bag as she found your stuff. Plan the talk sooner than later as waiting will only make it more difficult to take the plunge and tell her. I would prepare for the conversation to go in one or two directions (good or bad). However, the fact that she found your stuff and has not asked you to leave is a positive sign that she would like to discuss it more . . . so I would discuss it.

Hugs

Isha

[bobbimo]

Now is the best time to come clean, and get that part out of the closet.
Now that she has found your stuff, I'm sure she has many questions and it will come up.
You should prepare your story and have a sit down chat some evening soon.
Bobbi

[BLUE ORCHID]

It really sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place now you are going have to talk to her.

[Barbra P]

Most people don’t understand crossdressing and that’s understandable because there isn’t a lot of valid information readily available, it isn’t a topic most people have ever discussed, probably even thought of. Heck, we don’t even understand crossdressing.

Gay characters have become commonplace in movies and on TV shows, both in sitcoms and dramatic shows, but that’s not true for crossdressers. Gays are a lot more accepted now then decades past partly due to the public exposure in movies and on TV. Nothing scary or threatening about Eric Stonestreet and Jesse Tyler Ferguson in “Modern Family”, just two funny guys you probably wouldn’t mind living next door. The same cannot be said for crossdressers. Men dressed as women are usually portrayed for comic relief and they are not dressed as women because they want to be. Or, they are drag queens and Hollywood invariably casts Drag Queens as being gay and not just gay but flaming gay..

The first question most people ask when they find out you crossdress is “are you gay?” That seems to be a widely held belief, if you like wearing women’s clothes you must be gay. The next question seems to be “do you want to become a woman?” Well if you like women’s clothes and you are not gay then you must want to be a woman, right? I think men in particular have a difficult time understanding why a man would want to dress in women’s clothes and present as a woman.; women maybe not so much – provided it is not there husband doing the dressing.

Azan the fact that she brought you the clothes you had somewhat hidden in the spare room and told you to put then somewhere else (rather than asking what the h_ll are these?) might be a good sign. We, and that includes you, don’t have any idea of how long she has known the clothes were in the closet. She may not have just found them, she may have found some time ago and has been waiting for you to say something, and finally got tired of waiting. Her presenting you with the clothes may be her way of forcing you to confront the issue.

I agree with many of the others who have replied, you need to talk with your Wife. You know your wife best, but even you don’t know what she is thinking about you right now. Is my husband gay? Has my husband had affairs with other men? Does the man I married have plans on becoming my lesbian spouse or my best girl friend?

You are afraid that if you tell your new wife of two years that you crossdress she may leave you. That may be the outcome whether you talk with her or not and I suspect you have a much better chance of remaining married if you sit down and discuss this. Right now you have no idea of what thoughts are churning in your Wife’s mind and many of those thoughts may be based on misinformation.

Sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your Wife, be perfectly honest and answer all of her questions, of which I’m sure she has many. Assure her that your crossdressing does not detract from your love for her, that you are not gay (provided you really are not gay) and that you do not want to change into a woman (again provided that is the truth). You may have to explain to her, if she wants you to stop dressing, that the current medical and psychiatric view is that you probably won’t be able to stop for any prolonged period of time, i.e. there is no known “cure”. With some luck on your part and understanding, compassion, and love on your wife’s part you may come out of this a lot better off than you were. She may even come to like Azan and the she and Azan may spend many pleasant hours together.

[Tina_gm]

You stated how lost you feel. I am willing to bet your wife feels lost as well. The sooner the better to begin clearing the air and finding out where all of this will go from here. There are no guarantees, and hopefully the best will work out for you. What I can all but guarantee you is that should your wife begin to accept this, if there is any further hiding or you with hold any about the Cding, she will A. eventually find out or figure it out. And B. will cause even more damage along with that of the discovery she made.

[cdazan]

well we talked and apparently it doesnt matter cause in her words " your obviously not gay and stringing me along cause i have known for a while but its something you are going to have to do in YOUR private time not OUR private time" and i can accept that its better than what i thought

[Jenniferathome]

It's a start. This does not mean you stop talking about it. Make a point a asking regularly if she has questions.

[Rachael Leigh]

Sounds like the diolog is open now so I would take it slow but she may need sometime to get her thoughts together. You need to figure out for you what you want as well. I've been with my wife for 32 years and she has know since we got married. She has never really been part of it and it's worked pretty good but it's not always roses but then that's most marriages. Good luck

[cdazan]

I think this was her problem wondering if i was gay or bi or what ever she thought and as others in the tread had said im beginning to think she did know but didnt know how to approach it. eaither way she reasoned out that A im not gay when have sex (not to brag lol) alot but she still doesnt understand it but understands that it either relaxes me or makes me happy. so she doesnt want to see it but will accept it and ill take that for now.

ps i bought a french maid outfit for halloween right before we found this out and i still went and she still went as the doctor as we planned and didnt seem to mind

[quote]
ost people don’t understand crossdressing and that’s understandable because there isn’t a lot of valid information readily available, it isn’t a topic most people have ever discussed, probably even thought of. Heck, we don’t even understand crossdressing.

Gay characters have become commonplace in movies and on TV shows, both in sitcoms and dramatic shows, but that’s not true for crossdressers. Gays are a lot more accepted now then decades past partly due to the public exposure in movies and on TV. Nothing scary or threatening about Eric Stonestreet and Jesse Tyler Ferguson in “Modern Family”, just two funny guys you probably wouldn’t mind living next door. The same cannot be said for crossdressers. Men dressed as women are usually portrayed for comic relief and they are not dressed as women because they want to be. Or, they are drag queens and Hollywood invariably casts Drag Queens as being gay and not just gay but flaming gay..

The first question most people ask when they find out you crossdress is “are you gay?” That seems to be a widely held belief, if you like wearing women’s clothes you must be gay. The next question seems to be “do you want to become a woman?” Well if you like women’s clothes and you are not gay then you must want to be a woman, right? I think men in particular have a difficult time understanding why a man would want to dress in women’s clothes and present as a woman.; women maybe not so much – provided it is not there husband doing the dressing.

Azan the fact that she brought you the clothes you had somewhat hidden in the spare room and told you to put then somewhere else (rather than asking what the h_ll are these?) might be a good sign. We, and that includes you, don’t have any idea of how long she has known the clothes were in the closet. She may not have just found them, she may have found some time ago and has been waiting for you to say something, and finally got tired of waiting. Her presenting you with the clothes may be her way of forcing you to confront the issue.

I agree with many of the others who have replied, you need to talk with your Wife. You know your wife best, but even you don’t know what she is thinking about you right now. Is my husband gay? Has my husband had affairs with other men? Does the man I married have plans on becoming my lesbian spouse or my best girl friend?

You are afraid that if you tell your new wife of two years that you crossdress she may leave you. That may be the outcome whether you talk with her or not and I suspect you have a much better chance of remaining married if you sit down and discuss this. Right now you have no idea of what thoughts are churning in your Wife’s mind and many of those thoughts may be based on misinformation.

Sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your Wife, be perfectly honest and answer all of her questions, of which I’m sure she has many. Assure her that your crossdressing does not detract from your love for her, that you are not gay (provided you really are not gay) and that you do not want to change into a woman (again provided that is the truth). You may have to explain to her, if she wants you to stop dressing, that the current medical and psychiatric view is that you probably won’t be able to stop for any prolonged period of time, i.e. there is no known “cure”. With some luck on your part and understanding, compassion, and love on your wife’s part you may come out of this a lot better off than you were. She may even come to like Azan and the she and Azan may spend many pleasant hours together. [end quote]

apparently my html sucks lol sorry

[Rachael Leigh]

That's cool, what funny is one of the 3 or 4 times my wife see me dressed I too was a French maid at a party we went too. I had such fun doing it too

[giuseppina]

Cdazan, the "doesn't matter" probably means it does matter to her. She doesn't sound happy about it at all.

My impression is she has drawn a line in the sand. It is not a good idea to cross it until you've had a lot more discussion between the two of you and then only by agreement.

Congrats on having The Talk. She may warm up a little on it, but don't bet the farm on it. And never assume anything. Talk to her about how she felt about you in a French Maid outfit, and ask for honesty.

[cdazan]

i ageee with you and im not pressing the matter at this point nor am i wandering around the house dressed. like i said though i do believe she has know for a bit and has brought it up this way but still doesnt know what to do about it. From the conversation i had and from what i understand she doenst seems to care so long as its not affecting our social life ( I dont go out dressed any ways) and that shes just doesnt understand if its a sexual thing comfort thing or deep seeated childhood issue ( which i dont know either) but its nice at this point that i can bring it up and have some one here to talk to about it. i think her biggest problem was that she thought i was gay. ( which im not )