"You Dealt the Cards, Live with It."

[Anne2345]

In early July, one of my very dearest, closest, best friends, completely out of the blue, dropped me like a ton of bricks. She ran away full throttle, guns blazin’, and exited stage right and out of my life at warp speed.

In so doing, she explained that she could no longer “handle me” and all of my “personal drama,” where “personal drama” was defined within the context of me being transsexual and in the process of transition. She said it was too much, so she just severed all ties instantly, as if our time spent together as super close and tight friends the past 14 years had never occurred or meant anything at all.

Needless to say, I was deeply hurt, and I felt very much betrayed and abandoned. My friend was, at the time, the first real meaningful casualty of war I had suffered since I declared myself within the process of transition. Since that time, as she so unceremoniously did with me, I have moved on from our former friendship, and all but written it off.

Occasionally, though, here and there, I have thought back with fondness and longing over the things we shared and experienced together as friends. During such moments, I still felt pain, betrayal, and hurt. Invariably, however, I would wonder how she was doing, what she was doing, and I thought about and very much considered on occasion just picking up my cell phone and giving her a call in hope that something had changed.

Until today, though, despite the occasional desire to do so, I had not made any attempt to contact her. The hurt and sense of betrayal I experienced and felt has outweighed my desire, need, and curiosity. Still, the ball was in her court, and the fact of the matter is that she had made no attempt to contact me, either.

So earlier today, while performing various chores and tasks, I was running around town like a chicken with its head cut off, doing this, that, and the other thing, getting stuff done. On my way to briefly meet my friend J, I pulled up and parked directly in front of J's place of employment to wait for her to come out to visit.

As fate would have it, though, literally at the precise moment I completed parking, I looked randomly by complete happenstance to my right, and just so happened to make immediate, unexpected, and complete eye contact with my former friend, who was not even 10 feet away from me.

Without hesitation, she immediately broke eye contact with me, turned another way, and hurriedly walked off to wherever.

I was absolutely stunned, and caught completely by surprise by the event. After a split second sitting there looking like a deer caught in the headlights, I had actually regained my composure, and was quite literally preparing myself to say “hello,” and ask her how she was doing.

Except that I couldn’t do so, because within the span of that one split second, it was already too late. My former friend had wasted no time blowing me off and getting the hell out of there.

Dumbfounded, I just sat there for a few moments in disbelief, waiting for my friend J to arrive.

How could this be, I wondered? How could she treat me like this??!

It hurt all over again. I mean, she was one of my very best and closest friends. Or so I thought she was.

Still, I could not help myself. After meeting with my friend for a few minutes, like some scorned lover demanding an opportunity to be heard in the face of an unfair slight, I texted my former friend. Not being able to help myself, I text her “you know, I am not a bad person. I do not have the plague. I am not some kind of bizarre pariah to be avoided at all costs. I would have said hello, I would have asked how you were doing, and I would have told you that I miss you.”

Her response was prompt, and only seven words long. It was also brief, directly to the point, and it cut deep.

“You dealt the cards, live with it.”

Reading that response, I momentarily stopped breathing. I could not believe what I was reading! It was almost if I couldn’t quite grasp the meaning of her words, despite how obvious it was on its face.

Not ten minutes later, though, my dear friend K just happened to telephone me. I mentioned to her what had just transpired, we discussed it briefly, then moved on to discussing other things. The good and understanding friend that K is, during our conversation, as she is always wont to do, she helped me place this happening into proper context.

The person that I thought was my dear, close, loving, understanding, accepting friend was anything but. If anything, she perhaps abandoned me in my time of greatest need, and left me to fade away to rot, for all she apparently cared.

Because that is the thing about friends – friends do not abandon friends when things get rough or difficult. Friends, in fact, do the opposite. Rather than run for the hills, true friends instead rise up to the occasion, seize the challenge, and offer their continued love, support, and loyalty.

So whatever. It’s clear to me now beyond any shadow of a doubt that she ain’t my friend.

But the funny thing is, this post is not about the loss of a friendship. This post is instead about the substance of the text message my former “friend” sent me.

“You dealt the cards, live with it.”

If anything, it was an interesting choice of words. And knowing her for as long as I have, I know she chose her words with great care and precision.

Although technically inaccurate – I did not deal the cards – this is of absolutely no consequence. It is of no consequence because unlike before, even though the cards were dealt long, long ago, and dealt outside of my control, I finally acknowledged that they had been dealt. More than that, though, is that I have since sat down and taken my rightful place at the table, anted up, picked up my cards, and begun playing the game.

And now that I am playing this game, there is no going back. There is no leaving the table. I am committed, and I shall remain at the table until such time I win my way out, if I ever do. In this, there can be no other way. At least no other way that doesn’t end very, very bad.

So, I guess I gotta “live with it,” and make the most of it, right? I mean, these things do happen, after all. Whatever these things may be, that is . . . .

Regardless, it’s all good. I have learned much from this, and grown stronger from the experience.

In a very real way, though, it’s kind of odd, too. Within the span of one, single afternoon, and during the course of composing this already waaaay overly long post, I am now completely over it. The hurt is gone. The pain is gone. I know the real deal, and I have closure.

Even better, and as a result, I no longer feel any sense of loss. Because if loss is to be had by someone, it’s not by me.

And, incidentally, I can “live with it.” I can “live with it” with my head held high, in fact. I used to wonder whether my former friend could claim the same, if she was really honest with herself. That, however, I now recognize is no longer my problem, concern, or care.

My investment of time, thought, emotions, and love, after all, is better spent and utilized elsewhere. Primarily, all things me (lol) are better invested with those of you out there who really are my friends and family.

After all, life is too short and valuable to sweat the things you can't control. It's a lesson that has taken me a long time to understand, and a lesson that I constantly seem to forget or just plain outright ignore. But there it is, anyways, in all of its hard-earned life experience and wisdom, for whatever its worth.

Still. In my new world, given my evolving progress and growing sense of self-worth, respect, and love, I am no longer willing to allow the naysayers and the haters to hurt me with their words and actions as I once did.

"You dealt the cards, live with it."

Live with it, huh? Okay. I will do just that, thank you very much, and I will be just fine for it, because I know who my real friends are. :)

And speaking of friends, a special thanks to K! You rock! Love you much!

[ArleneRaquel]

Fantastic posting. Thank you for sharing. Your ex-friend IMO is better being " an ex-friend." I find judgemental people very self-righteous. Just my opinion. Agains Thank You for posting.

[Barbara Ella]

Yes, it takes adversity for a "friend" to realize they really aren't up to being a true friend. They easily recognize this, but we tend to be slow on the uptake as we know who we are, but don't really know who they are until they are called on to put up or shut up, to use another phrase. K put up. The other one shut up. Live with the first and miss no more the second. Your life will forever be enriched in the balance of the two. Enjoy your life.

Barbara

[Dannigurlfriend]

As always interesting and insightful. Your ex friend has actually folded her cards and walked away from the table which is sad, I hate that people become so hung up on what they see on the outside rather than the person they supposedly cared about and loved for years. It's almost like a person thinks we makes these changes just to just to mess with them.

[Rachel Smith]

Great post!

Hugs
Rachel

[gautier_nikolai]

I'm so sorry things turned out like that.I don't know what her problem is and why she can't get over any igorance.

K sounds like a real friend however.It can hurt bad to feel deceived all along.*Hugs*

[Jorja]

Great post Anne. These things do happen and it is how we deal with them that makes the difference. For us and former friends. So do just what your former friend told you to do, live with it and live with it in a big way. Use this experience as a building block for bigger and better things. However, always be nice when your paths cross and keep an open spot in your life for this former friend. They have a way of returning to you when you least expect it.

[kimdl93]

Another one of those moments when truth crystalizes. K is right, of course, the former proved not to be a friend and now you can cease mourning the loss...because it seems you lost nothing!

As for playing the cards, of course you're not the dealer, just another player living with the consequences of chance. My advice is to keep playing well and playing fair. You'll have no regrets and take your winnings ( and revenge) in the form of a life well lived.

[docrobbysherry]

I am very impressed how u have handled this latest setback, Anne! I believe u r beginning to show the strength and character I saw in your posts when u first arrived here.

From my perspective of advanced age, I have developed my own opinions about "friendship". It is much like the myth of "love". As in "until death do us part". Utter nonsense for more than 1/2 of us. Love dies for many couples and it does between friends for the same reason. They both involve another person. And, no matter how much u THINK u know someone, u usually don't. And even if u DO, people change! And u can never control what another person feels.

Finally, I have a theory based on my experiences: Men and women can rarely be real close friends. If at all. Unless they r also a couple. In which case, if they eventually break up as a couple, the truth will surface. That they can no longer be close friends. I have found that trying to understand how GG women think to be a study in futility. If u can't understand someone, u can't become close friends without a sexual interest.

My ex college GF and I stayed in touch thru both of our marriages. Even hooking up before I got married when hers started failing. Finally, 25 years later with her kids grown up and after my divorce, we began to hook up regularly when she came in town. When I told her about Sherry she was very supportive and even SAID she liked her pics and wanted to see them. Then suddenly out of the blue she was sick of Sherry and didn't like my dressing. That was about 4 years ago and I haven't seen her since! If ANYONE can explain that, I'd love to hear it!

[Bridgetlagurl]

"Because that is the thing about friends – friends do not abandon friends when things get rough or difficult. Friends, in fact, do the opposite. Rather than run for the hills, true friends instead rise up to the occasion, seize the challenge, and offer their continued love, support, and loyalty"

Beautiful words! Reminded me of my wife when I read this. I am lucky to have such a friend.

You have this worked out, Live with it! Cheers

[Rogina B]

I think this sort of thing happens to most of us..acceptance is beyond some people.that we THOUGHT were our friends..And the "Burn Notice saying" of Barbara rings so true.."If you truly care for me then you will want for me what I want for myself".....

[melissaK]

Sweetie.
I'm sorry you hurt so much. You are such a dear and judging by the epic you wrote, you're never short of content, but even for you this ones good sized, this is a tough loss to get over. And no need to be tough. It's worth crying about. But yea, we got cards dealt to us and some of them gotta be played and we can't keep em up our sleeves. Glad you're keeping perspective.
Hugs.

[Angela Campbell]

It amazes me that some people can get so angry about something you do for yourself. It doesn't hurt them at all but still they get angry? I will never understand. I recently had some issues in the last few days where I was very upset and several friends came to my side. It is nice to know who those are.

[Beth-Lock]

I lost my best friend of 60 years in a somewhat similar way. It broke my heart at the time, yet in looking back, I can see he really accepted me only as a male friend, but apparently not a female friend, and he even wanted to conceal my transition from his relatives, no matter that it required some effort. Don't blame youself. This sort of thing just is. It is beyond being someone's fault -- it is deeper rooted than that apparently. On the bright side, one gains new friends who are supportive of your transition and new status and will value you all the more for that.

Hugs, Beth

[Julie Gaum]

Anne, I have another take on your X-friend's words. Yes, her words were carefully chosen and to me told me clearly why. We can all agree that
you had no option on the cards you would be dealt in this life --- nobody does. That fact is clear to us and, very obviously, a source of great confusion and strong reaction from her --- exposing a very insecure and vulnerable person. Despite your past strong friendship there is no possible way for you to change her feelings --- feelings of revulsion and disgust BUT, IMO, those feelings were turned inward. No other way to explain the violence of her reactions as they certainly were not even rational in her own mind. Dispite the great hurt on your part you're not the victim and there is nothing you can do about it but walk away. Who knows what her feelings might be years from now? You can put your own mind to rest and hope that someday she will also be at peace.
Julie

[KellyJameson]

I wonder if fish experience the water they live in like people experience gender and Transsexuals are what the fish experiences when it is taken out of the water and thrown on the land.

[LeaP]

It happens, Anne, and it's not limited to transition. It happens in divorces, when you find out who is the real friend of which spouse, in job loss situations, when you discover who answers your calls, when you make or lose money, when politics interfere, in sickness, and in a hundred other circumstances. Some "friends" are in it for them, not you. At the worst, they use people or are psychological vampires who require your positivism to maintain their own.

You cannot always predict it and you cannot prevent it.

You called. She folded. Turns out she was bluffing. I'd say you won.

[mary something]

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with that! what an odd thing for her to say also, blaming you for deciding to play the hand you were dealt. She doesnt seem to understand that your choice wasn't what your cards were but that you were gonna live authentically by not totally bluffing what you were holding. Don't let her obvious blind spot that she is having in regards to understanding what drives a transsexual affect you, its just too much for this person to wrap their head around it seems. You don't deserve to receive that type of treatment.

[Kimberly Kael]

Brilliant post. Absolutely absorbing and heartfelt, and a good reminder for everyone. You learn who your real friends are when they're faced with adversity on your behalf and can simply choose to walk away. An important part of transition is learning what's really of value to us in this world, and what we can live without. The answers are frequently surprising.

[Ann Louise]

I've read alot of your posts Anne, and in the past you've seemed quite unhappy, unsettled, and very sorrowful at the hand that was dealt to you, not by you. Contrary to the primary focus of the post, which appears to me to be the betrayal of friendship, what I'm picking up on the most here is not that betrayal, but rather your apparent calm resolve and acceptance of yourself, who you are, and an affirmation of the direction that you've decided to journey in. Congratulations honey, I think you've already won that hand. Now keep playing smart. You're a winner.

)0( Ann )0(

[FurPus63]

Another post I can very much relate to! This so sadly happens to so many of us who are trans. I lost a lot of close friends about 18 years ago but for different reasons. Then when I decided to transition (first part-time, then later full-time) I lost sooooo many friends and relatives!!! It hurt so bad! The one that seemed to hurt the most was a friend who had known me all my life since childhood. She agreed to meet me as "Paulette" early in my transition. Our encounter seemed pleasant enough and she appeared to be o.k. with it. Then I found out a month or so later, after ignoring several of my telephone calls/messages that she was totally freaked out by the whole thing. She responded to an email and finally had the guts to tell me exactly what she felt. It was aweful! It hurt and was shocking. Another unpleasant surprise was when I met a friend who had worked with me in the past and still practices as a mental health therapist. She too seemed very open-minded and supportive at first. Then stopped returning my phone calls and messages. I found out later on that she actually was "disgusted" at what I had done, and was communicating and actually reaching out to my x-wife as a friend! Betraying me and our friendship to the fullest extent she could and even told my ex all kinds of horrile thoughts she had about me even before I "came-out" as a girl! It was hard to hear she had bad thoughts and feelings towards me and was faking it for years. OMG! How aweful!

I lost several of my siblings. In fact my one brother hasn't spoken to me or seen me in almost two years! I've been through a lot and have lost many, many people I thought were my friends and family. That part of my decision to transition has been horrible. Yet it all doesn't matter in the overall big scheme of things. I love being a woman and living my life as my true self is awesome! So I've learned to live with my decision. I love my life (for the most part) and despite having lost several people who were close to me; I've found new friends, new aquaintances, and new relationships. So .....for me it's been more "out with the old....in with the new" kind of situation when it comes to my social life. I guess that includes my family life as well as I have had to "adopt" new family members to take the place of old. I have a new boyfriend (a first for me, having dated girls/women all my life) and a whole new life, period.

That's how it goes in transition sometimes. I know it hurts to lose a friend. Believe me, I've lost plenty. But....as you have already stated and so many here have acknowledged; we must carry-on. We must just embrace the new friendships and relationships we have now and let go of those who for whatever reasons, can't and/or wont have a relationship with us any longer.

Great post though. Isn't it awesome to have a place like this where you can "vent" your thoughts and feelings, and receive feedback from others!! Cool!

Paulette

[Chickhe]

I lost friends as I grew up...lost most of my grade school friends as I went to high school, then high school friends as I went to university and workplace friends as I changed jobs. Its all about why you are friends and if the why goes away then the friendship will end. The worst is when the relationship can't end or the people involved can accept that its over.

[MatildaJ.]

It amazes me that some people can get so angry about something you do for yourself. It doesn't hurt them at all but still they get angry? I will never understand.

From their perspective, this new persona, the woman-you-now-are, has eliminated the other persona, the man-they-knew. When things are bad here, I do feel it as the woman has replaced the man I knew & loved.

If they cared very strongly about the man-you-were, is it so hard to understand that they might feel they never knew you at all, and lash out at you in their own pain? I don't see how people here can say that it doesn't hurt your friends at all to lose the person they felt comfortable with. We have this conversation on the board over and over with regard to spouses; friends can have the same feelings of loss and betrayal when you finally come out.

At least that's how it seems to me.

[thechic]

When you Come out you find who your true friends are, I know because of all my before being happy friends, of those original I have about 3,theres no sign of the others , contact cut by them.

[Amanda Shaft]

Great post! Finding out that friends and loved ones are not the people you thought they were is one of the toughest lessons in life! In the end though perhaps “You dealt the cards, live with it.” could be bounced straight back to her! Life is about choices, she's made a poor one. Stay strong. x

[Rogina B]

From their perspective, this new persona, the woman-you-now-are, has eliminated the other persona, the man-they-knew. When things are bad here, I do feel it as the woman has replaced the man I knew & loved.

If they cared very strongly about the man-you-were, is it so hard to understand that they might feel they never knew you at all, and lash out at you in their own pain? I don't see how people here can say that it doesn't hurt your friends at all to lose the person they felt comfortable with. We have this conversation on the board over and over with regard to spouses; friends can have the same feelings of loss and betrayal when you finally come out.

At least that's how it seems to me.
I have been told the same thing by my wife [your first paragraph] and the second by close female friend of 35 years,before she ended the relationship.I argued that she was unaccepting..she argued that she didn't have to accept!

[kimdl93]

It's always a temptation to reinterpret a post to fit our individual experiences and perspectives. I don't think this is about a friend lamenting the loss of a male friend as the last couple of threads suggest, but rather a supposed friend choosing to abandon a relationship because she was 'tired of the drama'. Well, people facing major changes and challenges DO have a lot of drama in their lives and yes, it can be stressful for friends. But again, there's the key distinction. Real, true friends will stick with you through the rough patches and tolerate the 'drama' because they value the person and want to help see them through the difficult times.

And there is a reciprocity implied in friendship. I was helped through my darkest days by friends and family. And I will be there for them. Anne's former friend may find herself in need some day, and may have jettisoned a stalwart supporter.

[Sara Jessica]

Wonderful post Anne. A couple thoughts...

For those who are in transition (or about to go down that path), disclosure to others is a must. But how often do we see others in these pages who are in a much different place with respect to their gender expression communicate a desire to tell people who really have no business knowing a thing? Anne, while your story thankfully concludes with a triumphant moment of understanding on your part, it also speaks as a teaching moment for others who feel compelled to tell others for no good reason other than being overwhelmed by a desire to share. BE PREPARED FOR FALLOUT.

Another thought has to do with the phrase, "you dealt the cards, live with it". You know my thoughts on this as you and I have many similarities to a certain point. We were dealt the cards, this much is true. But at some point in our lives, we tried to discard a few and drew others which led to the families & careers we love. Yet the backbone of our original hand remains the same. You didn't deal the cards Anne, nor did I, but we tried to build a different hand and look at us now....facing the action of transition (you) or the prospect of doing so (me) with certain variables in place that are the result of those cards we drew.

But would either of us change a thing with respect to the attempt to build a different hand? I think not.

[Jennifer Marie P.]

What an excellent post sorry that youre hurting but you have to move on.

[Angela Campbell]

Thinking about it, if You had been given a list beforehand (I know seeing the future) of those who would disown you, be angry with you or support you, would it have made any difference on transition? Would it have made it harder? Easier? Would it cause you to put it off or abandon the prospect of transition?

[Anne2345]

Would it cause you to put it off or abandon the prospect of transition?

This is an interesting question. Although it calls for a speculative answer, I do believe the answer is clear, and I do not hesitate in so answering. My answer is "no." I would neither put off nor abandon the prospect of transition.

I say this so quickly and easily now because I did everything I could do not to face my reality and future. Like so many others that have preceded me, I did not want this. I fought, fought, fought against it until I could fight no longer. I fought against myself. I fought against me. I fought against life. I fought against all reason and sanity. And I was losing internal battle and battle after battle, and being decimated by the internal war I waged against myself. Quite literally, I was dying inside. So I have done these things that I have done in order to give myself a chance to live, and to give myself a chance to experience life and hopefully retain those friends and family that are important to me.

But for what I do now, I had no chance of success. I was drowning. I was going to die. There was no other way.

So it's an easy answer. A real easy answer. Of course, I am no fool, either. I understood the risks going into this. I understood, and continue to understand, that I risk blowing up my family and life by doing this. But not even that is enough to stop me, as much as that has the potential to also destroy me.

It is what it is, though, and I am doing my part. To the extent I am able to influence others around me in a positive, constructive, loving manner, I shall continue do so.

But make no mistake. I need this, and I would not trade where I am at today for anything. I have too much invested in myself. I have come too far to give me up. And I know that if I do give up, I will have lost, and I will not survive the aftermath.

[Angela Campbell]

I posed the question because I knew the answer. The same as mine. When I lost the fight against it I weighed the possible outcomes in a worst case scenario. I still had to do it.
the problem is others do not have that choice as we did nor can they ever really understand it. They can accept it in some cases, and even support us, but no one who has not lived it will ever understand it.

Not having the choice can cause a friend or relative to feel out of control of their own life, and with some that brings anger. I cannot understand that anymore than they can understand what I am feeling. They really have to know that they have lost no one, instead there is a change that they do not like or understand, so it is easy to blame the person who does have control (you and not them) for allowing something they cannot control to happen. This control and fear of change is strong in some and these are the ones who will fight it the most. You have already given up fighting it so to them you have dealt the cards. The only way they can get control back is to avoid you or even attack you.

[MatildaJ.]

...They really have to know that they have lost no one...

I disagree. The persona you presented is gone, and that's all anyone outside your head ever knew. Apparently that change is not a choice, it's a compulsion, but even so, a new persona turns up in place of the old one. You feel like the same person, to you, but you don't present as the same person to the rest of the world.

So, yes, assume that all your friends will need to meet you as if for the first time. You're like the sister of your old persona. Your old friends may or may not be friends with that sister-persona. Don't presume your old friends will be her friends; just try to build new friendships, both with your old friends and with potential new friends.

[Angela Campbell]

Actually the persona I presented is not gone, some of it has changed but much remains the same. When I was a child I was quite different than I am now but still the same person. Just grown and changed. The person who feels like the other person is gone is refusing to accept the change so they also abandon the parts that are still there. Which is more than what isn't there. Sad.

[Stephanie47]

As I read threads like your thread, I wonder sometimes if it isn't about themselves and not you. Are they insecure about themselves? Is it about interacting with you? Or is it how she perceives others will think about her for interacting with you? How many times over the years has one encountered people who dropped long standing friendships because their friend came out a gay? Or as a cross dresser?

[Angela Campbell]

or got married.....

[MatildaJ.]

Actually the persona I presented is not gone, some of it has changed but much remains the same.

That's hard for you to tell, since you're on the inside, not the outside of yourself.


When I was a child I was quite different than I am now but still the same person. Just grown and changed.

Different enough that most adults aren't still friends with their friends from elementary school. I know it's hard to lose friends, but it's a normal part of many major life transitions. It doesn't mean the friendships weren't real in the past; it just means that you've changed and the other person doesn't fully appreciate the new you.

[Rianna Humble]

You feel like the same person, to you, but you don't present as the same person to the rest of the world.

I'm not so sure about that. In one of the newspaper stories covering my transition, you can read
Apart from the obvious, meeting Rianna is almost exactly the same as meeting Robert. so it does not appear to that reporter as if I am presenting a different persona. If you read the whole story you will see that the reporter sees the same qualities in me that she felt defined Robert.

[MatildaJ.]

Guess it depends how much weight you put on "Apart from the obvious." I grant that the two personas aren't completely different, but it's still like meeting a guy and meeting his sister. One might find they were both "shy, polite, self-deprecating and quick to smile," and still feel more kinship & affection for one sibling rather than the other.

[Angela Campbell]

That is true and understandable. Although to not only throw away a relationship but to do so in a mean and hurtful manner indicates a bruised ego. To lose interest and move on because you no longer find the person appeals to you is quite different.

[ReineD]

In so doing, she explained that she could no longer “handle me” and all of my “personal drama,” ...

Anne, I'd like to propose a different way of looking at it, simply because what I have to say happened to me:

My ex during the first four years after separation and child custody battle, engaged in behaviors that were cruel to the point of being beyond my comprehension. In addition to the grief I felt over the loss of my son, and an incompetent judge assigned to our case (as you know), my financial situation was such that I wondered how I would survive financially. Without going into all the details, I suffered immensely and it is all I could think of and talk about to my friends especially in the beginning when I was dealing with the brunt of it all. I was in turn grief-stricken, angry, sometimes enraged, utter feelings of powerlessness, depressed to the point of thinking that suicide was a viable solution, flat, in short the entire gamut of emotions that people go through when they are faced with an unfair situation that brings them excruciating loss.

I lost some friends over this. They could not take being around me and my pain. At the time I felt abandoned by them but with the help of a therapist, I eventually saw that each one of us has a different capacity for pain, not just our own and but also someone else's. Some people truly can't take someone else's debilitating drama, as your friend put it, and I think that these people are the ones who are the most empathetic. It has nothing to do with the degree of friendship they feel for us. Their only mode of self-preservation is to distance themselves from the excruciating emotions they cannot bear to witness.

These friends and I have now moved apart and I see this as a natural life consequence for a difficult situation. And I have truly forgiven them.

[Carlene]

It must be remebered that we have done this........not the others in our lives. To them it is generally new, unexpected, not commonly accepted by society, may bring discomfort to them on many levels, and often becomes an unwanted focus in their lives.

Given that we long to be accepted and looked upon as decent people, should we not then accept that our friends and spouces may not want to be in the game now that we have changed the rules? From their perspective (right or wrong) we have dealt the cards.

[Lorileah]

You have my sympathies in losing a friend. No matter how we lose them, it always hurts.

I have been so lucky so far in my transition. My clients seem good with it (we will have to wait a year though to see if any decide to not come back). My friends are working with it and most are accepting (some are having difficulty making the mind jump and still call me by my male name or say "he"...but I am trying to work around that too). My family so far is good (one major person more to talk to, but I suspect he will be OK after the initial shock).

Right now I have an "ex-friend"...nothing to do with transitioning, he is mad over something I did as a director in a show...over a year ago. Last night he actually took a pen and greeting card away from me as I was about to sign it (it is for another REAL friend who I will explain to her why I didn't get to sign her card when I see her). As he snatched the card away he said "That's mine!". All the people at the table looked at him like he was 3 years old...well he acted it. I think it is now funny. I have decided that life is too short for people who are petty. People who think of friendship as a conditional thing. I have friends who would truthfully defend me to the death as I would them. It isn't nor should it ever be about the packaging. It should be about the soul. Not all my friends would do this and I understand the levels of friendship, but a true "best" friend won't care. Life goes on after you lose someone. If it is someone you had a close bond with, they will stay with you in one way or another. If not, there will be another friend around the corner waiting to fill the void. If you are someone people want to be friends with, you will never lack.

[Rianna Humble]

It must be remebered that we have done this........not the others in our lives.

Carlene, this thread is about someone who is suffering from acute Gender Dysphoria - a recognised medical condition, and not something undertaken on a whim.

You would not say to someone who has been diagnosed with cancer and is following the standard treatment "You did this! Why should your friends stand by you just because you chose to get ill?"

It may not have been your intention to insult Transsexuals, but I am afraid that this has been the outcome of your comments.

[Allsteamedup]

Like Reine, I am sorry that you see this only from your point of view.

Let me ask you, how good a friend did you think you were? That is, how much time and understanding did you give your friend in his troubles?

Did you assess at all what other friendships he has with women?

If your friendship was a 'guys together' one, how did you think he would relate to you as a woman? Your hormone treatment will alter your brain as well as your body. You will become more feminine. Did he need this in a friend?

Your friend is grieving. He has lost the male friend he had, with so much shared. He does not identify with the problems of transition. Maybe your shared fun times have gone. What did you think would now be your common ground?

Women make long friendships out of being in situations;college, university, pregnancy classes, nursery spring to mind. I neve heard of anyone that made a friendship out of transitioning, unless they were both doing it.

Does this go any way to helping you understand your friend's situation?

My hallmark for a situation like this is to love your friend so much you have to let him go; his path is different than yours. Don't denigrate the friendship you had. Wish him all the good things in life.

[DebbieL]

The hardest part of transition is losing so many who were so close at one time.

In my own life, I've lost a fiance, my first wife, both of my children, a job I liked. I couldn't go to my old church, and my father didn't want to see it.

I learned the hard ways that the WORST thing I could do is try and go back. That was like a fate worse than death.

It's one thing to have never have been free and and just wonder quietly, it's like wondering what truffles taste like if you've never tasted them.

On the other hand, once you have tasted freedom and loved it, the prospect of going back to the prison of your old life is unthinkable.

[LeaP]

@Allsteamedup - All fine theoretical points and with which I generally agree. What you are overlooking, however, is that the phrase used, and in the manner and context delivered, indicates utter contempt. It was a not-so-veiled "F*** You."

It came down like this: She first walked away, avoiding confrontation. Pressed, she responded aggressively. Pressed even further, she could become physically aggressive.

[Dawn cd]

My reaction was rather like Reine's. While not defending your friend, Anne, it's quite possible she didn't have the emotional strength to follow you where you need to go. Her boat may be more fragile than yours, and she may need distance in order to protect herself.

However she could have done it more gracefully. The real hurtful thing about it is that she blamed the separation on YOU instead of her own frail ego.

[rachael.davis]

There's an old joke about basic training & snakebites. at the end Pvt. Pyle says But Sgt. Snorkel, what happens if we're in the field, and I am relieveing myself, and a dangerous snake bites me on my manly parts or buttocks?
Well Pvt. Pyle then you become a man who is lucky enough to know who his real friends are.

I am so sorry that you thought more of your friend than she thought of you.

[MatildaJ.]

The real hurtful thing about it is that she blamed the separation on YOU instead of her own frail ego.

I would reword that as: "The revealing thing about it is that she blamed the separation on YOU instead of her own frail ego"

[ReineD]

In my own life, I've lost a fiance, my first wife, both of my children, a job I liked. I couldn't go to my old church, and my father didn't want to see it.

Anne, I may have misspoken earlier.

I understand losing people because they do not approve of the transition whether they think it is morally or culturally wrong. I know this happens especially among family, some friends, and employers. But in your case your ex-friend did understand you and your transition, it was the emotional difficulty of what you were going through that she couldn't take?

[Anne2345]

Reine, she cut me off so abruptly and completely that I honestly don't know whether it was the emotional difficulty of what I was going through that she couldn't handle, or that it was the fact that I am in the process of transition itself. Either way, it is quite obvious that she places the blame on me. And as LeaP pointed out, her text was practically dripping with contempt (which I honestly do not understand, or can even begin to comprehend coming from her).

Regardless, at no point over the course of our relationship did I ever abandon her when she needed me. Just the opposite, in fact. Rather than run, I had helped her many times through her own emotional issues and difficulties. I also significantly helped her develop, cultivate, grow, and make possible her professional career. Of course, like any good, deep, meaningful friendship and relationship, it was a two-way street. She always had my back. She was there for me when I needed her. She was just as good to me as I was her. I trusted her implicitly, and she I. We shared much together, had good times and did much.

We were such good friends, in fact, that she was among the first few friends I came out to.

@JessM - having read your posts, I believe I understand where you are coming from. Clearly, you have experience with this from the "reverse" side, and I really appreciate your insight and comments. In so far as Dawn cd posted, though, that you would have reworded - I would not reword it. Although true it may also be revealing, of more significance and importance to me as I was going through it was how much it really, really hurt at the time. Make no mistake, my friend was not just some nice, regular rank and file friend that I lost. My friend was among those very few within my innermost trusted, loved, and appreciated circle of friends. When she cut me off and ended our friendship, particularly in the manner she did, it devastated me. It hurt much. As such, I would leave Dawn's wise and accurate words exactly as is.

In any event, I deserved better than that. I am no less human than she is, or you are, or any less human than anyone else here or anywhere else. And I would not do such a thing to you, her, or anyone else. Not like she did, anyways. I mean, if she couldn't handle it, she couldn't handle it. I suppose friendships and relationships like this break down or fail for whatever reason(s) every single day of the year in this world. It happens, and I get that it happens. But that doesn't justify what happened here, or how it went down, and it certainly doesn't make it right, either.

[KarenCDFL]

I am so sorry you were hurt but honestly IMHO I think you are better off. She probably would have done the same if you had gotten sick or had a family emergency and you heeded her support.

What really gets me is her remark to you! Who does this high and mighty b&#ch think she is?

You are better off without her. As a last though, don't be surprised if one day she calls you one day because she needs something. You know what your answer is already.

Wishing you the best.

[ReineD]

You're right, of course. It doesn't matter if she rejected you out disagreeing with transition or out of an inability to deal with the emotions. The truth is that you lost someone who was akin to a family member and I am really sorry. :sad:

[Kathryn Martin]

There are a few things that you might not have considered yet Anne. Remember we live a life of deceit prior to coming out and transition. Not only do we not disclose ourselves but we actively work on deceiving most of those that are really close to us. I have no idea of the character of your friend, but I suspect she is of the same profession and someone who believes that she has insight into people. I did, and I know so did you. In fact by your own description of your past you engaged in activities that completely masked what was brewing inside.

Put yourself in her shoes: you are a guy in her eyes, you have become a mentor, you have shared personal moments and emotional cliff were navigated by the two of you to support and assist the other. She likely saw a strong male friend in you. And you let her.

Then you come out to her and everything that made you an anchor for her, everything on which she relied in her perception of you was either a lie or utter deceit. We pay for this. I think precisely because she was this close this is her reaction. She might very well feel that all of her feelings and emotions for you as a friend, confident, mentor, shoulder to cry on were met with one big huge f*cking lie. It's easy to be supportive and accepting when you have no stake in it. That is why the people closest to us often draw the line and reject us outright. We have, actively and willingly made fools of them and they don't know if everything that they believed was real.

I am not defending her but when we are hurt as you are we don't tend to be quite as fair as we should be.

[bas1985]

so... in a certain sense you are saying that we simply PAY the toll of have not recognizing our cards before?

Her text message could have been:

"You were so total blind that you did not recognize YOUR OWN cards, you bluffed, you make me think that you had a KING and you have a QUEEN instead. You recognize them years later, so live with it!"

[Kathryn Martin]

Bas,

I am not so sure about the "not recognizing our cards" meme. Are you telling me that you just discovered you wanted to be a girl? That all of your life it never even crossed your mind that you were born with a birth defect. That you were totally honest with your friends and family and represented to them, physically, emotionally and intellectually exactly the man you were meant and born to be? Did you not know that there was something the matter with you until recently?

Are you trying to excuse yourself? Trying to find the "out" on this so that you, Anne, we all get away scot free? What we do to people when we transition is really shitty and no I do not believe that our family and friends owe us an allegiance of any kind. But all of this gets lost in the playing of the victim card that people do so easily and quickly here. What our friends and family give to us in love and understanding is a grace not an obligation and if you have not figured this out then don't transition. As long as you think that you're owed anything at all after calling your entire previous life, everything that you have said, feelings you have expressed and actions you have taken into question, you really should get your head examined. Or are you saying that you were mentally ill all that time during which you lived your male life, delusion of male grandeur perhaps.

The problem is that it is so apparent from this thread that everyone appears to comfort Anne and say how horrible her friend was. Guess what, what Anne did to her friend, her friend gave right back. But that of course is an inconvenient truth. If people would spend more time thinking about these things, and not wallow in guilt and victim-hood, maybe life would be better. And then maybe, we can start earning back the trust and the love of those that we love instead of abandoning them.

[bas1985]

Kathryn, I understand your objection, probably my English is not so fluent but I think that my concept is similar to yours, even if I had express it in poor words.

As we know there are early and late transitioners. Everybody that starts transitioning over 30, in my opinion, has not recognized her cards before. I may excuse myself, saying that in the 80s, in Italy, there was no support for TS, so even if I KNEW that something was wrong with me, I did not have the option to transition, so I just tried to make the man (so funny!). But it is an excuse. Also in the 80s, here in Italy, there were TS who prescribed themselves hormones, went to Casablanca to be operated, etc... the possibilities existed, they were simply more difficult.

So, yes, I did recognize my cards, but at the time it was too much for me, I did not explore the possibilities or was not given in fact information. Now it is the same, maybe worse, the "transitioning" itself is simpler (it is covered by NHS, there is less stigma) but I will break a family, I have two children, etc... so in a certain sense I am transferring the cost of my defect to the people around me... so you are right, I do not owe from them anything. I may lose everything and I should be grateful from any act of respect or love, but I should not expect anything.

[Sara Jessica]

In keeping with the "cards" analogy, for some it might be about recognition of the cards they've been holding all along. For others, it might be finally crying uncle and playing the hand they were dealt because they have no choice, because there are no more attempts available to draw another lot. Those are entirely fair comparisons, especially for our generations (the lack-of-information age) Kathryn where many of us allowed feelings of solitude and perhaps shame to bring "him" to the forefront. Yes, strictly speaking we were defrauding everyone in our lives in that the facade they view every day being false. But fraud requires the element of intent and it would be so unfair to characterize any of us in such a light given that the root of our deception sometimes goes back deep into the innocence of childhood.

The decision to transition, or not to transition, must consider expectations when it comes to what disclosure does to friends and family. Yes, I know that's a newsflash but I bring up this simple given to make a point. Expecting the worst and hoping for the best might be the most realistic POV but where is the responsibility when it comes to the others in our lives? Why would we excuse discrimination for disclosure of a birth defect? Sorry, I'm not heaping a load of responsibility onto Anne in favor of giving a pass to said friend. I agree that it sucks what we do to others in these matters but that doesn't take anything away from the fact that friends stand by friends through thick and thin.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

No way Kathryn I buy this statement..
"Guess what, what Anne did to her friend, her friend gave right back. But that of course is an inconvenient truth. If people would spend more time thinking about these things, and not wallow in guilt and victim-hood, maybe life would be better. And then maybe, we can start earning back the trust and the love of those that we love instead of abandoning them.

this statement cannot be defended.. especially in this OP... in no way did Anne reject her friend... she didn't give anything to her friend other than her own friendship and an attempt to garner support through a difficult situation...

I get its a really tough thing for others to understand...and I understand that we have no choice but to do our best to treat others well during a transition period...I get that we have got some serious explaining to do sometimes... but we are not "doing" anything to anybody anymore than if we treated our cancer...

how did Anne exactly abandon her friend?? and btw...her friend was mean spirited in her response...how can anne win back this womans trust and support if she won't engage at all and in fact attacks
if anybody is "Wallowing" its her friend.. and I say let her wallow....

its not so simple as we are good, and people that don't support us are bad...that's a silly idea and I admit I see that sometimes

I am not fan of wallowing in victim hood...but internet posts are not wallowing....sending back nasty messages is wallowing...and I say let her wallow and move on...

[Kathryn Martin]

Kaitelyn the issue is not whether what Anne's friend did is defensible, because it was not. And walking away from those that once loved us instead of working to get their trust back is in my view not defensible either even if they retaliate with nastiness to our disclosure.

Just once, without shame or guilt put yourself in this friends shoes and ask yourself how you would feel.

[Pink Person]

I get drama fatigue just reading the names of some of the people who post on this site. My emotions get hammered as flat as the head of a nail if I read their posts. It's unbearable to think what they might be like in real life. But that's just me, all me. Did I mention me? Me, me, me.

I have been told that imaginary friends make good substitutes for real ones. They are usually more right, just, and loving than their pathetic fleshy counterparts. Consider your options, is all I'm saying.

[ReineD]

Well I was way off base earlier. I had assumed that since Anne has been on HRT for awhile and has told some friends and family with success that this friend was among those who had been supportive for some time.

I see Kathryn's point about the friend feeling duped if she just found out about Anne, more than having any bias against the act of transition itself. And I also agree that the manner in which she responded to the situation was reprehensible. There is a middle road in all of this. And I certainly see why Anne is saddened by the loss of her friend.

I could say that the best outcome might have been for the friend to calmly tell Anne that she felt greatly deceived and she needed some time alone to come to terms with Anne's transition, even if the terms of the friendship would be altered in the future. But, we don't all act calmly and rationally when we're upset. Some people do have limits with what they can bear and both are true: Anne's friend could not bear having been deceived (assuming this is what it was), and Anne is distressed over having been treated so poorly by her friend.

Anne, hopefully you and your friend will be able to meet a few years from now when the waters are calmer, and either have proper closure or resume the friendship even if it is under different terms?

[MatildaJ.]

Anne, hopefully you and your friend will be able to meet a few years from now when the waters are calmer, and either have proper closure or resume the friendship even if it is under different terms?

Yes, I second that wish. In my life and in the lives of those close to me, I see that friends & family are NOT always there for each other. That would be nice, but in the real world, sometimes Person A needs Friend B when B is too caught up with a new child or a new diagnosis or a collapsing marriage or an ailing parent to be a real friend to A. I've been A in that situation, and I've been B.

I've had a longtime friend say mean things to me under the guise of "honesty" and I've walked out and refused to return phone calls for six months. Some friendships have ended, and sometimes we crawl back to each other after a break and renew our friendship, perhaps with a greater tolerance for each others' failings.

I wish you well, Anne, and hope that your future has many warm friendships in it.

[Anne2345]

No, Reine, you were not off base. As I wrote earlier, she was among the first of those I told. Probably a little less than two years ago or so. So she has known for some time, and she has been supportive throughout that time. In fact, it was my belief that our relationship had strengthened further after I came out to her. Similar to other friends and family I have come out to, I was able to relax, be myself, be more genuine and authentic, honest, real, and not feel compelled to play some stupid, bogus role. And throughout that time, everything was great. Or so I thought.

But to Kathryn's point, as well as a legitimate point that was made to me by private message, although I have been on HRT now for close to a year, my physical appearance did not begin to change in earnest until the late Spring/early Summer. By then, my skin had softened significantly, breast growth had begun, my facial features have softened, I made the decision to move away from my male haircut and start growing my hair out, I had my ears pierced, etc.

So I suppose that it is possible that although I had come out to her previously and had her support early on, that the reality of it, that once actual, visible, quantifiable change began, that this changed the game for her. All of a sudden, I guess, it may have gone from some wild and crazy thoughts about something that may or may not happen way off in distant future if ever, to holy crap this is really happening, Anne really is serious about this, and it's happening right now before my very eyes!! Trying to place myself in her shoes, viewing it from her perspective, I can understand and see that this could be a really scary thing for her, too.

Change is, as they say, difficult. But I don't know.

Regardless, although I hate it that it has played out this way, I am not going to fall apart over this, or allow it to change my plans and actions. I'm just not. I am over it, it is done with, and it's behind me now.

Still, I am under no false illusions here. I have no doubt that as I continue forward, there will be additional casualties of war and collateral damage along the way. So the positive that I take away from this obviously very negative experience is that I have learned from it, and become stronger for it. I get that this is not a game. I understand that it requires strength, courage, resolve, and dedication. I also understand that I can dig deep and find these necessary attributes in the desperation and need that I have to do all of this. So it's all good. Or rather, stated another way, on the basis of experiences such as these, I believe that I am becoming the person I need to be to do these things that I must do to survive and come out on the other side. And there ain't no one that is going to take that away from me at this point. It's just not going to happen, and I would have it no other way.

If, however, at some point in the future, we find ourselves in a position to reignite our lost friendship and start over again, I will keep that door open. In fact, I will go even further than that - I truly hope that we can become friends again in the future at some point. Having said that, I will leave it at that, and move on.

@JessM - thank you for your kind words and well wishes, Jess. That means much to me. :-)

[LeaP]

Anne, hopefully you and your friend will be able to meet a few years from now when the waters are calmer, and either have proper closure or resume the friendship even if it is under different terms?

Sadly, my experience is that this kind of closure happens more in the movies than in real life. It can happen when both parties can briefly re-enter the relationship enough to deal with each other briefly as in the past. The problem is that one or both have cut that off. The result is a somewhat cold, unsatisfying experience.

You can't go home, as the saying goes.