The Transsexual Thing Is Just a Passing Phase -He Will Get Over It & Be Normal Again!

[Beth-Lock]

This assumption bedeviled me in my early phase of transition, as my nearest family sincerely thought I had gone a little crazy, and told others, apparently not to encourage me. So, it was infuriating when some continued to address me with my male name. In a skirt, make-up, jewelry, higher pitch voice, long hair nicely styled as only a good wig effects, how could I give them any more signals I was not a guy. But the quote in the title was true, if you change the quote to:
"This transsexual thing is just a passing phase - She will get past it and be normal again." The significant point is 'she.' She will become a normal woman, and leave the transsexual part of her life behind, as just a passing phase.

This has enormous consequences for how we must deal with our transition and how organizations need to treat us, when trying to become trans positive or transfriendly.

I have learned in my personal life, that to try and join organizations as a trans is a disaster. You will only burn that organization and never be able to progress to being a normal member of it. Too many will see you as being different, forever after, rather than accept you as just a woman, no trans- prefix, and just normal. Making friends in trans-support or social groups mean they can out you, deliberately or accidentally, elsewhere. Being a transsexual, is okay if you are not going to transition completely, or are a gender non-conformist. But as an identity, after your transition is fairly well completed, and hopefully, you can pass, it sucks.

[Angela Campbell]

This is actually my biggest fear. That some will think it is just a phase and I will eventually stop it. Hopefully before I make too big a fool of myself. It comes from people new to this simply not understanding. It is my hope that once the legal name change and a period of time of only seeing me as me the thoughts will change somewhat. For some it may not. Just the same I would rather be looked upon as a transsexual woman than a normal man.

I am a member of two groups. One is almost entirely TS and is a true support thing, headed up by a Ts who is also a nurse and has worked with one of the leading gender psychologists in the area. A fairly small group but it is very beneficial to me at this stage. Eventually it may give me the chance to help new girls who are just starting as these are doing for me. This group is actually a reformed group. A few years ago they were Tri Ess and had some major spats which turned ugly. The group disbanded and came back together from the members who were Ts. Cd's are welcome and wives as well but it is clear this is a SUPPORT group for all transgender people.

The other one is a Tri Ess group which is pretty liberal. Almost entirely social, not really any support there at all in any clinical way. It consists of about 50% TS girls and the rest is crossdressers and several wives. There has been some friction, especially from the wives, that we have allowed the Ts girls remain members as this is not the Tri Ess charter. It claims to be heterosexual crossdressers and their wives. Funny if you count the Ts, gay and bi, the ratio is more like 70 -30. Still the wives have a lot of power and try to dictate who can be there. They are afraid the ones who are actively transitioning will encourage their husbands to do the same. They complain if they overhear any of us talking about therapy, body changes, hrt and especially srs. I almost left the group recently when they suggested we should go outside if we discuss any of these topics even among ourselves. The officers decided they will not enforce or support such a rule because they want this to be an inclusive group. Those of us who are transitioning or identify as Ts do out of courtesy avoid the ones with wives, of course being polite. This does cause the group to split into sub groups and is sad. This group is somewhere around 30 years old and with a lot of history. I fear that eventually a meltdown will happen here as well possibly splitting into two groups with the smaller one being the older established members.

[I Am Paula]

My wife teeters on a fence between accepting me, and thinking this is a phase. I don't ever know which one today will bring. She will discuss laser, or my BA on one day, and ask if I want to keep some guy shoes she found in a closet the next.
I have overheard her say to friends that I will be normal again when this is all over. Huh? Normal as in a happy, whole, woman perhaps.

[arbon]

The idea of completely cutting yourself from the life you had - leaving all family, friends, history and starting fresh where no one knows you - is appealing.
Maybe that is the best thing to do when one transitions. Start completely new.

Short of that though there are always going to be those who consider you trans. Its always going to be there following you. There is that book called "branded t" I think the title is appropriate.

I don't worry about being outed by other trans people, there are plenty of non-trans people that do it on a regular basis with me.
The minister at my church even did it recently, in a way that I felt a little hurt by. oh well.

[Marleena]

Wouldn't it be great if it was just a phase? Most of the confusion coming from the cisgender world is from lack of knowledge. Try typing into Google "are transsexuals mentally ill?" or " are transsexuals born that way" and you'll see some real garbage being spewed. Anne's recent post shows a friend with a total lack of knowledge and understanding too. We need support not rejection but don't expect it, hope for it.

Most of us are late transitioners trying to fight off what we know to be true about ourselves. Our friends and family got used to seeing a guy for decades and some of us showed few clues that we were anything but.. It was about survival and suppressing our true nature. It came with a toll and the only way we can ever be happy is to be true to ourselves. So, yeah our revelation that we are women and going to transition can come as a big shock and Google search comes into play for people that want to know what's going on with us. Once you let the genie out of the bottle you better be prepared for the fallout! What they say and what they actually think may be two different cases too.

Only a person that is experiencing GD and this "birth defect" can truly know what is going on and how real the pain is. The suicide rates for us should clue people in.

I've found rejection here too. Just coming over to the "dark side" in this section has shown me a change in attitudes from some former "friends". Even our own TS "friends" can reject us if we don't handle our own situation as they expect us to.

I'll stop here for now and these are just my own thoughts.

[Beth-Lock]

The idea of completely cutting yourself from the life you had - leaving all family, friends, history and starting fresh where no one knows you - is appealing. ...Maybe that is the best thing to do when one transitions.

My point is, whether or not you cut yourself off from the life you had, pretranstiion, (as male), to start transition with the RLE phase, is one thing -- but much more important is cutting the ties to those who know you are trans and moving on, (or moving away) after you know for sure that you actually can pass - like totally.

Recently, when I thought I was okay, my hairdresser did a bad job and I could no longer pass. (As a result, I inadvertently outed myself to a lot of people and groups I belonged to, before I realized what the problem was.) Then a member of the local trans group, half-outed me to another group, once my hair was in order again.

In other words, those who say the real transition begins only after SRS are getting at the point that there will be false impressions that you are now okay and have transitioned, before you actually are. Hair is one thing, voice including coughing and sneezing, is another neglected part of the completion process.

Groups or organizations that are trying to become trans friendly and inviting trans to join, may not be doing trans a favour, but outing them instead, inadvertently. I was doing okay, after changing churches, until the rumour mill got churning at the new church, so I ended up tolerated as a transwoman rather than accepted as a normal woman. Okay if you want to be house trans, poster girl and good will ambassador from trans-vania, but most would rather not have that heavy freight loaded on to their presence. I became aware of it when a woman whom I did not know knew, invited me to give a presentation on the subject to a social group in the church. I was horrified. Part of it was my own fault, but in part, I felt I had to ask about their policy towards trans, to avoid a nasty blow-back. The people I told did not keep it to themselves.

Another obstacle: Sadly, the final phases may cost two or three times the initial phase, (=SRS + counselling), so money becomes an object again.

[Rianna Humble]

much more important is cutting the ties to those who know you are trans and moving on, (or moving away) after you know for sure that you actually can pass - like totally.

That is a lovely theory, but is not necessarily practical. In my case, cutting ties to people who know about my transition would entail leaving this planet - still not very feasible for someone on a limited income.

When the fact that I tried to get chosen to become a potential candidate for an election makes headlines on five different continents - how do I cut the ties?

[Marleena]

Oops I went off on a rant there.... It appears I have unresolved anger issues that still need fixing. Sorry for the interruption.

[LeaP]

Even well-known people manage to disappear without too much of a problem. And they don't even have the benefit of a physical transition to hide them.

The idea of sex and gender issues being a phase for an adult is hilarious. Like, it's expected or something? But I have had the same thing said to me.

Gee, I wonder what my next phase will be? Become Amish? Do a solo circumnavigation of the globe? Start a new political movement? Invent ragtime/electronic fusion music? Competitive pie eating, perhaps, or trying subsistence hill farming in West Virginia? Hmmm – come to think of it, being a transsexual might not be all that weird ...

[sandra-leigh]

The "Life" thing is just a passing phase, and people get over it.

[Lorileah]

The idea of completely cutting yourself from the life you had - leaving all family, friends, history and starting fresh where no one knows you - is appealing.
Maybe that is the best thing to do when one transitions. Start completely new.

Oh my god no! Why on Earth would you want to lose everything you have? This is hard enough to do without stranding yourself on an island. It may look like an appealing idea but if YOU are the one deciding to cut off contact, it is just wrong. Maybe it is my age, but I don't have any desire to start anew. Life is too short to start with, why make it harder? The path we take is easier if we have companions who will help us over the rocks and who will celebrate with us when we reach the glade

I have been thinking recently that some of my friends are not taking it seriously too. Like I am play acting a part. But they aren't doing it maliciously, they just don't see why anyone would do what we do for real. The most common quote is "why would you cut that off?" Like we are going into the kitchen with a butcher knife. Well some of us (like most here) don't live for that little piece of anatomy. It isn't the center of our being. Our center is deeper. We know that most of us never "out grow it". And once you start doing things that are not reversible it should be obvious. Even living 24/7 is a step you cannot take backwards because everyone will say "Hey...see it was just something you were going through" and will be the elephant in the room the rest of your life. We don't take this lightly. Most of us have lived a long time and know not to make drastic decisions without considering the options and consequences. I thought long and hard about this. I tried to suppress it, even doing a pretty good job of it for a long time but it was always there. That nagging feeling and idea that things just aren't right. And being of good German stock, I found distractions to keep it at bay. But fate has a way of waking you up. I know what I am doing, even the professionals are shocked about how much I know about what I am doing. I never saw it as a phase, but I also thought I could fight it. Wasted 30 plus years doing it. I had a great 30 plus years and I enjoyed what I did in that time, it made me who I am and brought me where I am, but I wonder where the other path would have led. So now I say I am not wasting any more time. I am going to be who I am. It is not a phase. As the song in Rent goes "Take me as I am or leave me".

[stefan37]

I have some that think it is a phase or I am not serious. Lately I have been telling people that think it is a choice and not a necessity is " I did not find life challenging enough, so let me change genders, and blow up my thirty years marriage to add some challenge to my life". Seriously those of us that have made this decision to cure our GD know how serious we need to be, to not be taken as a joke or a lark. It is not a phase and as I progress farther those close to me realize just how serious I am and what I am willing to lose to achieve what I need.

[Kathryn Martin]

So many people get all stressed out about either being out and proud with the attached consequences or go stealth with the ultimate cut off from everything that was familiar to them.

Not many people make the effort to make their medical history invisible. It's called integration and it has nothing to do with whether anyone knows.

[DebbieL]

Here's a simple lesson. Look at your index finger and ring finger. Is your index finger longer than your ring finger? If so, you were literally BORN transsexual. Your brain is just as feminine as your fingers. You could no more turn your brain masculine than you could make your ring finger longer.

Even into the late 1970s, transsexuals often got LOBOTOMIES because the doctors knew that they couldn't make the feminine mind accept the male body, so they literally destroyed much of the mind. In some cases, they would literally turn the transsexual into a vegetable.

Even back then, they knew that transsexuals could quickly become self-destrtuctive, and could be very creative about it. Whether it was suicide on the installment plan with drug addiction, alcoholism, and high risk behaviors, or multiple suicide attempts or self mutiliations, the female mind would reject the male body and would do anything it could to correct the situation. For some, the possibility of reincarnation offered the possibility of getting a female body, by destroying the male one.

Fortunately, today we have hormones, SRS, and FFS procedures that make it possible to change ourselves and live happy normal lives.

Ironically, one of the strange dimensions is that many of us complete this process and then blend and go into "Stealth Mode" living as if we were ALWAYS female.

I remember one TS who had transitioned telling that she was now as worried that people would find out that she WAS a male, as she was when she was male and was afraid they would find out that she WANTED to be a female.

Nowdays, as the treatment criteria have become more flexible, and legal protections have improved, there are more post-op transsexuals who don't go into the girl's closet and become invisible. They continue to live as transsexuals.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

uh oh...my index finger is shorter...crap!!!! I think I messed up..

maybe my ring finger is going through a phase..:straightface:

[Angela Campbell]

I have read a bit about the finger thing. It is interesting but not much to it in reality. Definitely not a determining factor.

[Marleena]

uh oh...my index finger is shorter...crap!!!! I think I messed up..

Lol... I thought so too until I put my left index finger over my right ring finger. They're about the same length. That means I'm gay (lesbian) and that's true.

I guess everybody can stop wasting money and time on gender therapists. Proof is in the fingers.:D

[Beth-Lock]

I think most of those posting here have picked up on the idea that one's coming out as trans is all too often perceived as a whim, like a sudden interest in buying a speedboat or motorcycle later in life than usual, or a phase such as thinking melancoly thoughts, reading depressing poems, and joining the Folio society (classic book club), to get their offer of a set of books of all the haunting writings of Edgar Allan Poe. This sort of misunderstanding of what it is to be trans, is so common that it seems for many almost a rite of passage that very many of us have gone through. But that was just the intro to what I really wanted to say.


The idea of completely cutting yourself from the life you had - leaving all family, friends, history and starting fresh where no one knows you - is appealing. ...Maybe that is the best thing to do when one transitions.

This second part of the post, was also still just a part of the intro and is best summarized by Arbon above. What I had said was, "whether or not you cut yourself off from the life you had, pretranstiion, (as male), to start transition with the RLE phase, is one thing..." , and then I went on to make the real point of the thread.

A few years ago I wrote a long discussion of the pros and cons of such a cut off from one's previous life, and it in retrospect, is like what happened in the old days, when an unwed mother disappeared, to go to a home out of town, when her pregnancy became obvious, and returned after the baby was born and adopted. In the case of us, TS, after our time away during the messy initial transition period or phase, we can return as a woman, leaving our male life behind. I saw this with a professor, who went on summer vacation from being a man, and returned in the fall term, as a woman. For ftm, they avoid the messy period on testosterone injections, when they grow a dark five o'clock shadow. You may in this stage lack all your social supports and not even have anyone to pressure you into conformity with normal gender definitions or customary socially acceptable standards of behaviour, increasing the risk that you will not transition, from M to F neatly, but morph into gender dissidence or variance. It is a stressful time, and if single, you will not have the psychological and emotional support that you need.

But these short times away, and even better than that, never returning, instead moving to another city and a new life where nobody knows your history, means that you still have a long apprenticeship in your new gender. This will most likely be a time when you are perhaps visibly trans, and also, will need the support of trans-friendly organizations and trans social groups, even though by using them, you may be outing yourself. Starting this phase does not mean your transition or messy times of being in-between are over. It is a more important time to pass through and then move on, restarting your life in a new milieu, than when you actually cease being male and are transitioning one step at a time. I am talking about the second stage of transition, and then going somewhere when all the noticeable elements of transition are gone and you have your act together as a woman, so that that transition phase is just a a phase in your life as a woman, the trans-woman stage, followed by living as just a woman, not trans. "In other words, those who say the real transition begins only after SRS are getting at the point that there will be false impressions that you are now okay and have transitioned, before you actually are (okay and finished)."

In the transwoman phase, after the initial transition phase, you go from wearing a wig to getting your own hair style perfected, consistently using a completely femme voice, getting well into walking, thinking and living as a natural woman, and leaving male things and behaviour finally behind -- complete withdrawal from your old male persona and all its aspects. It takes a born woman a decade or more to go through this, and find their own style, or at least it does for the very many women who are late bloomers.

Groups or organizations that are trying to become trans friendly and inviting trans to join, are inadvertently prolonging the middle, transwoman phase, and hanging the stigmatizing label of being trans around your neck. They may not be doing us trans a favour, but outing us instead, if unintentionally. To escape that, we need to move on, starting from scratch elsewhere, unless those organizations treat us differently and we manage this early phase of living 24/7 as a woman, differently. Cutting all ties may not be necessary if it is better managed. For some trans, it would be the second time of cutting ties and moving. That has got to be a bad thing for anyone..

Proceeding to the final stage, complete integration into society's great sorority of women, is not an option for everyone, but emphasis on destigmatizing the transwoman, is mostly possible only to a partial degree, so remaining identifiable as a transwoman is always problematic.

There should be an acknowledgment among those drafting trans social policy that some trans would be best to go on to this third stage, and when social agencies, organizations and businesses want to be transfriendly, they should provide for those who don't want to be identified as trans as if they had never been anything more than plain, unhyphenated, women.

At my new church, I had to out myself as trans three times, (the people I told not keeping it confidential, for various seemingly good reasons though keeping it a secret would have been best for me), and outed myself another couple of times, because I wanted to be sure a potential date could accept me -- he could not or maybe was never interested. Better to assume they can't accept you and forget dating. Then three people in the church knew from the start, and all three were inadvertently indescreet. What it means is I now have three choices to solve the problem created, leave that church for another, never join any church, just attend as part of the crowd, or move out of town -- none of them ideal. There must be a better way, a way of avoiding getting into that situation in the first place.

[LeaP]

Here's a simple lesson. Look at your index finger and ring finger. Is your index finger longer than your ring finger? If so, you were literally BORN transsexual. Your brain is just as feminine as your fingers. You could no more turn your brain masculine than you could make your ring finger longer.



This comes up again and again - always with the same misinformation.

It indicates nothing of the sort. The facts:

1) Finger digit ratios are sexually dimorphic. True for most mammals, in fact.

2) One cause of differences is prenatal sex hormone exposure and timing

3) Males have a lower 2nd/4th digit RATIO

4) The digit ratio difference (not length) has been correlated with other sexually dimorphic characteristics in animal studies, including behavior

Now ...

Items 1 and 2 are population statistics. Individuals vary. In fact, whole subpopulations vary. There are tons of people who do not display the population-typical ratio differences specific to their sex. Moreover, the vast majority of those with non-typical digit ratios are not transsexual.

I.e. ...

Item 2 - hormones are only one factor in digit development. Genetics is another.

Don't confuse finger lengths with ratios. Males typically have a lower 2/4 ratio, but index fingers are shorter than ring fingers in most men AND women.

The sexually dimorphic difference in ratios is TINY! As in almost impossible to measure visually. Studies use X-rays and dissected digits in order to measure accurately ... the latter of which points up something else - research on mammalian dimorphic digit ratios is animal-based!

Both prenatal androgen and estrogen exposure affect digit ratios. The development of the first and second phalanges of the 4th digit are affected differently. So it's the balance of androgens to estrogen that (among other things) determines the resulting digit ratio. (If you are paying attention, it also means that measuring the TOTAL length of your fingers is pointless - the dimorphic difference is to the proximal and middle phalanges.

Further, the brain is masculinized by estrogen and sexual development of the brain continues both post-natally for a short time as well as in puberty, while the digit ratio is established during a short pre-natal window only and is determined by the relative actual mix of androgens and estrogen and not necessarily by any typical balance. I.e., a female-typical ratio can be due to low relative androgen levels at that point, regardless of whether enough estrogen is present to masculinize the brain (assuming the timing is even the same).

Correlation isn't experimental confirmation! And there is NO experimental data supporting the idea that a certain digit ratio, never mind finger length, indicates transsexuality. Not all transsexuals have digit ratios typical of their target gender's phenotypical sex, and not all non-transsexuals have sex-typical digit ratios.

Item 4 - behavior isn't identity. Sexual preference (one of the things correlated in animals) is not gender identity.

Short version: you have conflated several things into one huge, generalized, inferential leap.

Kaitlyn - rest assured ... you're still a tranny! (Said with the VERY best of intentions!)

[Kathryn Martin]

And you can't just put out your hand and look. You need to actually measure carefully with the right implement. And then, it says nothing.....

[Pink Person]

Now I'm thinking about having hand surgery to become my true self. Thanks for the new problem.

Hand haters won't know the new me...

Seriously, if surgery (or other things) makes you different from your old self then it also makes you different from people who have not had it. Try owning that truth, for better or worse.

[Kimberly Kael]

Then there was the parking test. I think I pass that one...

Sorry, but that's yet another myth (http://blog.al.com/drivers-side/2012/02/drivers_side_when_it_comes_to_1.html). Luckily none of it matters because individual variability more dramatic than the average variations between genders in almost every category imaginable. There are no nice, neat objective criteria for membership — just long-term acceptance earned through a life well lived if you have the misfortune of being sorted wrong out of the starting gate.

[MatildaJ.]

I think most of those posting here have picked up on the idea that one's coming out as trans is all too often perceived as a whim, like a sudden interest in buying a speedboat or motorcycle.

I think this comes from the intense social pressure to conform to gender roles. The transgendered person doesn't let anything slip until their whole persona is crumbling, and then it all comes out at once and looks like a mid-life crisis rather than an authentic, long-standing part of their identity.

If people could take it one slow step at a time: underdressing for a couple of years, then growing hair into a ponytail, then wearing girl sneakers for a couple of years, then getting manicures with clear polish for a couple of years... then shaving the legs... step by step... slowly making changes over the course of twenty years... their family & friends would be able to adjust to each step, with just some light teasing along the way. But instead the transgender person hides everything until they can't hide it anymore, and then has a tearful coming-out process where they undermine everything they have shown to the world for decades... It's not surprising that other people have a hard time coming to grips with the sudden changes.

[sandra-leigh]

I went slowly, comparatively; perhaps my persona had thoroughly rotted away at its foundations, but there was still lots of exterior left standing to be eroded. But of course my mother and sister and the gang Back Home don't see more than every couple of years for a few days, so to them I've gone quickly.

[JohnH]

I am taking things one step at a time. I am not taking the approach of being completely masculine one day and then all a sudden here I am, a complete woman. Meanwhile, I am on M2F HRT. And when I look in the mirror I see myself as a woman. I guess I have been spared the feeling in my life that I had to be a masculine man - I was never forced to do masculine things like Little League and competitive sports while I was growing up. I was allowed to play with dolls, wear nail polish, sew, and cook when I was a child.

I still wear men's clothes or androgynous clothes - however, I have a femme hair cut and wear lipstick on a daily basis, and I shave my body. I have B cup breasts that I accentuate with underwire bras. On Sunday mornings I add eye makeup and blush on my cheeks. I sing bass and play bass guitar in the church's band - it's fun to be with masculine looking men singing baritone or tenor while I look somewhat a genetic woman but sing in the deep bass range.

However, my wife gave me hell for ordering 3 inch heel shoes instead of men's shoes as if she is trying to get me to get over the feminine dress and appearance and getting me to be a normal man. I really despise the coffin sized restrictions men have in how they groom themselves, dress, and behave.

Johanna

[Kimberly Kael]

If people could take it one slow step at a time...

That works to a point. I fit your description almost exactly and I do think it worked in my favor. Nobody thought of me as particularly masculine and for many my transition seemed like a fairly natural step. On the other hand, for those very few who had a significant problem with the idea it wasn't remotely helpful — and may have poisoned the well to some extent.

People aren't good with ambiguity. They can deal with an effeminate male who is still clearly male, but when you start to cross the gender boundary to the extent that it's no longer clear which side you belong on there are definitely a lot of people who get very uncomfortable. They're used to neatly categorizing the world according to the gender binary and you're complicating things. Even post-transition they get stuck with a mental image of that awkward in-between phase. That's very much where I am with my father and his wife. At some point you need to make that conceptual leap across the chasm, and you can't please everyone in doing so.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

jess...its the transsexual person...not the transgender person...we are not talking about transgendered people that live a double life or gender fluid life..
I only say that because the transgender person has a lot of flexibility in feeling good about their life quality.. underdressing and stuff like that is very doable and can help a lot..

underdressing does nothing for a transsexual woman...its a band aid for a decapitated head..
Our transitions are about feeling like you are alive compared to feeling you are not alive...a 20 year coming out is worse than torture... you either transition or you don't...and if you do...you just do it...

in my experience people that transition like a pinball, without a message, without a timeframe or specific plan do poorly... when you tell somebody you are a transsexual, most of the time they are rooting against you, they don't understand you, they may feel upset, betrayed by you, or afraid for you...only by transitioning can that ever be fixed.....and the people that support you are primed and ready for you to live your best life

... in fact if you tell folks you are ts, and then don't do anything, it becomes an "I told you so" thought in peoples mind and you lose any credibility that you had..

[Angela Campbell]

I am not sure a true transsexual experiencing the dysphoria could survive a 20 year transition.

[Kathryn Martin]

I am not sure a true transsexual experiencing the dysphoria could survive a 20 year transition.

They might if they survive suicide attempts and under heavy anti depressants.

[MatildaJ.]

I am not sure a true transsexual experiencing the dysphoria could survive a 20 year transition.

Well, but most people who hit that bad GD (what I referenced as "their whole persona crumbling") have been hiding mild GD feelings for many years before the GD got so bad. We're not talking about twelve-year-olds, we're talking about forty year olds, who suddenly reveal that they have to transition this year. But if our culture allowed them to start slowly taking steps to be less male starting as teens, then it wouldn't be a huge shock when the GD hit hard and they needed to complete transition.

It's true that wouldn't help everyone understand, as per Kimberly's father & his wife, but if it were possible to share the journey with one's close circle, instead of taking most of the GD journey in hiding, inside one's head, then it might be easier for the other people to understand.

[Badtranny]

but if it were possible to share the journey with one's close circle, instead of taking most of the GD journey in hiding, inside one's head, then it might be easier for the other people to understand.

I totally get what you're saying here Jess, but it's not really valid for somebody who needs to jump the gender divide to feel whole. Being transsexual isn't a journey, though the transition itself can be described as such. You see, we had no choice in how we were born and when we finally make the decision to stop hiding and begin transition, the truth can't be realized fast enough. Suddenly dropping the macho act and learning how to relate to the world the way we had always fantasized about becomes almost euphoric. My two year plan was derailed almost as soon as it began because I just no longer had any interest in hiding who I was anymore.

I do think your position is a valid one for a cross-dresser who is not on the transition path though. I wasn't cross-dressing at 12 but if I had the courage to really deal with my feelings, I would have absolutely transitioned at 12. If someone with a strong CD compulsion is allowed to fem it up a bit throughout childhood, I personally believe that there would be a LOT fewer cross-dressing adults.

[MatildaJ.]

we finally make the decision to stop hiding and begin transition

I'm sorry for being so dense, but I still don't understand. I'm not suggesting slowing things down AFTER that crisis point, I'm suggesting that we change society so that transsexuals can be more open about their feelings from the very beginning.

Did you like having years and years of hiding who you were? Why can't we try to make it easier on young people to be gender-variant, so that the process is not "hide for twenty years then suddenly come out" but rather "explore openly for fifteen years then start transitioning"?

[Badtranny]

...because transsexuals don't need to explore. They already know who they are. You're not dense Jess and I'm no expert, but speaking from my personal experience, the freedom to explore would have been tantamount to the freedom to transition.

A gender variant kid is not necessarily a transsexual kid. Understand that a transsexual person is not a middle path-er or a variant. They have simply been packaged incorrectly at the factory. I grew up in the middle of nowhere so I was very naive about this stuff but I knew what I was feeling. My 9 year old mind incorrectly identified those feelings as gay. (wanting to be a girl must mean you are gay) So the freedom to "explore" or talk about my feelings would have meant that I wouldn't have wasted my life thinking I was gay, but not FEELING gay. Yes I know that's weird, but that's what it's like being trans. Nothing make sense ...until it does.

[Kathryn Martin]

We live in a transitionary time. Many of us were born at a time and sometimes in places where transition would have meant not surviving. For instance, where I grew up when I grew up and at the age I knew that I was a girl and there was something wrong with me, the preferred methos of dealing with the likes of me was massive drug therapy, electroshocks and such methods. The therapy was to suppressing aversion therapy. People believed that they were helping us. I was nine years old. I did not know what I know now, but my mother extracted literally a promise that I would never tell anyone especially my father who is an MD. If this were today, I would have received puberty supressing hormones, grown up a girl and had surgery at 18.

Today, the medical community and the general public have accepted that some are simply born this way.

By the time I transitioned I had never underdressed, never crossdressed and had not ever worn a stitch of make-up, not because I did not want to be who I was, but it would have been a silly exercise in futility for me. Instead, I spent years cultivating my self, the hidden and increasingly not so hidden person I am. When I transitioned it was completed within 18 months from start to finish including surgery. Not one more day would I have survived. Transsexuals are born transsexual. We are in crisis from the moment we know.

[Angela Campbell]

Exactly Kathryn. Although I knew from my earliest memories, it was people who do not understand and do not want to understand who forced me to pretend to be a man, and pretend so effectively that no one had a clue. In a perfect world the transition would begin the moment it is discovered someone is transsexual and there would be no point in making it drag out 15 or 20 years causing possible irreversible damage to the person. Treatment and living in the proper role would begin immediately. The world is not perfect so a person is pushed into fighting it because of the people who think it is not real or simply have a bias because they do not understand the condition at all or afraid this will change their life.

The very ones who do not understand or are shocked or do not believe it is real, when someone begins transition are partly responsible for the person waiting and enduring a living hell. They are the very reason transition is delayed until the breaking point.

[ReineD]

Did you like having years and years of hiding who you were? Why can't we try to make it easier on young people to be gender-variant, so that the process is not "hide for twenty years then suddenly come out" but rather "explore openly for fifteen years then start transitioning"?

Society is trying to change itself. Laws protecting transsexuals and also gender expression are being formed, there are organizations like the HRC who advocate for such changes, universities and Fortune 500 companies are at the forefront for promoting or supporting gender diversity. And some school districts are trying to incorporate gender and sexual variance awareness in their curriculum.

But, we are also fighting a rather large segment of society that wants to hear nothing of this. It will take time. And in the meantime, the people in this community can only use those tools and methods that they have in order to survive.

Another point that everyone is saying here - there is a difference between a TS who has known since an early age who she is, and a gender non-conforming person (a TG if you will) who is not TS. Some CDs or TGs will tend to suppress a need to express femininity in a certain way until it all explodes and I agree that if it had been socially acceptable to had given themselves permission to be a feminine male, the explosion would not have happened. At the same time, I believe that fewer such people would mistakenly believe they are TS during middle age. But if TSs were given permission to express themselves at an early age, they would have transitioned during their teen years already.

[Kimberly Kael]

I'm suggesting that we change society so that transsexuals can be more open about their feelings from the very beginning.

There's definitely an ideal in there somewhere, but I don't think the exploration would be necessary at all. As others have suggested it's more likely that people would simply be. Like everyone else I'm sure their fashion sense would evolve, but if society accepted more diversity then there'd be no need to tiptoe around presenting part of the way to how you identify.

My gradual slide had little or nothing to do with me, and everything to do with compromising for the sake of others.


We live in a transitionary time.

Isn't that the truth! For just about every transsexual I've known well it was a question of when the societal acceptance curve crosse their dysphoria level. When the pressures to avoid transition become less than the inner pressure that causes us to do so in the first place? That's when things get complicated in a hurry.

[MatildaJ.]

Thanks everyone for helping to explain.

[LeaP]

They might if they survive suicide attempts and under heavy anti depressants.

Sometimes I'm not sure I'm going to survive a 1-2 year transition, never mind 20.

[sandra-leigh]

...because transsexuals don't need to explore. They already know who they are.

Some do, some don't.

In some cases, a person may be well able to distinguish sex, but particularly in younger years not have an understanding of gender beyond "what I, a person of this particular sex, experience." For various reasons, the normal internal processing of gender identity might get delayed by a number of years. If the person is of a more questioning nature, they may try to intellectually determine the differences between "male" and "female" genders and try to place themselves therein. If the person is male sexed but not male gendered, then they might come up fairly empty as to the differences. "Is this (what I experience) within the range of what it is to be male?" And maybe the person is satisfied with "Yes, by definition it is", and maybe the person leaves the matter unresolved and goes on with life. Goes on until something happens that provides space and reason to re-evaluate gender.

"transsexual" is defined in terms of biological sex and gender identity, and is not defined in terms of age at which the gender identity was fully realized.